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Arggggghhhhh! Ideas anyone?


Athena

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Just found out my "lazy-ass abusive wanna live off my wife forever ex is planning on throwing out almost three years of mediation out the window and continuing to manipulate me until my 6 year old gets out of post secondary school, if she ever gets the chance to go there after he's blown all my assets ( he's already blown his) and quits the only job he's had in the past 8 years which he has a habit of doing. Note - this is a highly educated commerce grad/financial advisor/former VP of a major north American bank. And ours is the best economy in the G8. Jobs are plentiful! So your heart need not bleed for him!

Sooooo, I'm stuck out of town Friday night with no tranqs, no sleeping pills, no boos, drugstores all closed, crisis line referred me to hospital voicemail hell and liquor stores all closed. My poor kids are asleep in the hotel room. I have to go leave them to go find a bar. Will check in here when I'm back, hopefully in half hour. Will try to find one I can walk to.

Strange that my left hand looks like it has red claw marks etched down it the past two days. Like he had a voodoo doll in his hand as he was making his plans. The razor just knew where to go, never done that particular thing before! And it didn't heal like usual- still stings, still red and nasty, like the clawing continues........But the blades are at home......I feel like I'm going to explode. Satan himself would have been a better mate.....hmmmmm, maybe that's HIM.

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi Athena,

Drining is no way to handle the situation. Remember, you have those kids and its no good for yourself. Just because he's no good, why should you hurt yourself?

And, yes, what a loser he sounds like. No job? I know Germany has a great economy and they do not have enough people to fill the plentiful amouts of jobs they have. Its a good things he's your ex. It is very hard to deal with the angry and frustrated emotions he stirs up. Perhaps he even wants to stir up your emotions. Try not to give in to him.

Please bring us up to date. We're here for you.

Allan

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Yes Athena, do not give in to him. In a way it feels like as if he is in charge of you and your life. I know that it is not easy to regulate all the emotions trigered by what’s around you. However, you must try. You must try to be less affected by it even if it is hard.

I was thinking of you this morning and your self-harm. Would it help if you punched a punch bag? Or if you punched a pillow and shouted very very loud? That aggression needs to be directed outwards. You don’t deserve to destroy yourself. When you look for drinks, drugs, etc, you are working for his success in your “battle”. You are cutting your own head off and giving it to him on a plate.

It helped me to listen to a self hypnosis on youtube:

I cried and cried and cried but I let go a lot of my sorrow.

Please keep us updated.

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Sad part is he is stirring up pains just as you start to heal. Reminds me of my life. I heard you talking about your lawyer a lot lately.. is your lawyer one you feel can get the job done for you?

Maybe you should focus on two plans to ease your fears.

A worst case scenario where he does try to backstab you any and every way you can think of and then the normal mediation. This way you are prepared and your mind will be at ease if he tries to stir things up again.

When my grandmother went through her divorce we experienced the same thing.. had a lawyer that just wanted to settle, he was hiding some of her bank accounts doing all sorts of mean things.. and we got the short end of the stick in the end. It is stressful and you wonder how people can be so mean and ruthless.

I will give you something to hold onto though during the worst parts.

Afterwards you will be able to put him behind you and start to heal. Right now he is still trying to manipulate you, poke at you, and control things. After this is over regardless the results you will get back your life, your future.

This is his last real trump card to use against you.

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Please be careful and dont give him any more ammunition to control you. You have your children to take care, please take care of them so he wont be able to get them. I know it is difficult, prove him wrong and show your children how strong you can be for not only them but for you... Hang in there. And I hope you find some safe diversions..... Ice cream, big bag of chips?? hmmm and a big bottle of soda too???

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Thank you all for your comments.

Well, that was a horrendous night. I ended up going to a bar 2 minutes away. I'm not a drinker but all other calming methods were unavailable to me. Three shots of Yagermeister, or whatever it's called. I just asked for the most potent, least hangover causing substance. That took all of 5 minutes, back at the hotel in under 15. Thought I handled things quite rationally, after all I saw a 24 hour drugstore across the street and certainly could have purchased my usual coping method. Didn't even get myself drunk, just stupid enough to offer a big guy 20 bucks to let me beat him up. He was going to, but then changed his mind after he saw how upset I was. Then the hotel staff noticed the 3 day old clawmarks on my hand - NOT good. Then I went to grab my ipad from the hotel room to see if any responses here and all of a sudden I'm surrounded by cops. Must have been a slow night! My little ole freakout got me stuck in a cop car - rather harshly I might add -Wouldn't even give me my coat and I had to go out in -15 degree weather. They left somebody with my kids, rifled through my stuff and drove me to the hospital where I had to wait for 3 or 4 hours, i lost track. Meantime my family's been called to get my kids. NOT good, about 12 am. They clean out my hotel room, drive them to their house, weekend canceled, they asked for the ex's name, I replied "F. N. Leech" (got a giggle from a couple of folks in the hospital, but unfortunately not from the cop who asked.)

So... Lost my power....Again.... Waiting for the fallout Monday. Stuck at my sister's place, who insists I stay here until Sunday. She told my ex I was arrested. I told her, well just call back and tell him you made a mistake, I did absolutely nothing wrong (the cops agreed), just freaked out the hotel staff enough to make the call. She refused. OK, FUCK YOU TOO! What a wonderful, understanding environment to be stuck in right now. They don't even want to hear what caused the freak out in the first place, so nobody to even talk to here. Well, my goal at the beginning of the night was to just get something to settle me down, which I eventually got from the Dr at the hospital. So I guess that's a positive, but what a lot of SHIT to have to go through just for that!

I'm sooo tired, i know I'll panic the second I stop to lie down so will take those little pills again now. I suppose I'll get a little break from my kids for a while now, just have to remind everybody Children's Aid's in charge, not the F--king lawyers!

Now....How to get the power back :confused: Think maybe I'll get a second opinion. My lawyer seems to be "Miss Give in and Roll over again". Lucky she doesn't represent rape victims.

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I do agree with Linda. You seem to need some therapy that can help you on a shorter term. In the k both Dialectical Behaviour Therapy and Mentalization Based Therapy have good results with BPD. They do tackle symptoms of impulsiveness, of self harm, suicidal ideation, rage...

Psychoanalysis is a long and painful process. I am in my 9th year of psychodynamic psychotherapy, but i spent 7 of those years in a mess. I wouldn't have been able to do it if i had children. I couldn't even take care of myself. Never in a million years i would have been able to look after children.

Control.

I understand what you say Linda, and i too, have problems with control. However, i almost pray to get rid of it. Wanting desperately to be in control has blinded my awareness of my limitations. There was a time when i had to stop, but i didn't want to. I WAS in control, i thought. Somebody stopped me and i hated as much as i could that person. Today i know that i learned a great lesson. If i don't know my limits, if i don't know when to stop, if i think that i am in control but i am not, please somebody help me. Please somebody stop me. For my own good.

You will regain control Athena. Within you, first and foremost.

Please let us know how you are.

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Linda,

It is difficult and it was difficult. There is shame and humilliation attached to it as i lose the ower to make decisions for myself. I lose the right to my own individuality. However there is a difference between being in control of myself and wanting to control the environment. I want to control the environment when i am not in control of myself. And that is a bad sign.

It's really great that you have trustworthy people to help you out when you can't make those decisions. That is very important.

I am worried about Athena. She must going through such a hard time after last night. I can imagine how dreadful it will be, or it was, to wake up, after yesterday.

I hope you feel safe Athena. It is surely difficult, but you can do it.

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Thank you all so much for your comments. Linda, sorry I triggered some bad stuff for you. Sherzade thanks for the meditation session. Got part way through, then it made me upset, that usually happens with me. Mind going blank = lots of crap to fill it up with. It was worth a try - works for so many people. I tend to need distraction.

I am FINALLY at home. I told my sister this morning I felt like I was being forced to be there. She said that no, she just thought it was a good place to chill out. Later she talked to Children's Aid, and THEN the enforcement came. Supposed to be at my sister's til Monday, kids would miss school, I'd miss my therapy appt. Monday. So I suggested their Dad just pick them up today and I'd high tail it out of there before I have to see his smug face. My brother in law (very wise man and went through some of the same crap I'm going through) promised to gently prod some sense into him. I feel like my ex wants the status quo kept going - keep me paying for everything, ruin my future, control what I do, and totally screw my kids by blowing all my savings (his half of mine and my half of mine, which is what I happen to be living off) and by keeping the toxicity going. I even met a couple of his "girl" friends - one looked just like me, the other one has the same first name as me. Creepy. Fuckhead, the marriage is over. Superwoman has LEFT the building, NO NO NO - she's DEAD!

Had a tearful goodbye with my kids. Don't know when I get to see them again. Stuck a bunch of Valentines stuff on the outside of my door so he can swing by and get it for them tonight. I WON'T be answering my doorbell! Got some chocolates, nice cheese, nice wine, good movies, LOST, and some pills to knock me out when my head hits that pillow and I start to relive the last 48 hours and imagine a pointless future with or without kids. Have to stop now, I cry when I think about them, I miss them already, so much the worse since I don't know WHEN I'll see them again.

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Yes, I think we all get triggered here - but it helps to acknowledge it, then it can be dealt with. Frankly, I think I got triggered here on Tuesday and that led to a strange form of SI, and that contributed to the cops being called on me Friday as it was still rather nasty looking and far too visible once my gloves were off. Should have just kept them on, I get so used to the marks I forget about how others may react. Ironically, I thought of Tuesday as something of a catharsis, "the last time" perhaps - thought it may lead to something good. In hindsight, it seems to have been more of an omen, or that my ex had a voodoo doll or something, and the marks just appeared as clawmarks, similar to trying to get your hand out of a large predator's grip. SPOOKY:eek:!

Anyway, I'll be OK tonight. I'm calmer now and I have something to help me sleep as I know I will need it. Will see my therapist tomorrow. It will be interesting to see where I choose to sit. I was feeling too vulnerable and isolated on the couch, so switched to the chair last week. Not sure I want to face him in the chair tomorrow though.

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Athena,

Sounds like you have been through hell :D I actually have done the same things as you.. Drunk at my brothers house Friday. Had my 20 yr old boyfriend to my niece go pick him up and bring him to brother's. I did not think i was that drunk, but, 4 hours later , started puking from the mix of beer, and vodka/red bull. Could not sleep at all over brothers. Heard every hour go by on their chimming clock . Finally at 8am my nephew sees me awake and wants a ride to the auto shop. Got back to brothers woke my son up, and went home. Took the all the meds I usually do at night , and crashed until 6:30pm. My son wakes me up. I still felt a little ill or a cold coming on, today is worse , think it might be the flu. But had to get stuff done , for son.

Having children , and then struggling badly is so damn difficult. Yes the kids come first, but the thing is trying to cope with the grown up stuff as well can send the strongest person downward a scary path. It just gets worse sometimes before things become better . Yeah , I did leave my autistic 17 yr old home alone ... He had the number , we were a mile away . I called him more then he called us. But, in the long run he did agree to go. He does not like his cousin who is mean to him.

I missed the hell out of my dogs ... Lucky enough to not get pulled over by the cops that night. They were out all over the place.

It is difficult to make right choices when you feel your life is spinning out of control.

What does keep me on a rocky path is my son, the dogs , and just being able to come home>

Everyone makes choices , and some are just not the best. I try to learn from these mistakes, I have made so it does not repeat itself.

Stay strong, and talk to your therapist . this might help you feel better about that god awful night you had. Hope things get easier for you, I really do.

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I am pleased to know that you feel calmer.

It must be very difficult to be without your children, but this is not a permanent state. I think that you can take advantage from this situation by getting some rest without feeling too pressured by responsibilities. You can now think of you first. For some time. To recover.

Re the meditation... it happens to me too. I tend to watch films to fill my mind up, so i don't "see" what's there. But i have been trying to change that.

I wish you get some good rest.

:=)

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I saw my therapist today but I didn't feel any better afterwords. Almost felt like a confessional (glad I'm not RC, that sure doesn't work for me, just makes me feel worse). The problem is, no therapy can get rid of the CAUSE of all this pain - which is a toxic person who won't leave me alone and won't let me live my life because I don't know if he plans on leaving me any of my savings, or taking my kids, or forcing me back to work while I'm still sick in order to get me to support him. Whenever I give him an olive branch, he not only takes the whole tree, but he goes for the whole freakin country of Greece! So if I fight I lose, if I give in I lose, I just lose no matter what. It's hard to live one day at a time, when at any moment you can get another threat jammed down your throat. It's paralyzing, and the lump in my throat and the hand squeezing on my heart is physically palpable and only goes away when I sleep. So at least I have the pills to ensure that.

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Athena,

The thing I notice about this process is that you seem to react not to him accomplishing his goals, which are clearly unpleasant ones, but to the threat itself. Is it possible, or rather, likely, that he's just full of hot air?

I understand that you would be concerned that he threatens your livelihood, but wouldn't the reaction be better left until he actually succeeds? Otherwise, it's like you're doing his work for him.

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Yes Malign, the reaction would most definitely be better off left until reality sets in as this may all be needless worry. Unfortunately, sometimes the worry actually results in INSIGHTS - something I missed, or something that's changed. Then I am rewarded sometimes for worrying. And I guess that's the basic primal instinct for worrying or "being on guard" - to protect oneself.

The only way to get out of it is to ACT - which unfortunately I don't always have any energy left for - ie: file formal complaint against the mediator, get a second opinion, write up my reasonable offer once again and send it to my brother in law who has agreed to mediate in some fashion, whom I believe my ex respects. Right now I seem to be grieving, inconsolable. I cry when I see my kids for the brief periods where it is "convenient" for me to see them (ie: he needs me to pick them up from school). I know they probably would be better off not being around me right now, but then I fear I will just sever all emotional connection I may still have with them in order to pre-empt the inevitable pain of loss. I know - incredibly self destructive thinking that may result in a self fulfilling prophecy - then I will truly be utterly alone - they are my ONLY real connections to this life.

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My definition of "worry" may be different from yours (and neither of us be "wrong".) But, for me, thought is valuable, when thought is warranted, and worry is wasteful, because it targets things I don't control.

The "instinct" is undoubtedly that fear, in survival situations, makes a person sharper. However, survival situations don't stretch on for weeks, no matter how much it may feel that way. That's when fear becomes anxiety (in my definitions), and when worry begins to substitute for thought.

It's very easy to chew yourself up over things that never come to pass. And seriously, how can being chewed help you survive, or even get divorced?

Because you're not specific, I don't necessarily know the counter to his specific threats. For me, though, someone threatening to "take me to the cleaners" would likely get a "bring it on, then" sort of response. If it were easy to take a person to the cleaners, everyone would be doing it.

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Athena, i can't really understand how the system can make you work for your husband for the rest of your life. I am not married and i do not know about law. I don't know what kind of contract did you have with your husband. Morally it sounds impossible... He may want that, but would the legal system support him?

I am just wondering, as malign seems to be, if you are caught up in the threshold between fantasy and reality. What is real and what is your fantasy. Surely you want to be prepared and take all precautions, which seems right if you want to fight, but that process seems to be taking you to a possible next level that hasn't happened, which is the level of defeat. You haven't been defeated. It hasn't happened. The thought of it creates immense anxiety and fear. But acting and feeling as if it had happened is sucking all of your energy.

I think that it's good to think about what you can lose in this process and be prepared to 1) fight it, 2) deal with it if it happens.

But i also think that it's good to think about what resources do you have now available in order to help you minimise the possible losses and help you go through this long and hurtful episode of your life.

It's a lot to take in, a lot to deal with.

How are you taking care of yourself?

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I went to my therapist's again today. Feeling worse, not better. Near the end of the session, he asked if it would help that someone hears me and cares. I said yes, then kind of waited to hear the words from him. Nothing but silence. Then..."See you Thursday". It's like he can't bring himself to say the words. One more person to lose faith in. Anyway , I'll tell him about it thursday, that thought's going to be stuck in my embattled brain until then.

So what's bugging me with my ex's proposal/ultimatum is that he wants to exchange tax returns every year and determine who pays what (child support/spousal support) based on that. (since he has a habit of quitting work frequently, or playing "Mr. Money losing consultant", that pretty much gives me no motivation to do anything with my life.). I have already experienced the physical and emotional pain of supporting two kids and a threatening, rude, ungrateful, manipulative, abusive, unrelenting reptile such as himself. I cannot live through a continued violation of body and soul like that for another 16 years. It is pure slavery. He also wants to take an asset out of a protected area for my girls and put it in his name, "promising" not to sell it. I cannot recall a promise he has ever kept even if put in writing ahead of time. Anyway, that promise is worthless if he decides to go start another money losing venture and loses the asset to bankruptcy, which i'd put about a 95% probability on. He's proud of the fact that he calls himself a "rebel" ie likes to break all the rules. He wants to get vanity plates "AUSEM"- stands for always use someone else's money. Anyway, could go on, butthat's just the tip of the iceberg. The marital laws were not made in contemplation of scum sucking creatures like him. They were made to protect women who sacrificed their careeres and contributed many, many years of unpaid labour in the home. My ex gets the same goddamed deal without having sacrificed his career and INSpite of his negative contribution to the family. And the trauma of my past gets to be repeated years and years into the future. That is a future I cannot live with.

So how am I taking care of myself? Trying to eat healthy, stay fit, get a few things accomplished, deal with other peoples' crap that has just landed on me (a distraction at least), and if I remember, will book a massage for next week. I also have to come up with some witty responses to the curious relatives awho will no doubt have heard of my being hauled off by the cops on Friday. My family members are such gossips and there's a big family funeral coming up this Saturday.

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