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why i hurt myself


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When i was on my second tour of combat in iraq, i had to fight in horrible cities like Fallujah, and Kharma to name a few. i was a leader with ten marines under my command, and the horrors of war mixed with having to play God got to me. no one wanted to talk about it, especially me and while over there i began to remember a slogan that was on a T-shirt that the Marine Corps had given me when i enlisted. on the back of the shirt was a quote that said; "Pain is weakness leaving the body."

I felt weak, because Marines are supposed to be tough and we were supposed to kill people without any feeling and move on with the mission and with life. So with that quote in mind i began to burn both of my arms with cigarettes. on the one arm i burned the number of kills that i personally had, and an upside down cross because i had lost all faith in God from what i was experiencing in Iraq. on my other arm was the number of burns for how many friends of mine the war had claimed. i didn't feel any stronger and still kept burning the same wounds over and over again. my command threatened to throw me in the "looney bin" when in all reality the war itself was insanity, not what i was feeling.

to this day, i catch people staring at the scars on my arms, but wish that they could see the scars in my heart and mind. i am ashamed that i had done that to myself, but at the same time have learned from my experience....notice i didn't say mistake, because it is never a mistake for how we truly feel.

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Hi USMarine

I think all you people who are involved in fighting for your country deserve a medal for what you have been through. Not to mention the sights you have seen?

I was searching the web the other day and came across a poem written by someone who alway's hurt theirself. I will write it down for you, but just read the words.

Help, I have done it again, I have been here many times before.

Hurt-myself again today and, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame.

Be my friend. Hold me, wrap me up, unfold me, I am small and needy.

Warm me up and breath me.

Ouch! I have lost myself again. Lost myself, and I am nowhere to be found,

Yeah I think that I might break lost myself again and I feel unsafe.

Be my friend. Hold me, wrap me up, unfold me, I am small and needy.

Warm me up and breath me.

I thought the words was so.......crying out for help!

Giving up doesn't always mean your weak, Sometimes it just means your strong enough to let go?

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Hi US Marine

I can idenify with what you wrote about the pain.... of self injury. Forgive me if I am wrong, but to me, Self injury does help me feel stronger too, and more in control, and have the strength to burn oneself, is not for he weak. not for the weak at all..

If this is what you ment then YES, I too have felt the same way .Self injury does not mean that the person is crazy, rather it is viewed as a way to cope.

What i ended up doing was getting tattoos , many of them to stop people from looking at all the burn scars. It has worked somewhat, but, I still have the probelm of nosy people asking, or thinking i was in an accident.

Which is none of nobody's buisness what happened .

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Dude, you should see my legs.

When I had to clean some stuff off my truck, it got all over my uniform due to the 5-gallon can of water I was using splashing the stuff off the truck and onto my upper thigh area and lower leg area. When I'm in "daydream" mode, or very nervous and upset, I get these itchy feelings in my legs that feel like bugs trying to crawl out of my skin. I scratch and pick at these areas and have used my knife more than once to take out a divot of skin.

The pain makes me understand the pain I have caused others. The blood satisfies my need to punish myself. The scars, well, they are just embarrassing.I just tell people I'm highly allergic to bug bites. But I feel like I have to pick the pieces of flash off my skin when I think about a certain event in Iraq.

I've never told anyone that before.

Edited by BrainPain
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Thanks alot for sharing your experience with your legs. i feel the same way with my hands, sometimes when i look down i see blood still on them. i hate going to bars and drinking when someone comes up and buys me a beer in apreciation for my service in the war. to me i didn't really serve, i just killed people, so when i drink the beer that they bought me i see a glass of blood.

i have been faced with a lot of thoughts of self injury lately, but have reluctantly refrained from those acts. while here in Afghanistan, i had a guy that i told i was about to thrash refuse to listen to me. he came towards me again so i let him have it, and pummeled the hell out of his face and torso. i lost i t completely, and took out all of the pain i wanted to cause on myself out on him.

The blood that is on our hands will hopefuly not be there forever brother. but know that you are not alone in the least bit

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