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Lady_Evalden
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It's been a long time since I've been to this forum. I was waiting to post something new, in hopes I would feel better since my last post...but, honestly, I've gotten worse....

I HATE to admit this...but in December, I attempted suicide.

I honestly thought I was past it too...I hate hurting my family, and friends. It tears me apart to think of what emotional pain I inflict on them all...only because of my own selfishness.

But, I just feel so numb. Like I'm watching someone else live my life through a fogged window...like I don't even have a grip on my own soul, and I just resort to self-injury for comfort to know I'm still alive. But when my emotions get too intense, I just can't bear life, and resort to killing myself. It doesn't help that I constantly hear my name whispered either...it only makes me feel more crazy. But then I just slip into my almost trance-like state and forget I'm even alive. It's like I can't feel any emotions, anger, sadness, nothing...without my brain shutting off.

I also can't sleep, or eat, my thoughts constantly race, I'm always in pain, I have panic attacks often, Everything I used to love doing, has lost it's luster, I can't show affection, or even think about it for that matter... and I always want to be alone. It hurts...this isn't me! The old me loved everyone, wanted to make a difference in the world, was kind and gentle. I want her back... but now, I just see the world, and how hateful, and cruel it can be and just want to die. I feel like my life has no meaning, that I'm destined to always be a failure. A disappointment. A nobody the world will forget.

I was so excited when I got anti-depressants, but it's not helping me anymore. It only makes me nauseous. I want to go to a psychologist, but my family has no money. I'm stuck. So please...I need help.

What is wrong with me? Do I have some kind of mental disorder...do I need some other type of medication, or professional help? Or am I just crazy....

Edited by Lady_Evalden
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Guest ASchwartz

Hi Lady,

First, welcome back.

I am sorry to read about your pain and suffering and I am alarmed that you actually attempted suicide.

Other than medication, are you in psychotherapy? It can be as good as medication or even better. Meds alone are never the solution. So, of course you need another medication and you do need professional help...most of us here get both of those. No, you are not "crazy," but you are in lots of pain.

Did anything happen in or before December that set off this depression and suicide attempt?

Allan

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I read your post and feel very sorry that you are experiencing such hard feelings. It sounds incredibly difficult.

You mention your "old self". Mt therapist always tells me that if i did something once i can do it again. I believe that you will laugh again and feel joy, love again. Just not now. But mental and emotional states are not permanent.

Is there any other way, rather than paying, that you can have access to a psychotherapist? You may be in the US???

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Sorry for the late reply...I had a pretty busy week.

@ASchwartz No, I'm not in psychotherapy. I'm not even sure I know what that is...hahaha. Well, other than being stressed out, I did pretty much lose a friend that day. I tried contacting him through Facebook, and he blocked me. He claimed he didn't know who I was, but I KNOW it was him, absolutely no doubt it wasn't him, but as I've said before, we left that "church" and he apparently still goes there, and I'm deemed possessed and demonic. I'd say that probably set me off... Thank you for your kindness, it's nice to know I'm not a lunatic. :(

@Sherzade Thank you for your concern. Hm, your therapist does bring up a good point...I'm going to have to keep telling myself that. Well, my dad now has a few free counseling sessions through his work, but my Mom is afraid they won't fully understand our situation ( being in a cult isn't exactly easy to explain to a lot of people) and might not take us seriously, but they are starting to warm up to the idea, and I'm hoping my dad will be able to get at least a few sessions for us. :\

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