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New to the site and in treatment for MDD


lilsunny
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Hello I am new here and like the title says I am dealing with MDD. I am a survivor of child abuse by my mother that started as early as I can remember, physical and mental. She has and still tells me that she wishes that I was never born, that she never had me, so it is something that I have lived with for 40 years. Then there is the rape by my step brother from the age of 9 to the age of 15. I tried to fight him when I got older, but then he killed one of my pets the one time I ran off, he finally stoped when I started having my periods. That was the same year I tried to commit suicide the first time and failed because my sister who was not to be home till the next day found me and called 911. Needless to say I have been living with depression and other suicide attempts. This last time I found myself dealing with anger issues at work and was confronted about it, I tried to deny it again, but yes, my anger came out in my tone and the way I talked to people and I was not aware of it at the time. I could not lose my job again, I would not lose my job so I thought I would finally succeed with killing myself by jumping of the 4 story parking garage. I was headed out the door to do that but instead of going to my car I made a right turn and turned to the employee conselor. I was in tears and beaten, I was tired of fighting. I told him what was going on in my head, on the floor, in my life. My emotions were dead. I found myself in a hospital and I dont remember much of the first week there. Just remeber feeling cold and lost. Then the meds started to work and I started to listen to the therapists and the other patients. I was released finally and told to go to the outpatient partial program. Which I did and I do feel alot different, not so defeated and cold inside. Though I still get feelings and thoughts of worthlessness and who cares, I am strong enough to fight those feelings. I know I still have along ways to go. I dont know if I could ever forgive my mother or my step brother for what they did to me. They said someday I will. I am willing to let this work and I am glad to find a place to tell some of my story. There are still secrets that I am not ready to face yet. Activities I participated in as an adult, nothing to do with drugs or alcohol, for some reason I never did turn there. I did use food. Sometime I ate way to much... but there were times I would not eat at all.

I do know I need support from others who knows what I am talking about and I would appreciate any advice on how others beat this thing.

Thank you for listening to me.

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  • 3 weeks later...

I would like to be the first to say, kudos. Most people could not go through a life like yours and walk out the other side in any condition. I am not going to pretend I know anything of what you went through. I don't want to, honestly. The very fact that you are here today proves to me that you are stronger than any person I have ever met. Kudos to you.

I will tell you one thing. And it will be hard. Forgiveness is not something for the abuser, it is something meant for the victim. We forgive people, not because we give them amnesty, we forgive them because we do not want them to rule our lives. When we think of bad things that people have done to us, and horrors that we cannot remember, we let those people control us. So when you are ready, please do forgive... but NEVER forget. These people did things to you that are unspeakably wrong. And for that reason you never want those people to have control over you. I believe you are strong enough to do this, afterall, you have made it this far...

- Anonymous.

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You have been through incredible, horrific things and your willingness to share this and be open in the hopes of getting better says so much about your determination and strength. I can't say that I know how you feel because, thankfully, I have not been through all that you have. But, I have my own history and my own demons and find myself in the same "community" you do. So, I am in a place and have an opportunity to offer you support and encouragement. I hope you continue to see improvement with therapy. I do agree with Pseudonym that forgiveness is for the abused, not the abuser. To forgive simply means to stop allowing it to control your life. It does not mean you have to forget what has happened or that you have to allow these people back into your life. In fact, you do not even have to express the act of forgiveness- it can simply be an internal decision to move forward. I found myself in a situation a few years back where I thought I could never forgive my father, but eventually I got to the point where I could let it go (forgive) even though the memories are still there. And, I have never told him I forgave him (he hasn't asked!) and he is no longer a part of my life. But, I have the freedom that comes with forgiveness. I hope my words have made sense and that you continue to post and allow us to support you as you need.

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  • 2 weeks later...

First let me say thank you two for the encouragement that you both offer within your words. My life is looking better. I am in my third month of treatment and being faithfull to take my medications. I have even started back to work with a group of people and a manager that knows my employment history and willing to give me a chance. I am learning to let go of the baggage, which I have used to build the wall around who I am. Still dealing with my mother which I have learned I will never change her, but I can get up and leave when she starts to dig into me. I do spend time with my father, we go out to breakfast or lunch, or just meet up for coffee. I still have a ways to go and I know one day I will reach the end of the tunnel. I know the healing has started with the tears shed and the confronting the events of my past. Just by giving up the fight to prove that I have a right to be here has lifted a heavy weight off my shoulders.

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  • 1 month later...

It has been four months since I went into treatment for major depressive disordor with suicidal thoughts. I feel that I have come a long ways and I am functioning somewhat nomally with work and family. Though at times I can feel that wall wanting to come back and surround me. I talk to my therapist and she says that it is a way that I have learned to protect myself from hurt, or to keep from letting anyone have a chance to get a chance to hurt. The tears have stopped and I havent cried in over a month. I have been busily working in overcoming the darkness to feel normal. What is normal for me though? I have to admit, my mother has been trying though she is not aware of all of the pain she caused. I will have to concede that one, because she raised me the way she was raised.

The thing is, I am still fighting. Fighting is the one thing I am tired of doing. Though it is to get better, it is still a struggle. I still think of death, though I have no desire to act on it, if it just happens I would not be upset. These thoughts are still with me even with the medicine and the therapy. Why?

This is just crazy. I do not understand these moods and I just dont know how to deal with them any more. I will not let it beat me even if it means fighting to the end. I just wish I knew how to deal with the pain and these moods.

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Hello lilsunny,

Thank you for sharing your story with us. It must have taken a lot of courage to open up and I think you did well in doing so. :)

Like what your therapist said, the 'wall' was your protection for so long and maybe, it is the only thing you knew. Perhaps you are scared of how life is outside that wall? Thats all right, everyone has his or her own worries and the good thing is, you have already taken steps outside of that wall. Life is full of surpirses and many of those are pleasant, keep an eye for those. :)

The term 'normal' is faily different for each individual, a person here in the forums told me that and I agree with him. But for me, normal would mean being free from intrusive thoughts, at least enough not to bother you or scare you. Being able to make and maintain good relationships with other people, and being able to express yourself without hindrances and assert what you believe is right.

I think what you're going through is shared by many individuals. I cannot say I that I know what you are going through, but I can assure you that I understand your circumstances. Life can be a struggle if you choose to look at it that way... it may be a struggle because you try to please everybody, it may be a struggle if you're financially down, it may be a struggle because you have not found meaning in life, but it depends on how you look at life.

I would advise you to go out with some friends. I would not be surprised if you kept very few or none at all because of what you went through but now maybe a good time to join communities, make new friends, and see the what the world has to offer outside 'the wall'.

Start small: clean your room, burn your old and full of hatred diaries, change your room decors. etc. You'll feel much better once you accomplish those small tasks.

As for forgiveness, it comes along. You can't hold on to something forever... that includes anger and blame to the persons who offended you. Just think: If I hurt someone so badly, I'd want them to forgive me... so place yourself in the shoes of that someone who realized just how horrible they were to you. Some people will never find the courage to apologize, its up to us to have the strength to forgive.

Do keep in touch with us and remember that life is worth fighting for.

God bless!

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  • 1 month later...

Been on my meds and in treatment since October. I can at times laugh and starting to open up to other people in my life. Then one day I noticed, I have not cried or shed tears since I started the medications. which is uncommon for me, for I am a sap with the tear jerkers kind of movies... Could that be a side effect of the meds. I feel good, so am just odd because I miss crying?

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Hi lilsunny

Been on my meds and in treatment since October. I can at times laugh and starting to open up to other people in my life. Then one day I noticed, I have not cried or shed tears since I started the medications. which is uncommon for me, for I am a sap with the tear jerkers kind of movies... Could that be a side effect of the meds. I feel good, so am just odd because I miss crying?

I wouldn't knock it if I were you? Keep hold of a good thing while you can!

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