hi

[flyaway12]

hi, my names flyaway I just don't want to give out my real name. I'm 19, and ever since i reached my teenage years thats when everything went wrong, when I started feeling depressed. I guess most of it was due to my childhood, i never had much friends I was always along in primary school due to the fact, i was quiet. The only time i was ever happy was when I visit my gran and she died in 99. When I started high school, the only friend that I was close to was rachel, who I met in p6 and ever since then I was so close to her. But over the years my mind has changed due to the fact of what she did to me, I have forgave her for it. I got told by all of the people who I hung with that the only reason they were with me, was because they felt sorry for me. That didn't make me feel any better, then I stopped going out at the age of 15, I stayed in and I constantly went on my computer, and went this online website game, were I met amazing people from all over the UK. Surprisingly, I fell inlove at the age of 16 with a girl called katie and she is the only person that makes me happy, but I'm doubting alot of things because it's a distant relationship and we are on and off because of me. My parents have delt with it wrongly, and her side of the family won't let me have any contact with her whatsoever. It's just so hard, I'm struggling alot I work part-time i'm not in college i'm in debt and I feel so unhappy, I lock myself in my room all day I never want to go out. I can't talk to my friends, i feel like I haven't got any and all I think about is putting a knife through my heart. It is silly, but it's scarying me because I use to be happy and I'm not, I'm scared that I will lose her and I will not feel happy, i'm scared how my whole entire life is going to turn it. I'm angry and upset of what my parents think of me, all i wanted was support there is nothing wrong with falling inlove with a girl, and it's difficult right now, I've fought with her quite alot because I keep thinking she's cheating on me, and I can't tell because I live so far away. I'm thinking that she knows that, and she has control over it because I will feel a million times worse if she ends it, that will push me off the edge. I haven't got a reason to be here, and I feel so ashamed and upset about it because I just feel so unhappy and miserable, I became so ill in September, I stop eating completely I had a big argument with my mum, about my girlfriend and I just wanted to runaway, because I felt like I;d be much happier on my own and I was wrong. I'm just so scared what my whole entire family will think of me, the only support that i've got is from my two aunites who know that i'm a lesbian. Nobody knows that I'm depressed, nobody knows that I can't eat or sleep sometimes I think theres no point in telling anyone, I just wish i could get out of this debt and maybe i could then be able to sort out what else is making me so depressed. Everyone around me who is my age, is out partying out having fun and living their life, anyone who would see me would probably wack me one and would say, what am I doing? why am i like this. I just feel really alone and the thoughts of escaping seem so simple, right now. Then, I start feeling guilty because I start thinking what i have got, and i should be grateful but even if it was different, i'm pretty sure i'd be feeling what i'm feeling now. I just want some advice or if anyone could just talk to me please?

[Pseudonym]

Believe it or not, you're not alone. Loneliness... Depression... I have had my share of that. It's not fun. Add to the fact that you have an almost complete lack of support structure.. It must be hard. My suggestion to you is find people who are like you. It is difficult, however it is possible. My friends, like me, are social recluses who have had years of drug problems. We're all damaged and we all help each other. Do I suggest this group of friends? no, but they are mostly like me. And trust me, there are people like you too. Go out to an internet cafe, meet people there, do something, because this is not a path you wish to travel alone. And if it all becomes too hard I will talk to you on this forum. I understand what you are going through, and trust me, there is no need to feel guilty, and no need to feel alone.

- Anonymous