I am in shock

[sadgreeneyes]

I am in shock, I lost all my post here as it took me too long to write,now I have to start all over again and I dont have the energy.

My husband abused me emotionally and mentally in the cruelest way tonight. Can someone please read me bit by bit? I am in desperate need for support now.

[sadgreeneyes]

I am in shock, I lost all my post here as it took me too long to write,now I have to start all over again and I dont have the energy.

My husband abused me emotionally and mentally in the cruelest way tonight. Can someone please read me bit by bit? I am in desperate need for support now.

I guess I have to start all over again, it will take me 30 minutes to write this.

I asked my husband ( who was virgin when we met last year) what the reason was as he should tell me tonight, it turned out bad. He suddenly changed saying he wanted to ease my pain, I couldnt come, I had to cancel the trip again, he couldnt love anyone, couldnt be close to any women the way I wanted. I am who I am. Yes he felt for me and loved me, but what could he do if he couldnt feel this love, to be affectionate. Yes, it was the same with his ex, he said early on when we met he didnt feel anything for her and that she was a bad women. He said he hated arab women. It was the same with her in that way he couldnt be affectionate. If he marry another women he cannot be affectionate with her either. He continued asking me if I could go fix the divorce, said it cold and without thought, when I cried much he said what I´m crying for, stop crying. I said how can you ask why I am crying, dont you understand that I love you, I cried, and my husband is leaving me, its very painful to me. Noo, not painful, he said.

People dont leave someone they love, I cried, it means you dont love me. You never loved me Yes, I do care for you and feel for you, but we will not be happy. He said he wouldnt make me happy and that I would get a miserable life because he could only have sex with me like we did down there and not any closeness. I´m like that with my friends too, they dont come close to me. Suddenly he say he dont like kids, he will never have kids, dont know why he said,but he wont and the only reason why he played with his brothers kids for some second was because it was his brothers. I dont like kids, he said.

Suddenly he starts saying he knows UDI will say no to our case as I dont have the money.( I know this is true) He continue with saying : let me ask you a question, what shall we do when the UDI says no, its better to finish now than to wait for the no. Right? we have no chance together, we cant stay in my country. I know that, I said. So we had to finish as it was good for us both, I cried saying no it was only good for him. He talked for me all the time. When I said I was in pain, that he hurt me, that he treat me bad, he responded total opposite, no I was not in pain, he didnt hurt me, he didnt treat me bad, he treated me normal. Non of my feelings were right, he said maybe I feel it but it was wrong.

When I said I "could" fix the money, he got annoyed saying: what??! you- said -you didnt have the money and you said...this .and you said that, he continued. I said I had never said I cant try fix it. He said wait, took a cigarette, and suddenly turns around saying : listen to me, listen! : I- will - not - leave -you.

I was shocked how he could say this after he said there was no love. Said again yes he did feel for me and loved me, but still admitted he had this inability to be close with anyone, it would be like down there he said, to have sex and kiss little bit dry on the mouth and that was all he could do with any woman ,so if I wanted this kind of marriage then I had to give him an answer, I couldnt. Did you see how I was laying in the bed down there? he lay away from me, never got close, said to me he cant be close to woman, he could only have sex like we had down there. Like last time I got treated like a sex object down there I remember. He has told me before when he comes here all I had to do, all light on so he could see well and I had to do stuff. Its not that he couldnt touch/kiss my body,because he did that, but he cannot be close, laying close and kiss real kiss. Cannot show affection.

So I couldnt answer him because I love him still, I couldnt let him go, I am so in pain.

He said many times while I was crying, what are you crying for?, are you finish now?, stop cry. Its not painful, you will forget me, it will go over. I dont hurt you, I dont treat you bad, I treat you normal.

He didnt seem to recognize my feelings as a separate person. He didnt think he hurt me in any way. That is strange because yesterday he wrote on a message that he knew he had hurt me by saying I couldnt come see him. But he hadnt hurt me tonight. I was not in pain even how much he saw me cry, I cried all the time nearly.

At the end of our conversation he said can I go now because I am very very very tired because I have not sleep after work. He always say this and have said before my god how much he likes to sleep. But it was very hurtful to hear him say it tonight. When I thought there were no more shocking words to hear, he was about to say our usually words I will miss you and I love you. I was thinking with a little shocking look what is he thinking, suddenly he look at me and say oh yes maybe we shouldnt say that, ok I will only say goodnight, I said yes and he continued saying and I wish you very sweet dreams. He said what?? he wishes me sweet dreams after this??? I told him what he is thinking and said ok, only goodnight then. I said goodnight.

He also said he didnt feel very very much for me but he did feel and that it would come more feelings later when we get to know each other. I am shocked over his cold words.

Still after all this I said so now I can travel and be free. No!! you dont travel anyhwere! I am your husband and it is sin to travel when I say so.

So I will go drinking and be in male company. You will not drink anything! ok i will be in male company. You will not be. Oh why do you care after what you have said to me, are you jealous??!! yes he said.

He still wants to control me or think he has right to control me and owe me.

[sadgreeneyes]

He still wants to control me and owe me even he have treated me like this.

How can someone be so cruel? he must be an abuser?

He said no my family does not know I have this closeness issue, I dont need to say that.

So should he start all over again, searching for a women, its not many women who jump to middle east and marry after 4 days like me, should he start new renting wedding dress again buy new wedding ring with his whole salary??? Its not that easy, he was lucky to find me.

And no women would put up with a loveless marriage without affection.

Now he knows I have the money so if I say I wont have such marriage what would he react, try sugar coat me again? I dont know what to do, he even admit it was lie he should borrow money from his brother, no one had any money to spend here.

I know he isnt healthy to love anyone as he must be an abuser,right?

[sadgreeneyes]

I asked if he just said all this too just to easy my pain over the days till he left me, he said no.

[randomperson]

I sorry I know this must have been very painful for you to write.

Your in the same situation I was. Exact. I wish I could just talk to you share where I have been what I have felt and what I feel now. I am feeling better.. please know this and let it help you because we are traveling much of the same paths right now.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Sadgreeneyes,

How can you want to be with this man and how could you possibly love him??? Yes, he sounds very cruel. Again, why would you want to stay with a man who is cruel? How can you love a man who is cruel?

When will you be able to say to yourself, "I've had enough?"

Allan

[randomperson]

Sadgreeneyes I know why you struggle.

You have been hurt deeply in your past, then you reached out to someone. Someone who said "you can trust me, I am different" and for awhile it did seem like it was different. So you did trust.. you felt loved and it allowed you to open up in a new way that you never have before. It felt healing in a way.. from the past pains, from being alone.

But your trust was betrayed and it has become an emotionally abusive relationship. The mixed signals confuse you and you want to believe above anything it can work out, because you opened who you were to them.. it is hard to accept knowing they would still hurt you.. knowing your past.. and knowing how you would do anything to make things work, knowing that you gave your entire heart. This is me too!

I asked how can she say she loves me then turn around less than a month later and say she has trouble even being my friend? Wondering if I ever will find love because I have struggled so long and hard up until now and have been hurt so much, wondering if it is me?

Does this sound like what you are feeling?

It is not me.. like it is not you. You deserve so much more.

I realized she was not a good person. She was simply using me and playing mind games. It got too much and she was making me more emotionally unstable. I made up my mind I had to end things and it ended in a small fight with her and her sister. But I do not have any regrets. In fact after the initial pain went away I felt a little angry at her for using me like she did and not even respecting me as a friend. For treating me as scraps and not respecting me even as a human. You know at the end I told her I was simply hurting and would just like to be pure close friends.. and she ignored me. That is her.. she is not a good person. I have a feeling this guy is much the same.

Please just do not let his choices hurt you as much or as long as I let it go on and effect me. Took me 2 years of that nightmare before I decided to let go.. partly because of my lingering feelings, partly because of the abuse cycles, partly because I was/am afraid of being alone, partly because of my false thinking that maybe she was right that in some way it was my fault.. but it wasn't.

I let her hurt me more than she deserved. She was nothing. Yet I made her everything.

I heard a phrase once when I was hurting the most.

One that is worth your tears won't make you cry.

The truth of that phrase stuck with me.

[sadgreeneyes]

Hi Allan,

thank you for reply. I dont know why I would want to be with him after this, I do have negative feelings for him after this, that I would feel awful in same room with him, but I would still miss him and be in pain not being with him.

It has turned out for me like I still love him but I feel sick by the thought of being in the same room as him. Yet at same time I miss him. I feel an unpleasant feeling because I would know he doesnt want me or feel for me, it would be in my mind day out and day in, unless he suddenly changed.

I will tell him its better he divorce me if he cannot be close to me or have passion. I dont want to be a pure gratification for him, for sex. Even he think about me too during the act, I deserve closeness.

I will know more tomorrow.

I got a sad sympathetic feeling for my husband, he asked me kinda fragile did I think he was rubbish now? if I was angry now? I said no to both of them, he wanted to know what I thought about him, I said calm that I felt sorry for him, he looked at me with a look that told me he was confused why he got this answer from me.

Do you think I´m rubbish now. That was a hurt child talking, he was looking at me waiting to hear what rubbish he was,when he heard me say I felt sorry for him his hurt stiff attitude changed from a hard shell to soften up.

His mother screamed much,so much a couple times I thought bad things were happening. Her yelling went like an anxiety through my body. For a child it would be traumatic to hear her yelling. So bad was it. Once she screamed angry at my husband for forgetting my divorce papers in Amman. I came into the living room wondering what was going on, I supported my husband and his face light up.

I think he may can have a hate relationship to his mother, and gotten abusive towards women because of this. Its just a guess.

I think my husband is a narcissist with a hate for women, steaming from his childhood, asking was he rubbish now. Narcissists claim their love,but cannot be close to any women.

I dont know what to do.I know I will not be with him if he cant love me. It doesnt seem like he can. Doesnt want to divorce. And I am unable to leave him. I feel very unpleasant thinking of being in same room as him after what he has said unless he took initiative and changed.

[sadgreeneyes]

Randomperson,

thank you for replying, I know you did go through much pain, I am glad you found your way out and can start looking at life brighter and that you have become so much stronger.

I wonder how the outcome of this situation will be, like I said to Allan, I would feel very unpleasant being in same room with my husband after what he has said to me, if I should be able to be in same room as him he had to really make it up to me the hurt and pain he has caused me. If it is repairable at all.

Its right, it comes to the point we cant change another person. I said he had to divorce when he couldnt/didnt love me or feel for me.

He said he had never said he didnt love me, which is true, he hasnt said with own words he doesnt love me, but he must be not quite right, as he said he didnt feel very very very much for me, but it would come with time when we got to know each other. So he say he loves me at same time saying he doesnt feel much for me, that doesnt sound like loving someone.

Its absolutely contradictory. Narcissists talks contradictory.

I do think my husband is a narcissist rather than a con.

[sensitive_woman]

Sadgreeneyes,

I can totally relate to you and your situation as I've gone through a similar situation. Giving you a BIG HUG..

Dr Shwartz, its not easy to forget or stop missing a person you have loved, even though he may have been abusive. I said "I've had enough" and got my divorce but honestly I miss him from the bottom of my heart though I know my decision to leave him was the right thing to do. Yet I miss him a lot and cant think of anyone else in my life again. Its terrible I cant explain.

Right I feel like my life is over... though I have to gather courage and start functioning like a normal human being again. I have stopped working and just keep thinking and thinking and going crazy. But I know I will come out of it, I have it! Pray for all of us who go through such a sad situation.

[randomperson]

I would be not telling the truth if I said I didn't still hurt myself.

Anytime you give your heart to someone completely it takes a long time to heal. For me and only for me I know I made the right choice. She stopped loving me (if she ever did) a long time ago. She was just using me and pretending. Took me letting her go to see it. I feel for you both because I know that pain as well. Feels like you have been betrayed beyond words and like life can't go on even though it does. But I have been through extreme emotional pain many times in my life. It often takes years but it always eases with time.

[sadgreeneyes]

I know how you both must have felt and still feel, it is extremely painful emotionally and tiring mentally. Its true like you say, sensitive, that it isnt just to forget a person you love, even if he/she has abused you. Love isnt like a light to switch on and off when it turns good or bad. If it was that easy then every person would run away from the abuser right away.

I still hurt a lot, I am in mental pain as well. The harm and scars an abusive person leaves takes a long time to heal. Like you both, I gave my life to this person, still working on getting him here, he acts like nothing special has happened and talk like before, I am stunned over his lack of empathy, it is a shock to see how the person you thought loved you back just in a second turns ice cold with no remorse. I feel he might as well could not only be an abuser but a psychopath as he has no remorse, no guilt, no empathy for the harm he caused me. Not even what I felt was validated.

I have been shaking inside after we have finished talking,done things here at home and found myself shaking on my hands, my nerves, I fear him. Sometimes I hyperventilate. A little.

Yesterday he threw a new bomb saying he had felt bad all day as the embassy in Jordan had called him saying our case was rejected. While I just the day before got mail from the immigration office here in my country ( who has the case and treat it) saying that nothing new has happened with our case. You know, I dont know what to believe yet as it doesnt make sense, he wanted me to run to the office saying exactly what he said to me, I havent got to yet as the office isnt open before monday, I am now wondering if my husband has made this up to mess with my brain even more. I am so tired mentally, physically and emotionally. Several times a day I breath out heavily. When I do that I can feel in my chest how tired I am. Like an open sore.

And I feel so alone, cannot txt him as I have to wait till I come to cam. Not that I want to txt him or have anything to txt anymore. You know, I sometimes picture me this good love where the man holds his wife and they can be safe and happy, to be understood and valued and cared for. I feel so alone, both emotionally and spiritually.

I try to shut this out, but its not easy. In 7 weeks I go down there and I feel like I´m going to take an exam, feel even worse than that, I am so anxious, but I want to go there too as I want to see can he show any love as he now have said of course no one can have a marriage without kissing, passion and affection. So it seems like he likes to threaten me or to kill my self esteem,no surprise, I know abusers "have to" do this to feel powerful and in control.

When I asked him if he was sexually attracted to me he responded with saying I had a very very sexy body. He came closer to the cam with that face again. I said I meant me, my face, my look. Yes you are beautiful,he said more enthusiastic and continued saying do- you- think I would marry ugly women?? do- you - think man would marry ugly women?? he looked at me while he got the same face he gets when something is going on in his mind, whether its anger or something else.

Good thing is I know it isnt anything wrong about me, I know it is because he´s an abuser, dont even know why I sometimes doubt is he an abuser, it should be clear as the day. But I know victims gets confused.

You know, its quite scary, my husband who wrote me the sweetest love poems now turns ice cold and brutal just over night.

He is like two people now.

[sadgreeneyes]

He didnt say he changed his mind because he loved me, didnt say he was sorry he had hurt me, no he said he changed his mind because I had said I would make him happy. Abusers are known for seeing the partner/spouse responsible for his/her happiness.

[sadgreeneyes]

I also read links about narcissism from Dr.Sam Vaknin.

Its says that narcissists hates children and creating families as they see themselves in the child. Maybe this explains why my husband threatened me.

[Athena]

I think the only people who put up with narcissistic spouses are ones who do not feel they are worthy of somebody better. But you are worthy. Nobody deserves to be treated so cruelly. Every once in a while they'll say something nice, I don't know why - is it to confuse you/manipulate you?

I read somewhere recently that divorce is a "learning opportunity". Learn from this so that next time you make a better choice. But do what you need to do to heal yourself first. Maybe the fear of being alone terrifies you. Loneliness is hard (but temporary if you want it to be), but once he is in the rear view mirror, you will wonder why you stayed with him for as long as you did.

[randomperson]

I just learned something big for me that might help you as well since we both share many of the same reactions and feelings. I just found most of my emotional triggers lately have been tagged to a combination of rejection and emotional abuse.

[sadgreeneyes]

Abusers/narcissists they love to confuse their partners, this is part of who they are. They do this to be in control and to feel powerful. Sometimes the narcissist speaks contradictory, they say one thing and in the next they say opposite but with other words. Like my husband who said he doesnt feel very very much for me but he loves me. My husband also spoke about himself in third person twice, first time he said : is it easy to divorce (his name). Narcissists speaks about themselves in third person.

I know no one deserves to be abused, and living with a narcissist must be just horrible as you will never get any of your needs met. I do know I dont deserve this treatment, no one does, but still I would be grieving if I knew he wasnt there anymore. I would hurt and I would miss him despite how he´s treated me. I fear being alone yes, but thats not the only cause, I have feelings for him otherwise I would leave him even the loneliness. If I didnt have any feelings or being in love with my man then I would rather try find another man. I couldnt stay with someone I didnt love. Strange how my husband did agree in this many months ago.

I cant believe it, in between all his cruelness about the divorce and the money he said : "I´m not sure do I want to come to Norway". You know, just like that, spoke in a voice of tone that said he had no thought there was two people in this marriage, it was just him and what he wanted for himself. Like no connection I was his wife whom he asked to marry.

I sat there stunned over his cold detached words. Dont even think they are detached as abusers knows exactly what they are saying. Unless he´s narcissist or psychopath, psychopaths they dont have any concern for others and speak right forward about the matter. Just like my husband. Specially they do this to create fear in you, the two fears I have mentioned to my husband he has used against me. If abusers know your weak spots and vulnerability you can be sure they will use it against you to create fear in you. I think my husband has done just that. Knowing I fear abandonment so much. Thats why he said with a grin "I dont leave you just because I dont txt", and saying this after he said he´d leave me, then refuse when I said he had to leave me then.

Knowing this and how he has no remorse or guilt and no recognition of my hurt feelings is good tell signs he can be a psychopath.

He has also threaten me : you are not talking/ saying "anything" about our marriage to my parents, its non of their business, its private, he said. So it means I cannot say to them my husband doesnt want kids for example. I know my husband threatens me with not saying "anything to anyone about anything" because he wants full control and he wants no one to know about his behavior. And if problems arises he can blame it all on me. If other people know about his behavior he has no control.

[randomperson]

I'm not sure who he really is but I have gotten to know you more. From what I have been reading you are at the spot I was at. Deep down it is like you are asking yourself if it is ok to move on. You know in your heart he is hurting you and it seems like it can't work because he won't try. Maybe I am wrong.. but this is how I felt though I refused to listen to my heart.. I wanted so badly to be loved because I have been so alone all my life.

From reading your posts especially the last few it seems like you are also feeling this. It is not your fault. Know you did not do anything wrong. You have to search your own heart and how you feel. Do not let anyone influence you for good or bad. If the love is totally gone with no chance of coming back it is better to know it now.

I am so sorry you are going through this pain. I hope it helps to know I am feeling a bit better, because we have been down many of the same paths. I do believe you will feel better too as we get through these trials.

FYI "I dont leave you just because I dont txt".. my ex was saying the same type things almost exact at the end.. still makes me upset. She was trying to blame me for everything including her ignoring me. If they love you or even care they should want to write, not necessarily everyday.. but there comes a spot where you just know they are ignoring you on purpose. I think you told me those same words when I was hurting and felt so lost.

Sadgreeneyes you know we faced the same pains almost to a tee. I don't want to influence such an important thing in your life either way. What I suggest is to go back in the forums to where I was hurting so bad read what I wrote so you can relate what you are feeling and be able to look at things from the outside in and then read your advice to me, let that help you right now. This is your heart and how you feel minus all the confusion and pain that is clouding things now. I think it will help give you some peace and ease some of the pain.

Your advice helped me a lot. Kept me from getting worse at times.

[sadgreeneyes]

I´m so sorry random, because I know the pain you went through was an awful and painful experience, just like the one I have endured the last days and somehow still are, you are right we are somehow down the same paths. Even it now seems to happen something with our situation, it was really true our case got rejected, I wasnt sure how he would react as he just wanted to divorce last time, saying he wasnt sure he wanted come to Norway, like he had no wife. So I told him the bad news and he said with a hint of panic in his voice but what we gonna do now....lol...I´m not laughing either at him or this situation, its very sad, its just the way he now sounded, like he was kinda fearing what we now would do when he just 3 days ago was such a cold guy, you know. But anyway, we will send in a complain as the reason we got rejected was me not having enough income, but I know it can be fixed little later. Its really stressing, I did feel like there was no hope to get any loving feelings back, but now when the seriousness did set in again, getting the case rejected, it felt different how we talked again. But why he seemed as eager as me to fix this I dont know, difficult knowing is it for own winning or that he really cares about me despite his behavior.

I havent dont anything wrong that is true and like you say they should txt us if they really did care, well me and him we talk every second day over cam a couple hours and thats fine, but would be feeling much better did I know does he really care. He might have smashed his phone in the wall in anger lol no just my humor joking little:D ,but who knows what happened with his phone, I know he lost it down somewhere couple months ago but was working till now..guess I have to be satisfied we are on cam at least. Anyway he has other phone but this phone eats his money...yeah not so sure how much it eats for a single txt message..lol

But I do really agree with you, not could txt ONE message the days when not talking or talking is lousy in my opinion too.

Its right I have to follow my own feelings, what I feel about this, how things will progress, will he be any loving or not. He does know I dont want that kind of marriage, and I have yet to see can he keep his words. If he still is the same after weeks here then I will have had enough. If we divorce before 2-3 years together he will not get stay here, so he has to treat me nice. Once he said oh my god, how can I not treat you nice, he had to....heheh yeah thats really true he has to or he´s in deep trouble.

I´m glad that you found some help in my posts to you, I know it was a difficult time for you, so I´m glad you feel better.

The fact I´m married to this guy makes it little bit different though yet feels very much same as you felt, that we´re the only one who tried/tries to make it work, to get closer to them, feels very hard when there is no or little support and goodwill. Goodwill from the other part is so important.

[randomperson]

That is true. As I said you have to find peace in your own heart.

I know the pains you feel. Even down to seeing it will be along time before you can both be together. You are handling the last part better than I did and I give you my compliments on that. I couldn't take the final pressure (knowing it would be years if at all before I could be with her) and tried to press things knowing deep down what it would do. So the good news is you are traveling a bit different path now.. may it offer you more luck than mine

Side note for my story.. I read her FB wall history that last week.. When she asked for my money.. when she was flirting with me very personally. She was also "driving an hour to see a boy, hoping it was worth it" in her own words. So she was using me, period. While she was not even calling me yet expecting me to send her gifts and money.. she was driving over an hour to see a blind date.

And I hope I am not coming across wrong. I know I can't give too much advice because my emotions on this are to much in the way. I just don't want to see you hurt like I was. The pains and betrayal she left will scar.

I find it hard to trust women in relationships now. I have deep anger even some hatred for her and for how I have been hurt and rejected so much by so many. I am dealing with all of this learning what I need to do next to get better.

[CantGiveItAway]

This is alittle off topic but about losing posts, Luna gave me some great advice about writing your post offline somewhere (like in a notepad or something like that) then copying and pasteing on here. I dont do that all the time but I always copy my post here before I send it out and if it starts to be a long post, you could copy it now and then while your writing it because sometimes there are power outages here so if you lose it suddenly you can just go right back and paste it;)

[Guest ASchwartz]

Excellent suggestion.

Allan

[sadgreeneyes]

Random, I know you suffered a lot, what she did was just cruel, asking you for gifts and money while she drove to meet a blind date stating she hoped it would be worth it. I am very glad you said enough is enough, that would be enough for me too to end it if I heard my man tell me he go see another woman. There is the line. You didnt deserve that treatment, no one does.

And you know, there are many good women out there, you just were very unlucky to find a woman who was no good. I am very sorry about that. But its never to late to find a good women. But you need to feel what is right for you and most of all be ready to be in a relationship again. To be treated unfair and left with scars will take time to heal and its difficult to trust anyone again,but when all comes to all its a risk we have to take if we want to find love, we will get hurt but it doesnt mean we cant find good people, good love. The most important is to know a person some months before getting serious, I know thats not easy as the feelings will start developing early on, at least for me, I attach myself about right away to a person. I also know we are different, some attach not before after a while which is the best thing to do. Too bad the feelings comes too early before really knowing a person, as if we found out they werent good people we wold be able to run away and look somewhere else for love. I may have done a mistake not knowing this guy, but I didnt want to be alone and my feelings always comes early on and usually stay there until the person leaves me.

I think the reason why I am so patient is exactly because of that, have feelings and doesnt want to be alone. And I have some struggles with trust and ptsd that makes it good for me to have little distance too right now, so hope I will handle my ptsd when he comes here. I dread it. Pray the marriage must be blessed and that things will be fine without fear.

He said again everything will be normal, yeah even the closeness, I dont understand why he changes his words like changing socks, first he is at one end of the scale next day in a second he was at the other end and now he has returned back to were he was well well

Like he has acted in affectivity or something. I dont know, but cruel it was.

I told him we had to be happy in every way,both of us, he agreed, so has left to see will it be so.

CantGiveIt,

yes thats great advice, I have sometimes copied and pasted my posts in case they disappear, unfortunately last time I didnt

[Athena]

Hi Sadgreeneyes, CGIA, Random;

I haven't really been on the site for a few days which is unusual for me. Anyway, I came back and read the last few posts here and it seemed that what I've been reading lately as well as my experience as a temporary caregiver for my brother's cat may have some relevance here. Somehow my research on an antipsychotic drug I was recently recommended led me to read about bipolar, Borderline personality disorder (often/usually occurs with Bipolar) and attachment. If you look up Borderline, you will read things like major fear of abandonment/rejection/unstable sense of self/pleasing others etc. Sound familiar? I jokingly said to my brother "see, even your cat rejects me" as she went in to hiding the day I was to take her back with me. Then I recalled the Borderline trait "I hate you, don't leave me" and the cat trait "I hate you, now feed me" and realized we might get along quite well after all:D.

The most interesting reading I came across, in terms of "self knowledge" and why I get into the relationships I get into was on Attachment Theory". (interesting you used that word in a recent post SGE). Here is the link. It's a bit long, but I just keep it up and read it bit by bit. I'm still getting to some further links on it. Anyway, maybe you guys will find it helpful.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_(psychology)

[sadgreeneyes]

Hi Athena,

I looked at the attachment psychology, and its right much of our struggles do comes from childhood and it is very important with healthy attachment in childhood, without it we will have psychologically attachment issues as adults. I havent read much about borderline personality disorder or bipolar, but I will search it up and take a look.

I do struggle with fear of abandonment due to all my losses in childhood. I try to calm down and think ok if the person leaves me just let him leave, I can find someone who deserves me and if he leaves he didnt love me anyway. An easy thing to try and say to yourself. But it isnt easy at all when or if it should happen you got abandoned. Its only a defense mechanism not wanting to feel the pain that lies within the though of being abandoned. But I know I cant escape that pain. I cant pretend it wouldnt bother me because I know I would probably go into a depression and neglecting myself in every way, cry for months, I have done that before.

I got abandoned by another abuser, in 2007, we should marry, one day he said he loved me,saying to his friends this is my girlfriend ( me), two hours later when I spoke up and respected myself in front of his childish friends he threw me out in the rain that friday night, while they did party further. I never saw him again. Just like that. And he loved me. I said he never loved me. Cry me a river baby was the last he said to me. The day after I hyperventilated and thought I was going to die. At that point I thought nothing would ever beat this pain. And like we have said here in this thread, pain will heal. And so it did. And now it is this new man I have married. What surprises will this marriage give, more pain which I thought couldnt be beated??

So pain will probably heal again. But for each time, before the pain starts to heal, we usually think nothing can heal this pain ever.

I have for too long tried to repress my sorrows, losses and pain throughout life. I have cried but usually tried to repress my pain as dont cry, its shameful. But I "do know" its not shameful. Only in relationship with a man I have cried much, too much as they didnt deserve me, in "any" way. Only in relationship with a man I am scared to death being abandoned. I know that people like me will go to extreme lengths not to be abandoned, which is not good if you deal with abusive people. So I worry about myself and my future even I dont know the outcome "who is my husband". There I go again already doubting is he abusive. I say to myself do not forget the incident were he was so cruel. We tend to forget when the abusive person is back to nice and caring.

I ramble on here, could write a book...lol anyway I´m hoping things turns out more good than bad.