Athena Posted February 25, 2011 Report Share Posted February 25, 2011 I was trying to figure out if I had to put one forum topic as the core of my problems, I think it all stems down to relationships. From the age of 6 I remember being isolated, walking the schoolyard by myself, unhappy. I didn't know the word "depressed" yet, but that would certainly have described it. No motivation, no energy, no life to a 6 year old. So I think that's when it all started. Or that's how far back my memory goes on these things.I go in chicken and egg circles - what caused what - I think it starts here at age 6: No emotional bonds > loneliness > depression > no energy > no motivation > leading to age 17 > anorexia & no will to live > leading to age 42 > chronic back pain > age 47 insomnia > total burnout > anxiety > age 48 out of control > suicide attempt > cutting. Most of these things do not come and go, they are cumulative, each new problem adding onto the others. So what's next I wonder? I don't like the progression I see. During most of those years I had what most would call a pretty normal life, at least from the outside. Now I'm in crisis on so many fronts - no job, never ending marital battle, never ending lawsuit, disability income up in the air. So I picked a perfect time to dredge up a lifetime of problems and just simply add it on top of the crises. OK, that sounds suicidal in itself. However since that's not my current intention, I'm trying to stay healthy, just in case I lick all the problems. I"d hate to finally get some will to live then find out I've got some horrible terminal illness that I caused. THAT would really suck!I found some old notes I'd done at age 26, a period when I thought I was happy. Nope - a feeling of being trapped, no freedom, getting nowhere, fear of everything, hating every job I took, wanting to be somebody/somewhere else, no motivation. The feeling that life as I'd experienced it was a kind of living death. Man it's a wonder I'm still here. How do you stay in this state for a lifetime?Anyway, since it started with isolation, I figure that's the core problem. Work on that and hopefully the other stuff will fall away bit by bit. Well I wasn't exactly isolated for 20 years ending 2008. But I was in a marriage that I would describe as "bad company is better than no company", so I figure that counts as isolation with an awful lot of work, abuse and manipulation piled on by the other party. However 2 kids came out of it and now I simply see no choice but to get rid of the core problem or my kids will miss their bonding time with their mother too and the cycle will simply start over with them. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.So here starts recovery..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lindamomof7 Posted February 26, 2011 Report Share Posted February 26, 2011 Athena, Much luck to you and your recovery. YOU are worth it and your children are worth it. Reflection of our lives I think is a critical thing for anyone floundering as to the hows and why's of their lives. It could be good times or bad, but it is in the reflecting that we really learn about ourselves. Unfortunatley my reflections right now have brought about more memories of stuff I wish would have stayed dormant but again, maybe it is suppose to be this way.... Hugs to you and continue to put yourself number ONE!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Athena Posted February 26, 2011 Author Report Share Posted February 26, 2011 Thanks Linda. And I can't imagine....7?!:eek: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lindamomof7 Posted February 26, 2011 Report Share Posted February 26, 2011 .................. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Athena Posted February 27, 2011 Author Report Share Posted February 27, 2011 Yup, dysfunctional relationships R us .... I just fail to see why I'm considered the crazy one when my brother (no job, no kids) lives off his mother, then has the gall to tell me it's so obvious why my kids were placed in their father's care until I "get better" - which basically means "capitulate to his demands that he be supported by me" because he thinks I'll feel better after that! Yah, if they took kids away from every mother who drank 3 shots and left her school age kids alone in a safe place for 15 minutes, none of us would be with our mothers! Everybody views me as the one that will give in, so "for the kids' sake" just give him what he wants. Well - I don't know what he wants. I offered more in January, to speed things along - and got a nasty e-mail in reply basically wiping out three years of mediation! Give an inch, he takes a mile - why would I want to venture down that road again? Not to mention the fact that in therapy, it has been pointed out multiple times that I need to start letting people know what my boundaries are and to start protecting them - for my own mental health. It's so weird. I'm considered the stronger one when it comes to capacity to earn a living (despite me being on disability and him having a real job now FINALLY), yet somehow I'm considered so weak I should be the one to give in, and also the one not capable of caring for my own kids. Yes - give them to the parent who threatens to hit them, to "give them something to cry about", to "make their bum so red, they won't sit for a week". Yah, I'm sure that will do wonders for their future emotional well being. What am I missing here? I feel like I'm in an alternate universe where nothing makes any sense:(:confused::eek:! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lindamomof7 Posted February 27, 2011 Report Share Posted February 27, 2011 ....................... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Athena Posted March 2, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 2, 2011 It's been 14 days since I had my girls home with me. Every time I think of them I cry. Their Dad just "assumed" he'd be taking them to their doctor tomorrow. Yah right, he doesn't even know what the appointment is for! Plus it cuts into his work time. I think he's just dying for an excuse to get his new employer to fire him. After all, hard to keep up the "woe is me, I need spousal support" when he's the one with the job! Yes, he's probably worried I might turn the tables on him but no, I still have scruples - you make your bed and lie in it and I'll do the same!I just want to keep any form of contact up with my girls. I don't know how long it will take to lose my bond with them. Some days I go numb and can't think about it. Some days I feel like I've already lost them and all the guilt trips about "You have to stay alive for your girls' sake" become completely moot. Kind of just reinforces the comment from my lawyer "You never should have had kids with that man". Yup, take the parent away from the kids, the parent is no longer responsible, needed, wanted, thought about or required to remain on this earth. I don't feel like seeing anybody right now, although I did accept a last minute invitation from a friend to hear an expert on EMF radiation tonight. Certainly not a pick me upper. Basically a rundown on all the electomagnetic (micro and radio wave ) products that are currently out there on the market giving us cancer, with full knowledge by the manufacturer and governments (other than the odd one, for example Russia bans microwave ovens). My ex should go work for one of those companies, he'd fit right in. Am i just too damn demanding to expect people to have ethics? Because I really don't care to live in a world full of liars, thieves, entitled bastards, murderers and abusers condoned by governments, persecution also. Man,this is just all too much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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