Athena Posted February 25, 2011 Report Share Posted February 25, 2011 I was trying to figure out if I had to put one forum topic as the core of my problems, I think it all stems down to relationships. From the age of 6 I remember being isolated, walking the schoolyard by myself, unhappy. I didn't know the word "depressed" yet, but that would certainly have described it. No motivation, no energy, no life to a 6 year old. So I think that's when it all started. Or that's how far back my memory goes on these things.I go in chicken and egg circles - what caused what - I think it starts here at age 6: No emotional bonds > loneliness > depression > no energy > no motivation > leading to age 17 > anorexia & no will to live > leading to age 42 > chronic back pain > age 47 insomnia > total burnout > anxiety > age 48 out of control > suicide attempt > cutting. Most of these things do not come and go, they are cumulative, each new problem adding onto the others. So what's next I wonder? I don't like the progression I see. During most of those years I had what most would call a pretty normal life, at least from the outside. Now I'm in crisis on so many fronts - no job, never ending marital battle, never ending lawsuit, disability income up in the air. So I picked a perfect time to dredge up a lifetime of problems and just simply add it on top of the crises. OK, that sounds suicidal in itself. However since that's not my current intention, I'm trying to stay healthy, just in case I lick all the problems. I"d hate to finally get some will to live then find out I've got some horrible terminal illness that I caused. THAT would really suck!I found some old notes I'd done at age 26, a period when I thought I was happy. Nope - a feeling of being trapped, no freedom, getting nowhere, fear of everything, hating every job I took, wanting to be somebody/somewhere else, no motivation. The feeling that life as I'd experienced it was a kind of living death. Man it's a wonder I'm still here. How do you stay in this state for a lifetime?Anyway, since it started with isolation, I figure that's the core problem. Work on that and hopefully the other stuff will fall away bit by bit. Well I wasn't exactly isolated for 20 years ending 2008. But I was in a marriage that I would describe as "bad company is better than no company", so I figure that counts as isolation with an awful lot of work, abuse and manipulation piled on by the other party. However 2 kids came out of it and now I simply see no choice but to get rid of the core problem or my kids will miss their bonding time with their mother too and the cycle will simply start over with them. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.So here starts recovery..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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