Unmet Needs

[tobeistohope]

What does one do when they have unmet emotional needs such as attention, affection, intimate connections, and so forth? These are not needs that can be met without the consent of another human being, yet they are essential to our mental health. :confused:

[Athena]

Do you have a therapist? A good one will provide you with these things other than the physical aspects. Although if you're lucky, you could find one that is comfortable with hugs. I know it is not really what you want right now and it is not immediate. I'm gathering you want a real relationship from the sounds of it. That's more tricky, especially if you're not ready for one. Although, I suppose casual could work. Which are you looking for - serious or casual - or just a friend who cares?

[Luna-]

Mine are unmet too. I hug my daughter twice a week when she comes to stay with me, but that's it as far as touch goes. She is 17 and is more interested in her friends and sleeping (which is natural). Oh, and I have a few friends on hugging terms when we haven't seen each other in a while.

I wouldn't say attention, affection and intimacy are essential for mental health, though. I miss them, but you can be healthy without them. You grow to really like your own company and you cope with the unmet needs. It can be done!

And of course the possibility always remains.

[mscat]

What does one do when they have unmet emotional needs such as attention, affection, intimate connections, and so forth? These are not needs that can be met without the consent of another human being, yet they are essential to our mental health. :confused:

I understand how you feel. I do not have that either... But, i am really gunshy when it comes to all that. For me, I blame myself , because it scares me.

I do have a 17 year old son, he is autistic , but high functioning, I give a lot more then I get. What keeps me going are my dogs. They give uncondional love , and do care what kind of mood I am in. If only I could be different I would have my needs met more too. But, change is hard. People seem to want to judge when they first meet a person. I am screwed . I am fat, have lots of tattoos , and severe burns all over . A eye piercing as well. People judge very fast. Sometimes they are ok, sometimes not. I gave up a long time ago trying to get people to like me or even understand.

A therapist is a very good idea. At least it is someone to talk to, with an open ear.

[Luna-]

But depending on a therapist for one's attention needs doesn't sound right. That's not what therapy is for. If anything, it is designed to help you do without the therapist. Nor does it address affection or intimacy.

One can get a certain amount of affection from one's children, especially younger ones, and maybe from other family, but it may not be the kind you're talking about, tobe. Certainly not romantic love.

Some needs just don't get met. You mourn them and miss them, of course, but you develop other things in your life. You remain open to the possibility of meeting someone, but you learn to plant your own garden instead of waiting for someone to bring you roses. At least I think so.

[IrmaJean]

I think it's okay to depend on a therapist for a time as long as you are aware that this is temporary and that eventually you will need to fly alone. The relationship can be helpful in identifying needs. I agree with Luna in that this is what you hope to accomplish by seeing a therapist...to eventually not need the therapist.

I also think there are ways to embrace yourself that can be helpful in this. Feed the parts of yourself that are aching with things that bring you joy. Nurture yourself. Love yourself. How are you feeling today, Tobe?

[tobeistohope]

My therapist has been very good to me, total positive regard, present as much as is possible without being unproffessional, empathic, all the things that make up a good therapist. He doesn't hug, in fact I have never even shaken hands with him. I have been feeling especially angry lately, even to the point of blowing up at my kids. They are 15 and 16 and heard me say the f word twice this week for the first time in their lives. My emails to my therapist have been very angry (not toward him) but toware my situation. I am so angry that I have obviously not been nor am worthy of someone to love me and it doesn't have to be romantic love, just someone who thinks enough of me to want to be in my life. Is that asking too much? What does it come down to? Beautiful people get love and the rest of us end up in therapy? :mad:

[finding my way]

What happens along the way, tobe? When you relate to others, where do things break down or not get going? Hope things are ok today!

[Luna-]

You have been badly wronged tobe and of course you are angry. It's not that you aren't worthy of someone wanting to be in your life. You are worthy. Perhaps now just isn't the time? I don't know.

[IrmaJean]

What do you connect with in yourself that makes you feel whole and engaged with life, Tobe?

As to the hugging in therapy, I think it is also possible to experience "emotional holding". What positive feelings do you experience when you're with your therapist? What do you connect with in yourself? These are places to acknowledge and nurture.

You are worthy of love, ToBe. Have you tried reaching out to others and connecting with them? There is beauty in all of us. Maybe there is a place to start feeling love from within. This will naturally be appealing to others, but they have to see it first. Once you recognize your potential, others will too.

[Athena]

ToBe,

When I yell at my kids, and I mean TOTALLY lose it with them, then I usually end up hating myself afterwards. I expect them to hate me after that too, then I expect pretty much everybody I know to hate me, or at least dislike me. It just snowballs. And then - what I expect from people I usually get. I think I just send off a negative energy when I'm in this state, and it gets picked up by others. But I've also experienced the opposite. Ie: when I expect to have a positive connection with everybody, I usually get it.

The tough part is switching back from the negative mode. Some things that help me are - avoiding negative topics of conversation, reading uplifting books, listening to inspiring music and apologizing to my kids and telling them how grateful I am to have them.