Cant move on in life

[sensitive_woman]

My life has come to a standstill after my divorce. While I can do N number of activities that require me to do things solo, without involving any other human being such as playing the piano, driving, cooking and going to the gym... I am unable to do any activity which involves other human beings such as attending social gatherings, b'day parties, weddings or even 'working with people'.

I have always been a very social person and have many friends (rather acquaintances) who keep inviting me here and there. But I am unable to interact with them anymore nor get myself to say I'm divorced when they ask about my family. I have a hard time accepting it or moving on even though I'm clear this is what I wanted and filed for the divorce myself.

Why is this happening to me? I dread even doing a job ever again as I will have to face people or groups, which I cant do anymore. I have completely stopped socializing or going out other than by myself. How can I overcome this? Its already been 3 months after my divorce. I know I need to 'move on' with life but I just cant!

Please someone tell me specific steps on how I can overcome all this -

social anxiety and being able to work in a job normally without getting emotional or without getting migraine!

[CantGiveItAway]

I dont know, but it seems that 3 months isnt that very long and I think its ok to not feel completly resolved about the situation. I dont know what your divorce was like but some things that have happened may have been very painful and they may never completly leave you, that doesnt mean you wont get over it though. But I think you should allow yourself some more time and not put to much pressure on yourself to feel like you just have let everyone know as soon as possible.

Do you think it would be helpful to write out your feelings on why you got divorced? You could write it out everyday if it was on your mind and after writing alittle while it might help you understand more about why you did or had to make some of the decisions you made. I think you will know when it's the right time for you to tell people.

[sensitive_woman]

CantGiveItAway,

Thank you for your reply. I know that I couldn't live with this man anymore as he had a really nasty mother who made my life a living hell in the same house as I lived, because he refused to accept that his mother was creating problems for us, because he lost interest in the marriage completely and in himself I guess as he started getting addictive to alcohol, smoking, tobacco, because he started behaving like a monster and because I thought he would seriously harm me, I wanted to call it quits. What I don't know is, WHY he became like that.

His mom has always been an abusive woman and very jealous of me. He refused to hear a word against his mom. He himself because abusive and abused me both emotionally and physically. Listening to negative and sarcastic remarks all the time just ticked me off and I honestly I cant even talk normally anymore. I snap at people as the hurt has been building up for all these years. (I was married for 5 years). Even though its over, I cant get over whatever happened and I snap at anyone who even talks to me now even though I'm out of it. I honestly dont do it intentionally but I get so worked up. This generates a lot of fear in my mind about how I will interact with people and the fear of 'saying' that I'm divorced just gets to me. I just cant be my cheerful kind self anymore. It just hurts me even though its over!

[randomperson]

I am sorry that you are hurting.

Times where I want to say a lot just don't have the write words where I won't sound totally dumb. No one should have to suffer abuse. It was not your fault.

Over and over myself included we beat ourselves up for things that happen.

This is what hurts us more than anything. You are good. Take a moment to feel good about the positive things you have done in your life and remember all the great things you have to offer in all types of relationships.

[sensitive_woman]

Random, thanks for your reply. But I still haven't figured out WHY he changed like this? Why did he stand by his mom's idiotic ways and constant insults against me? Why didn't he stand up for whats right? Why did he become addicted to alcohol, tobacco and the bad stuff? Why did he let me go?

Obviously he didn't love me, right?

[randomperson]

Those are very deep questions that you may never know to 100% satisfaction.

I ask the same type questions myself about the last relationship I was in.

I poked and prodded around trying to be friends, trying to make the relationship work again, talking to her family. I found partial answers but not enough to ease the pain or satisfy the Why? In the end I have mixed feelings about lingering too long. I did get partial answers but delayed the pain deep down I knew I would have to face for over a year.

To know parts of the answer you have to trudge around in the past. How long were you married, when did he start drinking, when and how did the abuse start.. asking deep questions like that.

Often heavy drinking encourages abusive behavior. Often it does start from things that happened in childhood. Many times the problem exists before the relationship starts but takes time to manifest, thus it seems like it pops up out of the blue.

Almost certain the cause is a small mix of things.

But everyone is unique. Like Allan said often we want to get into someone else's head when we simply can't do that or know for certain what they are thinking or why they did something that hurt us so deeply.

To me in the end the real question was why did it not work?

I loved her and did all I could to care for her.

I felt hurt to give my heart and give my all to only have it stepped on over and over.

Deep down I don't think any response.. any answer would make that better or give me complete satisfaction and peace.

The real answer lies in what Malign told me over and over we all deserve to be truly loved. If they don't do that and refuse to work with you when you are wanting to make things better and work with them then they are giving a clear answer: we deserve better.

[sensitive_woman]

Random,

Are you saying that deep unresolved issues from his past were manifesting themselves in his abusive behavior with me?

I was married for 5 years. Ever since my marriage, each time (every year for a few months) I would leave him and go to my parents place because his mother treated me badly. She used to interfere all the time in our lives and my very existence. She would find faults with everything I did or didn't do, clothes I wore, her expectations from me were never ending.

In the last 2 years of our relationship, he went off track. She was a difficult lady to deal with (he wouldn't agree to live away from his parents either) but dealing with his addictions and abuses was intolerable. Initially he used to drink a peg almost every night which was ok. But he suddenly started drinking nonstop during the last 1 year and worsened in the last 6 months that we were together. I had clearly told him I can take anything except physical abuse. So when he started hitting me, I left him. Each time he would say it happened under the influence and say sorry. But I cant get over all that happened. I didn't do anything to deserve this.

Your last line was very striking. You wrote -when you are wanting to make things better and work with them then they are giving a clear answer: we deserve better.

But its not easy to get over all this. My whole life has changed. The name change is the most traumatic part of my life right now. All my bank accounts, credit cards, my passport and a lot of other official documentation needs to be changed back to my maiden name. It involves a LOT of work and I am ashamed and delaying a job as well due to this, apart from the fact that I cant concentrate and cant socialize with anyone anymore.

Lately everything irritates me even the slightest thing. Sometimes I feel like I dont want to live anymore or just get out and live in some foreign country all alone with no one to trouble me and I can live life by myself alone.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi SW,

Yes, adjusting is very difficult. But, just remember, you made the right decision and your life will improve as a result of it.

Allan

[randomperson]

I think it is very difficult to pinpoint why certain things happen because we can not read others thoughts. From what you said personally I feel drinking to the extent he did played a large part. In moderation it is ok but when it takes over someones life drinking can alter moods and reason. Other than that I would be guessing which would not be helpful.

Allan is correct. It is difficult and you did make the correct choice.

Living in physical abuse detroys who you are inside bit by bit... and it gets worse over time.

The phrase you said is striking and when I heard it I thought the exact thoughts you did. But the phrase stuck with me.. hopefully it will help me in the future and help me with my self doubts. Everytime a close relationship ends you ask yourself what did I do? This phrase helps with those self destroying thoughts.