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The man I plan to marry likes trans and..."Trigger" "Delicate subject"


Neurona

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My friend now for a couple of years has an interest in trans (sorry I do not know the politically correct name: trans (?) lady (boy?). And so far as I know has always liked porn including porn with shemales. When I have been with him I have noticed he likes looking other women but that is sometimes a little bit too much for me (he says he likes to compare the women and confirm himself I am the best (?). He asked me for instance once we were just “back together” why I did not asked the girl I talked for a minute in the street, whether I asked her also if she was still free that night. He likes porno a lot, a close friend have seen it once or twice but certainly not regularly but my friend does. I have seen porno a couple of times with some difficulty it is rough to see for me but could get use to it from time to time.

Another fact, after four years of marriage -so far I get to know- (he is now divorced) and preparing himself to a business trip, he started compiling shemale information. For instance, all shemale information possible (bars, streets, places to meet, etc) and this all before this departure to a very well known "prostitution" side of the world. He's always had a healthy sexual appetite. But he was abused when he was a teenager by a male family member a little bit older than he (several times: he was for instance asked to kiss the pennies of this person and maybe other things he did not dare to tell me, ...).

As far as I know, he regularly looked at porn sites as well as shemale sites and sex date sites. I do not know he if likes to dress in woman's clothing, but at a certain period when he was little he liked it. I do no limit myself to parameters and am open-minded would an average man have such a thing in his sexual history life?

The latest occasion I discovered something it was (among several shemale sites he was subscribed to, sex dating sites and general dating sites) when he showed interest in a shemale, this person was rather masculine looking (for me as a woman it was disgusting) and he was giving a challenging comment on his/her position (laying with a vibrator on his/her anus) in an extasis position (it was the face of a man with long hair and lipstick wearing a sexy bra but recognizable to me that it was a man).

Other shemales he dated when we were not together, I do not know how they looked (I think he told me he dated 3 when he was abroad, but in reality, it might have been many more? 10?) Back in the country he had had maybe also a couple of other shemale sexual relations (I found one information in which the shemale was taking about ass play that night) Is this searching for a woman with a penis something that I should talk to a specialist about? Please I need help to know what a man would do? All all men some time in their life under such a thing?

What I tell is all too personal, but I feel I have to tell someone. He likes anal sex and I enjoy that, in fact I enjoy being together in all ways a lot because I love him ?. Only these facts I mentioned are very disturbing for me even though he says he stops as now we are together (but when he was married he wouldn’t even in his early years of marriage). I just need some opinions. Another fact, he likes not only anal sex with me, but he likes to have it himself.

I really don't want to cause a big thing with us because I love him very much, but when I think about my future this is hard to bite, and I do not think I can trust that he would stop. Or trust he is not disturbed somehow. Or twisted? He has been into shemales for more than ten years (so far as "I" know). Please advise me, thank you.

Besides during the time being together and confronting him with the facts, he had to admit, but I know they were more; so in that he is not really being honest with me. I had a previous experience with a man who was always honest but not affective as he is, I think that is a binding emotional feeling for me that is gives me a lot of affection (hughs and caresses and the rest). Are most of men always looking forward? I do not have a problem with trying new things experience new emotions but this is blocking me a lot. He is so lovely with me, but so he does with any other female or shemale or ?

I guess the good feeling I have together blinds me very much and I do not arrive to make a decision and decide whether this is a twisted relation or a twisted man that would not be worth for a life time compromise. Help please

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I dont think he should compare you to other women, I mean what is he comparing you to. He should be with you because he wants to be with you and want to get married because he accepts and loves you. That doesnt necesarilly mean hes gonna cheat on you or is looking to cheat on you because he notices other women but I wouldnt like what he said about "trying to confrim your the best" or whatever but it was probably just some line he gave you and didnt really mean anything by it.

It seems like he has a shemale fetish which he may or may not be being completly honest with you about. He might be a little embarrassed and feel like its something to hide but it doesnt make him a twisted person. If youre going to get married he shouldnt be on a shemale dating or any kind of a dating website. but hes going to be attracted to whatever hes attracted to and even if doesnt look at porn hes still gonna have porn on his mind and think about whatever turns him on whenever he feels necessary, but if it makes you uncomfortable him looking at whatever porn he should respect that and atleast try to accomadate you in some way, atleast so its not in your face.

But only he would know if it is something that he needs to have and is always on the lookout for or is not capable of being faithful.

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi Neurona,

In my opinion, you should be concerned about this man being a boyfriend because he clearly has some serious problems. These problems are psychological in nature and are complicated. His need for "she-males," or women with penis, implies that he might not be able to be a good lover further down the road. I am not saying he's a bad guy, but only that, in an intimate relationship, he would not be able to be monogamous. Also, and I cannot say this with any expertise, his need for a she-male could indicate strong homosexual tendencies.

Again, in my opinion, this would not be a good match for you. In my view, to marry him is to take on a heavy load of severe problems.

Your thoughts?

Allan

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This is just my $0.02 but as a gay man I have been recruited as referee and/or confidant during my straight friends' many relationship dramas (apparently being closeted for 21 years means I can keep a secret). What I have learned from these experiences is that just about everyone has some sort of kink or another. In answer to your question does the average man have this in his sexual life - I would guess that the answer is no, the average man is not into shemales. However, this fetish is widespread enough to sustain the existence of bars and hook-up sites that cater to shemales and their admirers.

As I mentioned above I am skeptical that the average man has a strictly plain vanilla sexual appetite either; the question is what kinks really make you uncomfortable. It seems that your beau's involvement with shemales is one of them. This is already a source of conflict in your relationship and that is not likely to change if you get married. Also if he's going around the world to visit sex workers then I hope he is always using protection. Just sayin' that's a high risk hobby.

Regarding is this a sign of disturbance or being twisted though, I will argue that it is not necessarily so. "Whatever floats your boat as long as it's not hurting anyone" seems to apply here. The key is whether it is hurting anyone. I am guessing from your post that he has not cheated on you per se in that he was not committed to you at the time of his escapades. Nonetheless, the fact that he expected you to spontaneously engage him in a threesome suggests that monogamy doesn't rank too high in his personal values.

You did say you love the time you spend together but you're uncomfortable with his fetish. IMHO that is not a recipe for a good marriage. However I would weigh that against other factors such as how does he treat other women socially and is he generally the type of person you want to commit to. You'll have to take the good along with the bad in any relationship, but if the bad here outweighs the good you'd be better off seeking a mate with milder tastes.

My experience tells me that men are not likely to change due to pressure from their wives no matter how deep their love. A man may mature through being in a relationship (or maybe just gaining more experience in life), yet how he matures will be directed by his intrinsic values. Again please take this as only one person's input on what is a very sensitive topic. I am no psychologist or expert so I may be missing rather significant facets of this issue.

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Guest ASchwartz

Neurona,

One of my concerns is about the use of the word 'fetish" which a number of our community members have used. What I want to clarify is that you are dealing with something other than a fetish. A fetish is a sexual attachment to an inanimate object, such as, if a man must have female shoes to ejaculate, or women's underwear, etc. Women also have fetishes. Your fiance is attracted to other people, those who have a penis and breasts. They are not necessarily transsexual, although this can be the case. Its a perversion, not a fetish. It doesn't mean he is "twisted," only that he has a sexual perversion that will most likely interfere with your marriage and lead to disaster...in my opinion.

Ralph makes a lot of good points. As he points out, there is no harm in your fiance's perversion as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else. In this case it hurts you and will hurt you more. As Ralph correctly points out, there is the risk of his bringing HIV home to you.

We are not trying to slam him, only protect you or hope that you will protect yourself from an unhappy future.

Please think carefully about this.

Allan

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  • 2 weeks later...

Perversion may not be the nicest thing to call it to his face. Although aschwartz doesn't mean it this way, perversion has some negative connotations. Deviance might be better, although no psychologic term is nice to unlimber in someone's face over this sort of thing. GLBT people really don't like being called perverts -- and your husband falls within the GLBT spectrum, whether he admits it or not. Heteroflexible might be the right label for him.

If you have this image of a happy family life that's all Leave It to Beaver, don't marry him. If you don't care that he's bisexual, and if you trust him, and, most importantly, if you can talk openly with him about delicate subjects, then go for it. Monogamy might be out of the question. He might want to dress up like a woman. You might have really awesome, wild sex parties with all kinds of wonderful drugs. Or he might just have a passing attraction to mtfs and a tiny bit of regret over never having the experience when he's 80 years old because he married you.

I don't know what the answer is. Monogamy blows. Gender blows. Honesty and a willingness to calmly and frankly discuss things are the best tools at your disposal.

I'm a bisexual guy, and I can tell you that I'm perfectly fine being in a monogamous relationship for several years. I've never cheated on anyone, while I know many straight and gay people who do cheat. In the end, it's really up to the individual, and what he or she is willing to sacrifice to be with you.

Oh, and don't be afraid to entertain the idea of adding a third into the mix from time to time. It might be something worth considering.

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Guest ASchwartz

Khepri, and others on this thread:

I want to apologize to everyone about the unfortunate use of the word, "perversion." That's a word that goes way back to my psychoanaytic days and is no longer in use. Pardon me for allowing it to slip out of my mouth into my handwriting. Rather, it would have been better to write that this person has some type of disorder. He is not himself transexual. He is not homosexual (strictly speaking), he seems to be heterosexual but that is unclear. These are why I am of the opinion that he has some type of disorder. That is also why I doubt he would make a good marriage partner because I doubt he could be monogamous.

Oh, Yes, I want to add one more note: One person's disorder is another person's normal. In reality, it all depends on whether everyone is safe and in agreement about sexual practices. Other than pedophilia and sex in public, people can swing from the shandaliers and its OK if that's what they want to do.

Maybe I'm wrong about that. What do you think?

Allan

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I knew you didn't mean perversion like that, I was just trying to get irmajean to try and, like, figure out what I was actually saying. You can lead a horse to water, etc.

I'm really interested to know about psychiatry's views on human sexuality now. I agree that a lot of otherwise healthy, harmless human sexual activity is considered deviant by the mainstream, and it's nice to see someone in the field flatly stating that one person's disorder could be another's normal.

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I think IrmaJean understood you right away. Her concern was that one can say what they mean in all sorts of different ways. For instance, it probably wasn't necessary to suggest to the original poster to try threesomes; you might enjoy them, but she might not. I hope there's room enough in the world for both viewpoints.

I actually agreed with your suggestion that they try to talk about it openly. That's probably the only thing that'll work, if they're both able to do it. It's just that some of your scenarios ("wonderful drugs"?) were ... more likely not to be their style? And that's what IrmaJean was trying to say: the point of the thread is meant to be to support the original poster in what is, for her, probably a very difficult adjustment.

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I don't know what her style is, which is why I offered all kinds of suggestions. If she's not into it, that's cool. I just figured maybe she hadn't considered it. I didn't mean any disrespect, but I certainly got some.

I know it's probably killing the OP going through this. In situations like these, we need to make a decision: use our current world view and skillset to fix the problem -in this instance, through a frank discussion of what matters to us with clearly delineated boundaries- or adapt to the situation and change ourselves to take what we want. We can't shy away from considering things that might at first frighten or confuse us.

If I offended the op at all, that was not my intent. I merely wanted to provide a perspective that was otherwise unaccounted for.

Thanks for the critique, though. I'll try to be more delicate in the future.

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Khepri, no one has been disrespectful with you. As a moderator, I'm looking out for all members of the board. That means keeping as many people as I possibly can safe. When I pointed out that some of your postings could potentially be upsetting to others, you responded with sarcasm...twice. Simply put, it won't be tolerated. I'm a gentle person, but this is not acceptable.

I appreciate your understanding with regards to posting. I could tell that you were trying to be supportive and this is a great thing. We welcome your voice here. Let's try starting over with this.

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Guest ASchwartz

Khepri,

I want to answer your question about the field of mental health and attitudes towards sexual practices. Generally speaking, if two adult people, or even three or four, approve of and want sex with one another, that is fine. Its only when force is involved against another person' will that there is a problem.

Allan

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Khepri,

I want to answer your question about the field of mental health and attitudes towards sexual practices. Generally speaking, if two adult people, or even three or four, approve of and want sex with one another, that is fine. Its only when force is involved against another person' will that there is a problem.

Allan

ok, cool. It's nice to have someone in the field answer questions like this.

Your posts, khepri.

My posts are dangerous B| yall best step off or I'ma mash that post button.

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  • 2 months later...

Hello,

I belong to a message group with men (gay straight and bi). Some of the straight men, even those who claim to be married with kids, have express an interest in trans M-to-F people.

One of my good friends IRL has a straight (is dating a woman) friend who, nonetheless, likes trans in terms of a sexual fetish.

Some of the men have described it as not being attracted to men at all (emotionally or physically) but they get a very powerful vicarious thrill out of seeing another penis experiencing sexual pleasure.

It is no secret that there are ample shots of the penis in straight pornography, but rarely shots of the man's face. Perhaps this fetish takes this unspoken fact a step further by combining the visual image of the two?

I do not believe that those who are attracted to trans people as a fetish or kink (as I take it your betrothed seems to be) are gay by definition. To me, the truest measure of a person’s sexuality is not in what excites them in the moment (which, for men, can often be purely physical with no emotional investment), but rather who they have the ability to fall in love with for the rest of their lives.

If he has proposed, than that person is you.

As for his fetish/kink with trans... I suppose it all boils down to what you are willing to accept in your life-partner. People can't just 'turn off' what turns them 'on.'

How would you feel if you knew he was attracted to women with very large breasts (much larger than yours to an extreme degree)? You can never fulfill that particular fetish without serious plastic surgery, but he may still be attracted to them on other women. (I realize the difference, but my point is; he would be attracted to something another person has, that you don't. Maybe if you break it down to that level, it will be easier to handle for you.)

I hope something I've said will help.

I wish you the very best.

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