Fear of others' minds

[Sherzade]

I am going through some difficult times as I try to create a sense of separateness from others. I tended to merge with others such was my poor sense of self.

The fact that others have a separate mind, and I too have my own mind, makes me feel very anxious to the point of feeling paranoid. Being separate makes me feel incredibly visible and exposed. I have this feeling that I will be looked at, judged, criticised and laughed at. Fear and humilliation sinks in when in reality nothing bad has (yet) happened.

I look at the other in wonder. “That is another”, I think. And I feel incredibly lonely and isolated. My reaction: to defend myself by attacking the other. Hatred, jealousy, fear, shame. Loss of control.

How scary it is to feel so close to this enormous wish to hurt just to regain a sense of being in control. Of others.

[randomperson]

I think many of us feel alone and want to be connected to others.

[malign]

One of my favorite sayings is:

"I'm completely different, just like everyone else." :-)

Yes, we are all different. It's possible that some people will be so different that they won't understand us, and they might laugh.

But the vast majority of us hurt in similar ways, laugh in similar ways, love in similar ways. That, in fact, is the basic reason that a site like this one works.

[Sherzade]

Thank you randomperson and malign. You both said something that is true for me and as you say for most people.

Some people can be very unaware of the difference and separateness of others, but that is not my case at least intelectually. I can think clearly about the other, but at the moment i feel threatened by this other.

I relate to the other through comparison and competition. I end up feeling that I am a mass of rubbish that will not impose my poisonousness and smell onto others. The flip side of this is my enormous will to connect with others, to be accepted and loved.

I guess that my life experience (and probably some genetic constitution) has shaped me to see the other as a threat and not as a source of joy and good. I want to observe the other through the keyhole so I am not seen. If I am seen… the film ‘Carrie’ comes into my mind; her panic when she saw blood coming out of her when she was showering after a PE lesson.

I am probably afraid of me, of my power to create. Can I create something? I have lived close to death for many years; I have failed to help loved ones and I struggle to help me. What if I can actually create something and I don’t know? What if like Carrie I am panicking about my unknown power to create? As a separate human being? This thought is indeed scary… and others seeing it even more.

[Leo1954]

you are the only one i know that is also battling the demons inside i know sometimes i let it happen because to much happening with the other i am scared what might happen to me when i lose because some times i wouldn't mind knowing that if i do what would HAPPEN!

[Sherzade]

Hi Leo

I lived very much for others and in the end i had lost completely the sight of me. I crashed into a big big depression. It's not very very healthy to be so merged with someone else even if that person is one's own child (i say, not being a mother) or one's own mother... but when one cares full time for other(s), one forgets that one has one's own heart beating inside, one's own wishes, one's own dreams... and these are separate from the other we care for.

But as i said i am not a mother. I did see my mother though go through the same as you in a way. She had to witness her son destroying himself for many many years until he died.... slowly. so slowly since he started on drugs.

What i do now is support her reconnect with her own self, whilst i try to find one for myself. She still has my other brother who has borderline personality disorder and her mother who lives with her (89 today).

I remember her before all of this. She seemed so independent, so joyful, with lots of interesting friends, doing nice things, dreaming with her children being happy and successful... one died, the other is highly violent and unhappy and i struggle but try very very hard to make it. and i hope i will:)

How were you before? Before i don't know what. But do you think you can reconnect with a part of you that is not linked to anyone else but only you? And nourish it. Feed it. Warm it. Love it. Admire it. Dwell on it.

What music do you like?

[Leo1954]

right now i am not doing very well daughters Dr.s i had to fight with him today because of Vicodin Nocor Morphine patches plus her seizures i can't let them go but so far with her 500mgs. of vicodin 4 times a day come on no way then i called psych. went in to see her on a emergency visit we talked but i did tell her don't know how much more 1 person can handle i am slowly dying inside for my daughter to have a little peace in her life

Oh By The Way I like a wide Variety of music just trying to stay in reality but somehowi think i am kind of losing the battle

[Sherzade]

I am so sorry to hear about your daughter. Hang on in there Leo.

I understand that you feel on the edge but you are asking for support and that is all you can do at the moment.

Do you really have to die inside for your daughter to have peace? Do you mean that you feel that the fight(s) with her doctor(s) is straining you even more?

[Leo1954]

I just really feel empty inside i don't really mean i am doing this against her or myself

i don't feel as bad as i did last nite in fact my daughter got me laughing so hard today

on a remark she said i was shocked she came back so fast with a reply i said.

i tell you though i am really tired off this ABILIFY can't afford to be a zombie all dayy thats when she told me to take it but i thought you were suppose to take it at nite

I also have a friend who lives in Washington State and they have been put on alert for what has happened she says people are going crazy

I told her well hell i think i would be panicking thinking something could happen

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Leo,

Its a terrible thing for a parent to watch their son or daughter go through drug addiction. I know. I have been there. The hardest thing to come to understand is that there is nothing that you can do. Your daughter must come to want to change when she is ready. There is help for addiction to Vicodin and people do get off of it: with medical and psychological help.

I have not heard of anything bad about Abilify but I am not an MD. You could ask one if you are concerned. However, my guess is that its OK.

Allan

[Leo1954]

No! NO!

My daughter is not addicted to Vicodin she has brain cancer she is physcially & mentally disabled Her Dr.s are just loading her up on everything that is imaginable her cancer as of 6:00 p.m. today ahas now been 60% contained it is wonderful news to me i know she needs meds. but not what they have her on some of them have kept her seizure med.s from working she now has to many Dr.s i usually can keep up with them but they should talk to each other so now i have really stepped in and said this is it I have power of attorney over my daughter so as of today with the news i just found out its time for them to back up even if its a little

[Born to Perish]

I feel bad for you. I've been in a similar situation, but I have shined through. Now I am here to offer aid. Forget about those who judge and criticize. If they are not someone you care about then you should not value their opinion. If they say something to you that is negative, just literally act as if they are comepletely nonexistent. If they try to say something negative, just walk on by, just smile laugh and find good friends who will love you no matter what. If they can't accept you for who you are, then they aren't worth your time. Now if you please: Tell me more about these other selves and don't sugarcoat it, you can trust me. Don't let anyone else tell you that they can be trusted, because I am a good person and I am enlightened in a way in which many in this world have never seen. Please share it with me so that I can help as much as possible.