Jump to content
Mental Support Community

3 years later.... still a cripple


Jenna520
 Share

Recommended Posts

The last two days have been rather awkward to me. I'm not sure why, but I'm dwelling on things that happened well over three years ago. By doing so, I've been second guessing myself and feeling like a complete failure. I can't pin point one thing that has flared it up, it just happened and it's driving me crazy. Here's my story.... somebody please tell me why my self esteem would bottom out just out of the blue. 3 or so years ago, I wasn't married, but had been living with my then fiancee for two years. He had two kids from a previous marriage, I had one kid from my previous marriage, and we were one big happy family. He was a detective for the city police dept and fourteen years older than me. I was a manager at a major retail store, and was doing well for myself. I was paying my own bills without his help. We didn't combine our finances, he paid rent, I paid the bills and bought the groceries and the childrens clothing. I had just bought my first new car, had lost 40 lbs, and had given myself a makeover. I felt just beautiful. Then one morning I woke up, and I couldn't move my hands, I couldn't bend my feet, it felt like every bone in my body had been crushed in a compacter. I couldn't get out of bed, I couldn't hold anything, I couldn't go the bathroom by myself because I couldn't pull my pants down. I asked him to take me to the emergency room and he did, but while I was back there he went out and had breakfast with one of his friends from the police dept. I really didn't think too much of it at the time because I knew how much he hated waiting anywhere. The doctors prescribed me some pain medicine, told me to follow up with my family doctor because my symptoms matched those of MS or Lupus. I called him to come pick me up, and we went home. I had to call into work that day obviously because I couldn't move. When we got home, he carried me up the stairs to the bed so that I could sleep when the pain medicine and muscle relaxers started working. I hadn't eat, I couldn't because I couldn't feed myself. Next thing I know, he comes up stairs and tells me that he's going to go to his mothers house with the kids. Why leave the one you love there in the bed when they can;t move, they're hungry, and they can't use the bathroom by themselves?

Anyway, this lasted for three days. I took a medical leave of absence from work and they started performing tests. During this period they also noticed that my bloodplatelets were always low on all my labs. So I was going to the cancer center and seeing the hematologist. They ruled out ten different things but didn't test for lukemia because they wanted to see if b12 injections would help. So I had to start giving myself injections every week.

By the time the tests were done, I was falling to peices. My anxiety was awful, so bad that the doctor had to triple my dose of medicine. I was 110 lbs, and I'm 5'8 so I looked sickly. On my birthday of all days, he decides to tell me that he cannot be with a cripple. He said that he didn't want to have to take care of someone, when he wanted to go somewhere, he wanted to be able to go. I was speechless, went into shock actually, and it was all down hill from there. I lost my home, I had to move in with my parents which was an hour away from my workplace and my daughters school, eventually tests results came back that I had degenerative arthritis in neck and spine, and a bulging disc in my neck that was pinching a nerve. They would not rule out MS just because nothing showed in the MRI and rightfully so because my dad has MS. I ended up totaling my new car a few weeks later when a car ran a 4 way stop and it hit me right in the drivers side door. Doctors told me i needed to quit work because i couldn't move my neck, and that I needed to apply for disability. That's a hard thing for a 24 year old to accept. Especailly when independence is extremely important to me.

Now, I'm 27 years old, been denied for disability because of my age and education, I'm a stay at home mother to my to children, and am married to a wonderful man. I teach sunday school at church, and we have our own place out in the country just like I always wanted. But I've realized that since all this has happened, I've gained 50 lbs, I lost touch with all my friends from work, and I isolate myself in this house at all times. I go nowhere, I call no one except my parents and one friend that I have kept contact with. Why is it that I've done this to myself. I feel ashamed and embarrassed that I am the way I am. I am so insecure. When I see people that I knew, I try to turn my head to avoid being recognized, and everytime I look in the mirror, I see "the cripple". Why am I thinking about this now, when life is going better now that it ever has?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You have been through a lot. I have learned many lessons.. and think I have learned more sometimes than I really do. But one of the best things I have picked up is to forgive yourself. Self hate is a cycle I still struggle with. It is difficult to overcome. Even the act it self adds to the flames. Why am I doing this to myself in my mind becomes "I am hurting myself and I don't know why or how to stop, it is my fault"

My words are hit and miss.. as are my thoughts right now. All I can do is share the spots I have been and relate to the emotional pain and hope it helps in someway.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Perhaps you haven't processed and digested your feelings around the whole period of time when you were ill and rejected.

What comforts me in your story is that you are now happily married with someone that accepts you as you are. 50lbs more or less he seems to loves you.

Your ex-husband seems to have made you feel very ashamed of your illness. He treated you like if you had done something very wrong and therefore he moved away. The truth was however that you were going through a period of enormous difficulty and you needed the person you were sharing your life with to support you.

I think that feeling so vulnerable, fearful and dependent on others can bring in itself feelings of embarrassment and shame. I would imagine that you expected him to care and support you? And i can imagine how his cold and selfish rejection might have been cause of much pain. And more shame?

It's not your fault that you were ill. You could not control it. And being a "cripple" is nothing else but a situation. It's not you. It never was. Even when you were ill you were still the same person. Your friends know it and people that you knew before know it. You are all right as you are and you shouldn't be ashamed or embarrassed. Your previous husband should be immensely ashamed for being such a selfish and careless person. What a shame that you had to go through so much pain to get to know him.

Your husband has left you with a burden that is not yours. Perhaps the lbs you put on.

Take good care of yourself Jenna 520. You definitely deserve to be happy and loved no matter how you look like and how much your body changes.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

While reading your post it brought tears to my eyes. Perhaps you're right. Maybe I still haven't digested the whole situation just yet. I figured I should have since it's been over three years. Maybe now that the doctors have my pain under control and I'm doing so much better, it's bringing up something subconsciously. Maybe then and up until now, I was so focused on my health and the excruciating pain, and the way I changed physically, that I never really had enough time or ability to realize how much that hurt me. I've been thinking about it terribly since I posted this, even more than before, and I've realized that I have become angry at the whole situation. I don't want to be angry, I just want peace. I should have peace since things have gotten so much better and I married my husband and had a beautiful son after all this happened. I feel like I'm doing my husband an injustice by thinking about the past. I don't know what to do. It's a horrible feeling. God help the day that we accidently cross paths again. Maybe that's why I keep myself isolated so much. You can live in the same small town for a short while before you run into somebody from the past. Any suggestions on how I can get peace and be able to feel better about myself. My self esteem has bottomed out. I consider myself hideous, haven't even been intimate with my husband. I fear he will eventually see me the same way, I guess. I really don't know what's going on with my whole thought process at this point.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Honestly i think that getting angry with your ex is a very justifiable reaction to what happened. It seems to me that you are directing your anger and hatred towards yourself when your ex was the one who failed in all possible ways: as a husband, as a friend, as a human being. Wouldn't you care for someone who could not feed her/himself? Perhaps you would do it even for someone you didn't know.

I am curious about something. Who fed you when he left to his mum's house?

In my experience, if one doesn't have the chance to process the feelings caused by a traumatic situation, that person will not have peace with it. I think that before one is able to let go of something one has to acknowledge that that something exists. Make it conscious as you meant. And if thoughts and feelings related to that period of time are coming up to you is because they are important.

Working through ill help you recover, free yourself and see yourself from a completely different perspective.

Have you considered talking with your husband about what's going on with you? And have you considered a therapist to help you process these difficult experiences?

Meanwhile please do come here for support.

:)

PS: i am still trying to process things that happened 35 years ago. We can live a life time apparently detached from our own selves...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have spoken with my husband but he doesn't understand at all. He automatically assumes if something about that time period bothers me, then that means that I still love my ex, and that's the last thing I want to be accused of. There are a lot of things I feel towards my ex, but love is not one of them. Financial matters make it impossible to talk to a therapist. I've never had something eat at me as much as this has. It's so frustrating.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm so sorry that your husband didn't understand :)

I've never had something eat at me as much as this has. It's so frustrating.

Reading your email i can understand why. Perhaps you need to spend some time thinking about it.

Since you can't afford a therapist, maybe you can consider taking some time to think about it. Some people find it useful to write a diary to help you with the progress. Or paint, draw, make collages... write a story about it, invent characters... anything that may help you getting in touch with the feelings and think them.

Have you got a good friend you can trust?

And you can always come here and write to us who can listen to you and share our thoughts and experiences.

:)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
 Share

×
×
  • Create New...