smallstar Posted April 30, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 30, 2011 luna, thank you for supporting me even when I don't deserve support. I know I was bad and made bad decisions, I'm just so grateful to have friends here that ate kind to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luna- Posted May 2, 2011 Report Share Posted May 2, 2011 I don't think you're bad, though. The decision was not too smart but that doesn't make you bad.I feel the trigger was important because what you wanted was valid. You wanted to 'break free and have some fun'. What did you want to break free from? Is there another way you can 'break free' that doesn't involve drugs? And is there some other way of 'having fun'?How are you now? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smallstar Posted May 3, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 3, 2011 Hi luna.Here's my problem. At this point I am feeling better, I feel guilty for not feeling worse. I also now feel like it was a good night. I haven't used drugs since then so I feel like I got away with it, and I enjoyed it, so what is wrong with doing it occasionally? I'm not able to get out of my house often, I had to lie to get out, so it's not like it would be too often. I know I shouldn't think like that, I know it's wrong. I don't know how to be social sober. I know that sounds stupid, but that's just how it is. If I'm sober I'm so withdrawn I don't come out of myself.I don't know, I'm sorry, I'll shutup, I know what I sound like, it's upsetting and frustrating. I had a real bad day today but I feel better tonight, eventhough I know I shouldn't. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted May 3, 2011 Report Share Posted May 3, 2011 I haven't used drugs since then so I feel like I got away with it, and I enjoyed it, so what is wrong with doing it occasionally?You were in a potentially dangerous situation, though, weren't you? I don't know how to be social sober. I know that sounds stupid' date=' but that's just how it is. If I'm sober I'm so withdrawn I don't come out of myself.[/quote']I'm still working some on this area myself, and it can be challenging, I agree. Not knowing how doesn't mean you won't ever know how, though, right? Have you tried placing yourself in your discomfort zone in these situations? I know, easier said than done. You might try doing this a little bit at a time until you build some feelings of confidence. What do you think, Star? You're a good person, and others would appreciate seeing your light. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smallstar Posted May 3, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 3, 2011 I wouldn't say it was really dangerous, I was just worried, but I just know next time not to go anywhere, if there is a next time, I'm not planning it, but I don't trust myself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luna- Posted May 4, 2011 Report Share Posted May 4, 2011 This is fantastic material for therapy. I hope you feel safe enough to tell your therapist this? Hi luna.Here's my problem. At this point I am feeling better, I feel guilty for not feeling worse. ... I had a real bad day today but I feel better tonight, even though I know I shouldn't.Do you think your should feel bad because you made a bad decision? I hear you; you don't think it was such a bad decision; have I understood you right? I could probably give you several reasons why I think you shouldn't do it (for one, isn't heroin highly physically addictive?), but my reasons won't work for you - you have to find those yourself. At some point the cost may just become too high for the short-term reward and when you reach that point, you will have found the reason(s).Just please be very, very careful, starfish? It's very risky and could go wrong ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smallstar Posted May 4, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 4, 2011 Hi luna. Yeah, I'm trying to figure it out. Not sure about telling a therapist yet, I'm starting a new program, probably next week, I will see how I feel because I would like to be able to talk about it. I know it isn't a good thing to do, I wish I didn't feel so drawn towards it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smallstar Posted May 5, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 5, 2011 I've decided that maybe some people are just meant to do drugs. Maybe if I stop denying myself maybe than I'll want it less often. Right now I'm just desperate, have to have something and the cousin I like is back home, not the scary one, this one is cool, and he is kind to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smallstar Posted May 6, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 6, 2011 Well, I've screwed up again. Never really gave myself a chance. Wouldn't let anything changer my mind, didn't want to. Ashamed to admit that I feel so excited and happy to have drugs. Now I am stuck with trying to figure out how to knock it off. I have to givr myself a chance, at least try. I have to admit that I didn't care. I was selfish and wanted what I want. I wouldn't allow myself to even think about trying to stay sober. I feel like I am getting in a better frame of mind about it. I also can see I have a problem and I need help. I'm going to try to tell my therapist what's going on wish me.Anyway , could really use a friend tonight. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pseudome Posted May 6, 2011 Report Share Posted May 6, 2011 Hey, hang in there. I've never done much in the way of drugs myself, but I've been known to hit the booze pretty hard from time to time. I know all about feeling like an idiot afterward too. I hope things go well with your therapist. Take care! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smallstar Posted May 6, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 6, 2011 .............. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smallstar Posted May 6, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 6, 2011 ............... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pseudome Posted May 6, 2011 Report Share Posted May 6, 2011 Hey, man, are you ok? Feel free to PM me if you need to chat. I'd be happy to hear you out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smallstar Posted May 6, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 6, 2011 I'm fine, thank you. I messed up as usual, just a stupid girl who deserves to feel bad Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pseudome Posted May 6, 2011 Report Share Posted May 6, 2011 ...and here I am calling you a man... sorry about that. No one deserves to feel bad. If you need to talk (write) more, I'll listen (read). I guess not too many people were on last night. I know that can be frustrating. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smallstar Posted May 6, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 6, 2011 No need to be sorry.And no need to be nice to me. I made a conscious decision. I'm just feeling bad for myself. I'm sorry, thanks for being kind. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pseudome Posted May 6, 2011 Report Share Posted May 6, 2011 Sorry if I'm being pushy, but you posted on here last night because you needed someone to talk to, right? You are sounding very down and hard on yourself. We all make mistakes. I feel bad for myself constanty these days. And stupid too. I've made plenty of mistakes. I self destructed enough to send my amazingly tolerant girlfriend of three years running away because she couldn't watch anymore. Nothing makes you feel more like a dumbass than when you manage to ruin the only good thing you had with your own self inflicted agony. I hope you take care of yourself and get help if you need it. All the best. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smallstar Posted May 6, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 6, 2011 thanks, I'm sorry, I just don't feel well. I am going to try to make this right. I am feeling like I don't want drugs anymore. I think I may have felt better sober. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smallstar Posted May 7, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 7, 2011 anyone wanna talk to me? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pseudome Posted May 7, 2011 Report Share Posted May 7, 2011 what's up, smallstar? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smallstar Posted May 7, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 7, 2011 Nothing just lonely. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pseudome Posted May 7, 2011 Report Share Posted May 7, 2011 Are you sober tonight, smallstar? Everything ok? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smallstar Posted May 7, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 7, 2011 Everything is great, but no , I'm not sober. So that's not great, but I got out of my house for the night, and that's AWESOME. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pseudome Posted May 7, 2011 Report Share Posted May 7, 2011 Do take care of yourself. Have you made any plans for therapy/treatment or anything?I'm going to try to go to bed soon, but that never ends well. I'll likely be on here again later tonight if you need to chat. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smallstar Posted May 7, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 7, 2011 Okay thanks, see ya later. I have plans for treatment! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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