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Discussion on forming new friendships


randomperson
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Ok I think I am ready to focus on growth and getting better.

For the first time I got all my frustrations and worries out.. you all have been so patient listening to me and giving guidance.

So how do I take the first steps to making more friends.. or even talking to more people? In my city people form small clicks or stick to their families and it is hard to get past this even when I do get to know them some.

How do I approach a stranger and start to really talk and get them to really talk back?

One instant thought on this part is maybe to talk to guys first as I will have much less anxiety and they will be much less fearful of starting a conversation.

Maybe it is the process of understanding how friendships are formed and how they fall apart. Not sure but would like to hear others thoughts, advice.. anything on this topic.

I tried dating sites when I was very hurt and rambling. Those sites hurt me more. Should I still avoid them or give it another shot?

Edited by randomperson
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I live in a very big city so there are lots of places that offer courses, classes, groups.... i just google if i want to find something. For example if i am interested in a course on photography i google: short courses photography Bratislava (not my real city). Or: salsa lessons Bratislava.

There are also some advertisements on the local newspaper. In here you can even find support groups, which is a great way to start interactions if one suffers from social anxiety.

The council website also gives you tips on how to find recreational activities.

I think that a good way to make links is through art. Art can function as a medium between people. There are many dance, music, drama and art schools for that offer varied art forms for adults.

I find that drumming is a great way to connect with a group of people. If you like drumming you can check if there are any drumming classes or groups around where you live.

Good luck with your search :)

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Random,

Do you have any old friendships you can rekindle? People that for whatever reason you've just lost touch with whose company you enjoy? ...After I wrote that, I just sent off four e-mails to people I had meant to get together with but just hadn't got around to doing for some reason.

I also looked up meetup.com as had been suggested to me a couple of times but I found the site a bit daunting. You may have more luck with it.

I plan to join a mixed choir in the fall. Maybe I'll take some solo voice lessons before then as I think I'm a little rough. My daughter's choir was invited to sing at a local function a while back where a men's choir was performing. The guys looked like they were having a ball. I think men's and women's choirs are quite popular, mixed not so much. I find music is one of the best ways to bring people together (somebody already mentioned drumming above)

Yes, I'd agree, seek out whichever gender you feel more comfortable with. I think it's just important to get out and meet people who you can hang out with before working up to romantic relationships.

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Glad I created this thread some nice ideas coming from it.

On starting up old friendships.

Next weekend I am going to watch a friend play in his new band on Friday.

Also having lunch with a friend in a few weeks. For the most part the friends that were close before are still close, and the ones that were not are hard to get close to.

I have thought about searching for a church with single people around my age.

Every Sunday I am normally tired and procrastinate or have some other place I need to go. I need to stop that. Especially now the Christian radio station I was listening to went off I need to get those positive messages somewhere.

Googling local activity groups is also another superb idea. Never thought of that.

I feel good about this. For once I am taking things into my own hands.

This and next week will be busy but my goal is the 3rd weekend to do something be it as simple as go to a new church.

Edited by randomperson
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Hi Random,

I thought this might be a good place to pose this question: When you try to connect with somebody, how many unreciprocated attempts should you make? I think to expect a response after one call or e-mail is too little because people are busy, it may be a bad time for them, they may be on holiday and who hasn't buried an e-mail or two or lost a phone message? And some people are just better at getting back than others. But I think two attempts is my max, at least in a short time frame. There are lots of people out there - I'm just thinking that if people don't get back to you after a couple of attempts at connecting, they just don't care about you. Or they are massively disorganized or maybe as depressed as I was a week ago and just don't want any human connection. Maybe it makes sense to pick it up in a month or two, they could be in the hospital or in crisis or who knows what else? Just thinking out loud. Does anybody have a rule that works for them - ie: they don't feel on the one hand like they are giving up too easily or on the other hand feeling rejected?

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That is a great question and I am not really sure on the answer because people are different. Remember what I call "Facebook friends" that is the exact reason I coined that term. My definition is someone that will accept your friend request but only write back on their terms when they want and only occasionally ~ once every month or so and only when prodded.

My gut instinct is if you have an initial pause like it seems you are by writing, there is a reason for it. I have done much much testing on writing. For the general public less is better if they are not writing back. I have had some where they were just super busy, others where they were simply snubbing me.

And it is impossible to tell which is which.. believe me I have tried lol.

But simply put if they really care about you they will write back in a few days, few weeks max. No need to write multiple messages as that gives them too much power and control over our lives. That is my experience.

On the dating sites I did sometimes need to write another time months later just to cut through the clutter of being over looked. That is the one exception I have seen.. sometimes life gets so busy you can get overlooked and forgotten not on purpose. Typically though even people that are busy will write back when they get free time.

The rule I use if it is someone that means something to me give them a week and a half then write a second message, if they ignore that as well leave them be for at least a month, if they ignore you after that drop em.

Likely they are jerks anyway if they are already ignoring you and none us us need more of those in our lives haha :D

My own experience sooner than that made me seem desperate and needy and got worse end results. Course sometimes my anxiety gets up and I do it anyway lol.. but I'm working on that :D

Of course on this I am talking about initial contacts. People you talk to on a normal basis.. well you know them :) Judge conversations more on who and where they are in life but do not worry because they are already part of your life.

At the same time I feel my opinions on this might be a little off and would like to hear others views as I have asked this same question to myself many times.

How do others feel about this?

Edited by randomperson
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