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Why do I feel I have to feel guilty?


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Its not easy to break free from destructive patters concerning my relationships with abusers. I havent gotten any help yet and I struggle with deep issues from childhood and trauma.

Its not my fault I have problems leaving an abuser as I do have feelings for him, its not that easy. Its not my fault I feel I hurt my husband if I leave.

I feel hurt or sad when people who have been in similar situation as me tells me "but why are you married to someone you dont even know nearly" and so on. And "isnt it enough you know how he already acts".

They have done the same, ending up with abusers and psychopaths. And still struggle, so why is it so easy to question others this "why" when they have done the same. I´m not the only one who has jumped into a relationship or marriage. Many have been swept in.

Even I have tried many years thinking next time I wont end up with someone who abuses me, I have failed. But so has the others.

You can not expect someone to change patterns without getting the necessary help first.

I´m just sad that I cant be loved or find love. I feel so sad I have my struggles. I am a good person who have serious problems not hurting my man even he treats me like dirt.

Where is my sad feelings coming from? when I feel I hurt my man who treats me like dirt? how is it I cant stand the pain I feel if I hurt my man even he treats me like dirt? I know if I didnt have any feelings for him I would not feel so sorry for him but I would still feel horrible and bad, but not to the extent I wouldnt leave him. So why it is so hard? why do I feel so much pain and guilt? why do I think he will be in such pain if I leave? why do I feel better I sacrifice myself so he would not be in pain?

I am longing for to be treated with love and to be valued. The server who was down at runboard told people they would like to serve them some snacks and a cool drink while waiting, just reading that made me wish I was cared for by my man in a similar way, with love, some warmth and comfort and knowing it was ok to be cared for, I wasnt any person who gave any burden even I got served this cool drink.

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We all want to feel loved and to love back. Your right it isn't your fault, please don't blame yourself. I was in your situation and know what you mean people close to you roll their eyes because they don't know how you feel. Wonder why you have not already left, it is easy to be a back seat driver as they say. It is frustrating and doesn't always help at the spot where you are emotionally.

You know my situation, just like yours. Your married but I was almost engaged and gave my heart just as you did and it was long distance as well. Everything to the personalities to the situations are similar. So you know I understand exactly how you feel.

It took a year and a half for me to give up.. and then most of that is because I could tell she already had given up and moved on. Still at times it hurts, even this morning.. I feel so betrayed. I am proud I have not messaged her or even looked at her picture in a long time. I am proud of myself for that, because it is a challenge even now.

In my heart I knew she was not right for me.. but I shared who I was with her at one time we were close our conversations clicked she was so cute.. and I felt I couldn't let that go that we were meant to be together. You know my words how deeply I tried everything in my power to make it work.

But in the end I realized be it my fault or hers we had changed too much and were no longer able to be even friends. Our relationship or what was left of it was hurting us both and driving me nuts and needed to be dissolved. But this was my experience unique to me.

So do not think no one understands your feelings. If you want to talk out the emotions you are going through I will be glad to.

The good news I no longer feel like I am in limbo like I did. Still hurt, more lonely.. wondering like you if I can or will find real love. But it is better than the horrible limbo state I was in because my mind was split and I was fighting within myself both loving and hating her at the same time, unable to be at peace or give my heart to anyone else including me. She had lost interest in me yet still had total control over my life. I did that to myself.

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I am longing for to be treated with love and to be valued.
You can start on a healthier path by first valuing yourself.

Maybe the time has come to make some choices for yourself in this. I understand that it is scary for you to consider ending this' date=' and ultimately the decision is yours to make, but perhaps much of the anxiety and pain you're feeling right now stems from your fears of being alone. What do you think? What is best for [u']you in this?

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Hi Random and Irma,

I know you have been where I am random and I know you understand my feelings, it comforts me to know someone knows exactly how I feel because it is so difficult to leave when our feelings gets in the way for living an abuse free life. Sometimes I just wish he would leave me because I am not able myself. Everybody says he is using me and I am the only one who is in a FOG about him and his intentions and true colors.

It seems like I just have to work on get him here and wait for him to leave me. I am not able to do anything. He seems angry and annoyed all the time about the case, today he said yes its your fault our case got rejected, because I hadnt read the rules about how much my income had to be, its true I did a mistake not knowing what type of money who was accepted as future income. Its true I didnt read the rules good enough and I wish I had seen this before. So I can understand he is angry too.

I honestly didnt know my type of income wasnt accepted and he was angry. When I did find out 9 days ago, I was sending paper to the udi about raising my income but too late as they knew my income was too low so they rejected the case. He said several times he wasnt angry, then he suddenly admitted that this made him want to explode as he was suppose to be here with me now.

He calmed down. Now I feel the pressure, having to get job and work contract within two weeks as the time of complaining about our case will run out. Or work it another way. He is angry I made mistake. I know its bad, but that doesnt excuse his cruel behavior against me. Its like he did it to punish me.

Tonight he said he was waiting good news and it sounded like I had not been able to give him the good news. I tried to make him understand I wasnt a magic woman, or head over the authorities, that he had to be little understanding, that I wasnt made of stone with no heart or feelings.

I said it doesnt help to be angry at me. He got quiet and said he was sorry, but that he was only like this because of our case. He said this wasnt the way he was and that he wouldnt be like this when here with me.

But how does that explain his cruel behavior. Seems to me he wanted to punish me for my mistakes. It seems to me he refuse to give of himself before he´s here with me even he said again yes it was ok I came down see him, that we had talked about that, even this he got annoyed about. Even refused to answer did he want me to come as he wanted me to answer him first did I want to come, he threw the ball to me, why I dont know.

Irma, it is so scary for me,I am so scared I will never be attracted to the good guy, and that is so strange because I see many attractive men who has women, I even know a christian woman who has a very loving husband and he is handsome and not abusive. So why do I meet only the abusive ones?

Or are they hiding their husband is abusive too, I am thinking.

Random and Irma, I do know this man has to leave "me" first, I am not able to be the one to leave. My feelings for him is getting in the way, whatever theses feelings are, love, fear of being alone, I just know I would miss him. If I had another man here now who I loved and who cared about me I wouldnt be happy as I would miss my husband, so it must be because I have feelings for him that is real and not just because I fear being alone. And yes I would be scared of the good guy, would it be boring or would it be passion and love. We seem to be attracted to what we are familiar with from childhood, its sad.

I think I am not able to do anything until he leaves me, as I am sure he will, because I dont think he will grow any feelings for me or love me, even he say so. Wish he would treat me good and love me of course, but I do not deny the fact that probably wont happen. And if he abuses me more maybe I will be strong enough to leave him not long after.

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Please re read your last post and look at what your own feelings are saying.

I understand not leaving him if that is what your heart is telling you. Marriage is an important commitment and should not be taken lightly.

At the same time you are saying you know he will leave you. You are saying you are going to go through everything and much pain to bring him to you just so he will leave you........... if you truly know he is using you.. please do not make my mistakes do not follow my exact path. This is what I did.

I felt the exact feelings you are.. exact. Deep down I felt she had to be the one to leave me.. and I felt one day she would that I had to see this through or I would always wonder what if. Looking into the future know going down this path is rocky and the cost of easing the what if could be high if we do travel the same path.

Left me with much bitterness and the feeling of being used and discarded.

What hurt me the most was how much I did to help make her life better with her doing nothing in return.

I still feel so used. To this day it bothers me.

I'm not sure which would have been worse the what if, or feeling so betrayed and going through those extra months of emotional pain giving my all sacrificing so much.. while deep down thinking she didn't love me. Even now I'm not sure if I made the right or wrong choice.

I think that is one question you should look at.

On another topic not all men are abusive, like not all women are divas. You can find someone good if he is not.

Again I do not know him if he is abusive or anything about him. But it sounds like you have doubts. With me my doubts consumed me. I couldn't move past them especially not being able to be around her or know who she was for sure. Little tips of her nature kept popping up and I would keep pushing them away. To this day I don't know if I was patient all along if things would have worked or not but my thoughts and the pain she caused never went away and made it impossible to have a real relationship even a real friendship with her, it kept eating at me and getting worse over time.

I don't know the answer.. just be careful. Don't let yourself be hurt like I was as deep as I was no matter what you decide to do.

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Perhaps I am very dfferent from most... To the OP, To me, it looks like your whole life depends on your man , and this is how you are happy or unhappy.

Well, just wanted to help you by telling you that you can survuve without a man! Your happiness should not be all about this guy . If he is abusive , then get the hell out , he seems controlling as well. You can stand on you own two feet. In no way you ought to feel guilty, or ashamed. If this is a toxic relationship always you being the one hurt, perhaps it is time to take a stand and make good choices for yourself, think that you can make it without him, and take charge of your own happiness.

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Random and mscat,

Yes, I say I am sure he will leave me, but that is more my mind being pessimistic as I always think the worst, I am not sure will he leave me,no one can be 100% sure if someone will leave you or not, if so was I wouldnt have any hope at all, then there would be no reason to continue the marriage. Its easy to have a pessimistic mind when you have just been abused. The reason I think he will leave me is because he doesnt want kids with me. Even he said he didnt want with anyone. I know from Dr.Sam Vaknin´s links about narcissism that narcissists hate children and does not want any. It might be the reason why my husband doesnt want kids. They lure you into marriage saying they want kids and are loving and all, then turn around after marriage, withholding affection and love, and even say they do not want children. Just like my husband has done. See the picture? Abusers try to degrade you sexually. My husband has tried once. Theres lots that tells he is abusive. Throwing threats. Its all abusive, I know, still I cant let go as I doubt myself even I see he is abusive, I just dont understand myself why I doubt. Its just that he seems to be a good guy too. Its just this horrible roller coaster he let me go through. I just wonder would this be the first and last abusive incident.

I remember one day I said to him very vague and vulnerable that "you trap me....you fool me into a marriage"...he said with a grin " I´m not fooling you".

A narcissists saying he cannot be affectionate with a any woman, saying its not me but him, is in fact true, as narcissists cannot be close to any woman. I find it surprising an abuser admits to his disorder, about this.

Abusers usually DO NOT leave their victims. They cling to their victims when they think the victim will leave because of the abuse. But an abuser out for visa can sure be leaving you. I think my husband threw out he wanted divorce as "abusers imagine rejection and reject first to get it over with", abusers are actually afraid of abandonment themselves so when he thought we wouldnt have any chance, plus me being critical what would he then do,abusers have low tolerance for critic , so he might have rejected me days after to get it over with. I do know abusers drops you like a hot potato if they have no need for you anymore, so this is a reason too.

An abuser who might be out for visa and only the visa, why would he want children??? of course he doesnt.

An abuser not out for visa only, but out for me too, yes a narcissist hate children, but if victim tries to leave an abuser the abusers are known for trying to pregnant the woman so she wont leave.

I do not know and I cannot know whats in his mind for real because they change their minds in seconds after whats suits them there and then.

About him being abusive I have wrote in an earlier post "I am in shock".

It describes his abuse very well. And there is no doubt he was emotionally abusive. But ok, I read about narcissism and how they speak in contradicton, like my husband has done, saying "he didnt feel very very much for me next day when I said he´d just had to divorce he said he did love me. As abusers are afraid of abandonment at same time being abusive he might have got panic, writing to me next day "the honest words I can say it to you now, I love you". And narcissists are knows for speaking about themselves in third person. My husband has done this twice. First time he asked me "is it easy to divorce (his name)?

And not to forget how he in the beginning of the relationship talked about his beauty spot, how beautiful it was, and when I see his eyes he was sure I would like him. Just like Enrique Iglesias. And how the swedish princess had to be beautiful because she was a princess, that was the reason. And that I was more beautiful of course because I was his wife. And his brother had to handsome because not everybody could be a pilot. And next day about the many languages ( 7 of them) King Hussein could speak. Narcissists are busy with beauty and fame.

And not to forget how he reacted when I had heard enough about this, then he said " I guess only men wants to be famous, but "I" do not want". Its ridiculous, there are lots of famous women. Dr.Sam Vaknin said his reactions amount to a psychological defense mechanism called" cognitive dissonance", as Sam read the whole conversation between me and my husband.

I read further about narcissism, to note : that a person can act irrationally under emotional stress ( for example our situation is stressful) without being an abuser, ok lets say that my husband acted irrationally, fine, but that can never explain his threats about a marriage without affection and no kids. That is absolutely abusive.

That he threatened me with not ever say to him I want kids is what makes me suspicious the most, we planned to have kids before we married, he broke the deal and put me in a dilemma, forget any kids or lose him. When I said I didnt know did I want kids or not he drove right over me, him having the last word, he totally ignored me and didnt care I was agree or not. I only sat left with silence till he said we finish this subject now and that was it.

I have an opinion that he might not be able to treat me good, so if he shows to be cold and detached emotionally I hope I can leave him later and before he get permanent stay, this will make me both see can he be loving and I can divorce knowing the fact he cant love me, or anyone, as abusers doesnt bond emotionally with anyone. I want to know for sure and not regret not knowing how it could be.

But I start dread going down, I will go down but I am extremely nervous because I cannot draw any closer to him unless he does. I will probably be very tense while he may be the same. The though of soon seeing him again makes me feeling bad because I know he has abused me, and he knows himself too, as abusers do know what they do. They know exactly what they do. No wonder why he asked me "will you be happy to see me". He knew I felt bad as he knew he had abused me.

I guess this is why he two days ago wanted me to say to him first would I come see him as I said maybe it was better I did go to Amman instead as I said to him he had said so many times me not to come. He probably knew he had abused me and feared me knowing this.

For me personally, its better to know for sure than to never know how things could be. I know I would regret the rest of my life. And I would go wondering the rest of my life. I think most people would do if not knowing, specially when its someone they love. Like one said here, to lose someone in divorce, someone you love, its like a death. And to not know could you be able to keep that person is a very haunting thought. Because what if you did, you didnt have to suffer the loss. I need to know, its my nature. As a scorpio I usually never give up until its the finally end.

I do feel very tired though, very mentally tired, it is draining me, my energy is low and I am not the same as before he abused me. He did create damage, very much. If he can love me it might be ok again, but if not I will try to leave him, as I then will know for sure he cant love me, and I will know for sure I cannot be happy with him.

I do know, like Allan say, that it doesnt help try analyzing his head as what matter is he has been abusive. I am just hoping maybe he could change, that it was a one time incident. I know I probably fool myself.

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I am so sorry your hurting.. trust me I know how draining it is.

Thing is it doesn't matter how he is or if he will change right now.. I know it sounds silly.. but look at how you feel.. what it is doing to you.

That is what matters and all that matters right now.

This was what started me down the path that caused my total break up.

I thought even if the person I cared for at the time was good, did change..

could I ever trust again.. would I myself be stable enough have what it takes to make it through. I didn't like the answer in my heart. It was making me emotionally unstable causing deep wounds that will leave scars that won't totally heal. At the end it no longer had anything to do with her or her actions it had to do with me and my actions. I knew my personal mental health was not strong enough to handle or want to handle a relationship of any type with her even if over time she did one day go back to the woman I loved... I knew in my heart I could never trust her enough again to relax and just enjoy the relationship. That my doubts and issues were starting to cause just as much problems (not more or less) but I couldn't change how I felt in my heart. I added it all up. Not being able for either of us to see each other for years, my doubts and lack of trust, her abuse and wild ways, her ignoring me half of the time. It was too much. The breaking point came when her sister who became a close friend said my friendship was causing friction in her marriage. The pressure built up too much and I let it out and ended things. Wasn't exactly how I wanted to end things blowing up like I did ranting and emotional without making good points or saying what was truly hurting me, but it is how it had to end I guess.

I let it go on too much, too long ignoring what everyone even people in here was telling me because I didn't want to lose the dream I had in my heart (because I didn't want to face the reality that I was already living of being alone, of so many things).

By doing so I caused extra emotional damage to myself. And it is my fault.

Can you trust him again, love him again even if he did change?

Tough questions that you must ask yourself. Right now it is more what you feel and want.

If you want to keep trying you have to learn to trust him again, if you don't you have to learn to let go.

Neither choice is easy. I had to have the choice practically forced on to me.

I am so sorry you are going down this path.. it was so painful for me the back and forth your heart being split. It is draining.

Please above all spend time with your friends and take care of yourself.

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Allan and Random,

I am afraid he will be angry tonight because I cant work this case as fast as he wants it. He always gets annoyed and think I can fix things very fast, he has no patience. Its not my fault I didnt have the right income last year and this year, its not my fault I didnt have a real paid job when we married. And the immigration office (UDI) told me today what I was afraid of, things I knew would be problems for the case. So tonight I have to tell him if I go get a job we have to wait 16 months for him to come here as they look at the last years tax assessment or I can tell him we have to wait till I get permanent money from the state. With the money from the state the UDI will not look or care about the last tax assessment.

The work office are not sure yet do I get these money, but I will back to the work office in two weeks. If I get these money it will be much easier for us as there wont be problem waiting so long. I am scared to tell him I wont go get work as planned as if I get the other money it will take shorter time. I know it can take up to 6 months to get these money, if I do get them at all, so it puts me in a dilemma, find work now and wait 16 months or wait for the state money and wait maybe a year. He will blow off, I am sure.

But I am just a person. I do my best to make it. Its bad if I have to start serving him white lies so he wont be angry that much. But I see no other way.

A good thing about the state money is that my husband can get money too if he cannot support himself.

I am thinking maybe he wont be so angry if I lie saying it will take shorter time getting the state money ( not saying to him when or will I get them, because I do think I can claim the right for these money as I read so. I do have rights. And when he can get money too I hope he wont be so angry.

It gives me much anxiety not knowing will he angry or not, I cannot know how he will react, when I cant give him good news he gets annoyed, in between he supports me and say ok and calm down, but that is only when there is half good news. I wish he was more tolerant and patient. Its not easy when I am not healthy in the first place to work full time and struggles with anxiety and being depressed at times, specially when he is like he is. He doesnt know I struggle and I wont tell him as he might think something wrong or use it against me. And he probably wont care to understand anyway.

Going to cam when I have bad news is worse than going to an exam you dread.

And you know, that threat to end the marriage and stuff is actually silly of him as he had to wait much longer time to start over again with new woman who has the money ready. Even she had the money ready he has to find the women first, I doubt he will find a woman to marry as soon as he divorce me and put himself in front of the computer, and should he use more money on new wedding dress and ring. And what should he tell his parents, he hasnt told them anything about us about how he behave and what he is thinking and he probably wouldnt be comfortable with telling them a new woman has to come to their home and start the whole process over again. I doubt it. So I guess he wont say that one more time he´ll divorce. I think he acted irrationally in anger and some panic even he might meant his words there and then, of course he wanted divorce if I didnt have the money ever, but what a silly reaction. If he does that one more time then he can go and with my pleasure.

Well, he txt me saying he was not well today. So I can relax little,but thursday will come when I have to tell him.

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