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the river below


harp
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I'm slowly losing my fear of being forced into a psych ward...I'd like to believe I've totally lost the fear but if the police and/or paramedics showed up at my house right now and told me that they've found out I'm planning to commit suicide and they're going to take me to a psych ward, I know I'd practically have a heart attack. Earlier while I was in the bath I was practicing holding my head under water, I dipped my head under the water for about a second then I shot my head back up again, it was so painful for just one second...I inhaled the water which was very painful and being trapped under water was making me very claustrophobic. It's a shame the only way I can free myself of being trapped in a life full of humiliation, brainwashing, and imprisonment and start over again must be so painful. I've been keeping this a secret for so long in fear of being locked up in a psych ward against my will when just recently I decided "aw, fuck it" because I'm trapped in a dreamlike, surreal state where nothing ever feels wholeheartedly real and it's been like this for the past several years I know the only way to escape this is to stop letting fear dominate me. I desperately need someone who'll understand me and allow me to feel less stressed all the time to talk to about this.

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Why is the only way out of "a life full of humiliation, brainwashing, and imprisonment" death? Since you clearly believe that there are lives that aren't like that, why not work towards transforming yours?

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Why is the only way out of "a life full of humiliation, brainwashing, and imprisonment" death? Since you clearly believe that there are lives that aren't like that, why not work towards transforming yours?

Maybe I shouldv'e rephrased that. I didn't mean a way out of "a life full of humiliation, brainwashing and imprisonment" but "a life with years stolen from it due to humiliation, brainwashing and imprisonment"

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All of us have suffered, harp. It's not like a video game, where you can keep getting do-overs until you can run through it perfectly.

To me, suicide seems like robbing yourself of the remainder of your years. I would wonder instead what you can do to stop being robbed of your years, from now on.

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How are you today?

I don't know what's with me but i do hope. I keep going because i make myself hope.

I hope for you and i would like to hear from you a bit more.

I desperately need someone who'll understand me and allow me to feel less stressed all the time to talk to about this.

Do you have a therapist? Do you talk with family or friends?

Harp, we do hold lots of stigma re mental health and sometimes that can be so maddening as the madness itself. A psychiatric ward is just a ward in a hospital. I was not hospitalized (yet) but many other people in this forum have.

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How are you today?

I don't know what's with me but i do hope. I keep going because i make myself hope.

I hope for you and i would like to hear from you a bit more.

Do you have a therapist? Do you talk with family or friends?

Harp, we do hold lots of stigma re mental health and sometimes that can be so maddening as the madness itself. A psychiatric ward is just a ward in a hospital. I was not hospitalized (yet) but many other people in this forum have.

I have a therapist but hell no am I going to tell her about what I think about 24/7. I'll get locked up in a psych ward if I do. I have no friends and no family members I trust and like to talk to. Yes, a psych ward is just a ward in a hospital, but I'll be locked in with no freedom if I ever get admitted there, and most importantly, no freedom to kill myself, and that's enough to place me in extreme stress.
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I do understand that fear of telling other how monstrous we can be. I too had to wait about 4 years until i told my therapist what i thought of 24/7. Or better what my first reaction was.

It took me many years and a great deal of hard work to be able to let go of the fear of my own monstrous self that i wanted to hide in the deep deep down and never ever see it again. I think that part of my fear what not being completely aware of what was fantasy and what was reality. I didn't know if my murderous fantasies would become reality and that was the most frightened.

After nearly 10 years of therapy i am ready to explore that psychopath in me and to talk more or less openly about it. But it was hard, hard work.

But guess what? Despite my predictions he hasn't left me. I still feel that he cares for me. One day i asked him: are you afraid of me? - and he answered: "no, i am afraid for you".

I am wondering if you too are now afraid of your monster self and what it can happen if someone knows about it and about it's most vicious and sadistic whims?

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I'm sorry harp i misunderstood you. I was reading an expression wrongly and that led me to think something completely different.

I have never been hospitalized but i can imagine it to be a scary prospect. I think that Linda gave a great suggestion: to look for the team and hospital or clinic you chose rather than being in a position of complete helplessness.

When i was afraid i had to be hospitalized i too looked for some clinics where i would ask for support if i felt i needed it. I also had contacts of therapeutic communities, which don't exert the control psychiatric hospitals do.

But i think that this can be discussed with your therapist and perhaps s/he can support you find what best suits your interests. You seem to think that s/he would just call the ambulance without discussing it with you?

Edited by Sherzade
misunderstanding of an english expression
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That sounds great Linda. I don't know if some countries in Europe have WRAPS. I know that staff looks to work in partnership with the patient as much as possible, but as you described when one is in a crisis that becomes a more complex process.

And i agree that it is a relief for others to have a document that helps them help you/us. Many times people are as well confused and don't know how to help.

Good for you Linda. I hope more people know about WRAP and start using it. That will certainly do the whole experience more human and less humiliating.

Do let me/us know how the conference about WRAP went. I will look into it online.

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I was originally planning to commit suicide by jumping off a bridge, but I gave up on that. I've tried to prepare for it by sticking my head under water in baths and it's horrible. I can't help but breathe in water which is very painful and being submerged in water makes me feel very claustrophobic and trapped. So now I'm left hanging...I have no idea how to off myself now, or how to get devices to do it or where I can do it...I can't begin to describe who abandoned, alone, confused and imprisoned that makes me feel... I wouldn't tell anyone about my plans for the longest time in fear that I'd be locked up I a psych ward against my will because of it, but just a few days ago I thought "why bother? You've already had so much of your life stolen from you, have no freedom from fear, and have lost your dignity, so why stress yourself out by bottling up so many things to try to protect your freedom when really, you have no freedom?" It's a shame because when I look in the mirror I see this beautiful person who's totally capable of leading a self-fulfilling life but I know to be free of being attached to a life apeasant full of imprisonment, humiliation and brainwashing I must leave this body which appears perfectly fine despite that I so desperately don't want to let gø of it.

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Harp you are obviously in great pain at the moment and suicide seems to be the only way out.

I thought "why bother? You've already had so much of your life stolen from you, have no freedom from fear, and have lost your dignity, so why stress yourself out by bottling up so many things to try to protect your freedom when really, you have no freedom?"

Is there any chance you can be aware of the pain and the wish to end the pain, but see it as something that can change through your engagement in therapy and commitment to yourself? Many of that pain can be transformed. You can transform your tolerance to it and build something nice to yourself.

It's a shame because when I look in the mirror I see this beautiful person who's totally capable of leading a self-fulfilling life

Your body is not separate from you. It's you. You are beautiful and you deserve to give yourself a chance. 2 chances, 3 chances, 4 chances... all the chances.

What would help free yourself?

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Being aware and transforming the pain, and going to therapy won't get me anywhere close to my goal, which is to erase being trapped in a life in which I've had several years stolen from me. Of course my body is not me...it's just something I wear all the time.

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Your're right. It won't erase the memory of the years that were stolen from you. Those years are gone and they obviously left a deep and unbearable pain. You must have suffered a lot :D

How is your life now? What changed?

Not much, other than a few years ago I wasn't planning to kill myself but now I am. When I was holding my head under water I was thinking, I can't bear this pain, but maybe this is because I'm not used to it. I mean, before I went through all this trauma and imprisonment I bet I couldn't imagine having to experience it, but I have. I know that committing suicide, no matter how painful it is, will be worth the gift I get in the end, but the thought just leaves me in a panicked state. If I can't stand to have my whole body in water for not even a second, how do I expect myself to jump off a bridge?

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Perhaps you don't have to jump from a bridge or hang yourself.

There is something that happened to you that seemed to have changed your life completely. You haven't mentioned what happened that has left you so desperate.

Many people in this forum had traumatic experiences and struggle, like you do with the memories of it. I to suffer with the memories of traumas and with all that has been robbed from me. I think i am at the point of accepting that i am this scared woman and that despite of what i expected from therapy, i will never forget. I am me with my memories and me with my present experiences and the other ones to come. But as you say, the memories will always be part of me. I will always remember. And that sucks. But that's how it is.

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I can't talk about what I've been through that has made me like this...I'm too ashamed of it and if I did try to talk about it I start to feel confused and can't put words together, like my mind becomes foggy and I can't see what I'm think about clearly.

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That's ok harp. Shame is a very paralysing feeling. Just remember that we are all humans and many people here went through really hard stuff. You can look for some threads that may relate to your experience and perhaps help you be more gentle with yourself.

Whatever you did or whatever was done to you, you deserve to try to forgive yourself. But one step at a time.

What comforts you?

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Feeling connected with someone. I was originally planning to kill myself a couple months ago but since then I've been postponing it, first I decided to postpone it because I was tired, then the following times I did it because I was scared to. I've been wondering why I can't seem to build up the courage to do it, and now I'm thinking of the near death experiences I've read in the past and in most of them the humans wrote that they were confronted by an entity telling them it's not their time yet and their purpose in life has not been fulfilled. It made me think "maybe my purpose in life is to live and act in my life free of fear (I'm having a hard time finding the words to describe what I'm thinking here)" then I'll be free to die.

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