Athena Posted March 13, 2011 Report Share Posted March 13, 2011 Harp, i hope you managed to get some sleep last night. How are you doing? I believe you started this thread because you wanted our help. Let us help you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lindamomof7 Posted March 13, 2011 Report Share Posted March 13, 2011 ............. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sherzade Posted March 13, 2011 Report Share Posted March 13, 2011 Linda, what kind of therapy did you do before and what do you think is the main difference between that and what you do now? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lindamomof7 Posted March 13, 2011 Report Share Posted March 13, 2011 ...................... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
harp Posted March 13, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 13, 2011 Hi harp, how are you today?I feel like shit today. I have a cold and my nose is stuffed up. I was planning to drown myself again today but changed my mind because of the cold. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sherzade Posted March 13, 2011 Report Share Posted March 13, 2011 Oh not nice at all harp. But if the cold helped you stop from drowning, i hope you keep on having that cold I'm sorry harp but i don't want you to drown. I want you to stay with us and tell us about you.Yesterday i came across a thread about shame. I can't find it now but if i do i'll post it to you. You may find some things useful.I hope you recover from your cold. Well... or maybe not Take good care of you. Be gentle with yourself. XXX Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
harp Posted March 13, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 13, 2011 Oh not nice at all harp. But if the cold helped you stop from drowning, i hope you keep on having that cold I'm sorry harp but i don't want you to drown. I want you to stay with us and tell us about you.Yesterday i came across a thread about shame. I can't find it now but if i do i'll post it to you. You may find some things useful.I hope you recover from your cold. Well... or maybe not Take good care of you. Be gentle with yourself. XXXYes...but I'm going to tell a volunteer at a crisis centre about my suicidal thoughts tonight and I've been told if they think someone's life will end unless the call the police they'll do it, so I might end up in a psych ward tonight, and that means even if I don't drown I can't stay with you because I can't go on here if I'm in a psych ward. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sherzade Posted March 14, 2011 Report Share Posted March 14, 2011 Harp, if you go to a psych ward you will not be there forever. We will be here waiting for you. I know how dreadful it is for you the thought of going to a psych ward. But you know harp i really don't want you to die. And perhaps you also do not want to die. You just don't want to live with the pain that feels to be unbearable. Maybe there is something that can be done. I so wish you to think about other alternatives. But one step at a time.Let me know how did the conversation with the volunteer at the crisis centre go.Be gentle with yourself. XXX Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
harp Posted March 14, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 14, 2011 I've been trying to get in the chat line and so far I haven't been able to speak to a volunteer because ever time I've tried it was busy...this is NOT good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Athena Posted March 14, 2011 Report Share Posted March 14, 2011 Harp,I wish you the best tonight. Know that whatever the result, people are actually trying to help you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
malign Posted March 14, 2011 Report Share Posted March 14, 2011 Harp,Do you believe that someone's life will end if the hotline doesn't call the police?I mean, I understand that you don't want to be locked into a ward. No one prefers that course, if they're sure they can stay safe any other way. However, as someone who once chose to be locked in, myself (I voluntarily committed myself for eight days, three years ago), when it came to choosing between being a danger to myself and being locked in, I knew which one _I_ had to do.So, the important question is, do you really want to harm yourself?If so, I doubt that you would be calling hotlines or visiting us.And if not, what would you suggest to help you without being locked in, temporarily? What would you be willing to try? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
harp Posted March 14, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 14, 2011 Maybe one day it will. By harming yourself, you mean killing yourself, right? Why do you think I wouldn't be calling hotlines and talking about this on Internet forums if I didn't really want to kill myself? It's actually the opposite, I started talking about this on chat lines because I was planning to kill myself but never followed through with it because I was too scared so I started talking about it to try to find out why. I tried to rid myself of my fear of being forced into a psych ward by telling someone else about my plans to commit suicide last night but it didn't work. I was still too afraid to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sherzade Posted March 14, 2011 Report Share Posted March 14, 2011 Hello harp. May i ask you, how long have you been having your suicide thoughts? It seems to me that malign is trying to help you to think. In fact you do talk a lot about suicide but you seem to ignore any other alternative that others with similar experiences offer to you. Malign asked a very interesting question: what would you be willing to try without being locked in a psych ward?I know that it helps you to be connected with people and perhaps that's why you come to this forum and call the hotline. To be connected. So let me ask you as a way of connecting, do you like the sound of the harp? I am listening a lot to harp since we started communicating Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
malign Posted March 14, 2011 Report Share Posted March 14, 2011 Remember, I've been there: a person who really wants to be dead is dead.A person who waits, for whatever reason, wants a solution to their problems, and all they've been able to think of so far is death.All I'm saying is that you haven't proven that there isn't a better solution, yet. Personally, I stuck around to find mine. I hope you will, too.And there's always time for a do-over, later, if you believe in those. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
harp Posted March 14, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 14, 2011 I have been having suicidal thoughts since about July or August, I can't remember specifically. I'm trying to feel free from the distress I've been under by talking about being suicidal, which says a lot. I never imagined I'd disclose things such as which methods of suicide I am thinking of using, and what in the past has caused me to have several years of my life stolen from me. Before I thought I'd be too afraid and/or embarrassed to tell anyone for the rest of my life.I actually don't like the harp that much, there are only about one or two songs with the harp in it I like. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
harp Posted March 14, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 14, 2011 What do you mean by do-over, malign? Do you mean what I think you do? (Reincarnation)You're right, I don't want to be dead. When you wrote dead, I thought actually not alive, like, not sentient anymore. While I still want to be sentient, I also desire to be free of being in a life in which I've been imprisoned brainwashed...I wish I could go into deeper detail of what I've been through in the past which has caused me to lose several years of my life, but honestly it's so embarrassing and anxiety-provoking to describe it which makes it so difficult. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
malign Posted March 14, 2011 Report Share Posted March 14, 2011 I remember posts you've made in the past, where you talked as if dying was just another step towards coming back again. I just don't believe it works like that.What would it mean to you, to be "free" of a life where bad things have happened to you? Keep in mind, bad things (of different kinds) happen to most people; at least, most of the people I've met here. I'm not denying that bad things have happened to you; I'm just curious how dying would make them better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sherzade Posted March 14, 2011 Report Share Posted March 14, 2011 Hello. July/august approximately... i can imagine that you may be confused if you haven't had these thoughts before. I never imagined I'd disclose things such as which methods of suicide I am thinking of using, and what in the past has caused me to have several years of my life stolen from me. It's interesting though that you feel that you have disclosed certain things that seem to be quite difficult for you to talk about. We have been talking for some tine now but i feel completely lost as besides that you have suicidal thoughts i don't know anything else about you. You seem to think that your thoughts and feelings are very different from ours, but in fact, many of us went and still go through quite complex states. Like you. We are here for the same reasons harp and i/we would like to help you. Talking about which, i found the posts about shame i told you about. If you go to Abuse and Bullying on the forum you will find the title "shame" by notmary. Perhaps this will be helpful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
harp Posted March 14, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 14, 2011 It doesn't bother that "bad things" have happened to me but those "bad things" have caused me to lose several years of my life. I know everyone has suffered, but what I've been through and how it changed me was probably a lot worse than most of the people here. So how would dying change the suffering I've been through? If I went through suffering, and he life I'm in isn't mine anymore, it wouldn't affect me because my dignity wouldn't have been stripped from me because the life which I've lose would just be something of the past, like a bad dream, when you're in it, it seems as real as life but when you wake up, it fades and becomes blurry and unreal, I can't really describe it that well because I never have but I'm trying my best. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sherzade Posted March 14, 2011 Report Share Posted March 14, 2011 harp, what happened in your past? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
harp Posted March 15, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 15, 2011 I'm too embarrassed to describe it...especially somewhere where anyone can see... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lindamomof7 Posted March 15, 2011 Report Share Posted March 15, 2011 It's ok Harp. No need to explain if you dont want to. Please just remember we are here offering support and courage for you. But thats as much as we can do, the rest is up to you.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sherzade Posted March 15, 2011 Report Share Posted March 15, 2011 I felt quite liberated when i came to this site to ask for help. The fact that i am not identifiable made me feel so free. I felt that i could finally say whatever i liked without having to think: what are they going to think about me?Sorry harp, i din't mean to push you. You just seem to cling to the memories of a shameful past, as you describe it, and seem unable to process. How was your day? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
harp Posted March 15, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 15, 2011 I feel terrible today. I'm disappointed when I gø on here and see that there are no new replies to my topic. My cold's mostly went away. I wish I had someone I could PM because there's something I'm too afraid to post in the forums where anyone can see. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sherzade Posted March 15, 2011 Report Share Posted March 15, 2011 Hi harp. Sometimes the forum feels very quite. and sometimes people may not know how to help but they still read what you wrote. It's like if you are looking for an answer... or someone that doesn't come. It's interesting that on one hand you would like more answers to your topic but on the other hand you don't want to write in here because everyone can read it. I have the sensation that you are playing hide and seek and you are waiting anxiously for someone to find you. This reminds me of someone i really appreciate, D. Winnicott. He says:"It is a joy to be hidden, but a disaster not to be found." Does this resonate at all with you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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