I broke my phone

[sadgreeneyes]

My husband txt me "baby I´m sorry but I cant come online today because I am in a very bad mood so we will talk after tomorrow".

I got so disappointed, hurt and angry that I threw my phone in rage into the wall, now its broken. I didnt even txt him back before throwing it. I am so unfairly treated.

What is that, he´s so angry he cant come to the cam, will he blow up, would he like to hit me if he was here.

I am so alone. And before this happened I had suicide thoughts again. Was thinking its better not keeping any pills here if the doc should say I need some medicine for depression, I know it can be dangerous me having them here. Just see how it did go last time.

[sadgreeneyes]

Well, it wasnt broken. And he didnt say he was sorry he couldnt come to cam, he just said he couldnt.

I txt him a ok. He pisses me off when he makes me feel all alone. I am hurt.

[randomperson]

Try not to let him play with your emotions. As you have said it is mind games. Don't play the games, know he is who he is and find peace in who you are and your strong points.

[sadgreeneyes]

Thanks random, I know what he is doing, he is sulking and maybe he tries to make me feel guilty for his mood.

I know an abusers mood change sudden, things must go their way and on their premises, if not, the partner hasnt lived up to his unrealistic expectations.

I know he is sulking. He can sulk :cool:

[sadgreeneyes]

Lol. I must laugh a little of myself too today as I thought my phone was broken. I was so angry I didnt notice the battery was still on the floor, I found it under the bed while I was looking for another tiny part that belonged to the phone. And in the meantime ( over 2 hours ) I tried several times if the phone works, my goodness:D

I was so angry I didnt notice the battery, I guess my head was still boiling quite funny, just like the person who looks for his glasses everywhere when they are on his nose

[randomperson]

Not even that he is or is not an abuser, like it was not if my ex was or was not.. to this day I still do not know. Nor do I know if our break up was my fault or hers (likely both)

What I realized at this spot in my life and where you are our personalities clashed making both sides right and wrong. Their weak spots clash with our weak spots causing lots of pain. That is the only reality I know for sure, everything else can be swayed by perceptions and emotions.

It is not if it is abuse or not. It is the fact that what has happened can not be undone and who we are right now, who they are when combined with the situation makes it very difficult to heal and impossible to go back to the way things were. Too much has changed and none of us can change who we are over night.

I can tell we suffer from the same fears. Some of our friends on here are working on helping me through this and figuring it out. If I see anything that works I will share.

[sadgreeneyes]

What matters is it doesnt matter what they say or do as long as we have found out they are abusive. I do know mine is abusive and I know its not my fault. Even much of what happens, like you say, are coming from both and we get confused, there are always ways to see if a person is abusive. We know they are abusive when they show the signs written about abuse. We just chose to be in denial of what is going on because we hoped for their love to show.

I am not striving so much anymore, I know it isnt about me. I still love him and I just have a hope he would change back to the nice man he was before he suddenly changed. But I dont know will that happen.

I have difficulties leaving him. Not that I want to leave him, but dont want to be miserable either, I want to be happy and loved. It will probably be him who leaves me, if he does.

Its true what you say, whats done cannot be taken back, it is done. Nothing will ever change for the better if the other one continues the abuse. We cant change another person.

And thanks random, its nice if there will be something to share:)

[randomperson]

I hope there will be

I am ready for change. A fresh start on life.

I know we both had emotional abuse from our experiences I'm sure not making light of that.. it is not our fault.

[sadgreeneyes]

I´m glad that you are that strong and see the view of a fresh start:)

If things go down hill for me I hope I´ll see light in the tunnel in the end too. It will take at least a year or so to get him here, wish it wasnt so.

We do deserve someone who will love us the same much back. To know they always will be there.

A very true quote I read long time ago, I do not remember exactly the words and formulation, but it said something like that if the person didnt make any effort being in your life they didnt care/love you. I know I dont have the right words, but you know what I mean.

If we love someone we will do "anything" to have that person in our lives, by our side, no matter how much or what it would take. We do not play with the feelings of those we love and we do not leave or forget people we love.

Its not our fault, it never is.

[randomperson]

Hope things are better for you. I am stronger, learning growing. Please note we are close to the same, so know you can be again as well.

Still far from perfect. I still miss her somedays.

I still know I made the only choice possible. When you invest so much of who you are in someone, so much of your heart it is hard to let go.. you are right.

Sometimes it is for the best regardless how difficult it may be.

Found out on my good days I can attract women, was happy about that because I had major self doubts.

[sadgreeneyes]

Hi random, thank you its going a little bit better, I have been at the doctor and up at the hospital and talked about my problems, they were worried about me concerning the suicide thoughts, so they will give me a psychologist and find out what help I need as they do know I need help for my childhood and my ptsd too, finally someone really knows so that makes me feel somewhat at ease, and if my husband should turn out bad I am in the help system.

My husband was suddenly totally calm last time I talked with him, I had been sitting all day drinking to calm down my nerves and crying, was so scared what next, so I was so surprised as he seemed to be at peace with the waiting time, I was so relived, but still the anxiety he has given me do not go away, I still have a stone in my chest when I know I will talk with him later in the day. I still have that fight or flight feeling. He did create much damage. But still I want him with me. I just hope that everything will go my way so I can be with him here.

I am very anxious going down to see him, do not know what to expect, but either way it will be for the worse or better. I hope at least I will feel better and not worse.

No matter what happen it will happen "something", I guess I just have to live through this the best way I can and hope for positive outcome. I am glad I have gotten help at least, but I´m so depressed, I do not know how my future will be, I cannot see my future in long term over time, just have to go day by day and hope for the best.

[sadgreeneyes]

And about attracting the opposite sex, when we are very lonely and in pain we have little hope, we feel we will never ever love again, so when there comes a day and we suddenly one day see "oh it looked like that person liked me or the opposite sex even say they like you, to know that we can attract the other sex, it gives us a boost, specially if we like the person back it can sometimes makes us feel better about ourselves, even have a glimpse of hope, hope for finding love again, even it is a short moment we feel this. But this short moment shows us that there is always new chances. Its just that we have to heal the pain and be able to start new.

Just that we must make sure they are worthy of us. To never let anyone use us. Be sure to protect ourselves much more before giving our hearts to someone. That can be very difficult as some people attach very quickly ( I am one of them), so if we can try to not attach so quickly and give our hearts so quickly it would be of much help as we can get to know and see what lives in the heart and mind of the other person.

I have failed too many times,but I know its not my fault, many people think victims chose abusers, but that isnt true, the abuser portraits a false character and fool people, hook them in and then its too late, and abusers know how to spot their victims. So if we get to know them first, like at least two months or so, we will quickly see something is wrong, I think. We just need to pay attention to the warning signs and not ignore them.

[randomperson]

And about attracting the opposite sex, when we are very lonely and in pain we have little hope, we feel we will never ever love again, so when there comes a day and we suddenly one day see "oh it looked like that person liked me or the opposite sex even say they like you, to know that we can attract the other sex, it gives us a boost, specially if we like the person back it can sometimes makes us feel better about ourselves, even have a glimpse of hope, hope for finding love again, even it is a short moment we feel this. But this short moment shows us that there is always new chances. Its just that we have to heal the pain and be able to start new.

Just that we must make sure they are worthy of us. To never let anyone use us. Be sure to protect ourselves much more before giving our hearts to someone. That can be very difficult as some people attach very quickly ( I am one of them), so if we can try to not attach so quickly and give our hearts so quickly it would be of much help as we can get to know and see what lives in the heart and mind of the other person.

I have failed too many times,but I know its not my fault, many people think victims chose abusers, but that isnt true, the abuser portraits a false character and fool people, hook them in and then its too late, and abusers know how to spot their victims. So if we get to know them first, like at least two months or so, we will quickly see something is wrong, I think. We just need to pay attention to the warning signs and not ignore them.

Very nice post. Let me know what works for you as it might help me as well.

I dislike struggling to control my thoughts so much, and I do not believe it is normal. If money wasn't an issue I would see a therapist myself.

I can't help but to think was it my fault that we broke up, that even our friendship ended. No matter how many times I try to put it out of my mind and focus on the positive it keeps popping back.

I have been thinking of her father a lot. He was always there for me.. we spoke almost everyday for hours. I thought how I blew up with him did the same as I did this time. Have I really changed improved any or am I fooling myself? I thought how I regret leaving him as he found he had cancer and I had no clue, still absorbed in my issues. The thoughts have crossed my mind did I make a mistake by breaking it off. But as I am I do not think I am strong enough to handle the stress she was putting me through and carry on a productive life... be it my fault, hers or both of us. This week thinking so much of her father I find myself missing them still. First time in almost two months I want to reach out, but I know I shouldn't and likely would be ignored anyway. The break up was done on purpose on my part like this so I couldn't go back.. because I knew I likely would hits spots where I would want to.

Maybe it is really missing him and seeing part of him in who they are.. not sure.

I think you are taking a better road than me I hope you find peace and happiness!

[sadgreeneyes]

I know the feeling of missing someone wondering did you do the right, but its for certain you did the right as long as she didnt meet you on the halfway to work with you to make it work. No one should be having to wait and if they wait I mean there is a limit how long. I´m glad you liked the post and will again share if I have some good things to write:)

My husband seems to be his old self, I said I was nervous of him and he didnt understand why, which is surprising me after the roller coaster he gave me. Saying we didnt need to think or talk about being nervous as it all would come normal. Saying it was up to the other person whether she/he would be nervous or not. I found it odd to say when he was the one making me that nervous. But he did make me relax at least saying we didnt need to think about that.

Still it seems like he´s not aware of the damage he did. I also take that as a warning he wont later either if he should give a new roller coaster.

Further he did understand when I said why I was nervous, but only when I told him why, I have a feeling he just give an easy answer and not really understand, as if he did he would already know why I was nervous. Like he has never said oh my how could I act like I did and say those things to you. No, he just said the other day he knew I would ask what is going on in his mind, but he didnt want to talk about it. I didnt ask more or he´d be annoyed again maybe.

But I do at least relax again a little, I am also feeling that my love for him can come back, I just hope I wont be thrown off balance this way again, waiting for him to throw a new "divorce" out of the blue if things doesnt happen as fast as he wants it too. I have to walk on eggshells because of that so no wonder why I couldnt/cannot relax quite.

But right now it seems to be like before. Hoping it will stay that way.

[randomperson]

Wishing you the best on this. Be at peace within yourself regardless of what he does one way or another

[sadgreeneyes]

Thank you random:) I try think if he comes with divorce again or show some odd behavior about some stuff there is certainly something wrong with him.

Best wishes to you too by the way:)