Very very Long post. Extreme mental and health problems.

[ShieldofOdin]

I am Taylor. I'm from the United Kingdom and I'm not sure I can even begin to illustrate the problems I have had in my life. One thing I want to make certain is that I do not wish to sound like a typical "troubled teenager"

Bodily problems :

I have Small Penis Syndrome (I am about to post on that sub-forum after I finish this post) My Penis, flaccid, is around half the size of a pinky finger, erect is around 2 inches or more. This is one of the things that adds to my social incapability.

I have a deformation on my tail bone. Normal people, I think, have skin that goes over the bone and its generally quite well hidden but I have this strange lump (2 lumps to be exact) of pink flesh and bone that sticks out at the tail bone area. This makes it hard to sit. No sex life, so that doesn't matter.

Social :

To say the least, the only word I can think of to describe my situation in the social world is "Misanthropist", or even "non- conformist" (Although that label has been constantly butchered by popular culture.)

I have never talked to a girl, never touched a girl.

I have a strong desire to have sex, and since this is a mental help forum I shouldn't be shun down for saying that I often fantasize about rape.

There is one situation involving my younger cousin. Police where involved.

You know how it goes, guys. Misanthropy + No social life + Nerd = rape or murder, right?

I have never had a friend. Truth be told the only friend I've ever had is my twin, who I am thankful to basically be me, but in a different body, if you understand what I mean. We share 100% of the same mind and there is actually a physic link there somewhere as well, so I'm glad I have him.

Let me break it down to a simple level. I am what you would call a "nerd". Now when I say nerd, you probably understand what I mean. I indulge in fantasy novels, games, movies and I even role-play.

The other day I had a make-shift robe on with my brother and we role-played part of our made up lore for out own fantasy universe.

I would be ultimately happy to play a D&D campaign in a dark room with my brother.

I have anger management issues. I punched a hole in my wall because of something that happened in a game. This is because I have never hit anyone in real life. I do not want to waste energy on brainless sheep.

Maybe I can make it clearer by saying I hate all stereotypes. I hate posers, I hate attention seekers and whiny teenagers who THINK they have problems.

I do not partake in any of those religions but I do believe in a pantheon of higher powers. Polytheism. I just don't make a religion about it.

You know how most people say they are alone and sad inside? Well I have complete and utter contempt for people like that. I have respect for people with actual disorders.

I hate people who say stuff like "My boyfriend broke up with me and I can't take the pain away" I hate them because they have what I call "first world problems" They think they are depressed. Some people have never even talked to another human before without wanting them to go away.

Unexplainable tiredness/cold/shivers -------

Yes, I have never even begun, until now, to search for this problem as I assumed no one has it.

It's really hard to explain because people will just say "wear more clothes"

but my retort to this is the situation I was in in college :

Someone said 'Why is it so warm in here?'

and knowing of this (I'm not even sure what to call it) I touched my arm with my hand and I was freezing. Wearing more than most people.

I've had it for as long as I can remember. I get constant waves of goosebumps all over me and I'd say they caused, well, not so much pain but annoyance as I can feel them.

Again, this is so hard to describe.

I just noticed, even in a warm room...when I rub my back I get goosebumps.

I can't even really give examples of this because it's been around for so long....

Does ANYONE have even the most vague idea of what this could be?

Conclusion-----

Let me tell you one thing: I do not feel sad. I do not feel weak. I do not cut myself. I laugh at conformists and even non- conformists. I am beyond non-conformity in a strange way. What gives me strength is believing I am the fantasy 'Dark Elf' that I play in games. I am really into mythology and I have a poster of a Nordic Viking warrior on my wall, a symbolism of strength.

[khepri]

The first thing I have to ask is do you have stairs in your house? Because you seem like that sort of person.

I have no idea what your problem could be. Schizophrenia? Depression with psychotic features? Aspergers? Shit, I'm not a doctor, but there are a few people with degrees on here who might be able to point you in the right direction.

About your dick: I wouldn't worry about it. You're still young, right? Your dick could keep growing as you get older. Some guys don't stop growing until they're in their 20's. Regardless, it's a human body, it's awesome. Don't assume that everyone is so mundane and boring that they base their relationships entirely on their partner's sex organ. I know I don't.

If I were you, I'd hit up a psychologist, take the MMPI and shit, and then I'd check myself into a mental hospital and undergo forcible brainwashing and doping, because you're a sexually violent guy by your own admission. The mental hospital isn't fun -- in fact, if you're not hurting anyone, it's morally reprehensible. If you're feeling like you want to rape people, however, and if you have acted on these feelings, it is the only ethical choice you have besides doping yourself into harmlessness or finding some other way to work it out, like lots of sex maybe idk.

Fair warning: If you go to a mental hospital, they will likely physically abuse you. An alternative might be drugs strong enough to turn you into a drooling emotional gelding. Again, I'm not a doctor, but I've been living in the system for decades. I was totally harmless, so I'm horrified at the thought of what they might do to you.

If you feel like you could be violent due to your mental condition, you must do everything you can to prevent it. You might want to try going to a bordello or a bathhouse, or hiring an escort for the night. You might just need to relieve some sexual tension.

Concerning bitches with First World Problems: Fuck them. That goes for any white, christian, moneyed, heterosexual, sane male in the US. Their problems are the problems of lapdogs, and they totally deny their privilege in the faces of people who are violently oppressed in their own country. Fuck them. So yeah, you aren't crazy there, you're just as horrified and angry as any truly sane person would be.

Your religious views are fine. They're better than fine, in fact. Some people in the industry might call you delusional for not adhering to an institutionalized religion, but those people can suck my dick. The difference between your religious beliefs and an institutionalized religion is that no one is controlling you.

Hot/cold shit: You might be having tactile hallucinations or something. Again, I'm no doctor, so it could be low blood pressure or any number of things, I don't know.

All in all, I'd definitely see a psychologist if I were you. Your violent sexual urges sound like the only real problem. I'd definitely get a hooker or go to a sex club or something if I were you to relieve some of that tension. Make it known that you're a virgin and you might get some kind of special treatment. You sound like a chill guy, regardless. I'm just worried about the rape stuff.

[ShieldofOdin]

The first thing I have to ask is do you have stairs in your house? Because you seem like that sort of person.

I have no idea what your problem could be. Schizophrenia? Depression with psychotic features? Aspergers? Shit, I'm not a doctor, but there are a few people with degrees on here who might be able to point you in the right direction.

About your dick: I wouldn't worry about it. You're still young, right? Your dick could keep growing as you get older. Some guys don't stop growing until they're in their 20's. Regardless, it's a human body, it's awesome. Don't assume that everyone is so mundane and boring that they base their relationships entirely on their partner's sex organ. I know I don't.

If I were you, I'd hit up a psychologist, take the MMPI and shit, and then I'd check myself into a mental hospital and undergo forcible brainwashing and doping, because you're a sexually violent guy by your own admission. The mental hospital isn't fun -- in fact, if you're not hurting anyone, it's morally reprehensible. If you're feeling like you want to rape people, however, and if you have acted on these feelings, it is the only ethical choice you have besides doping yourself into harmlessness or finding some other way to work it out, like lots of sex maybe idk.

Fair warning: If you go to a mental hospital, they will likely physically abuse you. An alternative might be drugs strong enough to turn you into a drooling emotional gelding. Again, I'm not a doctor, but I've been living in the system for decades. I was totally harmless, so I'm horrified at the thought of what they might do to you.

If you feel like you could be violent due to your mental condition, you must do everything you can to prevent it. You might want to try going to a bordello or a bathhouse, or hiring an escort for the night. You might just need to relieve some sexual tension.

Concerning bitches with First World Problems: Fuck them. That goes for any white, christian, moneyed, heterosexual, sane male in the US. Their problems are the problems of lapdogs, and they totally deny their privilege in the faces of people who are violently oppressed in their own country. Fuck them. So yeah, you aren't crazy there, you're just as horrified and angry as any truly sane person would be.

Your religious views are fine. They're better than fine, in fact. Some people in the industry might call you delusional for not adhering to an institutionalized religion, but those people can suck my dick. The difference between your religious beliefs and an institutionalized religion is that no one is controlling you.

Hot/cold shit: You might be having tactile hallucinations or something. Again, I'm no doctor, so it could be low blood pressure or any number of things, I don't know.

All in all, I'd definitely see a psychologist if I were you. Your violent sexual urges sound like the only real problem. I'd definitely get a hooker or go to a sex club or something if I were you to relieve some of that tension. Make it known that you're a virgin and you might get some kind of special treatment. You sound like a chill guy, regardless. I'm just worried about the rape stuff.

I must say, after reading your post, that I may have slightly made some of the sexual points too serious. Although, I will just say they are still serious to, well, the majority, I imagine but I did not RAPE my younger cousin, I can say that.

Anyway, I certainly appreciate the long post, Khepri, but I fear I have somewhat put to much emphasis, perhaps, on some things.

I'm not in need of going to a mental hospital. Let's put it that way.

I'll clear some stuff up now.

Some of that post was made about five months ago, I think. I just logged onto my account and pasted it again but with quite a bit of updated stuff there.

The problems there are still with me but I have moved on to college and I've definitely made more social improvements.

My life as it is. Yeah, when you read this it isn't much of an improvement.

Small penis, weird tale bone birth problem, misanthropy, frequent all nighters (insomnia?), cold problems that I can't explain and I still haven't met a girl.

I really could just sum it up by saying... I've only ever had one friend that wasn't my twin brother and he is vastly different from both of us. You know, it's probably just being an extreme recluse all of my life... layered with hate, misanthropy and tension.

There was this time where I wrote to this girl. An ignorant, self obsessed "christian" absorbed into the mainstream media like the rest of them. I, well, took it too far, mocking her.

I started saying stuff that she wouldn't understand. Words that she was incapable of understanding. I eventually started saying quite grotesque stuff. Turns out she knew how to screenshot and print. (Yes, I mock these people. Perhaps, rightfully so.) What I'm trying to say is that I have had no relief. Take, for example, the classic bullying thing in school, well, I have never once punched anyone. I'm not weak I just always thought that it was more trouble to me and that I could avoid their pathetic attempts to win over their friends by not doing anything.

More recently I've became aware that I'm extremely elitist in everything I do. I listen to music from the 80's. (If you are familiar with 80's heavy metal/trash and speed. I also listen to death metal with quite intelligent lyrics that is a clear contrast to mainstream music.) that kids today do not understand, being so into popular culture.

Have you ever watched the movie Rolemodels? There is a kid in there who plays someone who is a "nerd" and enjoys LARPING (Live action role playing) I guess if I was to try and articulate my life to you I'd have to say that is the closet match. Except I'm not so unattractive and well, sometimes I am actually quite outgoing with...the one friend I have.

Oh, I'd like to add that I have never once tried to commit suicide, My friend once said to me "Maybe you're just a stronger person than me". Yes, got me thinking.

An additional thing to add to my plethora of wonderful problems, recent and past.

All of my child hood I also had weird OCD things. I used to look around the 4 corners of my room, hold my breath for a couple of seconds and a whole lot of other weird stuff. I referred to it as a "god game" sounds like something crazy but I actually think it was because I was looking for a reason that I had to be doing that.

I take a very sarcastic approach to life, filled with scorn and contempt for all those around me who do not share even the smallest bit in common with me.

I'm rambling on. Oh and I'm writing this at 2:44 in the morning. *sigh*

[ShieldofOdin]

Any more help would be, well, it'd be helpful... as help tends to be.

[ShieldofOdin]

Please help?

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

Hello Shield,

it might be me, I'm not able to be very attentive at the moment, but I'm not sure I see what it is you ask for help with.

The cold feeling when others say it's warm can be a physiological thing about your temperature regulation. There's a few people who walk around in T-shirts when it's snowing, cause they never feel cold. Have you asked a doctor about this? Is there a possibility that it's connected to your other body issues somehow?

Then there's social issues and at the same time I get the impression you don't really like people much, so I'm not sure what you want to hear about this?

I don't think I'm much help. What do you think would help?

S.

[ShieldofOdin]

Hello Shield,

it might be me, I'm not able to be very attentive at the moment, but I'm not sure I see what it is you ask for help with.

The cold feeling when others say it's warm can be a physiological thing about your temperature regulation. There's a few people who walk around in T-shirts when it's snowing, cause they never feel cold. Have you asked a doctor about this? Is there a possibility that it's connected to your other body issues somehow?

Then there's social issues and at the same time I get the impression you don't really like people much, so I'm not sure what you want to hear about this?

I don't think I'm much help. What do you think would help?

S.

I read about something...the thyroid gland, I think. I read something like "strange sensitivity to heat" which I have as well.

I had hydrocephalus when I was a baby...that might be related?

I like people who are just generally decent and deserving of my time. I have respect for the older generation...not my own. I am aware that I hate all groups apart from those that are similar to me.

In high school the only two people in the school who wear similar to me were...well, two other twins. You can imagine how that must've been for the "cool kids" and their never ending quest to dominate their peers with crap teases and jokes at us.

In college I have met two other like minded individuals, metal heads, who are quite intellectual. Still, for some reason this does not cure my anger for the world.

It really does sound like a teenage angst story but it feels like there is something more.

I'll add some thoughts of my later. Need to look for a job.

Here are some, well, almost lyrics but mostly just my thoughts.

Primal Gateway Into Creation

Static minds fixed on the laws of the earth

Unwilling to change the values of the system

Mindless drones force fed to be as the idols of conformity

Blinded to the archaic ways as old as the old trees

Now use the gateway into life as it is carnal it is free

Free in the ways of the elders, the superior kind

Travel through this cold door into night where the stars are all alight

Come into the roots and be as the earth

Where the stench of the modern world no longer remains!

Behind you see the world that you escaped from

You see through the glass a world that is the slave to fear

Grey and cold is the civlization now left behind --

As you step into the plane of a higher kind

The gateway of ice now closes and your eyes adjust to the world

Reborn you are to the ancient spells

You feel alive in your senses yet clouded you were in that other place

The winter sun now rises and the air of the forest comes

A mountain lies before you, it's presence so mighty and ancient

Gaze at its summit and see the world as it was ment to be

No corruption now plagues this sacred home where you stand

You walk on the soil of the elder land!

Behind you see the world that you escaped from

You see through the glass a world that is the slave to fear

Grey and cold is the civlization now left behind --

As you step into the plane of a higher kind

[Guest ASchwartz]

Shield...

Just like Somethingorother, I am not clear about what you are asking or am I sure what your problems are. Can you clarify?

Allan

[ShieldofOdin]

I think I'd like to know how I can cope with these problems for the rest of my life?

I'm not quite sure why I'm really here, now, because this isn't so much of a "is there anyone like me? " because I know there isn't.

It's strange how I have all of these problems but I can't figure out why I really posted them.

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

You say your anger for the world wasn't cured by finding people who are like you. So maybe you want to find more people to relate to, but it's very difficult, because you're angry at most of them?

[randomperson]

One thing I have found from this forum people are more alike than you think.

Even in regards to the skin issue I knew someone in grade school with the same thing.

I am considered 'nerdish' myself. I enjoy gaming not into pop culture or sports.

Are you happy with your life?

[ShieldofOdin]

One thing I have found from this forum people are more alike than you think.

Even in regards to the skin issue I knew someone in grade school with the same thing.

I am considered 'nerdish' myself. I enjoy gaming not into pop culture or sports.

Are you happy with your life?

I'd say I'm happy with my life to an extent. I do not need anything special and I can live without a love or more friends.

I can't really add more because I'd have to give you my life story.

Sorry that I'm not much help here.