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on the edge, rage [triggering]


Darkness
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I'm full of rage and hatred.

I want to stop being a failure, but I think it's too late, I only have 10 weeks. 10 weeks to do nearly 5/6ths a year of work, and if I don't I'll be 20 and I can't have another year... I'll be forced into a G.E.D., and do the same in minds of people. I HATE MYSELF

I just had a fight, she's never been there for me bar one week when I was told (by my old shrink)I should put myself away before they made me. She never gave a fuck how I felt, never acknowledged it.

It's as if, and maybe it is, that for a long time, months, since Before Christmas I was told I wasn't going to make it, I was going to fail, made fun of by 17 and 16 year olds for being older and in school, im only 19!

Told everyday THAT IM A FAILIRE!@ ITS BEEN [removed myself before posting] ANYMORE@@@@!!!@#!@

Last time I did it was a while ago, but I havnt since or thought about it.

ever since I talked to my shrink about being molested less 2 weeks ago or so I've been so full of rage, almost on the verge of loss of control with her, even once i did lose control. i shoved a bookcase down our stairs and books came crashing down, yelled at my brother and said bad thinngs. worst meltdown ever, cried,. screamed.

he told me it was my fault... being molested by our older brother. i was in a fight about it, and somthign about her not caring. all she said was he was mad and shouldnt of said it. I HATE HER. at least me and my brother is cool now.

ever since that talk, he asked if i was ready, i tried to avioud it, i wasnt sure, i said maybe i was we talked and now i want nothing more than to

GIVE IN, to rage

I don't think I would hurt anyone, no. But I would destroy so much stuff I would be arrested. I've broken so many doors, punched mirrors even, oh god.

HELP ME

this:

"I'm one step closer to the edge, and I'm about to,

SHUT UP. SHUT UP. SHUT UP. SHUT. UP. SHUT UP WHEN IM TALKING TO YOU!! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!!! IM ABOUT TO BREAK!"

Everything you say to me, sends me one step closer to the edge! and im about to break!"

-Linkin Park, "One Step Closer"

==========================

mine:

help me, this is how i plea, on blurry lines of poetry and and real help

morphing into myself

Giving away what is clear;

listen and my cries for help you'll hear

its the death of success,

born on the pages of a guess

it's art born through stress

and maybe one day, it will be,

but for now,

it's my plea for help

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if i go for help they will hate me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GET AWAY YOU WONT LOCK ME UP YOU WONT ARREST ME YOU WONT SHOW UP no more reports NO DOCTORS NO FUCKING MORE DRAMA

NO NO NO NO NO NO MORE ****** IWTH PEOPLE

NO MORE ME CAUSING &&&& WHAT DO I DO?!?!?!?!?!?!?/1?!?!?!!?/11

im such a screw up im such a mess up why why why why why ill worry thenm ill be yelled at by her i dont want this i dont know what to do i cant do ANYTHING

i just want it to end i just want this $$$$ to end!

Edited by Darkness
it would confuse people, trying to hold back
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Darkness,

Try to calm down. You know you're tearing yourself apart, right now. That doesn't seem like it would benefit anyone, does it?

Who would hate you, if you go for help?

Who wants you locked up?

You didn't cause what happened to you, but you know that acting out is something that will be held against you. Can you find a better solution, for yourself?

Forget all of them, whoever they are. Destroying things will just leave you with destroyed things. There has to be something that will make things better, instead.

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Darkness,

Try to calm down. You know you're tearing yourself apart, right now. That doesn't seem like it would benefit anyone, does it?

Who would hate you, if you go for help?

Who wants you locked up?

You didn't cause what happened to you, but you know that acting out is something that will be held against you. Can you find a better solution, for yourself?

Forget all of them, whoever they are. Destroying things will just leave you with destroyed things. There has to be something that will make things better, instead.

I was in a hospital in Huntington six/five years ago, I put myself in voluntarily. I was cutting myself and I wrote a paper in code that said I would get revenge on certain people if everything completely was destroyed. I did this at school

since then ive just messed up more and more... from homeschooling to getting so behind in school now.

It's nearly hopeless now. Even if I tear myself apart like this I don't know how to admit it but I feel so alive and good/euphoric at the same time...

I feel good when in touch with it yet so something else, now I just feel so good and nearly powerful, why...

---------took 5/6 min break in typing-------------

uhhh. so much. i got a thing on facebook now about my status about my rage,, and the thing i wanted to attend to first.

ok more in control now, but kinda feel good as long as music plays about my feelings, as long as tehy stay up i feel powerful/good.

idk.

Is it tearing me apart? Or making me stronger? I do not know.

But if I go for help, if I did right then, it might bring other groups who were just there to be safe. the Neighboors already think we are all nuts, i want to spare my family embarrasment and my mom who cant take the stress of it.

PS. sorry for not making any sense, I'm more collected now if you want to clarify anything.

--------

EDIT: my friend got the message and so hes seeign this so even if I can't figure all out what you are saying he can help me in RL i guess or something.

Edited by Darkness
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Hi Darkness,

I feel your pain.... I see that you are very angry and hurt. Looks like it has been going on for several years. One thing about school though. I wanted to share with you.

I was in a mental hospital, when I was told that I was not going to be able to go back to H.S. and get my diploma. The education lady told me, well I was confused and upset too. I opted for getting a GED while still hospitalized. I did a little studying , and took the tests, for a GED. I was told it is just like having a diploma, and I could go onto community college and everything. So that is what I did. Passed the GED, and got real close in fininshing an AA degree , only 12 units away, to get it.

But, of course I slipped up into a clinical depression state after being let go a job that was beneath my work experience of over a 20 years of teaching. it messed me up pretty badly , and went downhill from there very fast. DID some major self harming too, and finally after a year got more stable.

I was just 17 in the mental hospital , spent nearly 2 years in them without coming out.

BUt, that was one good thing I did do , was the GED. It does not mean your a failure, it gives you the same opportunity's you would have from a diploma.

I hope that you are able to find some positive coping methods to get you through these tough times. It is not easy , once you have had a very hard and difficult upbringing.

Try not to beat yourself up so much and self blame. Be strong, and keep telling yourself that you are a fighter. A strong young man that can overcome these horrible, angry , feelings and thoughts. You can do it. Be strong, and think of yourself as a good person.... I wish the best for you. Keep writing in here , we will support you and try to help.

One more thiing, if you do have learning disabilites that is keeping you from your goals, you might be eligible for some type of special eduation services. In which you would be entitled to stay in school until the age of 22.

mscat

Edited by mscat
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It is because of my own fault that I am so behind, and even if I do get a GED, it isn't the same.

Employers see it as someone who used teh easy way out, and the perception of it is just that; I know a guy that was a manager for years and had seen this again and again. He says its the same credentials in THEORY, but not in practice. It will take me longer to get a job, and I will be stuck at the bottom for a very long time.

If I do get into college, and a nearby one pretty much takes anyone (a local branch of West Virginia University). I may be able to get in with a GED, but I would have to get good grades to transfer to the main college in Morgantown to get the courses I need for the field I want.

(in case no one can tell yet I live in West Virginia)

I wasn't in a place for nearly as long, I didn't even know they could hold people for that long anymore, I was there for only 10 days in Huntington, double the normal stay because the person assigned to me only worked weekends because she was pregnant.

I'm just... so MAD at my mom, a lot of the other students, and even one of the teachers who all tell me I won't graduate. Sometimes I think that they are right.

Even with this crap, and pretty much this is all true (NOTE: this is my school's curriculum):

* D. Flemming and T Hunt of the educational journal Phi Delta Kappa wrote in a 1987 article regarding the emphasis on rote learning.

"If parents want their children to obtain a very limited and sometimes inaccurate view of the world — one that ignores thinking above the level of rote recall — then the ACE materials do the job very well. The world of the ACE materials is quite a different one from that of scholarship and critical thinking"[14]

* Former President of the Division of Educational Psychology for the American Psychology Association and former President of the American Educational Research Association, David Berliner cites a study by Speck and Prideaux (1993) which notes the wide use of association and recall activities in the ACE curriculum, as well as other workbook based curriculum. "[15]

Speck and Prideau (1993) state,"The work consists of low-level cognitive tasks that emphasize simple association and recall activities, as is typical of instruction from workbooks. Despite the reviling of B. F. Skinner by the Christian Right, the materials make heavy use of behavioral objectives, programmed learning, and rewards.[16] "

* Having researched comparative performance on the ACT between public school students from one school and ACE students from another, private school in the same geographic area, one college student wrote in her thesis in 2005,

"a significant difference was found between the public school graduates' scores and the ACE graduates' scores in all areas of the ACT (English, Math, Reading, and Composite Score), except the area of Science Reasoning. Overall, the ACT scores of the ACE graduates were consistently lower than those of the public school students."[17]

* In the past, ACE has included controversial material in its curriculum. For example, a section from a high school packet regarding Apartheid in South Africa states as follows:

"Although apartheid appears to allow the unfair treatment of blacks, the system has worked well in South Africa . . . . Although white businessmen and developers are guilty of some unfair treatment of blacks, they turned South Africa into a modern industrialized nation, which the poor, uneducated blacks couldn't have accomplished in several more decades. If more blacks were suddenly given control of the nation, its economy and business, as Mandela wished, they could have destroyed what they have waited and worked so hard for."[18]

Anyway, I do not have anything against Christianity, but it's hard enough that I'm behind, teachers do not actually teach, and even if I do graduate, I will suffer more than someone in a public school to the plights of long college nights.

This is the future I face; I only have 10 weeks and I am going insane. It's possible, but it may drain me to the breaking point if I do, I can't work fast or hard enough, I have ADD and I keep not being able to get ahold of my one Doc for meds, and even then it probablly won't be enough.

Thing is, we have to go back and fix everything. It isn't hard, except finding the answer like this I find very time consuming for how my brain works as it is tedious, I have to have the exact/near exact wording most of the time or it is wrong. It takes a while to find it in the text.

----

--> EDIT: That thesis about college preparedness, ya that's from Marshal University, that's only a 2 or 3 hour drive from where I live.... this is the part that freaks me the most, even if I do grasp everything and graduate, I'm still pretty screwed. At least I have a full 9th grade public education... that and what I self taught myself...

I just get so angry at myself and my mistakes for bringing me here, I had to leave (wasn't expelled) my first High school, tired homeschooling with my step-mom and dad, that didn't work, and now I can't do this private school. I just can't contain it much longer.

Edited by Darkness
some important stuff
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All i can do is to respond by letting you know my experience with education. Nobody has ever questioned my GED ever, or even asks to see it. You would not be at the bottom of the barrel if this has to be one of your choices. I just thought it might be easier if you knew that GED is NOT going to limit you from sucess in the future.

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if it doesn't, then I'd go for it, but I'm not sure. IDK I could ask around or something, I guess I could get one... aaaaarrrr

most people tell my to get the diploma.

and Im sorry if said anything offensive.

I wasn't trying to discredit you, though I am not sure how I did that. I was just told by a guy that was a manager that it probably isn't the way to go.

As for the rant about the school I go to, it was out of place. I have alot of anger at my school since my first year there.

thing is, things point to I should do one thing, then another, then the first thing again. I can't make any sense of it and I feel like I am in an information war and do not know what decisions to make/what side is right often times.

Should I try to graduate? or get A G.E.D.? things (and people) keep saying one way, then the other. I'm not the best at these choices, and with ones effecting my whole life, I just can;t find out what to do

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SHE WONT SHUT UP SHE WONT SHUP UP SHE WONT SHUP UP!!!!!!!!!!

She only tries to talk after she accusses me of things i didnt do and says she cant ever talk to me then well when i try to talk to hejr she stonewalls and acts like a bitch

SHUT UP

&*&$$&$%^^%$$^$%^*&%^&$%^$%$%#^##$^^@

I just want her to SHUT UP when I'm worked up and if she cant get that hell could break out and fT*##^(*)#$@^*($#@$^#@(

she told me moments ago "Ill kill myself if you dont get out of my house"

if my mother kills herself, oh, she only brought it on herself

SHUT UP

--------------

edit:

I swear to god I am on the very verge of losing control. My verbal violence to danger/things that make me feel threatened is growing, and evolving into strong urges to physically strike back.

and the old 'get out of my house your an adult [and a hopeless failure]' starts again

Edited by Darkness
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Great, another fight. Now with my brother. He started talking to me and I asked him if he wanted to play the game for me I was having trouble with on a high difficulty and he says "No" so I tell him "then shut up"

we get into it some and I tell him to not be like our older brother after he hints at turning off the console on me after 2 hours of unsaved progress.

I ripped on him for getting our console a ban on a feature for cheating on his profile the day before with other people online, and he turns if off.

I told my younger brother "ya, real mature" and told him "go to hell" he starts hitting me, and I pull up my arms, unsure if to hit back, but then in one motion bring them up to my face to protect myself like when our older brother used to hit me.

My younger brother then hits harder, and I run down to my mom and blatantly threaten to call the cops and tell them she threatened to kill herself earlier if she doesn't do anything. She just tells him "you need to stop hitting"

I didn't even touch the brat but if I did even hit him once, I would be condemned. For god's sake why can't he just have some control and not hit people like a two year old?

Anyway, I am about to lose it, completely. I see my counciler tommorrow after school, but I do not know if i can go to school.

I've had problems there, and one student told me that the princible said that me and my friend are on our "last leg", despite me never being told about it. That means one of two people are lying to me, and this kind of lie, about being on the brink of expulsion, is huge. My rage from that alone could explode any moment if I go there.

If the student it lying, he's trying to divert trouble that he himself got into by proping me up for it, and he's started rumors before.

If the principle is lying, he's being underhanded, and I've been told with my current arrangement the school has been very proud of me.

MAKE IT END!!!!1

Edited by Darkness
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when your mother is making verbal threats of killing herself, call the police. They will take her to a psych. ward to be evaluated . it is typically a 72 hour hold.

It was just said once, and I do not think she meant it from her tone. While she has said things like this in the past, I think it's mostly for shock value to scare me into being 'good'

when I told her i was blackmailing her it was teh same thing, shock value. I wouldn't call the cops, that would be the dumbest thing to do, and it would screw with everything. That is about the worst thing to do at this point, the 2nd thing is to do nothing, but I've done nothing about this stuff for so long...

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Do you have any methods of self-calming, darkness? Anyone to talk to who can support you in this? I hope you are able to see your counselor tomorrow.

Not in these instances, since at that exact moment I have someone bitching in my ear, and I can't shut them out apart from drowning them out with screams of "shut up" and various curse words literally so loud it has made many grown men startled in fear, and even prompted several people to think things ranging from 1) killer on the loose 2) someone hurt 3) "that was the most intense thing I have ever heard in my life..."

So, no. Not in these instances. Puffing up and bellowing is my natural defense mechanism to perceived threats, and I have been known on occasion to do full on charges with what some say is "demon speed" when hit unexpectedly in the face, hard at certain angles in dodge ball.

I have very poor impulse control, but thus far in my life I have abstained from physical violence and at most fallen short by quickly grabbing control again before I strike someone (like when I charge).

Though in the past, when my anger wasn't as large and I was dumber, I did get somewhat physical in Junior High, but not actually hitting anyone.

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Talked to my guy this afternoon, maybe heard some truths I don't want to. I still haven't been taking full responsibility for school I guess and being a victim to a degree, blaming others for my problems.

As for the anger I do not know about where it stands now, some conflict going on at school at the moment as well.

I just finished a good bit of work I took home and keep listening to this Russian song/music video about... something. The lead singer, she's in a strait jacket at the begining and I think she killed someone, and she has hallucinations of hanging flesh, and from the other scenes I think it's human.

I've listened to the band before, but anyway... it seems to be calming, ya, I find these kinds of things calming when done artistically when they did.

Does that make me sick? Or the fact that earlier I said my rage makes me feel euphoric? If so, I love it.

"I'm not the sane one, I'm the honest one, the one that sees that I am truly a primal beast, and yet, I have more compassion and toleration for the weak than you ever will."

Sometimes I just want to say this to someone, in effect. Maybe the really insane ones are the jerkasses who are apathetic brutes, while us "insane" and "ill" ones are the real non psychotic ones.

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Me and my family were having a convo and my brother accused me of using ihis towel from the bathroom and impiled that I used it to clean up after masturabation and my mom says:

"It's a good thing Im not fertile anymore, I wondered if there was some the toliet and it worked its way up there"

I freaked and told her to shut up, that it was disgusting and that even the thought of it was disturbing

she wouldnt i yelled louder and louder bu she kept going on, and I broke.

then I had a fight iwth my brother and he told me he has wanted me out of our house for a year or two now, and that he's suprized i hadnt rampaged adn killed anyone yet, adn that I was ALOT like our older brother, the one who molested me.

I WANT TO HIT HIM BACK SO BADLY. He threw pizza at me adn when i threw it back he through harder.

it just shows that he is a selfish sociopath like his alcoholic and hibitual lier like his dad. He will hit someone, but when you show any kind of defense, be it guarding yourself or otherwise he cranks it up several levels. He's a tricky one too, and knows how to get his way.

IM SICK OF IT AND I WANT TO TEACH HINM THAT HE CANT GET AWAY WITH THIS SHIT ANYMORE

But I can't, I can't do anything. My mom accussed me of bullying and I asked her how telling people to leave me alone and to shut up is bullying. She just replied for me to go away.

I'm bullied by a selfish brat who right infront of her was blatently making direct insults as i told him to leave me alone, and yet she cant see that i really cant go anywhere and have to hear this shit? I physically cant leave, no means to go somewehre, and no where to go that isn't public.

My mom doesn't give a fuck. Im running out of patience, and it's only a matter of time when I am physically striked again that I hit back adn a full brawl go out, and I am thrown out on the street. god save me if there is one...

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Hi Darkness,

Very sorry to hear about the difficulties you are going through right now. It's understandable why you are so frustrated, you're dealing with a lot of pressure daily and that's not easy for anyone to handle.

As for your education... if you can get your diploma, that's great. It's good to see that you have that goal. However, a GED is fine too. Employers are more interested in what kind of value you to bring to their business personally. Someone could hold a Master's degree but if they can't get along with people or are lazy or can't take directions then what good is it? My brother got his GED and he has never had a problem finding employment - good solid jobs that pay well. You convince an employer you want to work for them more than any other applicant and more than likely you'll get the job because they want someone who wants to work for them and will be an asset regardless if they have a diploma or GED.

The situation in your house sounds like a mess. That environment is toxic. I'm no expert or anything but it seems safe to say your reaction to stress is anger. Me, I get depressed. We all react differently. Your brother and mother don't know how to react to your anger and instead of helping you they make things worse with their comments and actions. I would say your best move would be to start looking into a better living situation for yourself. It might be best to get out of there for a while and go somewhere you can get a little peace for yourself. Maybe a relative if that's available to you. If not, then you will have to find ways to release your anger in a way that is healthier. When you're feeling ready to explode maybe go for a walk or play some basketball or talk to a friend. There has to be some way for you to release that stress that will help to calm you down. You just gotta look for it is all. The main thing is you gotta look out for yourself. That means finding some way to channel that anger in a safe way. I know you like to listen to music and that is all well and good but you might need a little more than that. Your body needs to expel the tension and that is why I think some physical exercise can be helpful. If your brother and/or mother are making things worse for you at a particular moment then excuse yourself and get out of there for a bit so you can breath and calm down. Like I said, look out for yourself, give yourself what you need at that moment.

Take things one step at a time, moment by moment. If you worry about it all at once then you'll get overwhelmed very easily. That's my advice to you for whatever it's worth. Keep in mind, we all really do care and I hope things get better for you soon.

- Kaskade -

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Thank you. Today actually was mostly ok actually. I've went months before without explosive outbursts, but once upon a time (two-4 years ago) it was daily. I went a year without verbally becoming violent, but in the last 3 or so months it's crept back in and kind of came back. A lot of stuff has been going on lately in the last good while, and ALL of my family is stressed. A lot of stuff is going on in our extended family as well (step-grandma having paranoid schizophrenic relapse, ex-step dad (her son) recovering from cancer, grandma on my mom's side needing a new place after her hosts got tired of her stuff)

Those extended family stuff effects my mom and half-sister and half-brother more than me (those are the 3 I live with), and so they have been stressed as well. Oh, and my brother's step-sister is pregnant at age 19 with her boyfriend's kid.

All in all, a lot of stuff is going on...

I agree I need to find a way to immediately leave when I get angry, but it's a little hard but maybe I can find a way somehow... a place pre-arranged in the house.

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Ffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck

fuck it! Fuck it!fuck it!fuck it!fuck it!fuck it!fuck it!fuck it!fuck it!fuck it!fuck it!

Ffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fuck!

Hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate

destroy!!!!!!!!!

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckkkkkk!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

----

is going into unadulterated spasms of cuss words and screaming like this unhealthy?

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SSSHUT UP FUCK IT

I CANT DO IT NO ONE GIVES A FUCK KILL IT ALL FAUFADSH'FADSHOFDH'AF!!!!!1

#$@#!~!~

shut up stop it

no no no no no nono n naodfas'

fads

feawfafadsf

shut up when im talking to you shut up

I DONT EVEN KNOW WHY I AM SO ENRAGED RIGHT NOW

I CANT DO THIS FUCK IT ALL TO HELL I CANT DO THIS YODSAFAFASF A

I CANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

forget it forget it forget it id do what I want to do so badly, it WILL get my expelled though.

I want to go in those fuckers' faces and tell them off and give them a piece of my mind and expose what kind of FUCK UP that school really is. Kids tazzering and getting 5 days suspended, then a kid pulls a knife on me, gets 5 days suspendd. meanwhile the whole school says 'they were joking'

and the principal says he needs their help to DEFEND him.

IM TIRED OF IT GROW UP FUCKING MESSED UP "CHRISTAN" PENTACOSTAL TOUNGE SPEAKING FREAKS!@

YOU think its something to be proud of to say your close minded? to preach hate? to spread lies and hypocrisy? I have never been more anti-christain till i met this AFUCKED UP PLACE

FUCKED UP

No doubt there are many well doing and faithful christans, but you freaks take the icing of the posers of all posers. thats what i will do, call em fucking posers.

I only got 2 hours before i got to that HELL HOLE and i dont know if i can take it. i cant skip, i dont know what the fuck to do. im losing it but it FEELS GOOD.

is there soemting wrong with me??!?!? i hope nott! as i might lose it today in a tyraid of cussing that gets me expelled, but byu god no tasering multiple people wont!

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Guest ASchwartz

Darkness,

Is there any way you might have of getting out of that house and into a safe environment? That family is toxic, as others here have said, very provocative. They do things to set you off and then they blame you. They are also very inappropriate.

Are there any friends or stable relatives who could take you in so that you can feel safe, stable and complete your diploma?

It also sounds like those angry outbursts make you feel worse.

Allan

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Well just now my mom jumped up out of nowhere and took my brother and sister to go out and eat in a restraunt to eat and didn't take me. Normally they do this when I get pissy or talk inappropriately, but the only thing I did today was argue a couple of hours earlier with my mom about wanting to play music in the car

and she does this little number about not being able to listen to music she wants after I told her that I don't want to hear her 'classical crap' if I can't have at a completely moderate volume my music (it was Russian Alternative). it wasn't that loud.

anyway she gave that reason for this time and my brother said to not start (probably so I don't piss her off so much that she calls it off like she threatens to do a lot) and said that they had been taking me a lot recently.

I told him I should go EVERY time because I am family and I shouldn't feel like a guest to my family (and therefore excluded). they started to drive off and I threw a brush at the car <.< and cussed into the storm that was starting to brew in the distance a bit. Went in the house, and screamed the f word and 'hate' a lot.

And I'm sorry Aschwartz, but I do not have a place to go, friends or family. My grandpa is out of the question, my dad won't take me and I won't go, and there is NO other family for over 100 miles. The only friend I know of in town that MIGHT probably couldn't. I am literally stuck here.

And in fairness, I wouldn't say that they purposely provoke me for giggles or anything like that, my mom is in pre-meno pause ( i am pretty damn sure let's say) with a big 'oh im a victim mentality', who, as a victim, sure likes to start arguments about how victimized she is.

My brother, he's angry and hurt. His dad is a cheating and lying bastard and he lives with step relatives. He was pretty much black-sheeped by his dad for understanding what was going on when he cheated on my mom and they got divorced, and gets in trouble for stuff he doesn't do, or so he says. (my little sister to blame, from what is discernible it is to get her father's approval)

My brother is forgivable, but my mom, no. She's god-damn 43. I think she would be able to for once give me an hour of her time, or just notice me more than in passing, or at least look at all these writings I work so hard on. It is so hard to ever get her to notice me, she ALWAYS wants to "veg out" even when I need her most.

I also havn't gotten into how she doesn't aknowledge my feelings on a lot of things, and how I say 'you were never there for me!' she says she put up with my problems and I embarassed her and it seems implied I am a shame on the family. Cutting? Ya. Hospitalization? volunatary. cryptic threats? kind of. anyway rumor goes I wrote a hit list in my own blood, that is many rumors though, and I don't live in that town anymore, it's 10 miles away, but her ex husband, my brother and sister's dad, does. He still lives in that damn same house.

Damn, I've been diagnosed ADHD, bipolar, and Aspergers on the Autism Spectrum Disorder. I think maybe my life just sucks so far at age 19 or I am actually mentally ill, but it is probably both.

At least my brother rises to the occasion and all out defends me when my mom goes COMPLETELY out of nowhere with BS against me for no reason.

EDIT: in the earlier post when I said the 'whole school said they were joking' that was the students mostly, but the teachers agreed it was joking, albeit VERY bad jokes/messing around. The knife was treated more seriously. Anyway, just a side note, don't bother with this, just the main text here.

EDIT 2:

Also sometimes it feels *really* good to release all this rage/angst, but other times, no. If it is because of an actual fight or event, no. If it is brought on by something minor or me just getting slightly manic like, releasing all those emotions feels really, really good, even if it is about emotional pain. Is this normal? I can really over do it when I get like this. I know it's not bipolar because it has to be TRIGGERED, unlike bipolar which isn't.

Edited by Darkness
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