Secret Shame (Could trigger)

[Dixie90]

I recently revealed in therapy my self-injurious behaviour! We had been talking about one of my dreams and it emerged from that! Part of me knew that the question about whether or not I self-harmed would be asked and I tried hard to avoid it! When she asked though I lost the ability to talk and could only answer with nods of the head! My mind was spinning and I felt trapped, I think I even regressed into a child like state stopping short of sucking on my thumb!

What is it about self-harm that causes so much shame? After all it is a coping mechanism right, used to keep us alive at times!

She asked me to promise her to try and not do it again:( but last night I felt so alone and so hurt and I needed to stop feeling that way! I hadn't self-harmed in about 3 weeks but I think maybe talking about it in therapy the day before may have triggered my impulse to cut!

Now though I feel so ashamed and disgusted with myself. I hate that I did this again especially seeing as I'd promised my C I wouldn't! I feel like such a failure and I don't know how I can go back to therapy now! The revelation in the first place made it hard enough but now I went and done this, what if she asks did I hurt myself again! I can't tell her but I can't lie to her either! I don't want to go back...because I'm afraid I will have disappointed her! I hate that I did that last night...I'm so angry with me right now and that makes me want to do it again! I've tried drawing and distracting but I'm really struggling again! I don't want to do this anymore but I don't know what to do! I can't reach out to anyone about it and now because of what I went and done I can't talk to C about it either!

Dunno what to do!! Just so ashamed!

[malign]

Dixie,

You mentioned before that you had a lot happen to you when you were very young. It makes sense that the part of you that tries to protect you was also formed at a very young age. That part may think that it has to hide all your suffering from anyone who reminds them of the adults who abused you, including your counselor. The shame might come from that time period as well?

The thing is, the rest of you is an adult now. She's safe, or at least safer. She's allowed to make mistakes; we all do. More importantly, your counselor knows you're human, and she accepts that. Can you forgive yourself, and tell her what happened?

[mscat]

Dixie,

Sometimes even talking about self harm can be very triggering. Personally I am not too surprised that it happened this way to you. I amnot trying to be sassy or anything, but, I really understand where you are coming from. A lot of self harmers feel guilty or ashamed after doing it. Especially after a few weeks not doing so, and tellng your C. you would not. That in itself is very triggering. Because then you get it in your mind, it is right there on the surface. ready and waiting. it was way too easy for a slip up. So many times it happens to people trying to stop themselves from self injury. Feeling badly about it is pretty normal, no self harmer I know wants to show it off , or brag about it. it is a silent struggle, then once it is talked about it starts to look ok again to do. Even though part of you knows it is not, your mind says go for it.

When you are ready you can tell your C. Let her know it was a slip up. You are trying to stop correct? You wil have times that you will feel you "need" to. Those are the times you could try and keep yourself busy, call a friend, go to the mall, just do not be alone ..... No self harmer hurts themselves in front of people. If you isolate yourself , their is a greater chance of soing it.

Counselor's are trained in this area, self harm is pretty well known all over the world. You will be ok. It will be ok. The more you feel badly about this, chances are likely that it will happen again. That is the addiction part . You know it is wrong, but it is soothing in a very bad way.

Your C. will understand, especially if you make it a point that you are trying not to. This is a very hard thing to overcome. Trust me , i know.

[Dixie90]

Thank you Malign and Mscat!

Yes I do very much so want to stop but I think there's still a part of me that thinks its not that bad...yes you have a problem but not a major problem so you shouldn't be talking about that, it doesn't warrant help, etc! In my more 'logical' states though I see that any self-harm is serious regardless of the severity or frequency of harming! But like the self-harming itself I seem to slip back into the blame game and my inner critic emerges...I can see this as a trigger too because I end up really angry with myself and frustrated and I want to hurt me...its just hard to stop those feelings emerging in the first place!

I'm not sure if I can tell my C malign...I think perhaps its about issues with trust and the 'whole what she will think of me' kind of stuff I put myself through! I don't think I would have told her in the first place had it not come out in one of my dreams! But I will try...will try to stop fighting her and maybe let her do her job some! But yes I think talking about it in the first place triggered that response and I suppose still does a little although have managed to avoid temptation twice thus far!

Thanks for the advice Mscat...tis true the not harming in front of anyone so perhaps if I surround myself with people more when I feel urge too! Think is I feel really ashamed for even having those thoughts and for even wanting to do that and when I feel ashamed I isolate in case anyone else will see that shame...etc! A vicious circle I suppose!

Thanks both very much!

x

[mscat]

It certainly is a vicious cycle... The shame, then the isolation, then the urges to self harm.. One good thing I have to mention is that you ARE feeling ashamed . This is actually a good thing, when you think about it.

For me, I did not care less> no shame in it . Just how to pretend it never happened , trying to cover it up so I do not have any explaining to do. I have a son. he is disabled, he sort of freaks out when mom is 'hurt" This is what comcerns me the most. I will admit the last few days have been triggering for me, and I had mentioned this to my therapist on Tuesday. He did not like that one bit, mainly because I have not done so in a while>

Anyway , this thread is about you, so I ought to take my own advice , but I am not a people person. i do not find joy being around others. But, most people who Self harm do it privately, and that is the number one thing I tell others, then just be around others , that will stop any self harmer in their tracks.

I hope this is ok to write, but I have done extreme self injury, lots of it, and a lot of times, then some not as extreme. It feels odd to put that down in writing, because it makes me feel even more out there then most who SI. Most Si'ers are kids , blah . Well I started as a kid, does that count. The kids do it but it is not as extreme as someone who is older, and really wants to inflict harm against themselves. I know I am just rambling now. I have a love hate relationship with this, and know a lot about it, but really does not prevent it from happening either. I guess their is no easy answer ... It scares me to have these triggers, because if I do start up again, i am very afraid that I will not be able to stop.

[Dixie90]

Im sorry mscat,

I hope my talking about this didn't have anything to do with your recent trigger!

Please write whatever it is you want to and don't worry about this being my thread! Its any ones thread as far as I'm concerned!

I understand what you say about kids...! I suppose I'm not a kid any more but neither am I.........I suppose the correct term is 'young adult!' I think that's part and parcel of my problem actually...my self harm is not extreme, but I fear it getting to that stage! The fact that I am so ashamed of it and of myself and the lengths I go to to hide it and the lies I tell when I slip up and questions are asked all worries me...because if I keep it secret now at this stage then I only see it ever getting worse!

I hate myself a lot....and at times really want to hurt me, but there's a tiny little part of me just wants to be better! To not hate myself so much! To be able to cope with whats going on and all these feelings and crap I have going on in my head without needing to hurt myself to regulate them! Perhaps its more about control and coping than it is about actually wanting to hurt myself!

I just really regret letting slip to C about this! Its not something I ever wanted anyone to know! Now she knows, I fear she will see me as I see me! I realise this is not how C's and T's work..congruence and all that mumbo jumbo...but they're human right? They have their own thoughts, feelings and prejudice and I worry that without the professionalism..C's response would be one very similar to the one I have of myself if that makes sense!

Wednesday is just approaching way too quickly for my liking!

[randomperson]

Browse the forums random threads. Read people's posts, relate to them. We are all more similar than you might think. So many hurting, thinking the worst of ourselves. But there is an underlying hope here A kindness.. peace.

By seeing others pains and the inner core of who they are you can see yourself better and understand who you are inside.

Forgive yourself. Know you made a mistake be upset at the mistake but not at yourself.. then resolve to improve not because you have to but because you want more out of your life. Then say I am a good person and know it in your heart.. then most important forgive yourself and know you are just as good as others.. you are grown and have many good traits.

[mscat]

Rest assured , it had nothing to do with your thread. i just started to feel triggered by my own crap that is going on, and felt like i was losing control. That is a big issue for me, control. It is odd, because if I SI it is like Iam in control once more and it calms me. I have to be very careful not to become overly stressed out, anther trigger. Their are just a lot of things happening all at once right now to have to take care of.

Self hate, is actually the number one reason why people SI, or do other things that are unhealthy to themselves.

I am certain that you are a very good person. We just have to find betterways of coping. Hard to do, because if it is not SI it could turn around into anther way of coping that is just as unhealthy.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Sometimes one of us may not like a particular post but it does not cause us to have a relapse, not really. A relapse requires a lot more than any one person's post. Its mostly caused by something in our private lives. Some of us may believe that our comments here can cause a relapse because we think we think of ourselves as bad and are ready to believe we are to blame for every bad thing that happens. Not true.

Allan

[Dixie90]

So Wednesday has come and went and I survived! Actually it wasn't too bad...the session was tough in its own right but not because of the SH issue. While that was broached it was skimmed over pretty quickly to my relief. But she did ask me to promise her again that I wouldn't do it and like last time I agreed. I don't know why though that I agree to things I cannot promise!

Anyway was doing ok only SH'd once prior to Wednesdays session! But today I've been fighting the urge all day. Its not as bad at the moment but earlier I really wanted to hurt myself...I promised I wouldn't cut so I thought it would be ok to burn myself..I didn't though! It was a tough night and day today. I had a lot of memories surface last night..some were old ones and some new but they kept coming, one after the other. I didn't think they'd end...but since they came I've been feeling pretty awful! I bit fragile I suppose as much as I had to admit that!

I think I owe the not SH thus far today though to how awful I was feeling this morning. It was debilitating to be honest but I think if it hadn't have been I may have hurt myself! I'm sure whether to be greatful for that or not...seems like a high price to pay! I'm glad I rode it out though and didn't hurt myself even if I did take a scalding hot shower...!:confused:

xx

[mscat]

I am glad you were able to stay stron and fight off the urges not to self harm. That is a very good thing. Stay strong, and keep fighting it off. You are doing well for yourself.