I´m not feeling good

[sadgreeneyes]

I feel I want to cry in between, specially today, even it seems to be ok again with me and my husband. I am just so sad. Its the third day I am gonna drink alcohol to try and cope. I have been thinking over what it is that makes me wanna cry, if I imagine I have the money to get him here the sadness wont go away, the anxiety would go away, but not the sadness. The sadness came after he threw out this divorce being ice cold. Even it now seems fine again and I am soon going down to see him I feel sadder than ever. Yesterday I talked with him and didnt feel sad, I was more self confidence towards him ( even I had been drinking two beers I know the beer wasnt the cause for my self confidence, because last time I was drinking 4 beers and was myself ) and he even started showing interest in me after I mentioned a sexual memory between me and him, I dont know why I even mentioned that to him, I guess I long for his love to show that he wants me. Its very hard to be married and never had his love, not even knowing will I get it.

It was fine yesterday, I said I had bought the gift to his parents that I wanted and just that he show interest in me again made me feel better but today I have been sad many hours and I felt so depressed. Its little better now when I write. And my beer is waiting in the fridge. I think I am so sad because I feel so alone and anxious about my marriage and my husband. I really miss his love I never have had. Maybe deep down inside of me I know he doesnt love me, maybe this is what makes me feel so sad. Maybe I am so sad because I know I love and long for someone who probably doesnt love me back. I am scared he wont love me. Maybe I am grieving?

I have had thoughts about escaping, on a boat or to a far foreign islamic country, I even though one day here and even said it to my friend, that if my husband should start something again I would just let the flight leave back to my country without me and I saw myself wandering around lonely, desperate to just disappear somewhere, to be missing so get peace from all my struggles, worries and sadness. I see myself drifting out there in this world. But I probably wouldnt survive. And saddest of all my husband would probably not miss me or look for me.

Nothing is stable in my life, I dont know do I get him here, I dont know will he leave me, I dont know will I ever get his love.

[sadgreeneyes]

I have even had thoughts about putting myself in contact with dangerous men on internet. This thought came after seeing the movie Cape Fear. I am prone to seek dangerous situations when desperate of attention and love. Anything to avoid being abandoned or feel pain.

If only my husband would show me love when I go see him I would feel better.

Its now I should feel better as I am going to see him in real again after 9 long months, but I feel confused, lost and scared.

Well, it did go with only one beer and then I got suddenly tired/dizzy, maybe because I had been cleaning the flat all day. I might lost the grip little about writing my thoughts because when I got tired I didnt drink anymore and felt somehow better, just sat here trying to find a movie to watch online, still sitting here. Even read about how to have happy marriages, I must be losing the grip somehow, its crazy what I wrote, but I feel lost every day, it goes up and down all the time, just wish I could find peace what will happen and what will be my future.