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Am I a bad person?


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Good Morning,

I need someone to help me get some perspective. I love my DH very much. I am 49 years old and never had children. I had mentioned a few times that I wish I had had children, when we first got married 3 years ago. Not too long ago, I had a couple of drinks and again mentioned I wish I would have had children, but always added I felt I was too old. I had an IUD in that was good for 5 years. He decided he wanted me to have it taken out. I told him again, that I felt I was too old, I wouldn't do the child justice, and health issues would make it difficult. He said he just wanted to try. I thought maybe there was some special reason he wanted me to have one, so I complied relunctantly. The doctor told me all the negatives of me trying to have one etc. I was worried about some of the medications I was taking and went to this doctor about antidepressants. They told me I needed to get off of them, and that my depression could come back worse. Meanwhile, I looked into having it put back in. I have to go through insurance, and have told them we will pay for it upfront.

My DH had been out of town at a convention. I had thought about all the things that had happened in my life. I have been worried that I would lose my job, his daughter moved out of the house, I do not get along with his family ( his sister accused us of ruining their wedding), his Mother took in the teenager against our wishes (we wanted to work out things with her), the ex-wife is always stirring things up, I got a bad pap report and have to have a biopsy etc.

When he got back from the convention, I was a little subdued and didn't act as excited as he thought I should act.

I tried to talk to him this weekend.I prefaced it with it is the circumstances that have been difficult and I was not putting blame on anyone. It is just that my life had been very difficult lately, and I was having a difficult time.

He clung to me, wouldn't let me out of his sight, the whole weekend. He kept looking at me with this worried look. He was especially upset about the struggle we've had with his family. It makes me very uncomfortable to be around them. He thinks I should just get over it. Its not that I don't want to, and I guess I can forgive, it is just hard to forget. Everytime I am around them I keep replaying the hurtful things they have said. He has said the very same thing, but he just wants to forget it and pretend everything is fine.

Last night he said our love between us should be enough and the rest of the world was just there. He said words are just words and actions speak louder. I have cried a good deal of the weekend and couldn't sleep last night. Last night, he told me he felt sex was a way to show love and a connection between us, but at this moment, I don't feel "in love" with him. Its just that I need a little time to heal. He asked me if I wanted to have sex, and I said I was drained and just didn't have anything to give at the moment. He kept insisting and finally I gave in. This is kind of a shortened synopsis of what has gone on. Please, could someone help me?

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Thank you for your response. My DH just came in and was upset because I didn't answer his text the way he expected. He texted to say how lucky he was to have me and how much he loved me. I texted back that I knew he loved me. I was busy at the time and didn't have time to text much. He was upset because I didn't say I how much I loved him. Crying again, knocked glass off counter and spilled it everywhere (accident) and do not feel like doing anything I need to get done.

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Most people who are behaving badly know it, jet. Quite the opposite of what other people will tell you, when they're behaving badly.

How upset does he get?

I've certainly had days when I didn't want to do what needs to be done ...

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