I pray I never wake up

[TaylorJ]

Hello all,

I have posted here a few times explaining certain problems I've had in the past. I've been in counseling ever since I was 16 years old (I'm 27 now). I've taken just about every anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medication on the market. I never try hard with counseling because I think the counselor, psychiatrist, or whoever is trying to sway me and make me do what they think is right and is not necessarily right for me.

I am a college graduate. I have a Bachelor of Science degree from a wonderful university. I graduated with magna cum laude honors. I'm so afraid to walk outside the house everyday that it is impossible for me to get a job. I've been unemployed for over two years. I don't know what changed since college, but ever since I finished my degree, things have gone down hill.

Last year, my wife moved us 6 hours away from my home so she could accept a job. She had a perfectly good job when we were living in my hometown. I felt comfortable there. I hate it here. I can't stand it. I have no friends, I have no family, I have no purpose in life.

Yesterday, I told my wife about a couple of jobs I thought I would be perfect for that were located at the university I graduated from. It is really my dream to work for my university and give back to the community and to the university for doing so much for me. I told my wife that with her experience and education, she'd have no trouble finding a job around my hometown again. But, she has vehemently refused.

I miss my family, I miss my niece and nephew and want to see them grow up (they are 10 and 7), I miss my friends, I miss my church, and I miss my community. I want to go back where I belong. I don't belong here and I hate it. Sometimes I just think about getting a knife and shoving it into my chest just to end my pain. When I discuss any of this with my wife, she starts making me the bad guy and then calls for her family to gang up on me. What makes matters worse is we have to live with her two sisters in a small house.

The fact of the matter is I can't stand my life and I pray every night that God will just kill me and take it all away. I'm starting to resent my wife, and sometimes I even feel like I hate her. I feel like she doesn't care about me at all. Ever since we got married, she doesn't care at all about her appearance and she doesn't act as happy as when we first met. I feel like she doesn't even try anymore. She puts me on guilt trips all the time and she tells lies to her family and mine to make them take her side. She even participates in my counseling. Eventually, she and the counselor are ganging up on me because apparently everything I do is wrong.

I've had several run-ins with her family since living here. They have said some really hateful things about me and through emails to me. They don't even have the guts to say things to my face. They have called me lazy and selfish. They say and do hurtful things, then they try to force me to accept their apology to erase their guilt.

I'm tired of all this bullshit and I'm seriously considering just either leaving my wife or ending my life. I just can't take it anymore. I feel like the whole world is against me and no one cares about my problems.

I finally find something I really want to do: work at my university. I have several contacts in the career center and in the faculty that I think can help me. But, my wife says no.

My dad is in poor health. We have had a bad relationship my whole life. I want to make that better before it's too late. I want to spend more time with him. I want to spend more time with my mother. I want to be able to one day tell them how much I love them. I don't want a family member from up there to call me one day and tell me they're gone. I want to be more involved in my niece and nephew's lives. I miss my friends. I miss my church. I haven't been to church in nearly two years. I even doubt if God even really exists.

I feel like my only option is to leave my wife. But, I don't want to. I love her. I really do love her. But, should my life be miserable? Is it ok to be selfish just once so that maybe you can make your life or financial situation better? I feel like she is purposely keeping me depressed and anxious to dominate me so I have to depend on her.

I have a counselor's appointment, but the soonest I could get an appointment is next Thursday. I don't see my psychiatrist again for another month. I'm not going to a hospital. I've been to one of those before and I feared for my life. No offense to anyone seriously mentally ill, but there were some pretty scary people in there that I thought were going to kill me in my sleep. It was prison. People can sugar coat it any way they want, but it was prison and I don't need that shit. I'll run away first.

I'm just really messed up right now. I constantly have to stand and watch while all my friends are succeeding at life and mine is being torn apart. I made straight A's in college and I tutored a lot of people that are so far ahead of me now. I feel like a complete, worthless loser.

I don't know what I'm going to do between now and next Thursday. I know this is long, but I wanted to try to get it all out. Maybe it'll help a little.

[Sherzade]

Hi TaylorJ,

I am very sorry that you are going through such a hard time. It does feel that you are very isolated and unhappy.

I wonder how did you negotiate moving to another place 6 hours away from your home town...

Last year, my wife moved us 6 hours away from my home

Was this discussed at all?

It feels as if you didn't/don't have any control over your own life and perhaps it would be helpful for you to address this. Do you think that this may be as well a consequence of your present circumstances, being unemployed? Being unemployed makes one feel very dis-empowered, useless and consequently depressed. This is not the best context to nurture one's self-esteem and sense of self worth.

I never try hard with counseling because I think the counselor, psychiatrist, or whoever is trying to sway me and make me do what they think is right and is not necessarily right for me.

Perhaps this is the reason why you have to stay in therapy and try to explore it further. This may be a theme in your life. Reading your post i thought that you felt that someone (your wife) was not doing what is right for you.

But i ask you, what do you think it's right for you? What do you want? How can you get it? What will you lose? What will you gain? How will you do it?