suicidal thoughts-for no actual reason

[spiritual_emergency]

Hello rubies,

How nice to hear from you and to know that you're finding the hospitalization to be helpful to you, especially the team therapy.

When I read your post about the survivor guilt I felt really strange. This is the feeling which I feel but I've never heard about it until now. I didn't talk about it because I thought that it's the feeling of the weak people and didn't want to show that I'm weak.

There were times I felt weak too, rubies. I think it's something that comes with the awareness that you can be broken. Truthfully, I think we can all break. It's just a matter of applying the right pressure in the most vulnerable place, over a certain amount of time. I do believe that all people are capable of experiencing psychosis.

However, I also think there were times when I was very strong too. Sometimes, this may have worked against me. For example, trying to manage things on my own and not ask for help from others.

Yes, my mum is very supportive, she is a teacher and social worker and she is always ready to help me but I can't share my feelings with her from my early teenage years. I feel ashamed in front of her and I know that she can't really understand me. I know that it would be better for both of us if I shared my feelings but it's really hard.

Here are two suggestions for you.

1: You could write your mum. You might even ask that when she responds, she writes back to you. Writing allows a little more separation from the intensity of our feelings and can be a good method for communicating difficult experiences.

2: You can share articles that you find helpful with her. For example, the article about survivor guilt. You could print that and give it to your mum and say something like, "I think this is part of what I feel sometimes" or, "I thought this was really interesting." That would provide you and your mum an indirect way of talking about some of your own experiences and this might feel less threatening to you.

Sometimes it can be helpful to do the same thing with other people's experiences. If you would like to share some of my experiences I've shared with you with your mother, you have my permission to do so. I won't be offended.

Rebuilding my ego is still a great task to me which I started to do but couldn't really make an advance in it. I'm still lying in pieces and can't find which piece belongs to me and which is brought from other places by the tornado. I've already found some pieces and put them in their place this is why I could carry on my life but I feel like an other person and I don't know this person.

This is part of the sorting process, figuring out which of the pieces belong to you and which of the pieces belong to something that is other than you. Keep in mind, even if something is "other than you" your feelings about that otherness belong to you. For example, maybe you recognize that a piece isn't yours but you feel sad or angry or confused about that piece. You can set that piece aside and say to yourself, "This piece doesn't belong to me," but you still have to take care of your sadness, anger or confusion because those are your feelings about the other and your feelings belong to you.

Perhaps the foreign thoughts can came from this feeling. I feel disturbed and frightened. I feel like a lost child. And I feel very very sick. I know that I have to get over these feelings, this is why I wrote them down, not because of self-pity.

Yes. In this way, we bring them out of the darkness and into the light where we can get a better look at them. Meantime, I will tell you a secret about self-pity. Self-pity always contains a seed of contempt within it. If we self-pity ourselves, we also judge ourselves -- usually, very harshly. In my various readings that I did after my own experience, I recall coming across this and thought it was helpful. I don't know if you will find it helpful as well but I'll share it in case you do...

Michael Bertrand: Your new book is called "Dancing in the Flames: The Dark Goddess in the Transformation of Consciousness." I think there's a lot of people who don't know what or who the Dark Goddess is. Why are we dealing with this image at this time?

Marion Woodman: Well, we're dealing with it because so many men and women are having dreams with a dark female figure, often bigger than lifesize, and chocolate coloured, and they don't know what to make of this figure in their dreams. I think it's exceedingly important that she should be recognized because she's a transformative energy. In the book we're trying to trace that Dark Goddess back to Isis in Egypt or to the Dark Goddesses that were brought over into Europe when the crusaders went to Africa. What did those Dark Goddesses mean in the medieval period especially in contrast with the chaste, pure White Goddess up on the pedestal--what is the difference in the energy represented by those two images?

The Dark Goddess has to do with the Earth, the humus, the humility, the human. She has to do with sexuality, with the sheer joy of the body, with fecundity and the lusciousness of the Earth and with the love that can honour the imperfections in the human being.

Whereas the White Goddess tends to make people idealize themselves and therefore develop a huge shadow, the Black Goddess, through her sense of humour and immense love for humanity, helps us to accept our imperfections. Not only that, she helps us to see that a lot of things that we may have considered shameful in ourselves are not shameful at all.

Michael Bertrand: So she's very accepting.

Of human beings, yes. She's very accepting, but in loving and honouring her we can accept our humanity. This is what is at the root of so many addictions and so much shame and guilt in our society. People cannot accept their humanity. They cannot forgive themselves for being human.

Source: An Interview With Marion Woodman ~ The Dark Goddess Returns

I think that final line is very important. Sometimes, we cannot forgive ourselves for being human. Self-compassion is something that can help us with that. Self-compassion is very different from self-pity because it doesn't judge. Self-compassion allows us to accept that sometimes, being a human being is a very difficult thing to be and there is no shame in that. It's simply part of the human experience.

~ Namaste

[rubies]

..........

Edited September 3, 2011 by rubies

[spiritual_emergency]

Hello rubies

I agree with you in that we all can break, but sometimes I think that the reason for that I broke is that I was weaker than anybody I know.

Have you ever heard the story of Achilles and his Heel? Or maybe you've had a friend play a game with you where they tap, just slightly, the back of your knee and your leg collapses in on itself? We all have places of vulnerability, we all have our own Achilles Heel. What we may not all have is the experience of having that one vulnerable point tapped in just the right way to produce a collapse.

It was strange to hear the reactions to my problem in the team therapy. I told them that I experienced psychosis and they asked 'What's that?' and said that I was strange and they haven't met anyone like me before, they couldn't really say anything and one of them said that she was frightened of me.

People are frightened of what they don't understand. There is also a false stereotype that people who have had these kinds of experiences are violent. I've been talking with "schizophrenics" for years now and that's not my experience. Rather, I've found that the kind of people who have these kinds of experiences are often very sensitive to their environments. They pick up on the emotional states of others very easily, perhaps as a result of their lack of egoic borders, and can sometimes be overwhelmed by these feelings. They are often highly intuitive and empathic to the point that it can be physically painful. Numerous studies bear this out...

Of all the misconceptions about people with mental illness — that they lack intelligence, have nothing to contribute or cannot recover — the most common misconception is that people with mental illness are violent or dangerous. ...

"It is unlikely that a large portion of community violence is attributable to persons with mental illness," Heather Stuart, professor at Queen's University in Kingston, Ontario, notes. Stuart and a colleague conducted an analysis among inmates to determine what proportion of violent crimes could be attributed to mental illness or substance use disorder. "From the perspective of public health interventions, only one in ten violent crimes in our sample could have been prevented if these disorders did not exist," she explains of the study's results. In fact, seven per cent were attributed to substance use disorders, and only three per cent were attributable to mental illnesses.

Source: Mental Disorders, Addictions and the Question of Violence

I sometimes like to point out to people that if only 3% of violent crimes were committed by people with mental illness and another 7% were committed by those under the influence of drugs or alcohol... that means that a whopping 90% of the remaining violent crimes were committed by those considered to be sober, sane and mentally well. :confused:

All of the above is what is known as "stigma" rubies. Stigma can make it more difficult for people to recover because it doesn't contribute to rebuilding a healthy ego identity. Also, because people are so "open" they can take these negative messages in on a very deep level and internalize them -- they start to believe that they are some kind of awful monster. It contributes to their own lack of self-worth and isolation. When you encounter these sort of attitudes in others, I suggest you put them in your "This piece does not belong to me," pile.

There are a very small minority of people with mental illness who have committed violent acts or crimes. Those that have, need to be held accountable for their actions but most people who have experienced psychosis are not violent. They avoid conflict by withdrawing and they don't know how to defend themselves since doing so requires an awareness of the boundaries between self and other. Statistically speaking, "schizophrenics" are more likely to be the victims of violence rather than perpetrators. This is a truth that needs to be reinforced as a means of reducing an unjust cross they often have to bear and also, providing them some protection during the times they cannot defend themselves from others.

I'll have more thoughts for you later rubies, but for now, I need to take care of some of my chores.

~ Namaste

Edited April 10, 2011 by spiritual_emergency

[spiritual_emergency]

Once I started writing a letter to my mum but couldn't finish it because I couldn't control my handwriting. (This happened to me a lot of times during and after my episodes. My hands didn't obey to me.)

Before my experience, I had very tiny, neat handwriting. Afterwards, my handwriting became sloppy and chaotic as if I could no longer control the pen as well as I once had. Like many other things, this slowly improved over time.

There's a wall inside me which doesn't let me to tell things to her. I don't know how to erase this wall or how to find a door on it. Showing some articles to her is a good idea and I will try to collect some of them related to my feelings. I fear of that she will start worrying because of me starting to tell my problems to her. I don't want her to worry, that's why I didn't speak about my feelings about the accident. Suddenly starting a conversation about it after 3 years can seem weird to her.

I don't know if you know that I have a child (a young adult) who has had some experiences similar to my own. In their case, they did end up in a hospital which meant they also ended up with a diagnosis and some medication. You would think that because we've both had similar experiences we could understand each other's perfectly but this wasn't always true, even though that common ground helped us to talk more easily about many things. Like you though, sometimes they worried about worrying me and didn't tell me things for that reason. And sometimes, I was frightened and sad for them and didn't know the right things to say or do. This meant that communication didn't always flow easily between us. I think the more important thing isn't that we always understood each other but that we loved each other and were willing to be there for each other.

If you don't feel comfortable talking about these things with your mum, that's okay -- there is no rule that says you have to. I suggest you share those articles with her if you think it will be helpful but if you don't feel right about it, you don't have to. Meantime, many people first turn to their families for understanding. They may find peers can offer more support because they've had similar experiences but they really need their families to love them while they figure things out. This is something they don't usually get from peers, professionals or mentors which is part of the reason family and friends are so very, very important to recovery. It sounds like your mom loves you and that you love her. That's going to make a difference. People who have to go through these experiences feeling that no one loves them... that makes it so much more difficult for them to get back up on their feet.

Back to my chores.

Edited April 9, 2011 by spiritual_emergency

[spiritual_emergency]

Hello again rubies,

I wanted to share some additional information with you as pertaining to some of the other comments you'd shared...

I was perfectionist until the creatures of my brain arrived into my life and started to mess up everything. I started to get bad marks, the teachers didn't understand why I was gazing in the corners of the room instead of doing the tasks and I started to lose my friends because of not speaking to anyone for days. I was disillusioned by myself and I wanted to punish myself for all this but being rude to myself only caused more problems. I try to learn how to accept myself with my faults and incompleteness but it's difficult. I still want to be perfect sometimes.

... For the ego personality identified with the dynamic feminine pole, the conflict is between perfectionistic expectations and standards, and feelings of unworthiness, self-loathing and despair, accompanied by depression and disorienting affects.

Release from a fixation on the static masculine/dynamic feminine polarity lies in a submission to the watery initiations and a resulting shift to the static feminine/dynamic masculine polarity. For the ego personality dominated by the dynamic masculine-feminine pole, this transformation results from giving up perfectionistic expectations and self-loathing in order to dissolve into a loving acceptance of oneself as one is, reflected in the mirror of the static-feminine side of the Self.

For the ego personality dominated by the static-masculine pole, the watery initiation flows from yielding the security of the static-masculine orientation to the terrifying inner experience of disorientation, potential madness, suicidal fantasies and symbolic death. Rebirth in the static feminine is the joyful experience of wholeness, a reconciliation of the static masculine/feminine opposites, which the static masculine has split in its search for perfection.

Source: Schizophrenia, Psychosis and the Opposites in the Psyche

To possibly help illustrate that passage I'd like to share a story with you about a young man I spoke with several years ago. This young man was very, very, very intelligent. In fact, most people thought he was much older than he really was because of the way he presented himself. He shared a bit about his personal experience of psychosis with me.

It would be important to know that in addition to his high intelligence, he also had an obvious physical handicap. This handicap was a burden to him but he had figured out in his mind that he'd still be able to make it in this world by relying on his smarts. He believed that until one day, he took an IQ test and he didn't score as high as he thought he would. That was something that completely shattered his world. He described it as if he had been walking across a frozen lake and the ice cracked and split, plunging him into the icy cold waters. His response to the test had revealed the chink in his armor. He didn't know how he could function in the world if he was not considered brilliant by those around him, and he was frightened by what he perceived to be a glaring imperfection that others would hold against him. That was the conflict in his psyche. He believed he had to be perfect.

In a similar vein, my own child, as they were approaching their senior year, began to stress about choosing the perfect career. Somewhere they had latched onto the idea that if they didn't pick the perfect career, if they didn't get the right education, if they didn't score in the top percentile in their class... their life would go downhill after high school.

I wasn't sure where they got these ideas from because they weren't mine. I think some of it came from the career counsellors who visited their school and, perhaps as a means of pitching their university or college as "the best" had also managed to instill these nagging thoughts that this was a very important decision and if they made the wrong choice, they'd ruin their life. Some of it probably came from their own beliefs about finding acceptance and approval in their life too. They were also a first born child and first born children often do feel a greater burden to be "perfect".

Something I tried to encourage that young man to do, and my own child as well, was to take a good look at the adults around them and ask themselves: How many of them had college or university degrees? How many of them earned top salaries? How many of them were content or happy with their lives? Could intelligence be measured solely by a mark or the result of an IQ test? Did money buy you love? Did a diploma guarantee you happiness? What were the marks of a successful life? These are big questions and the answers don't come quickly or easily but perhaps they are some things that you might benefit from thinking about and talking about with others. They might even be the kinds of things you can talk about more easily with your mum and dad.

More thoughts later.

~ Namaste

Music of the Hour:

[spiritual_emergency]

rubies: There's another thing which I didn't tell to anyone except my previous doctor but she didn't answer me- she stayed in silence when I told it to her. ... The air is not completely transparent to me. I see black and white dots in various sizes from my early childhood (It's a little bit like the television when there's no signal-but of course a lot more transparent and it doesn't bother me in anything now) I thought that it was normal and that everyone sees them until I spoke about it to one of my classmates who told me that she couldn't see them.

Hello rubies,

I saved my response to this part of your message for last because I wanted to think carefully about it. The reason I wanted to think carefully about it is because this is a piece that belongs to you and I think it's telling you something important, that you say right here...

In psychosis I thought that they were living beings and that we can interact with our thoughts (I thought the same things about plants too) I discovered golden dots if I watched the air carefully.

Throughout this conversation we have been talking about our thoughts and we can see that thoughts do shape us in very specific ways. People do interact with their thoughts all the time. What they might not do is paint a picture of what that thought looks like. I think, in some ways, psychosis paints a picture of the thought and in some ways, it does so because it's easier to interact with and understand something we can see.

As an example, earlier in this conversation I'd talked about "characters" in my experience. I had a couple of different characters but I'm just going to talk very briefly about two of them, both male. One of the males was very good and one of them was very bad. In a manner of speaking, we could say that one represented all the good thoughts I had about men and one represented all the bad thoughts I had about men. By bringing each collection of thoughts together in one body and giving it a name, it made it easier for me to see what was there and then, interact with it. I learned a lot from that!

Notice that in your own experience, the dots (thoughts) are divided into two colors -- black and white. These are opposites, just like good and bad are opposites. But what you also have are some little flashes of gold in there. In a manner of speaking we can say that this "picture" you saw is a pretty good representation of a conflict between the opposites of the psyche. Understanding psychosis and finding it's meaning means sorting out the good and the bad. The important thing to remember is that there's gold there that's worth retrieving.

The Jungian shadow is composed of the dark and unknown aspects of personality. The shadow is created by the oppositeness of life and the need for choice.

To choose to be one way is to choose not to be another. The shadow is made up of the "unchosen" choices. If, as a child you choose to be tough, then you are not tender and vice versa. In a choice to be an athlete you may give up the options to be a musician or an artist. You learn to either keep your feelings in or to let them out.

Choices are made and direction is given to personality development. The shadow can be viewed as the unlived life resulting from a certain pattern of life choices. Thomas Moore in The Care of the Soul states that, "The person we choose to be, ... automatically creates a dark double -- the person we choose not to be."

Robert Louis Stevenson’s story of Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde is the symbolic story of a man and his shadow. The shadow refers to everything that has been repressed and embodies all of life that has not been allowed expression. Robert Johnson calls the shadow, "...our psychic twin that follows us like a mirror image."

Sometimes life choices are not freely made. We are taught as children to be one way and not another and have little choice. Boys may be taught not to cry and girls not to be assertive. Some elements of the shadow can indeed be potentially harmful and do not need to be acted out. Uncontrolled anger, impulsive sexuality, lying, and stealing are shadow potentials that are best kept in the shadow and the socialization process sees that they are. The shadow contains not only the positive of potential life choices "not made" but the negative potential of unbridled acting out.

Most often the shadow comes to be seen as entirely negative and its recognition is resisted. If a person strongly denies the shadow then he may be overly focused on the persona. He may only know himself as persona and this is all that is shown to society.

The "Golden Shadow"

The shadow, however, does hold significant positive features for the personality. Eventually these positive features need integration if the individuation process is to proceed. Robert Johnson says that there is "gold" in the shadow. This gold needs to be mined and brought to the surface...

... Robert Johnson observes that people resist the more noble aspects of their shadow more strenuously than the dark sides. He says that, "The gold is related to our higher calling and this can be hard to accept at certain stages of life." While still concerned with ego differentiation and type development we may not want to hear of the challenge of a higher calling.

Source: The Shadow

I want to emphasize once more that these are just ideas that might give you different ways of thinking about your own experiences rubies. They're not absolute facts or answers and you are the only one that can decide if they fit for your life. They also don't offer any quick answers and might be things you want to think about and talk about with lots of people on your support team for a very long time. This is part of the sorting out process as we slowly, slowly, slowly, figure out our own answers, what our experiences might mean in our lives and where we might need to grow next in order to become the people we were meant to be.

~ Namaste

[rubies]

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Edited September 3, 2011 by rubies

[spiritual_emergency]

I've glad to know you feel better, rubies. Talking can be very helpful. We can talk more when you return. For now, though, I hope this tune carries you through the next little while....

I'm really liking that one.

~ Dancing Namaste

[rubies]

..........

Edited September 3, 2011 by rubies

[spiritual_emergency]

Hello rubies,

I can only spend a few minutes with you at the moment but I wanted to remind you to be gentle and caring with yourself. Because you found it helpful before, maybe you could go back and listen to that music. Think also of your protectors in each corner, working to keep you safe. If possible, I think it would be good if you could get some rest.

Meantime, is it possible for you to arrange for an extension on your exams? Perhaps that's something your mum could help you with and given that you were in the hospital, something your school will be accepting of.

I will think good thoughts for you all through this day and return to talk with you more this evening.

~ Namaste

[rubies]

..........

Edited September 3, 2011 by rubies

[spiritual_emergency]

Hello rubies,

I hope you were able to get some rest and were able to find some tools and support that could help you get through this day. It's also possible you may have made the decision to return to the hospital and of course, that's fine too -- you must do the things that will keep you safe and cared for.

I'm going to take a few minutes now to read and review what you had to say earlier but I wanted to say hello in case you were waiting to hear from me.

~ Namaste

[spiritual_emergency]

rubies: I’m so frightened of myself. The suicidal thoughts are back and I don’t know how to cope with them. ... There are thoughts forcing me to jump out of the window. Feelings that make everything seem unreal. I see pictures of everything collapsing near me. Walls crushing, mirrors breaking. It feels like the floor could open anytime. I don’t feel safe. I see human shaped figures coming towards me and then realise that nothing is there. I see rats and mice from the corner of my eye. They didn't let me sleep (I didn't consume any caffeine now) It was a night long battle against the thoughts which act like they weren’t mine.

I thought I would share this story with you rubies, about someone else who was going through a very difficult experience and what they discovered in the process.

... I was in a very difficult, emotionally turbulent passage, punctuated with periods of psychosis. The anguish of it seemed endless, and I had lost all sense of time. I remember pressing my body against the concrete wall in the corridor of the mental institution as wave upon wave of tormenting voices washed over me. It felt like I was in a hurricane. In the midst of it, I heard a voice that was different from the tormenting voices. This voice was deeply calm and steady. It was the voice of God, and God said, “You are the flyer of the kite.” And then the voice was gone.

Time passed and I kept repeating what I had heard, “I am the flyer of the kite.” When I repeated this phrase, I had the image of a smaller me, standing deep down in the center of me. The smaller me held a ball of string attached to a kite. The kite flyer was looking up at the kite. To my surprise, the kite looked like me also. It whirled and snagged and dove and flung around in the wild winds. But all the while, the flyer of the kite held steady and still, looking up at the plunging and racing kite.

“I am the flyer of the kite”, I repeated again. And, slowly, I began to understand the lesson. “I have always thought I was just the kite. But God says I am the flyer of the kite. So, even though the kite may dive and hurl about in the winds of pain and psychosis, I remain on the ground, because I am the flyer of the kite. I remain. I will be here when the winds roar, and I will be here when the winds are calm. I am here today, and I will be here tomorrow. There is a tomorrow, because I am more than the kite. I am the flyer of the kite.”

Source: Dr. Patricia Deegan ~ The Flyer of the Kite

Earlier we had talked about psychosis being like a tornado, but in the eye of each storm there is a place of calmness. I think that's what Patricia Deegan found that day -- that place of calmness at the center of the storm. I hope you are able to find that too.

Meantime, do remember some of those other things we talked about -- how in psychosis, the house of one's self might come all undone. Remember, that even if it comes undone, it can be put back together again.

I'm remembering too how you said that sometimes, if you felt these sorts of experiences coming on, you would lay down on your bed and just sort of watch them come and go. I think something changes within us when we stop being frightened of what is happening and instead, become curious about what is happening. In my own experience I not only found it important to write down but also to try and express what was happening. I found music and poetry helpful for that. Other people have wanted to dance, sing, model with clay, paint or draw. There are different ways we can let some of these emotions out that might be helpful to at least get them out.

Meantime, I've got a feeling that you'll figure out a solution regarding your exams. It could be that if wait until September to take them, you'll score even better than you might have now. And if that means that you're delayed a bit getting started with your university courses, it will mean you're that much more mature going in. I don't know about Hungary but here, many young people just party their way through their first year -- they might as well have stayed at home and not attended at all.

I'll continue to think good thoughts for you rubies, and to think of you remaining safe, in a circle of love. I am reassured to know that your mum loves you so very much and somehow seems to know if you're not feeling 100% even if you don't know how to say as much.

Meantime, here's a lovely piece of music and some pictures of the aurora -- I always find it quite soothing to watch such things.

Music of the Hour:

~ Namaste

[spiritual_emergency]

rubies, I came across this in my readings tonight and thought it might be of interest to you because it's a program in Hungary. I don't know if it would appeal to you or might be able to offer some appropriate support services because a great deal of the site is written in Hungarian and I don't know how to read it.

I will share the link and you can decide for yourself if it might be useful to you: Soteria ~ Hungary

[rubies]

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Edited September 3, 2011 by rubies

[rubies]

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Edited September 3, 2011 by rubies

[finding my way]

Hello rubies! I just wanted to say hi and to say that I think you are very brave really. I'm no expert, just a member of the community. One thing I have really learned here is how important self talk is in our health. The things we say to ourselves matter. We can think that it doesn't, that it is just "me" I am saying mean things to, so it doesn't count. But it does. I really do not think that you are being weak. No one else around you struggles with perceptual and sensory processing problems like you do, so it's tough for you to know what would be "normal" in response to that. Believe me, if I saw the things you see, I would struggle to make sense of things too!!

One thought I had is maybe you could find a way to get anchored that works for you. I work with children that have sensory processing problems, which isn't the same but maybe related? We use the sense of balance a lot to help integrate the senses for these kids. How are you at standing on one leg? Tossing and catching a bean bag or ball? Gravity has a very definite straight line for each one of us and for all objects... getting back to your line of gravity can help organize vision and physical sensations. I do not mean anything dramatic. Just standing and feeling your balance as you stand there, or a few gentle yoga postures is the kind of thing I mean. Getting coordinated with catching a small bouncing ball might be another...

rubies I am sorry things are tough right now! I hope some things go well for you today:o

[spiritual_emergency]

Hello rubies,

My apologies for my quietness. Too often, I find myself too busy in many areas at the same time.

There were a few things I wanted to speak to in your message. First, I agree with findingmyway. I don't think you're being weak. I think you're being quite strong. I say that knowing that my experience was probably the most difficult and painful experience I've ever had but at least I had the benefit of having lived longer and thus, having more life experience I could draw on to help me understand it. I also brought as much love into that space as I possibly could so I would recommend that to you. Love is always a protective and potentially healing force.

The second thing I wanted to comment on was this passage...

The one who I didn’t talk about yet is my grandma who lives with us and hates me. She hates me since I was 7 because she thought that I was looking at her in a strange way and she said „You hate me” and I said no but she keeps saying that I look at her strangely and that I hate her since then. I know that it sounds like a stupid story and it’s kinda unbelievable but it really happened like that. She lives upstairs and she comes down to us several times a day and keeps saying „don’t look at me that way” every time she sees me and of course I have told her that I love her billion times but now I am tired of it and perhaps I started truly hating her a little bit for doing this stupid behaviour. She is mean with me. The most painful thing she said was when I had the accident and the ambulance car took me home from the hospital, she told me that I will never be able to walk again. Which is again a stupid thing to say as I only broke my sacrum but it really hurt me. She said other things too but I don’t want to talk about them now as they would hurt me again. But I think that even these things can't be enough for psychosis. I was weak and I'm so ashamed of myself and of that I've put this weight on my family.

Did you notice that you have a woman in your experience who says mean things to you. Also, you felt very badly about that other old woman who had died in that accident. Now, here you are telling us about your own grandmother and there's difficulties in that relationship for you.

In my own experience, the "characters" that appeared could all be linked back to events and experiences that had occurred in my "real life". Perhaps the voice you hear in your fragmented experiences belongs to your grandmother. It's also possible, it doesn't but that the old woman represents something else. For example, it could represent a very old idea about women. We can find some examples of some of these ideas in the culture around us. Anyway, that might be something for you to think about.

I can also say that when I was a young child, I was half-terrified of my own grandmother. Some of this was because I didn't know her very well and also because, sometimes she was an authority figure in my life. She gave me a hard smack one time for doing something I probably shouldn't have been doing and once, she washed my mouth out with soap for saying a word I didn't know was considered a "bad" word. I was frightened of her but later found I was able to appreciate some of her strengths. For example, she had to get a job to feed her family in an era when very few women worked outside of the home.

I will respond to your other thoughts later but now I want to tell what has happened to me yesterday. ... We were coming home from the hose of one of my teachers with some of my classmates and it was dark and we were coming down a hill by bus. One of them said that the bus driver was a zombie because she saw a film about zombies. I don’t know why but as I heard this joke, something ’’broke’’ in my mind and I started to panic. I’ve got difficulties with travelling since my accident and we were coming down from a hill so it was even more frightening and it was dark and I’m afraid of the dark because in psychosis I saw the most frightening things in the dark. I don’t know how but these things were enough to start a process in me but I don’t know where it leads.

I would say that something got "triggered" in you. This can happen when something in your present reminds you of another difficult, frightening or painful experience in your past. For example, you may have heard stories about soldiers who have fought in a war and years later, they might hear a helicopter and the sound "triggers" their memories of the war they fought in, throwing them back into the same psychological space they were in then. Even though they are no longer in a war zone, their mind can still get trapped there but with practice, they can learn to bring themselves back to the present time.

Something that may be helpful is to remind yourself, "That was then, this is now." It's two different spaces. It can also be helpful to look around you and find something to focus on that helps you find that place of calmness within you. For example, if you were out driving in the dark, you might want to focus on the lights of a distant city, or picture yourself arriving safe and sound at your destination.

I like findingtheway's ideas of focusing on your body as well. It may be helpful to rub your hands over the sides of your legs, or to gently pat your legs to help remind you that you are in your body. If your body doesn't feel safe, it can be helpful to move into a psychological space where you do feel safe. This might be your home or perhaps, in the company of a specific person such as your mother.

If you begin to hear critical or frightening voices, think about a different voice -- imagine yourself hearing the voice of someone who loves you very much. For example, your father's actions when you were sick before seem very tender and loving. You could imagine hearing his voice, hear it speaking soothing words or talking of how proud he is of you and how much he loves you. You might also think of the voices of some of us here, reminding you that you are a good person and you're not weak -- you're being very strong, brave and courageous.

Remember also that whenever we're dealing with the dark, we're often dealing with some aspect of the personal or collective shadow. Allow yourself to be curious and to step back and watch what is happening. For example, if a voice says something distressing to you, how do you respond? What do you feel in your body? See if you can figure out why you feel frightened. For example, if a thought or voice comes to you that causes you to feel like you're not a good person, this might stir up fears of being considered inadequate or not worthy of being loved by the people that are important to you. You might even find you can go to those people and tell them about your fears of not being considered worthy or lovable. If it's appropriate, you might ask them to give you a hug or to hold your hand for a little while until that fear passes.

If those ideas help you, put them in your toolbox so you can use the tool again should you need to.

I will continue to think good thoughts for you rubies, and encourage you to be kind with yourself.

~ Namaste

Music of the Hour:

Edited April 22, 2011 by spiritual_emergency

[rubies]

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Edited September 3, 2011 by rubies

[rubies]

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Edited September 3, 2011 by rubies

[spiritual_emergency]

Hello rubies,

I have some thoughts I'd like to share with you but time is a bit pressing for me so for now, I wanted to share this other article I'd come across in my readings tonight that impressed me.

Characteristics of Recovery and the Hero’s Journeywritten by Heidi Waltos, RN, MSN, CNS, Wellness Coordinator for the Retreat

I’ve had the privilege of working in the mental health field for the past thirty plus years where the resilience of people never ceases to amaze and enlighten. What is it that enables a person who has reached the depths of despair to climb out and own their life again? My experience tells me it has much less to do with the type of treatment rendered and returning to ‘normal’ than it does with an awakened belief in oneself and to something larger where ‘normal’ is redefined and expanded. Like the words from a Beatles song, “Don’t be afraid. Take a sad song and make it better” – this is what resilience is about. ...

Symptoms can enlighten us, and for those journeyers who choose to grow through their illness there appears to be a distinct route with recognizable signposts along the way. By recognizing these signposts, clinicians can become better prepared to understand and respond to people’s experiences and make suggestions which are supportive of recovery and take into account the value of the journey. Marc Barasch’s work, The Healing Path is an exceptional resource for anyone wishing to gain in-depth insight into the universality of transformational struggles. Barasch learned that most people who surpassed ‘medical’ expectations for recovery felt that their attitudes and insights were central to their healing. In fact, “each person, some reluctantly, wound up doing the opposite of what sick people are supposed to do: Rather than simply trying to ‘get back to normal’, they embarked, at the most inauspicious time, on a voyage of self-discovery. ...

In every tale of success, individuals clearly stated, early on, they believed they were going to recover fully. It went beyond the power of positive thinking; they did not ‘try’ to think positively, they just knew. Their stories are a testament to the creative abilities of consciousness. Some marched assuredly and strongly to the rhythm of a different drummer while others did so tentatively and reluctantly, yet in each instance the application of internal strengths was a must.

Andersen et al, at the National Institute for Mental Health in England (2004), outlined four consecutive stages of recovery: dependent and unaware, dependent and aware, independent and aware and inter-dependent and aware. People seek care, initially just wanting to be cared for and fixed. There is little energy to grapple with the deeper issues in this early phase when discomfort and denial are high. It is vitally important as health care providers that we are aware the process of healing is just beginning. If we foster continued dependency on our services, fail to prod awareness and deeper understandings and/or minimize the probability of full recovery we will have not served well. ...

In the study of “Mental Health Recovery: What Helps and What Hinders? (A national research project for the development of recovery facilitating system performance indicators completed in 2002), it was unanimous that a paternalistic approach by health care providers was detrimental to recovery, where as the promotion of self-agency, (even if it meant the patient taking more risks in their life), was more helpful.

Survivors tend to be feisty with an independent streak toward the outside world yet they also exhibit a growing ability to accept confusion and surrender within themselves. It is a delicate balance, the journey is not completed alone but there are segments where it becomes important to release reliance on external fixes and instead turn to oneself.

Not surprisingly, the path of recovery mirrors the progressive series of challenges illustrated in every classic heroic myth throughout history. In these archetypal tales of the human experience the main character moves from innocence, through crisis and loss, to hard won self knowledge. All mythic stories deal with transformation of one kind or another and usually contain the underlying theme of stripping away disguises to reveal the true being within.

In his interviews with recovered individuals, Barasch identified 19 themes encountered in these parables of transformation. He found that by steering through, rather than circumnavigating the scary stuff, the individual’s chances for complete recovery grew. These signposts can be grouped together into five sequential steps:

• Crisis: Life Crisis, Herald of the Journey, Health Crisis, Spiritual Crisis, Denial and Despair

• Sanctuary: Encounter with the psyche, Vision Quest, Identity Loss, Social Separation, Appearance of a Helper

• Discovery: Roots of Predicament are Revealed, Rediscovery of Aliveness, Confrontation with Death of Former Ways

• Transcendence: Turning Point, Change of Heart

• Return: Return to the World, Wounded Healer is Born

... In the process of these discoveries, the hero also reconnects with genuine strengths which had been denied as well. By revealing and facing head on what they have been frightened of they are no longer bound by that fear. The spell of replaying the same story over and over, hoping for a different ending, breaks. “The hero discovers and assimilates his own unsuspected self (their darker side) as well. One by one, resistances are broken, responsibility is taken and there is a subsequent dramatic change in outlook – a rediscovery of aliveness. However, before the final death of old ways and rebirth of new ones, people usually report a final test of their new resolutions. Many refer to this as the dark night of the soul, accompanied by emotional paralysis. In symbolic terms the hero is in suspended animation (Snow White sleeps, Hans Solo is frozen in his carbonite tomb, Hercules is stripped of his godly powers, Jonah is swallowed by the whale, winter freezes the earth and strips away the showy plumage of autumn). At this juncture the individual subconsciously determines if he or she is ready to face life without the “former outgrown self”. Things may seem temporarily worse – just as the individual is beginning to feel better it dawns on them that they really are giving up a way they used to be and this can be frightening. Sometimes the upsurge in symptoms is the necessary push which catapults them to once and for all release themselves from past patterns. Eventually, there is complete surrender. Roberts & Wolfson, (2004) found that a majority of patients reported the following, “Perhaps the most important thing was there came a time when it all “clicked”, when I realized that nobody was going to recover for me, that I was going to have to find a way to do it myself”.

... In summary – the trials, tribulations and ultimate rewards of the hero’s journey dove tail perfectly with the characteristics of those who recover: These individuals reframe a ‘damage’ model into a quest for wholeness, they see bad times as temporary, they re-interpret past events to identify their strengths, they realize that struggle is part of life, they recognize that hurt and rebounding from hurt co-exists, they make sure to spend time with healthy people and establish boundaries with those who are harmful and they stop blaming themselves for what went ‘wrong’ but instead own what they managed to make ‘right’. The tools which continue to sustain them (according to the “What Helps and What Hinders?” study, in order of most to least important) were: Family and friends, social activism, exercise, one-to-one therapies, group affiliation and psychiatric drugs.

As healthcare providers, we do our best work when we also subscribe to these tenets and when we recognize that most people, in fact, join the ranks of the heroes, and fully recover.

Heidi Waltos, RN, MSN, CNS (2010)

Read the full article here: Characteristics of Recovery and the Hero's Journey

Music of the Hour:

I also wanted to add, I thought the imagery of Tokujin Yoshioka was very soothing and beautiful. Thank you for sharing that.

~ Namaste

[rubies]

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Edited September 3, 2011 by rubies

[spiritual_emergency]

rubies: This part of it moved something deep inside me. During my first episode and during the second until I was hospitalised I didn’t think that I was ill, I thought of the experience as a journey in myself. I thought that this was happening to me because I was creative and I didn’t use my energies so my brain wanted to show me something new. This was the key to looking at my experiences with curiousity. ... I miracoulosly survived without any damage and I was hospitalised. There they told me that I was ill. Since then I think at myself as an ill person and I’m not sure in recovery since they told me that perhaps I will not and that perhaps I will have to take my medications all life long.

Oh. Well, I talk to people every day who are recovered. Some of those people choose to still make use of medications, some of them use medications only during especially difficult times, and some of them don't use medications at all. What's more, some of them became psychiatrists, psychologists or therapists who work with people who have undergone similar experiences. I also run into people every day who don't think that's possible. This is nonsense to me for even years ago it was understood that many, many people would recover.

I think what happened is that some bigshot said, "No, they can't recover" and that got written into the textbooks. Then, the people who'd decided that they wanted to become psychiatrists and psychologists went to colleges and universities where they read those textbooks. At the same time they were reading, they were thinking to themselves, "I am certainly working very hard and paying a lot of money for this education of mine." Because of that second line of thought, they were willing to believe whatever they'd been taught because they worked hard and paid a lot for it.

Some of them got out of school and discovered that they didn't actually get the education they thought they'd paid for -- they might have witnessed this with their own eyes when they saw people recover, even if others said it was impossible. Other people clung to those beliefs they'd learned in school to the extent that they either got in the way of people's recovery (so that they couldn't recover) or, if they encountered anyone who'd recovered they told themselves, "They must not have been ill."

At the Schizophrenia & Hope article I've linked below, I have a lot of statistical information gathered about recovery. This includes the personal account of a man who was diagnosed as schizophrenic, recovered, became a psychiatrist, and was then told that he must not have ever been ill. The people around him just couldn't deal with the reality they were seeing, even though it was right in front of their eyes!

I would encourage you to read those links and studies rubies, and if people tell you that you can't recover, tell them this: There is no way of reliably predicting who will or will not recover. However, there is a very great deal that we can do to ensure that people will never recover as well as a very great deal to help them recover. One of the things that helps them do that is believing in their capacity to do so. I believe in recovery, rubies. I believe it because I am an example of it and I have seen it happen again and again.

They are not sure in anything since they can’t diagnose me before I’m 18 (I don’t know why, is there an illness which can’t be diagnosed before 18?) so I can’t be sure of anything either.

The only diagnosis I've ever been willing to fully accept is this one: Human Being. I accepted that even though there is no cure for being fully human and ultimately, it is a terminal condition. People cannot escape being human but I certainly believe they can overcome being a human whose ego has collapsed. I see no reason why you should not be capable of aiming for the very best recovery you are personally capable of. And yes, that does include the possibility of a full recovery.

~ Namaste

See also:

- Schizophrenia & Hope

- Someone who believed in them helped them to recover

- Schizophrenia & The Hero's Journey

- The Experience (Journey of) Schizophrenia

Music of the Hour:

[rubies]

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Edited September 3, 2011 by rubies

[rubies]

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Edited September 3, 2011 by rubies