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Well, I'm back from Haiti and am well in the middle of my post trip depression. I spent 10 days "in my element". I got to network with people, join organiztions to make what they offer stronger and reach more people. I got to consult at a place where they work with mentally ill or disabled people to teach about best practices and treatment strategies. Plus I got them to agree to employ and train Haitians rather than depend on volunteers coming over! It all felt useful and meaningful to me and hopefully to them too.

Now I'm back to a job I hate. Where my boss is a bully in the way he micromanages and retaliates. (He actually meets the accepted definition of workplace bullying.)

And me? I'm stuck in between the world that is and the world that will probably never be again. so...I'm floating through the day. Letting my job be mindless. I've been doing it for awhile...I can auto pilot it now. I gave up the one piece that I actually found some meaning in and that was seeing clients directly. Now I can only offer suggestions during supervision meetings to the staff who get to do the "real work."

OK....enough whining from me. I guess I just wanted a little hand holding because I feel so alone with this. The price of faking it is that the outside world sees your life as golden. And maybe it is....I'm just not feeling it right now. I'm feeling like I may be doing a little self harm this weekend.

Edited by danni
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Is it possible that the entire job situation is "doing a little self-harm"?

I know that you've considered, and rejected, changing jobs, and that you know you'll never change your boss. What occurs to me that you can control is that decision you mentioned, not to be on the front lines, making a difference. In a sense, you've removed your own reason for being there.

You know, any of those times you were away on a mission, something bad could have happened, too. One of your charges might have got hurt, an accident might have resulted in one of your clients being harmed, or something. Yet, you chose to take the risk to participate, knowing that you do more good by trying than by not.

That's what I really hope you can bring home with you.

{From someone else who values the symbolism of the yin-yang.}

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And here I am whining to you...I am always doing that. I'm sorry. ;)

I'd be more than happy to offer some hand holding and support. You have always been there for me. In fact, I can tell from your interactions with me that you are a wonderful therapist. I have no doubt of this. You're very calming and have often helped me find my way back to myself. Life is not without risk and sometimes things happen that are beyond our control. You have a gift. The best you can do is offer it. The rest is up to them. Would it be possible for you to do more hands on work like you did in Haiti from time to time? If you can't leave your job right now, is there any way to get back to doing what is meaningful to you? I hope you're okay. :o

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The work situation is quite complicated. I am certainly not the only director affected and we all seem to take turns as the target. Although I had plenty of fires to put out to get my staff feeling OK after my trip....the director of Nursing had it so much worse than I ever have!!. It's still infuriating to me that this behavior is condoned at the highest level!! It's important to me and to the other directors to be that buffer between him and our staff who are out there doing the real work. Malign, I think about taking back a small client case load but when I look at the commitment...I really don't have the time.

My work paid for my advanced degree so I had to commit to 5 years with them. That will be up soon so....I don't know what will happen then. Finish the PHD? (I only have the discertation left that I can't find the motivation to finish. Research is done....just have to write the damn thing) Don't know what I'd do with it if I did. Go back to school for something I find more meaningful? Well......maybe....

finding: Yes....there are other areas in my life that do offer some respite. I took a different job ath the church I work at so in addition to directing the choirs I coordinate all music and am the piano player for all services now. I have a lot of great instrumentalists so I spend quite a bit of time orchestrating all the music we do.

The pets are also important to me. Although I wish the pup would have a little more respect for the horses! He has no concept that they are big and he is small. He has, however, learned that the cats reign supreme in the house ;)

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wow... you'd hardly know I just got back from vacation a few weeks ago. I just finished my first week of doing my job and covering for 3 other people and I am completely overwhelmed and already burned out. I got most of it done but am weary from trying to figure out how to get things done when I'm double or triple booked several times/day. This is hard for a perfectionist. Everything seems to be such a damn compromise and it seems nothing gets done the way I want or the way the clients deserve. Leaves me feeling like such a failure. I can't get it all done. I can't communicate the way I should. I can't be everything to everyone. And it's not acceptable to make a mistake anywhere!!

Anyway....I'm counting the days. 1 is back in 10 days. 1 is back in a month. Last one is back in 2.5 months.

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You sound stressed out, danni. :) The work environment you're in sounds like it is draining and mentally exhausting.

it seems nothing gets done the way I want

I can relate to that. Very frustrating!! But you're only one person and you can only do your best. Is it you that finds mistakes unacceptable? I have that problem too, at work and with my schoolwork, so I hear you. Does it help to express this?

Can you do anything to help boost your emotional energy? Puppy love perhaps?

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Yes....the need to not make mistakes is mine. I find it excruciatingly difficult.

Puppy love is good but all the extra stuff in my life that is usually offering balance actually adds more stress right now. The horses need to be fed, puppy needs to be walked. My other job at church has increased. I still direct the choir but now I coordinate all the music as well. So, now during lent there's extra services to not only find music for but to orchestrate it for the additional musicians. It's hard to be at all creative when feeling this stressed. This weekend I need to accomplish both of the next two weeks because I'm on call next weekend and that can be so unpredictable. It can be fairly quiet or there can be many in crisis.

Yes.....stressed. Feels like it's beyond my capacity to handle it at the moment.

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