Did one thing now paying

[Leo1954]

I called the person early this afternoon i was actually not scared to do it

but as soon as i heard his voice i felt not scared but paralyzed to talk. I blocked my no. So he couldn't get my no. I couldn't talk words would not come out. Now i am thinking why did i do this? Am i punishing myself to do this? I know he will never say he is sorry. He is evidently still overpowering me.

I half to do something because now i have let you know what has happened.

I feel lke a hollow person for along time. Of course in the outside world i hear i don't think i could handle it [meaning my daughters disabilities] i know i am switching subjects. I have to for a while to protect myself.

I now have to work on a plan to figure out now that i have told i have to do something. I don't exactly what. With what i would like to do i am just not ready to go to prison! Why can't i just make it go away?

Got to go my thinking process is off have to go and hide.

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

Hi Leo,

that was a good idea, to call him first. Now you know what this feels like, but he doesn't know anything about you. Have you thought about what you wanted to say to him? This must be very difficult and I think maybe you didn't say anything, because talking to him would be a little like entering a relationship he isn't worthy of?

Maybe what you have to do is to think of yourself first and not him. Take all the time you need to come to terms with your past and with telling people about it and find the acceptance of yourself that you need.

On a different note, I assume there is no genetic evidence left that your lawer could have used to make an easier legal case. I don't think you're a bad person for what you had to do. I think it was necessary for you to cope with a horrible situation.

I hope you feel less vulnerable soon.

S.

[Leo1954]

I rode by his house today he is about 25 minutes from here just sat and thought for a while. When i drove off i kind of smiled and thought i have to win & fight.

No there is no genetics between what happened we are not related in any way he was somebody i thought i could never be scared of [ha ha]

i have trust issues with people male or female. I am so leary that i completely have no friends i trust but one 2500 miles away & one friend here

she knows that i am bipolar and she knows i have other issues. She is younger than me but when we met we clicked. We met where i use to live.

I want to get rid of these feelings i don't really have time to think except when i talk here.

My mom is moving to a nursing home from richmond to here on tuesday i did succed on hiring her a good lawyer and he worked fast to get her here

my daughter is starting chemo. Pills her injections that i have been giving her have been recalled because a batch was found with contamination now what! Can't take it out of her just got a call this morning & registered letter see that's what i'm trying to say why her?

I just don't understand. I don't know what to do my life is something i have fought for & for her but enough is enough!