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Completely Overwhelmed by Pain & Depression


Rapha

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Sorry it has taken so long to post. My wife and I did not come to agreement on what to do, so our employer legally had to let the disability application proceed. But my wife wrote an email telling our HR people about my friendship with the lady who has been so helpful to me (who is on the other side of the world by the way). I do need to say in all fairness that my affection for this person had grown beyond my feelings for my wife and I have no idea what to do with that.

Anyway, I was doing so poorly before that that when my wife showed me the email, I cracked. I'm fearful that my employer, being a Christian organization, may deny disability now based upon my feelings. I have no idea about legalities, but I know that they are consulting with one of their lawyers about the situation. Anyway, I'm getting the cart before the horse. When I cracked I had serious thoughts about taking my life. I was fearful I would overdose or drive my car into something. So I immediately went to the stress center (this was on Monday, April 11) and was put on a wing where most of the others were there for the same reason as I. It was while I was in the hospital that my wife told me about the lawyer being consulted.

I was in for 8 days. I was put on totally different meds. When I got home last Tuesday I had just ramped up to full doses. I was exhausted from the stay but no longer suicidal. I've been in bed ever since in complete despondency. Today was the first day that was a little better. I think the ADs may be starting to kick in finally.

My wife and I will have a conference call with our employer later this week I think. While I am dreading it, I think I'm a little bit more ready now than I've been for the past two weeks. Normally an optimistic person, I guess I've become more pessimistic in recent times and have a tendency to expect the worst now. We'll see.

Thank you all for your love, care and concern. It is very comforting to know that you are pulling for me.

---Rapha

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi Rapha,

It certainly seems to me that you have a good disability case.

Sorry to hear about these terrible things. I assume this makes you feel quite depressed, in addition to your overall problems. Severe stress is a terrible thing to have to experience.

Allan

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Guest SomethingOrOther

Hi Rapha,

it's good your case can proceed and your wifes power games seem ridiculous to me. It's understandable that you can't muster a lot of affection for your wife under these circumstances. I hope the new meds will work well for you.

S.

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Wow brother - it's good to see you back here - lotta people worrying about you!

I canna belive it - you were in the hospital and your "wife" brings you news of lawyers etc - I will bite my tongue. Okay so she's not too happy about you liking another woman on the net but hell why does she work against you in everything you do - it sounds like she is trying her darndest to make your life a livin misery!

Do you have support from anybody that wont judge you - that will support you cos that's what lovin people do? Are you gettin support in therapy?

You have friends here Rapha - hang on brother - you seem like a very intelligent genuine person - hope you can see that man!!

****

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Duh stupid question maybe but I just reread your post brother.

What does your affection for a lady on the net who has helped you got to do with whether you qualify for disability or not?? Does being disabled mean you're not capable of having a heart? Confused man?

And hey - you got a heart - welcome to the human race man!! :(

****

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Hi!

Rahpa

I really haven't been on here for 2 day much I am so sorry for what your so called---wife

has done to you. You to me would be a beautiful husband that many women would cherish.

For you to get on here and ask for support as a woman [of course myself] tells me that I think you are a wonderful caring man.

For her to do what she has done & then call lawyers in while you're in the hospital is definitely pretty s-----. You worked for a Christian based organizetion? As I have been told way & above condradicting themselves posing as if we are not a Christian we are going to hell right now I might be going through hell in my personal life but, in my eyes you're living in pure hell. I Just want you to know for myself and others on here it's a pleasure in my eyes to talk to you. I wish I could be there as a friend for you & back you up. You better be getting disability if they turn you down the first time because sometimes it happens you keep appealing you definitely deserve it I can't imagine the physical pain & on top of it going through mental anguish. SHAME ON HER!!!!!

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Rapha,

If they deny you disability for affection (intense gratitude) for somebody who has helped you, then I would question whether they are truly a Christian organization. I may not have the wording completely right and correct me if I'm wrong, but according to Christianity, aren't we all born sinners? And didn't Jesus die to save you from your sins? Doesn't it also say in the bible, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone"? I don't know if there's an exhaustive list of sins somewhere, but according to the ten commandments, it doesn't appear you've done anything wrong.

So if they're going to use your own faith against you, I say there's lots of stuff in the bible to support your case. On second thoughts though, perhaps sticking to the legal basis is better as they are probably so far offside bringing religion into whether or not you get paid disability that you probably don't need to worry.

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Hi Rapha,

I agree that your situation sounds awful. Your wife seems to be working against you. Why is that?

Based on what you have written, total disability seems to make sense, at least in my opinion. Constant pain like you have really makes it impossible to work.

By the way, it seems to me that your most serious diagnosis has to do with the pain and that the paint is a major cause of your problems. Who wouldn't be depressed with that much pain?

I wonder, given the state of your physical health, why have you been given those diagnoses: Major Depression, etc?

Please, let us know how things went for you?

Allan

Sorry I never responded to your question, Allan. I became very depressed back in 1999. I still functioned, but was quite inconsistent at work and at home. Unfortunately I wasn't treated for this depression until late 2002. I have never come out of this depression, though it lessened with meds.

The chronic pain worsened considerably in 2008, and the September 2008 neck surgery that relieved a pinched nerve left me physically weak and in great pain for quite a long time. When I went back to work in January 2009, I could work only two hours a day at the most. By March I hit complete bottom. I could not multi-task at all, due I believe to the pain, so many years of depression in a row, and the inability to concentrate. I was mentally and emotionally totally overwhelmed and completely out of gas. Sheer total exhaustion.

I have felt an incredible amount of stress since early 2009 because I couldn't see how I would ever be able to keep my job/hold another job and provide for my family. My "bad" therapist in 2010 said I was "a total frickin' mess". He was right. It was so sad. Through much of 2009 I remember only being up and able to really function for several hours a day. The rest of the day I was usually lying down somewhere. I ate dinner with my family, but often couldn't even engage with them. I feel so bad for my children, and despite the relational problems over the past 12 years, for my wife as well. Then in October 2009 I bottomed out even worse than before (if there is such a thing). I was in total despair for the next five months. Spring/summer 2010 there was some improvement. By Octobe I was heading straight for another terrible winter when I ran into the woman from overseas on a mental health website, which turned me around so much and made this past winter so much better than the previous one.

Still I was doing poorly enough that when the three doctors evaluated me two months ago, they all recommended total disability.

So, the major depressive disorder has been with me nearly 12 years now in my opinion. The diagnosis was made 8-1/2 years ago, and I've been on an AD or ADs ever since.

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Hi!

Rapha

I really haven't been on here for 2 day much I am so sorry for what your so called---wife

has done to you. You to me would be a beautiful husband that many women would cherish.

For you to get on here and ask for support as a woman [of course myself] tells me that I think you are a wonderful caring man.

For her to do what she has done & then call lawyers in while you're in the hospital is definitely pretty s-----. You worked for a Christian based organizetion? As I have been told way & above condradicting themselves posing as if we are not a Christian we are going to hell right now I might be going through hell in my personal life but, in my eyes you're living in pure hell. I Just want you to know for myself and others on here it's a pleasure in my eyes to talk to you. I wish I could be there as a friend for you & back you up. You better be getting disability if they turn you down the first time because sometimes it happens you keep appealing you definitely deserve it I can't imagine the physical pain & on top of it going through mental anguish. SHAME ON HER!!!!!

Thank you, Leo. You are so encouraging and that means so much to me right now.

To clarify, my wife didn't call in lawyers. She just notified my employer of my Internet relationship with the overseas woman. They consulted lawyers, but I think it was not regarding this issue. I think it was probably issues of whether disability payments would remain in place if we left the organization, and also whether one of us could leave while the other stayed. The answer to both was yes.

---Rapha

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Hey brother

So you did get the disability after all? How are you feelin/do you feel about that? Are you still in contact with the international lady and did you return her love? You sure sound like youve been doin a lotta soul searchin. I get the miroring thing - i dont believe many people are lucky enough to get that in our lives. So many of us could do with having our souls reflected back at us cause so many of us can look until we're blue in the face but we cannot see.

****

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Hey brother

So you did get the disability after all? How are you feelin/do you feel about that? Are you still in contact with the international lady and did you return her love? You sure sound like youve been doin a lotta soul searchin. I get the miroring thing - i dont believe many people are lucky enough to get that in our lives. So many of us could do with having our souls reflected back at us cause so many of us can look until we're blue in the face but we cannot see.

****

Thanks for caring, hatemeds. And sorry for taking so long to reply. I wrote what follows a week ago and thought I'd posted it already.

Yes, my long term disability request has been granted. I will be re-evaluated in six months, since all three doctors that assessed me concluded I am totally disabled but that I've not reached maximum medical improvement. Two said the prognosis for improvement is guarded, the third said it is fair.

I'm happy and relieved. Also I'm glad I held my ground. My wife actually told me after disability was granted that I was right and she was wrong. I've learned a lot about myself in the past six months and see now that I can usually trust myself when I have an unwavering feeling or intuition about how to proceed. In the past, as you know, I've put too much stock in the opinions and desires of others.

Yes, I've done a lot of soul searching. I see my own instability right now. I've been through much difficulty the past three years, but this last year in particular has had such violent extremes. Before, I was just terribly depressed most of the time. This past year, I've had some really wonderful highs in addition to all the terrible lows.

I'm so physically and emotionally exhausted right now that my hands have been shaky the past several days. This could be the new meds, I imagine, or the combo of exhaustion and meds. (Or I'm just getting old. No comments, please!) So I'll keep soul searching and doing the things I've been doing since coming home from the hospital to keep getting better.

I've been uniquely blessed to have met a person who mirrors the beautiful me - and the ugly me - and who cares so deeply about me. Yes, I returned her love to the best of my abilities but often caused her pain due to my limited capacity for empathy or even functionality. And it doesn't do much good for either person to have one person letting the other down. She was hurt a number of times and trust was damaged. I would feel terrible about it each time yet continue to be inconsistent due to pain/depression/exhaustion, poor memory and/or lack of empathy. Naturally this doesn't make me feel very good about myself. But at least it's identified some things I need to work on - healing physically, healing emotionally, and empathizing with others even as I struggle through my own pain and depression.

We've agreed to go our separate ways. This is painful because of the depth and uniqueness of our bond but necessary at this time because of our personal situations.

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Hey Rapha brother Im sorry to hear that man, we all could do with people like that in our lives. They dont come along too often - me Ive never had anyone of any significance in my life other than a family that were pretty messed in many ways. Are you doin therapy right now? Can you talk about these things in therapy? How is your marriage doin?

****

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Guest SomethingOrOther

Hi Rapha,

I'm glad you got your disability money without further ado. I hope this gives you a chance to relax and feel better. Take care,

S.

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Guest ASchwartz

Rapha, I am also pleased and relieved that you are approved for you long term disability. Despite the fact that you are not feeling good I'm cheering you getting that financial support. ;) I believe (check this out to see if its true) that you may qualify for Medicare to help pay for medical costs?

Allan

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Hi Rapha,

I'm glad you got your disability money without further ado. I hope this gives you a chance to relax and feel better. Take care,

S.

Thanks, SoO. It has taken some pressure off of me, no doubt, but my marriage is still struggling and that is creating a lot of anxiety in me. I have no idea where it's going.

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I'm sorry to hear all the struggles you have had to go through Rapha. You've had to overcome many obstacles in your life, and it seems as though life keeps throwing it at you. Depression and pain are a destructive pair. I've dealt with both only a short period of 3 years or so, but I know that when I just had to deal with my depression, I could make it okay. I'd have my good days and my bad days, but overall, I led a productive life. But when pain was thrown into the mix, my world went down hill from there.

Both depression and pain take such a toll on a human being and the life we live. I know there are many days that I sit in the recliner with my jaw clenched without even knowing it to the point I get a headache, all because the pain is unbearable. It makes me irritable, even when I don't mean to be. When I say something it comes out rather harsh, even when that's not my intention. I don't mean to be grouchy, and when it comes to my beautiful children and my husband, I by no means want to say and ill word or use a wrong tone of voice. I love them, they are my life..... At the end of the day, when the kids are in bed, and I'm waiting for my husband to get home, sometimes I cry not just from the pain, but for the way pain has depressed me and affected my life. (Read my post "What do you do when it gets to the point you can't function." It will give you a better understanding of what I mean) I'll wait for three hours till my husband gets home, yet when he gets in the door, I'm an emotional wreck because I'll start asking myself why is he even with me. I'll think about the housework I didn't get done, or the laundry that's still in the hamper, a bill I forgot to send out, the dinner I skipped cooking, knowing that he deserves so much more. Some days I feel like I'm purposely trying to drive my loved ones away, simply because everyone in my past has left and not accepted me as me, and I'm just tired of waiting for them to leave too... so I guess I just try to get over with. But he stays........ he always stays....... and he helps me. A relationship can not last without compassion and understanding. It sounds as though your really in a hard spot in your marriage. That's enough to depress anyone. Hang in there rapha, but just think with a level head when it comes to making decisions about your marriage and where to go from here. Good luck and God Bless.

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