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Depression getting worse


goobertron
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Hi all, I have posted irregularly on here before, due to various problems which are all probably interlinked. I am not sure where to begin with this post as all of my thoughts are a little bit jumbled but I shall do my best. In short I believe that my feelings of depression have been triggered or at least accelerated by the splitting up from my long-term gf (20 month relationship). This occured in November 09, so despite quite a bit of time having passed the feelings of depression are getting worse. I have always had a feeling of not being worth very much and being very insecure and putting others before me. I was bullied at school quite a bit and this led to my insecurity I believe. However scooting forward in time to the relationship with my ex. Whilst I have come to accept that not all of the problems in the relationship were my fault, a lot of them were and I cannot forgive myself for some of them, especially the catalyst for the breakdown of the relationship. I admitted to her some of my sexual fantasies involved her friends and of course she was mortified by this yet still wanted to carry on the relationship but I ended it, partly through shame? Since Dec 09 we have not conversed in any way and that is probably for the best. However whilst I got over the initial shock of doing the "dumping" things began to improve for me mentally and I got on with my life. However, since Summer 2010 my mental state has begun to decline again and I find myself feeling very low a lot of the time, and not helped although through no fault of his own, my best friend at university enjoying his first relationship and everything seems to be bliss for them. I have been having counselling at uni, and whilst that helps to temporarily alleviate the problems, within a day or 2 I find myself feeling pretty low. When I look back at myself from 2008 and 2009 when I was with my gf, I seemed to be a much happier care free person than I am now. I am constantly worrying and my mild unofficial OCD seems to be getting a lot worse. I am due to graduate this summer from University, belatedly at the age of 26, yet I find myself ambivalent to this amongst many other things. I just seem to be missing something that I used to have, possible companionship. One of the major causes of the unhappines I believe, is that I still sexually fantasise about friends etc, and it scares me that I still do it, even though it was the catalyst for the breakdown my relationship with a girl who I loved. The only possible reason I can put down to my continuation of this habit is the fact I long for companionship on a physical level as well as a mental level, and if its 'done' over friends that I know it helps to make the fantasy 'real'? Everything in my recent life seems to be a struggle and it feels like I have a cloud around my head, with only occasional 'clear' moments. I do sometimes feel pretty high as well and after having done some googling, perhaps I am suffering from Atypical Depression? Any thoughts/similar stories that anyone wishes to share would be gratefully received as even though as I type this it is Mother's Day and should be a period of happiness for my Mum, I have found myself crying twice already today, after having woken up feeling atrociously low :)

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  • 2 weeks later...
Hi all, I have posted irregularly on here before, due to various problems which are all probably interlinked. I am not sure where to begin with this post as all of my thoughts are a little bit jumbled but I shall do my best. In short I believe that my feelings of depression have been triggered or at least accelerated by the splitting up from my long-term gf (20 month relationship). This occured in November 09, so despite quite a bit of time having passed the feelings of depression are getting worse. I have always had a feeling of not being worth very much and being very insecure and putting others before me. I was bullied at school quite a bit and this led to my insecurity I believe. However scooting forward in time to the relationship with my ex. Whilst I have come to accept that not all of the problems in the relationship were my fault, a lot of them were and I cannot forgive myself for some of them, especially the catalyst for the breakdown of the relationship. I admitted to her some of my sexual fantasies involved her friends and of course she was mortified by this yet still wanted to carry on the relationship but I ended it, partly through shame? Since Dec 09 we have not conversed in any way and that is probably for the best. However whilst I got over the initial shock of doing the "dumping" things began to improve for me mentally and I got on with my life. However, since Summer 2010 my mental state has begun to decline again and I find myself feeling very low a lot of the time, and not helped although through no fault of his own, my best friend at university enjoying his first relationship and everything seems to be bliss for them. I have been having counselling at uni, and whilst that helps to temporarily alleviate the problems, within a day or 2 I find myself feeling pretty low. When I look back at myself from 2008 and 2009 when I was with my gf, I seemed to be a much happier care free person than I am now. I am constantly worrying and my mild unofficial OCD seems to be getting a lot worse. I am due to graduate this summer from University, belatedly at the age of 26, yet I find myself ambivalent to this amongst many other things. I just seem to be missing something that I used to have, possible companionship. One of the major causes of the unhappines I believe, is that I still sexually fantasise about friends etc, and it scares me that I still do it, even though it was the catalyst for the breakdown my relationship with a girl who I loved. The only possible reason I can put down to my continuation of this habit is the fact I long for companionship on a physical level as well as a mental level, and if its 'done' over friends that I know it helps to make the fantasy 'real'? Everything in my recent life seems to be a struggle and it feels like I have a cloud around my head, with only occasional 'clear' moments. I do sometimes feel pretty high as well and after having done some googling, perhaps I am suffering from Atypical Depression? Any thoughts/similar stories that anyone wishes to share would be gratefully received as even though as I type this it is Mother's Day and should be a period of happiness for my Mum, I have found myself crying twice already today, after having woken up feeling atrociously low :)

Hi, GT. I'm truly sorry to hear that you're going through such a rough spot. It seems like you're putting a lot of stock into your relationships. Is this accurate? Unfortunately, when people invest too much of their self-esteem in a relationship, the partner might actually, ironically, break up with them, because he or she resents the responsibility of bolstering your ego. Self-esteem doesn't come from anything external, not even from relationships. We're relational beings but we need to be comfortable by ourselves, too. Read "Intimate Connections" by David Burns. You can probably find it at the library.

Take care, G.

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Hi goobertron,

n many ways I feel similar and as Gayle said you have to try to move away from the idea of having someone else complete you. (I will admit I am not yet really capable of this yet, but i am working on it.)

Are you seeing a therapist? I think you may want to see about that.

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