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I am tired of life


sadgreeneyes
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My husband has tortured me played the push me pull you game saying no he doesnt want divorce then when I have agree to talk online with him again he has threw in my face he wants divorce as its best for both. He found out about the case took longer time again and now he keeps on harassing me saying he wont talk about the divorce again. He rip my soul in two over and over again, even talked normal for 2 hours nearly saying I would come to see him talked sexually and stuff, then rang me later saying he wanted divorce again and would go file for divorce this week. I cry much and I have serious thoughts of not leaving back to my country again. I think he is about to divorce me so I dont know why he keeps on torturing me.

He said yesterday that he say he wants divorce because of the time, he´s not patient, saying he wouldnt say it again he wants divorce, also said if he did I must not turn my back against him. I said so I should take his hurtful words number of times, I said how it hurts me, he said he knew it hurt me, I asked him did he want to hurt me, he said no not from the inside??? so yes on the outside??? he said he would never say it again, then he rang same night after talking two hours how I would come see him, then he rang later telling me he wanted divorce again, he has done this push me pull me 5 times now and my soul is stabbed more and more each time. Now he wants talk again, about what?? he said he promised not talk about the divorce, I said if he do I shut down yahoo again right away, I said I have no health to take more pain.

I dont care what happen to me in Amman, I hope something happen and I really dont care anymore, I want to escape my pain. I have thoughts maybe I will die down there, be raped abducted, left alone or find peace.

I plan I will do this, be left in Amman not going home again. I have thougths selling my stuff because I dont need anything anymore. I dont care anymore. I am tired.

Edited by sadgreeneyes
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Guest ASchwartz

Hi Sadgreeneyes,

I agree with Darkness. Don't throw your life away because of this man. I know divorce is difficult but, afterward, there are other, better men. Why hurt yourself because of him? You are right, he keeps hurting you. Why stay with a man who does that to you?

I am sorry you are going through so much pain. I know its awful for you but you have friends here who care about you. Please protect and take care of your self.

What do you think?

Allan

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I understand how devastating the end of this relationship must feel for you, SGE. It seems especially difficult when there has been such inconsistency in his behaviors. Maybe the time has come to get back to yourself. Discover what brings you joy outside of relationships. Recognize your gifts and where you want to go from here in life. A place to move forward...What do you think? I understand that you must grieve the end of this relationship, but I hope that you can see that there is the possibility of light in the road ahead. You have to keep on living life in order to see the potentials, though. How are you feeling today?

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I´m still here, I guess only because I dont have any anti depressive medicines to swallow to die. I still feel suicidal back in my mind. Like it can just pop out. He did the same two times more yesterday, said he would have divorce, tortured me, hurt me with his words, he didnt even want me to go to Amman alone. Then he continued with the divorce telling me something I dont remember right now, and left me. I cried 20 minutes without txt him, then he calls me half hour later saying he didnt want to leave me, when I came online again hopeful he said he wouldnt leave me because everytime he walked away his mind said no he does a mistake leaving me maybe, so he would not leave me as this is what I wanted, told me he does care for me, when I was happy he said he cared for me, he started throw in my face that the last two weeks his parents wanted him to marry girl from own country ( had always wanted it and not to leave his country) and said his mothers soul crying, he couldnt say no to his mother, her crying and pain was different from mine, because she was his mother, you knowhow is to have mother ( he knew I lost my mother at age 4,but now concern for me ) saying he had to divorce and that he got me back on cam to tell me this so I should not think of him as a person without heart, I had to understand. He didnt hear me when I said he called me saying he wouldnt leave me, he has done this to me 7 times. Why did he have to torture me 7 times? to hurt me as much as he possible could?? told me to not please txt him again. He couldnt say no to his parents.

I asked him 2 days ago if he had talked with his parents about divorce, he said he had not said anything to them. Still the last two weeks he had heard from parents this.

He said he would never cry if his wife left him. So he would never cry if he lost me :( He said if his brother said he never wanted to talk with him again he would never cry or be sad. He said this was normal, he said he was thinking normal and I didnt. He asked me why I was crying, why I was such a weak person. He said he didnt want me cry over him. He said he he wanted to explode because of this situation and his life was like hell now.

If he really loved me he wouldnt say that. He could continue if he wanted. He just left me because of time and use me.

Even hurt me with saying he was afraid divorcing me here in my country, when I said why he just came with what if someone married for visa, said he didnt, its like he wanted to hurt me put in my mind I was used for visa. Didnt care he dumped me, the trip, the gifts I had bought to him and parents.

He continued hurting me saying arab people was better than other people. When I said God created everyone the same he said no its not true. He said arab were better people. He also said yes he think he is better than me. Then he said most arabs are better than others. On txt he said I was better than him as I txt him say and he say he is better than me. How can someone be so cruel? hurt me so much?

I cried last night and I cried today. Then in the afternoon I wanted to test him, saying I had the money very soon, the money I needed to get him here, as I thought he sure call me right away, he did. I didnt pick up the phone, but txt him. He txt me. Seemed like all he cared about was time and money. When he heard I had the money he said he lied about his parents because he wanted me to accept the divorce. So he lies and lies and hurt me. And him saying it was to accept the divorce is weird as I one time earlier said just go divorce and shut down yahoo myself, but this was the day before he would know did I get the money. Next day he wanted divorce again as he heard it took till august and apply for the money. And today I said on last txt to him that he could divorce as I told him he said yesterday we are finish, and I said I now know who he is. I also, on the earlier txts,said he abused me and used me and stabbed my heart my soul to bleed. And I said I hope he was proud of himself for battering me soul dead.

So 3 hours later I txt him say I have the money, he called, I didnt pick up the phone as I knew I tested him only, when I said I tested him I didnt have the money now, I said I bet he never call me again. When he understood I had been testing him he said and you know what he didnt lie about his parents they really wanted him to marry girl from their country and he said yes to them. I said he could divorce in all this and that I knew who he now was. I said he cannot hurt me as what matters is he never cared about me. This was the last txts.

Again I need reassurance this man is an abuser?? Its not normal to treat someone like this? have I done something wrong saying I loved him and that I´m grieving.

Please help me, tell me how can someone be so heartless? tell me what you think about him. I need much assurance he abused me.

Why did he want to hurt me so much?? he battered my soul to bleed, cry, torture me because I didnt have the money when he wanted it.

I dont want to talk with anyone in real, I isolate myself. Wish I could be rest at peace not awake. I have to go to Amman because of the money. But it will be very hard for me. I prayed to God to let me die.

Edited by sadgreeneyes
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Oh my god, I cant take it anymore ( I´m crying I cant breath), its four hours since we txt and he txt me again saying how much he cares about me and that I didnt know how I killed him with my sms.

I said back how he killed me with his words leaving me and that he didnt know how much I love him and that if he loved me he wouldnt leave. Then he said he wont leave me, I said really?? as before :( and he said yes this is the truth and apologized he lied about his parents. I said thank you and that I couldnt live without him, I said I was sorry too and he said baby again that I was welcome he wouldnt leave me ( I know how it sounds, to throw up off I know)and that we will talk online again, told me to smile again.

My god, I cant leave him and I cry now, still cry so much. I´m scared. Its so hard to lose him:(

Later I wrote him I found out I can apply for the money myself tomorrow and that I would do that. I had so much hope for us. I ddnt hear from him.

Edited by sadgreeneyes
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And when he made me happy again yesterday he txt me today early saying he had problems with his parents again and really had to divorce. Again he hurt me. I get stabbed over and over, start crying the same pain over and over. I have cried so much and txt him thank you I was used for visa and I was crying on txts how could he leave me, that I could never leave him, that I would give my life for him. I said last I will not disturb him again. He hasnt txt me back.

He didnt even care I could apply for the money today as I told him.

How can he be so mean to me? how can he say all the cruel things and show to me I was used for visa. Thats how it looks like.

How can someone be so cruel? how can he do this to me 12 times now in a row? and its not only the last two weeks he has been cruel, he started over two months ago, the time I had problems with the money threatening me with marriage without affection, and then with no kids. Actually from the start saying he didnt want to make love with me. And in december he didnt want me to come down see him. Like he knew all the time.

He even 3 days ago said he wanted me to do sexually stuff for him alone if the room when I came. Said he wanted me to do blowjob hard and to lick his balls. I didnt know what to think about the latter he said. Talked about my new underwear again and said I shouldnt worry he wouldnt make love with me. Like it all was back to how it was me coming down. And he started all this by himself.

How can he say this to me and then just turn around wanting divorce again, how can he do this to me?

How can someone be so cruel? how can someone have heart to treat his wife like this? how can a family do this? they claim they have faith Allah but I see non of it through my mans action and words. And not his family either as quran faith is nothing of what my husband and what he tells me his family does.

Quran tells husband to treat wife as himself, to be good to her in every way and Allah will reward him. Quran tells husband to cherish his wife. Quran tells divorce is a sin and should not be done unless than for adultery. Quran says divorce is a sin, like the Bible. Quran says the one who divorce his wife other than adultery commit a sin both to himself and to his wife. And my husband leaves me in sin. A muslim teaching book by yasir qadhi tells that husband and wife are like garment for each other. Affection , love and closeness. Everything my husband threatened me with two months ago and never gave me.

How can someone claim their faith and use someone for visa and throw his wife away?

If you love someone no one could ever do this. True love could never treat someone like this. True love keeps together, work together, love and help each other, and never loses hope, never stops being patient and never gives up.

If family was good people they could never say to son divorce or all of them use me for visa.

I told him non of his family had any Allah and pointed out what the quran says. People with faith in Allah fear Allah. And my man do opposite of Allahs teachings husband/wife.

How can someone be so evil? :) to me it is evil. I could never do this to anyone. It would rip my heart in two to hurt another person like he has hurt me.

Would it be so difficult to say I will work with you honey, I will wait and be patient and would it be so difficult to say come here and see me, I miss you so much and need to see you, would that be so difficult if you loved someone? no it wouldnt.

Edited by sadgreeneyes
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From what you have been writing, I agree that his behavior is erratic and inconsistent. I know this must be very confusing and painful for you, SGE. None of us can really speculate as to why he behaves the way he does, though. My concern right now in this is you. At this point in time, you are 100% focused on everything around this relationship. I am concerned about how this may be affecting you. This type of emotional roller coaster ride is not healthy for you, greeneyes. I apologize if I'm forgetting, but do you have any means of support in your life besides this man? Is there some way today that you can take a step back and not think about this? Try breathing some life into another area of your life. Do you have any calming methods? I'm concerned. :)

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Thanks IrmaJean for being here and reading my post even they are long and for replying to me, I was so mixed up in my posts I wrote and saw your reply now.

Why is he doing this, its so painful and so unfair. It really hurts. I have been crying, out a voice inside of me crying to God how can he leave me, how can someone do this. I kneeled before my Jesus statue and two angels yesterday and prayed to God to bless the marriage even how cruel he has been to me. I cried and cried. I cant even say with words how much pain he has given me. Its beyond anything I have ever experienced. He knew from before how scared I was of being abandoned. He has raped my soul. My soul is crying.

My sister txt but I told her to leave me alone for some months as I am not good. Didnt tell her why. My father who threw me out at age 15 and never cared since called same day but I didnt pick up the phone and txt him to leave me alone for some months as I told my sis. Didnt say why and will never say why to anyone of them.

I am scared I´ll cry and cry in Amman, I am alone, my husband has left me, why he had to leave me right before my trip to go see him, he know I am on my own down there all alone not knowing the language. And I booked hotel yesterday in case he would turn around again divorcing me. Amman is two hours away from his city.

I even had a one second dream and my lips were moving reading a txt from him saying in english and french he couldnt complete and a quick fix, wanting divorce, when I woke up later the txt I had been reading in my dream was on my phone. I could feel the warning before I grabbed my phone. I dont want to see his divorce messages. It hurts me and I dont know what I do if he txt me saying the divorce is done. I will cry and I dont know what more.

I am concerned too IrmaJean, I dont know what to do. I feel not quite myself. I feel I cant handle this loss. I wonder will I hear from him again :)

Edited by sadgreeneyes
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I hate to say it but he is just like my ex, and your much like I am in regards to the relationship. Months after my last message to her.. I realize we could never be happy together. He is playing with your emotions.. likely on accident.. but he is. It is torture. Look at what it is doing to you. I know you love him and fear being alone. I loved her... part of me still has feelings.. mixed with hate.

But there comes a time when you have to ask yourself.. how can it work?

This is a pattern sadgreeneyes, it will keep repeating.. like it did with me.

You deserve better. I deserved better. I ache from being alone now, yes it is difficult.. but I was alone even when I was still talking to her. Only difference is now I have the chance to heal instead of get worse.

Hard choice, hardest choice of my life but it was the choice that needed to be made. It is emotional abuse we went through.. and for us with our past it is devastating.

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Thank you random for your reply,

I sat in the kitchen holding my Jesus statue close to my heart for half hour, I felt at peace little and I asked myself it must be emotional abuse because he has abused me long time. I thought of all the bad things he has said to hurt me and I virtually imagined if all his words were stitched around on the walls and closets, like in a horror movie, it would fill the whole kitchen. I was thinking it must be he abuses me. When you say this is a pattern, do you mean with him, that he will continue? Do you think this was the last txt from him? why would he play with my emotions like this?

You say he does it by accident...I feel he does it by accident too. Because why does he do this to me 12 times. That is very much. 12 times in two weeks.

I dont deserve this. And neither did you. And yes it is emotional abuse. It must be. It is devastating for us who has gone through so much pain in life. And he ask me what I´m crying for, why I am such a weak person, saying he wouldnt cry if his wife left him or if his brother didnt want to talk with him anymore. Saying this was the normal and I was not. When I said he was only trying to brainwash me with this, he denied it.

I think I might not hear from him again.

Edited by sadgreeneyes
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I am just someone struggling to understand life just as you. I don't have all the answers.

I couldn't say if he is doing the on purpose or not, like I couldn't say if my ex hurt me on purpose or not. All I can do is tell you what I have learned from a very similar experience. For me it was a pattern.. and I know because I went through it for about 2 years! You said yourself they are the same we are the same.

I had problems, she had problems. Both different but when combined it made it impossible for us to work things out. I tried my best.. you know I did.

My advice ask yourself what would you say to me.. what do you feel I should do when I was at the spot you are now. That is what your inner feelings are.. what you want for your life.

But honestly she was just as cruel at the end as he is to you right now.

Said near the same type of things. Saying she couldn't even be friends with me "the way I am"

She sure was friendly enough to take my money and not give it back.

Same type of counter thoughts you can make to give you peace if you need it.

So you can know in your heart it is mainly his issues not yours.

Edited by randomperson
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I know you did your best random and I remember my advice to you. Its just so difficult to see it when it is oneself, its so easy to see the hurt when it is others, I think because we want to be in denial what is going on and how we are treated. Like I know he treats me horrible, but I guess I try to ignore the reality even the reality is there.

I do of course wonder will he continue as he has done it so many times,but this last time he wrote my name full out for the first time, it sounded more serious when he for the fist time used my real name, he has never said my name before or written it on txt, so I feel it was the last time. But I dont know.

Yes, it is their issues. And it is emotional abuse. Abusers take what they can get without thinking about how it affects others.

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You are to the spot where I was when it was about over. Because you know the truth in your heart I can tell. Please be at peace knowing he is just causing you pain right now and look at the progress I have made.. how I was able to at least regain some sanity after I left her for good and let it give you hope.

Half being with her like I was was ripping me up inside because I wanted to give my heart to her but knew I couldn't.

Someone wrote the one who is worth your tears won't make you cry.

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Its so sad, I feel your pain and it kills me that good people like us should have to go through so much pain and how people who say they love us can hurt us the most in such a cruel way.

We know we could never treat anyone so cruel. You can wonder where is the heart of this person. Where is the empathy and feelings they claim they have.

My husband said he loved me just one week ago but still treat me like this.

Do you know, I was just going to quote you to the member "getting there" what you said in an earlier post, and what you say now, that " the one who is worth your tears wont make you cry". But I didnt write.

It is very true words. And for me its like sad words too in another sense.

And someone also said ( I dont remember the formulation right) but something like this, that " the ones who love you will make an effort being in your life" If they didnt they didnt care.

Edited by sadgreeneyes
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Its a miracle I´m still up, writing here helps me much, so I am very thankful to be supported here. If I didnt have this board I dont know where I would be now. I am scared to be alone without support. It feels good to get validated whats going on. Because the few people I have in my life arent able to be supportive in the healthy way. And I feel I would be even more depressed calling the hospital as I would be laying in a room there alone without this support I get here.

Edited by sadgreeneyes
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The good news that should give you hope, the wound is just starting to scab over. What she did will always be there always hurt me the pain was so deep.. but I am starting to get better, and I think you can see it.

I did go on a date with someone I would have been happy with recently.

Rejected again lol.. but it showed me life can go on. That meant the world to me. So grateful to that woman for going out with me. Funny thing is she rejected me but in a proper manner and it hurt but wasn't mean and nasty. She wasn't using me like what I had experienced. Like what you are going through. It was just what I needed to show me how horrible all that I went through was!

Edited by randomperson
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I can read by your post you are getting better, even that you did go out on a date is hugh step. It means that you see hope. And even it hurts us to get rejected, it wasnt nasty and mean.

But when your own husband treats you the way like mine does and the way your ex was, when people have took a year or several years of one life and claim they love you and then abuse and then leave that is just evil.

That my own husband can do this, he committed to me and abused and used me. And threw me in the trash. I told him.

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I did the same thing you did. Said out loud and to myself she was mean and nasty, and abuser. One day I realized.. say she did take me back how could I live with her if I am saying and thinking all these things be it true or not. The pain and distrust between us grew to a level where even if we both wanted to it couldn't be repaired. In my heart I knew it was over and the next issue that popped up it all came out.. ended in a big fight between me and their family. If I wanted to they wouldn't talk to me now. As time passes though I am glad it is over.

Edited by randomperson
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I think exactly the same, if he did come back how can the hurt, lies and broken trust he has created and given me possible be repaired. If someone loved us in the first place they would never break that trust. They would be scared to death to break that trust in fear of losing the one they love.

I am even more tired. I got in touch with the tourist man who offered to help me in Amman, he turned out after half hour to be a disgusting sex perverted man who slept with many of the tourists and said lots of sick opinions about love and marriage. Said hurtful thing that arab men would marry 18 to 23 year old girls. Even he said how attractive and beautiful I was that didnt make me feel better. And I belived he would take care of me. Thank God I didnt change my plans staying at the hotel in the center of Amman or he might had raped me for each place he would take me. Even he said huuffffff to all the things my husband has done to me and how he felt sorry for me, he had no right to treat me like this and think I would be happy used for sex for his gratification. And he told me to be careful with flirty men and diseases before he exposed himself! Who did he think I was, a whore. My God! Ending in him ask did I like big size. I said I had to go sleep. Gossh!

He didnt respect my grieving and even he didnt say it literally he thought I was a woman/whore to have sex with down there. How nice. He was sick in mind. And talked about my husband so I should forget him now like come and be with me. How disrespectful of him and I am grieving:(

Now I have no one to help me down there. Its always like that with me, the people I think are nice just want to hurt me or use me. And he said to me to be careful with men down there. hello! was he the one to say that. I think not.

People are really evil.

Edited by sadgreeneyes
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Yes, I will be careful, I still havent heard anything from my husband, I am so depressed, I wonder how I will be able to function down there at all.

I am sinking into a deeper depression, feel I am not able to open my mouth and talk to anyone again, just want to be left alone) I´m not eating well, have lost even more weight, today I have to go to the shop, but I wish I didnt have to.

What he has done to my soul feels more than I can bear.

Edited by sadgreeneyes
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Why don't you just come back and be with your family and friends?

It takes time to get over the pain. But trust me as you start to heal, the hurt turns more into anger. Then I heard it turns into acceptance and moving forward. It is like going through a death like Allan told me once. Don't let him hurt you more than he has, it is not effecting him just you. Eat, try to sleep.

Do things YOU enjoy. Realize you can find much much better... and deserve better.

Part of how I healed is all the pain she kept causing. It got to be so much and so often.. at the end it was more painful to keep trying than to let go. I realized she was not a good person.. and when that truly sunk in I asked myself why I was letting losing her hurt me so much. I did not have a good answer. After that my love died. I still hurt but the heartache and confusion from loving an abuser started to fade.

Athena sent me an article that helped. I will paste the part that opened my eyes..

A client suffering in an abusive relationship will often look up through streaming tears after describing the abuser’s behavior and say to the psychologist,

“But I love him.”Fair enough, you might think. Offer love in spite of the abuse. After all, aren’t we told since childhood to “Do to others as you would have them do to you”? Isn’t that what love is?

Well, it is true that many saintly individuals have patiently suffered through difficult marriages. But saintly individuals do not need psychologists. If the abuse gets violent, police protection may be needed, but no one who understands true love will ever have to sit in front of a psychologist offering excuses.

Excuses serve to justify repeated behavior. And, as Freud discovered, repitition is the return of the repressed. What, then, is this repressedwhich keeps getting repeated?

It can’t be love because true love can never be repressed.

The repressed is desire, and in abusive relationships it is a desire often hidden in plain sight. It’s the desire to receive what you are futilely trying to give away.

It’s the desire to be wanted. And it’s such a desperate desire that you will suffer almost anything—from one failed “lover” to another—to maintain the illusion that someone wants you.

Edited by randomperson
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I dont have any family, only a sister who isnt healthy herself to support me and she has had a tendency sometimes to be abusive herself. My friend is struggling with abuse herself and cannot be of any support. So I am alone.

Its like a death. And I have lost many, he promised he wouldnt leave me, to abandon me. I still havent done anything her at home.

I sat in the kitchen again imaging me all the hurtful words he has said stitched on the walls and closets. Would it help me be angry or more angry, I dont know.

I try to see he is a bad person, but then I see this innocent puppy face he has sometimes. Wondering who I see, who is the real one. He cant be both.

One of the masks are false. And it must be the innocent face that is false.

A good article and I could feel it made sense, this desire, as we long for receiving the love we try to give away, to be loved. Its an eternal struggle that seems impossible to let go of.

Edited by sadgreeneyes
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Guest ASchwartz

Sadgreeneyes,

Never make any judgments of another person based on his having a "puppy face." Also, you need to try to make some new friends and imagine being with a new man, a better man. Most of all, you need to give yourself hope for your life.

What things do you do during the day? How do you keep busy. Are there things you enjoy?

Allan

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