Lost

[Waiting]

I m lost.

All through my trials and tribulations, what has kept me going is the realization that at some point I would be back with her. Arrests, charges, court, delays, delays and more delays, being fired and an ugly divorce. I could deal with that because I could see a light at the end of the tunnel, but now it is gone.

My girlfriend left me. I don't blame her. This more than anyone should have to endure. The stress and delays was too much. To survive she blocked out the love. She is my friend and will always be, but at the moment that doesn't cut it. My future is gone. The guiding light is out. I have no idea where to go or what to do.

I am lost.

[LaLa]

I'm so sorry... I just want you to know I feel for you. I don't know how I could comfort you , but I still want to try to show you my point of view:

I understand why you feel lost (I would surely feel very similarly in this situation) and I'm sure this feeling will last some time :-(, but I do hope and even believe that... there will appear another light in the end of your tunel. No, I'm not talking about another girl. Rather... for instance - about your friendship. You say she "left" you, but you still have a strong relationship - it's somehow "truncated" now by this awful situation, but it still exists and can be further developed later. When I said "for instance", I meant also... that there can be some "occurrences"/"events" that are unpredictable and yet can change our lifes - sometimes very positively. (I'm sorry; it probably sounds as a too weak consolation , but... I'm worring about you and trying to use all the positive thoughts that I can find... :-( )

Hugs,

L.

P.S.: I wrote more on your blog...

[Waiting]

Thanks again Lala.

You are very ... I don't know what the word would be. Comforting is as close as I can come an yet (I am sorry to say) I do not feel comforted. Don't feel bad. I feel that you care and are trying in a way that is helpful. Even if I can't explain it, it does help.

Nothing will make me feel better right now at least not much. It will take time, I just don't know how much. I was already pretty bad.

I am thankful I am not suicidal, because I just want everything to stop and I think if I was I would be struggling with that.

[LaLa]

I'm very glad to hear you're not suicidal ... I wasn't sure and somehow didn't have "the courage" to ask... I know suicidality is not "the only very serious problem", but... At least I know you're safe...

Take care,

L.

[Waiting]

Thanks.

I am safe. I don't think I could feel less lost at times, but I do the best i can.

The closest to this have been strange thoughts about just wanting to go to prison so I don't need to worry about anything, or t become homeless. I know I would hate either of these and they simply seem to relate to all the pressure I am under.