Jump to content
Mental Support Community

Hopeless hope


Waiting
 Share

Recommended Posts

I have been/was in a relationship for over three years. SHe and I have the most wonderful connection. It has been troubled by outside influences. Namely my arrest, being fired etc. My partner and I were separated by bail conditions.

My partner is very young and has the capacity to dampen her emotions to a large degree. She used to be bulimic and self harming, but during the relationship those went away.

After the last crisis my partner effectively turned off her love for me, because things were too hard. She is dating other people, but I spoke with her once and although she claims she is happy she admits that she lets nothing get to her. She also will say that she was happiest when we were together and that nothing really matters anymore. She claims everything is simply rationalization. In many ways she has done this before, but not while we were kept apart by bail conditions. I only learned about this change a few days ago.

I am afraid for her and I am lost, because through all my troubles it was my love for her that kept me going. I still love her, so maybe it was a future with her that kept me going.

I am going through incredible depression right now and while this is a academic question as I can't turn off my feelings. I am seeking objective opinions on whether I should maintain hope that she may again release the lock down on her emotions. She wants to be friends and no matter how much it hurts right now to see her, I want the same. We were best friends before we became lovers.

Right now emotionally I see no future for me. I am struggling through many things right now. Before this my strength came from our relationship. I will continue to deal with my issues, but I see a very grey future ahead.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This sounds like a very difficult and painful situation for you, Waiting. :) As difficult as it is to accept right now, you can't control what choices your former girlfriend might make about your relationship. It sounds as if she is struggling with many challenges herself... It must be very hard for you to be only friends with her when you want something more. I would hate to see you holding out on life waiting for her potential return. Of course I have no way of knowing what might happen either, but it might be something to keep in mind.

If you were to paint a picture of a future you'd like to build for yourself, what would that picture look like for you? Is there one step you can take today to move forward and proactively help yourself?

I'm sorry you are hurting. :(

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Waiting, are you allowed to see her now and are you seeing her as friends? Sorry, I'm not terribly up to date on this. If so, I'm wondering if she has trouble maintaining connections in intimate relationships. I recently discovered that I have this problem. An apathy sets in after a while. I've had lifelong depression, I don't know if that's part of it. It makes sense. I am usually very low energy when really depressed and that's when I just don't care about anything or anyone. Perhaps somebody new perks her up and she can maintain an interest for a while but are these relationships actually lasting for her? Maybe you could ask her how she's feeling and just try to get her to talk to you. It's not fun for the one who's lost interest either. She may be happy to reconnect with you if she could.

Anyway, just some thoughts. I'm so sorry that you've been waiting so long only to have this happen to you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

IrmaJean,

Right now I can't paint a picture without her. It is far too soon and I am not convinced it is over. I know I can't control her and never have even tried and I don't want to try now. I think she need to come back to life and I could see that happened and still not wanting to be with me. If she doesn't that I will worry about her. I love her, in all ways. I shall strive hard to be her friend no matter what.

Athena,

We are still not able to communicate. Odds are it will be two moths yet. When that time is up I shall communicate and see her as my friend unless she prevents it and she wishes this too. The relationships she is involve in are non-monogamous and not long term.

I do feel it is a strong possibility we shall reconnect, but I am wary of believing this or putting hope into it as it will kill me again. On the other hand she is the best friend I have ever had outside of our relationship. Right now she is rationalizing everything.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Athena,

I was thinking more about the connection in intimate connections you spoke of. She does not seem to have this in general, but when we have been a part during this troubled time she has a number of times began to rationalize away from me. It has even occurred during fights. She turns off her love or it gets lost temporarily and in that period she rationalize reasons we should not be together. She claims she is being selfish and that she turned off her love for me. She admits the happiest time in her life was when we were together, but there is a lot of stress. She was the main witness against me, not by her choice, but in law she is the complainant and victim even if she did not complain.

I dunno, but I can see that after this we will reconnect and she will "come alive" again or is it just me rationalizing? I think I am pretty good at being objective, but this is not a easy situation. I will admit I desperately want her back, but more I want her happy.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Waiting,

I'm wondering how you are even maintaining communications if you are not even allowed to communicate. I think a strong emotional connection would be next to impossible under that scenario. Maybe it's a positive that she is dating casually. Perhaps she is deep down "waiting" for you. I'm ashamed to admit it, but when I was younger and I wanted to be in a relationship, sometimes I dated guys even if I knew I would not be with them long term - while I was waiting for "Mr. Right" to come along.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I understand Athena.

Most our communications is simply statuses via other people. I am coming to grips with the dating thing, I believe it is part of the coping she is doing.

I have starting doing a bit of looking around it occurs to me she may have Borderline Personality Disorder. Still have a lot of looking to do.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't mind at all. I have very little sense of privacy. I have spoke to it numerous times, just didn't touch on it in this post.

The charge basically says a person over the age f consent, but not yet 18 is not legally allowed to consent to sex if the person is in a position of authority, trust of there is a relationship of dependency or it is an exploitive relationship. In this case the fact that we connected as friends and were helping each other with depression seems to be the main argument.

If found guilty I would be sentenced to up to five years in prison and be put on the sex offender registry. Of course my partner is fully supportive of me and is listed on the charge as the complainant even though she didn't. In fact no one really did. We were simply reported to the police by US Customs.

To make things worse for her, she as the "complainant" is the focal witness of the whole case.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

That's got to be pretty stressful and embarrassing for a girl her age.

Borderline Personalities tend to "act out" instead of verbalize their feelings. It can be caused by poor attachment (bonding) with parents in early childhood. They suffer from low self esteem and tend to find it hard to "say no" for fear of people not liking them. You may be in a wonderful position to help her, as the one thing she needs most is to have somebody accept her as she is and not abandon her. I have most of the symptoms, although have not been formally diagnosed as such. I found the attachment article on Wikipedia quite helpful. Keep reading up on BPD. I have found that talking to non-BPD friends, it is interesting to see how surprised they are what goes through my head in regards to relationships with others.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks Athena,

She had a bad childhood and she felt unloved. I have always accepted her as she was and never abandoned her. There haven been times when she felt abandoned regardless.

I will continue to be her friend and accept her. I shall never abandon her.

We will see where it goes. I will be happy if we will be very good friends and I can help her.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

aside from your argument being about how you helped her so much and loved her, if the age is not that big of a difference it could help you.

Maybe she is afraid that you will go to jail and is trying to move on.

Though she is forced to testify against you;

This sounds drastic, and I do not know how true it is or if it would be possible, but I have heard a person has the right to not testify against someone they are married to, if you understand what I am saying.

Drastic? Yes, but anyway... might be something to consider.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks Darkness,

I believe I will be fund not guilty. The ironic this is this charge is all about helping her. If I had just had sex with her there would have been no charge. The claim is by helping her, she was dependent on me.

That part of the trial is over and there were other things we could have tried that fact is our defense was to open and honest. Anything to avoid that would have been counter productive.

I am pretty sure she needed to love on to survive. To stop the pain. I am sure what you are saying is an element of that.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Athena,

I have gone through some very tough days. Nothing is really resolved yet, but I hit an emotional bottom anyway and I chose to give up any expectations of justice. I gave up on hoping and just accept what I have. I will still fight, but I will not hope for the best.

I am calm these days and sadness still hits me and even more loneliness, but I am pretty good.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have been reading on what you are going through I really or don't remember if I have talked to you.

I don't understand who is charging you? You know I'm not being a smartass [really yeah] can't she alone resecend what has happened or you know if you and she still love each other or hell even care about each other

You know there is a law that can stop each other from testifying against each other. It's a thought I think it has already been said on here but, makes good sense to me.

Believe me you can,t turn the clock back but with you there is an alternative!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Leo,

Thanks for responding, the advice and no I don't take you as being a smartass. The more dialog the better for me.

First of all I am in Canada and I don't know the laws i the states that well.

The police charged me. US customs reported us to the police because they were concerned about the age difference I guess. She can not stop the charge or it would have been stopped day 1. The charge basically states that if she s dependent on me the age of consent becomes 18 instead of the normal 16. This is the crux of the case. They contend that her and I helping each other out as friends with depression is dependence of her on me. Keep in my I have no training in counseling and was just a computer guy.

There is no way at least in Canada to prevent her from being called as a witness against me and anyways the evidence is all done. Our defense was to be open and honest. I took the stand as well.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
 Share

×
×
  • Create New...