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Now I'm Not Sure


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After I imagined I was hoping to get my mind back on track now I know it's not worth it. After reconsidering that now I have my mother here in a nursing home. I had to go to the funeral home to set up & pick out her casket. I was not prepared to [who would] do this and make all preparations on my own. It's what I have to do I know but honestly I thoight I was prepared for this with her condition but, now I know that another piece of my heart, soul, & definitely my life is ending I wish poof! and I could be with her.

When I leave this godforsaken UNIVERSE I would like to be on a beautiful mountain looking on a river I would finally be in peace. None of us know what happens when we die but in my mind I woul love the thought I just said. No more worries not afraid of people abuse, not cutting me down for how I feel or what I have to say. To me there is no such phrase as normal I at one time I thought I had it all together set for life never have to worry about money or a home and had a good marriage[1st one] beautiful children and a good career. Well I lost it all but my kids and that I wouldn't change.

Well so now what I am just existing in a shell with a life I don't desire. I know there has to be something out there anywhere that I could exist even if I could look down and see how the better half live. Could this be possible I sure would like to know how!

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Leo I wish I had all the answers and right things to say for you. As you I too will be facing that very thing with my mom as well, right now I am in such denial about it. I know that like you I will be having to do all the preparations on my own. Then the fact that what would my life be without her, my father passed away in 1983. It will be hard to imagine my life without them both.

For now, I do what I must do. I keep myself as busy as I can, I make myself stay in contact with good friends. I take time on those most difficult days to sit somewhere in the yard (weather permitting) and just quietly meditate and let my mind take me where I want..it took some practice to achieve this..but this is how I get up on the high beautiful mountain and look down on all the beautiful trees and rivers, or the beach and watch the ocean.

I wish I could give you more advice, but I can say I do understand what you are experiencing and i don't want you to feel you are alone.

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I Know it is hard isn't it I am sorry that you are going through it also. My father died in 2009 the sad thing is I was not close to my dad at all. Probably because he always told us he wish he never had kids. Plus he was having an affair with my mothers best friend. She also would go shopping with my mother and come over kie she usually did and have dinner with us. He married her and that also destroyed my relationship with him. I didn't talk to him until my son was born 13yrs. later. When he died I am sorry but it's not that I didn't care I just went on and did not shed any emotions even as of today almosy 29yrs. later. it might be wrong but that's how I feel.

My mother was my strenght at the time until she became ill. I miss her so much I will never be the same.

I am glad you also see the beautiful mountain looking down on the river. It does look peaceful It' like you don't have any worries & you Don't have any pressure to be the strong one!

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