I need some advice about BPD

[Waiting]

Never mind I am just going crazy.

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

I don't see how someone here can give you a sensible opinion on the personality of your ex girlfriend and I also don't think it's actually that relevant.

What if she has BPD? Is it easier to take her behaviour as an expression of her mental issues? You can easily shoot into your own foot, if you believe she's young and disordered, so she doesn't know what's good for her. Do you see how that backfires? I do. So, I suppose what I'm saying is that when you're already charged with betraying a position of trust, the last thing you should want is to become her psychiatrist.

Also, I wonder if an evaluation by a proper psychiatrist isn't part of the trial anyway?

[Waiting]

I am just trying understand and worried about her.

I hired a relationship expert to examine the relationship as part of my defense. The prosecution did not bring is a psychologist.

I have no intent of becoming her therapist. Right now I am just going crazy.

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

Sorry. I probably should have stayed out of this.

[Waiting]

No, it is fine. I am really just crazy atm. My mind is racing and I can't slow it down.

[mscat]

Waiting are, you talking about Borderline Personality Disorder? You edited your post , so I am, a little lost here. What I think is happening is that you suspect yur girlfriend has this ? I will go no further until I know what your talking about.. Cause when I do , I may be able to shed some light into this>

[Waiting]

Yes I am talking about Borderline Personality Disorder.

First she left me so she is no longer my gf but she is my friend and I have not given up we may get back together.

She tends to hate or love things and this can switch rapidly with her mood.

She can get angry quickly and when she does she with often shout or scream and will become hateful of the target of her rage.

She used to self harm but during our relationship that went away.

She used to be bulimic but during our relationship that went away.

She will do things on the spur of the moment and often without thinking of the risks.

She is afraid of abandonment.

She was emotionally abused by her parents.

She and I went through some terrible traumas over the last two years. And this has been a terrible strain on us both. I am in a trial that could pt me in prison and we are not allowed to see each other until the trial is over.

After the last big trauma she decided it was too much and she would better off without me. She has locked down her emotions and become very logical.

She has resumed self harm and bulimia.

I love her and want what is best for her. I am scared that this is not healthy for her. I want her back, but more I want her happy.

I want to help her when I can talk to her again and I know she wants t be my friend. She once after she left me told her friend that I have ruined her for other relationships as I set the bar too high.

I am still in pain as I only learned about this recently. I am trying to not be hopeful for a future with her, but my mind still thinks she loves me and needs me, but just can't deal with the fear and threat of me going to prison

[Athena]

Waiting, does SHE think she has a problem? If so, you could suggest that she get help. CBT, Psychoanalysis and DBT (dialectic behavior therapy) have all been recommended treatments in my reading. BPD is often confused with or commonly occurs with Bipolar. I have all the symptoms of BPD. I have tried CBT, regular Psychotherapy (1x/wk) and Psychoanalysis. CBT was helpful but the therapist was not very warm and seemed a bit judgmental - NOT a good fit especially for BPD. I found the sessions helpful at an intellectual level. I know what I'm doing now - but I am powerless to stop the behaviors because they result from attachment problems which are at a much deeper level.

Then the regular Psychotherapy i went through got off track because the person did not seem to understand cutting. Tash28's thread (how to help a person who self harms) under the SI forum would have been helpful to show to him - but i think he should have known how to deal with that behaviour so he probably wasn't a good fit.

Now that I am in Psychoanalysis and dealing with things at an emotional level, with a non-judgmental, patient therapist I am making progress. However it is a big commitment in time (3-4 sessions a week typical). If you go through GP Psychotherapy (GPPAonline.ca), you may find one who does this type of therapy or can at least do an assessment and do some form of therapy that is suitable. Sessions are all or mostly covered by OHIP. You may first consider recommending she get assessed at CAMH. I went that route and they ended up referring me to GP psychotherapy. Somebody should go with her if she goes to CAMH. If she goes in the morning it will probably take all day before somebody sees her.

This may be WAY more info than you wanted but perhaps could save her the grief I went through, including seeing a bad therapist at age 17 that did nothing but reinforce my belief that I can't trust or count on anybody, that I am completely on my own and that I should either suck it up and put up with my misery or go jump off a building. I am now almost 49.

Hope some of that helps.

[mscat]

As you found out , having a relastionship with sombody who is borderline is quite a trying experience, One day she loves you, next thing you know it she hates you. Borderline Personality, we think in black or white terms. Their is no in between , or gray areas. We are impulsive, and have a very difficult time regulating our feelings or emotions. We are risk takers, sometimes , not caring what the consequences to our behaviors cause. WE are prone to Ed's shoplifting, drugs , anything that helps us cope. It is true that we can stop some behaviors for a while, only to fall back on them later. Self harm makes us feel better, eating disorders helps us feel that we are in control. We hate being alone, yet hate having company at times of stress. Sometimes we are sucidial and can easily manipulate people that are closest to us.

Somtimes people who are borderline can function very well in society, hold down high paying jobs and are very independant. But, then their are others who are not . It is not uncommon for the person who has Borderline Personality , also has many other issues going on. Depression, anxiety top the list .

I am not sure about this court thing you are involved with , but wish you luck . Sounds like you have your hands full with your ex girlfriend. People with BP are not so great with relationships. We love , but then turn around and hate >

I have borderline personality disorder, have been diagnosed many times over, and with other stuff too. Right now for a long while have not even tried to be in a relationship , not interested because i am afraid of getting hurt.

[Waiting]

Thanks Athena and mscat,

This is helpful and for me there is no such thing as too much information.

She does not think she has a problem at least not one she can't handle. She can hide it well if she wants. During our relationship she did hate me when things went bad, but I never went away and I never judged her and she always came back, she got past it.

She dumped me 6 months ago to protect herself from the pain. She shifted into a very rational approach to life. She does not hate me now and wants to be my friend, but thinks I am not the right person for her. One of the things that strikes me is that your description of the therapy that works seems a lot like our relationship. I was non-judgmental and patient. During our relationship she got past self harm and bulimia. Now it is back.

She is not remotely bipolar like, but she has depression and was emotionally abused by her parents.

[mscat]

A person can easily have BPD and depression, sometimes clinical depression, which only makes it harder for the person to cope. She needs therapy. And possibly medication to control the depression.

[Waiting]

Thanks Mcat,

When i can talk with her i will do my best to get her to seek help.

[Athena]

I was non-judgmental and patient. During our relationship she got past self harm and bulimia. Now it is back.

She is not remotely bipolar like, but she has depression and was emotionally abused by her parents.

I believe that a good relationship that is very different from the one that caused the problems in the first place can in fact help a person get over their issues. I think though, that it is good to learn how people learn to verbalize their feelings. And how they bond with others (or not). Concepts like "splitting" as ms cat kind of described - black and white, all or none thinking, idealizing or demonizing. It all seems quite normal to a borderline personality. Therapy would help explain these things.

[mscat]

I've been diagnosed as BPD several times throughout the years, plus other things that are difficult to deal with. For me, I gave up having realationships with a man. I use to in my 20's be a lot different , slept with whoever was interested, all physical nothing concrete. now I am off men altogether. I think it is just part of that switiching , all or nothing thinking that is so familar with BDP.

I have read that BPD women tend to settle down in their 30's they become more stable. It has not happened yet to me though. Makes me feel like a big fat loser. ut, one good thing is that I do know I am better then I was in my 20's. Was pretty wild back then. I never even heard of BPD until my father told me that was what the dr's were saying. I guess people with bpd have to just do the best they can. Like everyone else>

[Waiting]

I am quite familiar with the black and white concept, I experienced it with her often. I told her I understood it was not her but her condition. I stayed with her and didn't judge her and she got past it. She now has another boyfriend whom she is not committed to and sleep with others often. i realize it is her BPD.

[mscat]

sorry if my last post upset you . I am sure you are familar with these type of characteristics, in BPD.

[Waiting]

Hey Mscat,

It didn't. A lot of the things you describes is what is going on now with her. I am hoping I can help her get past that, but I am not magic. I love her and it hurts me to see her this way. I have see her in better day and I want that for her again.

I am hoping when the trial is over the pressure will release and things will change - but it is wishful thinking I guess.

[Athena]

Nothing wrong with a little wishful thinking, Waiting.

[Waiting]

Nothing at all. But I hope it is more.

[hatemeds]

Hey waiting

Some of my best friends are BPD or have some BPD tendencies. The little I know it is difficult to deal with in interpersonal relationships and it can be very confusing for the person in the relationship who is one day the hotshot and can do nothing wrong and the next day the biggest demon out there! For me I have to constantly remind myself that it is not me - not about me - it is about them. You cant beat yourseelf up because of it.

It is also a difficult personality disorder to deal with in therapy? Hell sometimes a sense of humor is the only thing that preserves my questionable sanity. Nonetheless they are also some of the most special people in my life (ON A GOOD DAY ) so hang tough Waiting!

***

[Waiting]

Thanks Hatemeds,

When I was in the relationship I had no problem with - well it was not always easy, but I was able to cope.

The problem is my current situation. Legally I am not allowed to talk to her for two months and she left me 6 months ago. It seems to be this is an extended and more painful version of other episodes. The big difference being the time and my inability to talk to her. Also the fact that I knew nothing about this until just recently.

The fact is I can't just walk away from her. She has largely shut down her emotions and empathy I believe due to her fears of seeing me go to prison and the generally pain of seeing me go through everything. She has resumed self-harm and is once again bulimic. I worry about her and want her to be well again. I wish to reunite with her but this is secondary, but I feel that our relationship was the best thing that happened to her. She admits she was the happiest in her life when with me and she attributes a lot of her development to me. She also told my son that I ruined her for other relationships because i set the bar too high. She told me that life has no purpose and and that is is all rationalizations and she rationalized that I am not the best person for her. She also want to be good friends with me.

I am trapped. I love her and could not live with myself if I let this go. She has a new bf now, but she does not love him and she is not exclusive to him. I feel pulled in so many directions.

[Athena]

I think Hatemeds touched on something REALLY important - a sense of humor. In my experience, love and/or laughter have the power to get me out of the low point of the cycle. Although, as I write this, isn't that true for most people? The difference with BPD though, I think is the intensity of the emotion. Way up (can't sleep, can't settle down), or way down (to the point of SI or suicidal thoughts/plans) just doesn't allow you to function. Zero to 60 in two seconds. One moment you're fine, the next all hell breaks loose. It is next to impossible for a BPD to control these massive swings to extremes unless all drugged up and then we turn into zombies. I endeavor to live in the middle, but inevitably I fail without help. I'm getting a little better though. Love, laughter and a continual pointing out of what I am doing - seem to be the key (cardio exercise, proper diet also have a big impact).

[Waiting]

Well i do have a good sense of humor which she loves. I lived with her for 15 months before the arrest and although at times is was hard, it was the happiest time of my life.

[mscat]

My brother has a wonderful sense of humor. He has helped me get out of those days where I just do not want to deal with anything. I close down, withdrawl from the world. lights out, no lightness, or sound, shut down completely. That is one way I learned to cope with BPD. If it gets really bad, i do turn to SI , but lately been more stable. I really have to say that I gave up on relationships towards men for a while though. It only seems to complicate things. The older I get the calmer i have become. Gosh in my 20's I'd sleep with just about anyone, with no regret or feeling. Sometimes feelings if we were to get together more times. most often not. I also had an ED at that time too. So really was quite wild. First diagnosed at age 16 as BPD, then again in my late 30's. Oddly, I really did not get well along with others in between all those years, friendships or co workers always seemed to end up badly. Lot's of work, and lots of being let go. Somehow I survived. At least when I was working i kept busy, and loved my job, finally got more stable working for nearly 5years, then we got a new boss, all hell broke loose. Anther job loss. I made a big move after that, and went back to college, but again I accepted a job beneath me, and was absolutely crushed when that job went south>

i just gave up, went back into old behaviors, that only became worse and far more serious. Now, in my 40's :eek: still same old crappy shit.

I came into this world full of abuse and neglect, went to a foster home, full of a different kind of abuse> running away at 13thru16, then locked up in a mental hosptial for nearly 2 fuckin yrs. Freedom, only to slide back into severe anorexia and bulimia. Yeah life has been one really fucked up hell> sorry but it is what it is.

I just started not to give a fuck, why? should i? I really only hurt myself anyway. that seems acceptable. me Borderline? huh ! who the hell cares if I think in black or white, all or nothing terms, too thin , to too fat... I just can't crawl out of this hell. You know it really, seriously is hell. BPD, along with other crappy shit they the Psychatrists say. place me on a crap load of meds .... Yeah like that is going to do much good. whatever, I am sorry I am in a little bit of a mood tonight....

[Waiting]

Thanks Mcat,

I sorry your life has been so hard. I am glad you were frank. I want to try my best to help my friend in this time. I helped her a lot for 3 years. We worked well for three years. Maybe I cant help her anymore or right now, but she is my friend, I love her and I want to help her. I could live with myself if I didn't try.

I hope your mood improves and if you need a friend I am here.