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I need some advice about BPD


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Mscat,

You've had quite the life! I sometimes wish I had been diagnosed earlier (had borderline symptoms from age six as far as I can tell, but I don't think they diagnose people that young.). I'm still not diagnosed as such. But I did an online assessment and it's nearly a "perfect" match. Fortunately, my main coping mechanism has been to be a workaholic so I appear outwardly normal. If people only knew! Unfortunately, I finally burned out (hard to keep up the facade, I'm now 49) but people expect me to keep on being superwoman. And I get absolutely zero sympathy. Educated employable white woman? Yah, honey, get over it! Guess we all have our challenges. Hope you can get help for yours. I would think with your background, at least people would show you some compassion.

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Hi!

Mscat

I have been keeping up with your posts. I am very impressed on you being frank I feel like most not all psychiatrists want somrtimes want to keep us loaded up on meds. so they don't have to deal with us. I had a very good psych. in fact she was the first one I ever saw I began seeing her alot because no. 1 my daughters neuro.said I had to see one because he knew something had happened in my life the way I was so overprotective of my daughter at the time he knew me very well. It started when she turned 12 at the time I didn't know why I was acting that way. Until I started seeing the psych. it took her a couple of visits that I had been abused traumalicty. I thought she was in my best interest I saw her from 1993 until 2008 then she retired. Now I was so medicated that I didn't know when I was awake fully or suppose to be sleeping.

Now my story is to long to say, but in my mind I believe something that you have stated I somehow believe the meds. were her self help.

The sad thing now I have a Psychiatric Family nurse practioner m.s. lnp I don't even see her thatmuch because she is always [supposedly out of town or sick] yeah rite.

I now am just trying to function on my own I know I am slipping back to the way I had to be because if they don't care why should I?

I also have two dogs, two cats, two birds, two gerbils, & low & behold a guinea pig!

they do love you unconditionally my daughter & I know we love them as much as they love us. Thank You it feel good to me on what finally somebody said what I have felt.

I don't know if I ever stated on here at all that I have a VNS implant I was a guinea pig for that! It was a surgery that she said it would be good for me & I was the only patient that she wanted to have it done. The stupidist mistake I have ever done. I don't know if anybody on here has ever had one implanted if not I'm the professional at this one!

My daughter has seen your babies and she thinks they are so CUTE!!!!!!!!!!!

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Thank you guys for all your support. I re read my last post, and gosh, I must of been feeling angry when I wrote . I am not usually so candid about all the crap I have been through. But, Hell, it just never seems to end. I'll I can do now is stay home, where it is quiet, and in a relaxed environment. The littleset thing can stress me out. I don't seem to have that first layer skin anymore, literally as well as figurally. I see the constand reminder of the severe self injury behaviors I've done to myself everyday, it is a constant reminder, and sometimes a trigger.

I've tried to hang in there, for the sake of my autistic son> yep you read it right. i have a disablled child, who is nearing 18 years old. i raised him on my own with no assistance or support. He happens to have autism and cognitive delays, lucky me, sad for him. He can't do the things that average 17 yr old can do. He does not think like the average 17 yr old.

I do not know what will make me whole . Or if I ever could be whole again. Mentally , I just have to go on day to day, and yes, I do have a lot of medication precribed by my psychatrist. No it is not fun to read about what the psychatrist writes down on my med list why these meds are important, and what they are for. It began with the severe depression, then went into hearing, and feeling things, being at places that I was not suppose to be at, because they were not real, in my head it was, so I was losing contact with reality. That was the scary, yet oddly comforting at the same time. it just made me be placed on more meds.

At the earlist age I can remember things went south around 9yrs old. I hoarded pills around the house at a early age, took them , and it made me vomit. Could not tell anyone why I had done that, but I did not know that this one behavior would lead me into a lifetime of extreme self harming, severe eating disorders, and many DR"S and diagnoses.

Through all of that, I managed to work over 20 yrs as a preschool teacher, and was a very good one. Parents wanted me to have their children in my classroom. I was that good. I worked, full time and took care of my baby , at that time.

my baby at three started showing signs of autism, huge blow. I figured I did something wrong during pregnancy. I was underweight when I first got pregnant. The guilt was insurmountable.

It truely is amazing just how much a person can endure.

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Hi Mscat

I'm wondering if you feel the same way I do evidently I have felt the same way about my daughter maybe you have known is also disabled she has cp,epilepsy,autistic tendencies,ehlers-danlos syndrome & also intellectually disabled. I know about autisim but I know you have hell knowing that you can't do anything about it. I also have raised my daughter on my own. It's lonely and cruel out in the real world. There isn't a day that goes by that what I have done or thinking what I could do is I really don't know how to explain how i want to!

I just want you to know that your child is loved also no matter what. Bless You !

No matter what you think, what you have done, what you think is wrong or rite on how you're feeling & trying to express yourself & what you want to do later and I mean positive

GO FOR IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Thank you Leo1954. I do love my son very much. He also has cognitive delays, somewhere in the mild to moderate range. Soon he will be graduating from high school, with what's called a certifficate of completion. Not a regular diploma. Next he goes to a program for young adults 18-22 yrs old. Then on to anther program called rehab. where they teach them jon training skills, and have two different programs depending on where the adult disabled person is, and what he or she can learn. I am just starting to fill out paperwork for my son's social security. He is eligible for SSI and can still recieve benifits off my record due to the fact that I am disabled too, and collect SSDI, after all that is settled I plan to move into a larger city, so we are not so far out here in the boonies. i'd love to move before the end of the year, but that is pushing it. But if we don't move then, we can't get out until after the foggy season is over. because it is so foggy nobody can see a damn thing. That is usually over after Jan/Feb . Then this will be closer to a year.

So I have to try and control my impulses not to self harm when alone, and just turn on the TV and use the computor while my son is away. I would be able to keep the same Dr's and therapist if I move to this bigger city, but if we move out of the county I would need to find different ones. Which would be hard because I have seen the same mental health professionals a long time.

Change is difficult for both my son and i , so this would be a big one.

one thing about having a disabled child that you probably understand that it does take your mind off your own stuff. Your child comes first, no matter what. No matter what it takes. Interesting that their is anther parent on here with a disabled child, I have run accross a few parents struggling with their own personal menatl health issues, and dealing with their disabled child too.

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Yes it is strange that we have this in common as soon as I read your post my heart dropped and I felt I had to talk to you. My daughter also received a certificate for attending school. She was in the rehab. for teaching and helping her get work on the outside she also would have a case worker look out for her when she needed her.

The sad thing when she got seriously ill last Sept. everything in her life changed it pwill never be the same for her again now she is to weak even it is hard for her to get in the car.

We both are on disability she also gets SSDI off her father one thing I got for her that he has to pay for. [one for me huh]

The happiest thing that she loves is her animals she has a knack for any animal she is not afraid of any. I also think animals have a special sense when something is wrong or somebody needs more attention. We have plenty and they are our babies like you said they have unconditional love but, you absolutely have to give it back to them

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Mscat, Leo:

There is a chapter on Autism in the book "The brain that changes itself" by Norman Doidge. Lots of references at the back too. I can't recall names but lots of resources in there. I recall that there was some great success curing it. I think there were special exercises, maybe even some on the Internet now. It made some sense to me. I had just got hearing aids and was experiencing a lot of overwhelm with all the new stimuli coming in. At first i heard more but couldn't process it very well. Then as my brain got used to the new input, i started hearing AND processing, both of which are really required for understanding speech. I think my brain was literally "changing itself" like the book said. It's a fascinating and motivating book too. It also talks about fixing learning disabilities. Google "Autism and Neuroplasticity" - lots of articles on it. Very exciting stuff.

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Thank you Athena that sounds very interesting. Leo1954, I think your daughter is older then my son. My son is 17, almost 18 in August. What a shame that your daughter became so ill. That is very sad. This is actually one of my worst fears, that my son would get ill or hurt in a accident. Scares the crap out of me. He has been my son for so long and with me for so long that this reallyhas never gone away, fear of losing him. That can be traced back to childhood, when all of my brothers and I were taken away and separated by the state. I do have some flashbacks, so their are some things I know was happening to us. The foster family that I grew up in mostly . were very religious, and money was a big deal to them as well as their looks. Very superficial . ok I got to go because I took a lot of medicatin along with 7 more sleeping pills again. I got to stopdoing that, second night in a row. Tommorow is drinking night with Bro, and perhaps , well bette off not going there. can;t tyoe anymore night.

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Mscat,

You've had quite the life! I sometimes wish I had been diagnosed earlier (had borderline symptoms from age six as far as I can tell, but I don't think they diagnose people that young.). I'm still not diagnosed as such. But I did an online assessment and it's nearly a "perfect" match. Fortunately, my main coping mechanism has been to be a workaholic so I appear outwardly normal. If people only knew! Unfortunately, I finally burned out (hard to keep up the facade, I'm now 49) but people expect me to keep on being superwoman. And I get absolutely zero sympathy. Educated employable white woman? Yah, honey, get over it! Guess we all have our challenges. Hope you can get help for yours. I would think with your background, at least people would show you some compassion.

Athena,

I have to tell you this because it stuck out in my mind > BPD people can be super high achievers, and function extremely well in their work environment. BPD is kind of like a spectrum disorder. Some are functioning well like you , some are in the middle, and some are very ill with it , or the symtoms from BPD. I also know that if the person with BPD also has other mental health disorders makes them a higher risk as having more difficulties in life. And less likely to improve or become more stable as they become older.

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Mscat, Leo:

There is a chapter on Autism in the book "The brain that changes itself" by Norman Doidge. Lots of references at the back too. I can't recall names but lots of resources in there. I recall that there was some great success curing it. I think there were special exercises, maybe even some on the Internet now. It made some sense to me. I had just got hearing aids and was experiencing a lot of overwhelm with all the new stimuli coming in. At first i heard more but couldn't process it very well. Then as my brain got used to the new input, i started hearing AND processing, both of which are really required for understanding speech. I think my brain was literally "changing itself" like the book said. It's a fascinating and motivating book too. It also talks about fixing learning disabilities. Google "Autism and Neuroplasticity" - lots of articles on it. Very exciting stuff.

Thanks for reminding us of this man's light and contributions to understanding and realizing our freedom and ability to change. The TV special around his work was truly awe inspiring. :(

Option.org that i've shared earlier, besides teaching healthy dialogue skills, is also the Autism Treatment Center of America.

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I am ashamed to say this but since I am older I have a great deal of difficulty dealing with my disorders now. That is one reason I lost my job and on disability. I would love to go back into trauma nursing but, they have also changed everything since I was in. I still try to read what is going on with it but it's unreal!

I also never dreamed that what I have and also what I'm having to do with 2 other people that can't help themselves. I don't know how much longer I'm even going to be on this earth but, you might say keep doing it but, dammit I'm tired!

I haven't even been able to go see my therapist no.1 she is in the city I use to live in which is only about 20 minutes away but, the gas is also killing me because I'm running my daughter back and forth to where I have to see her Dr.s & hospitals. I know this isn't an excuse but I live on a limited income. I still have to pay alot of other bills and groceries are killing me so I have to decide gas or not pay a certain bill or should we eat properly.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Well, I am also on SSDI , income is limited. Trying to now get my son back on SSI now that he will be turning 18 soon. We living in a rual town, a big goal of mine is to move to a bigger city so my son will have better services that will meet his needs, and my son will not have to be bussed so far away all the time to go to school.

Since he has been born, my sole focus has been on my son. I have worked for yrs. at one time in my life , but really went downhill for a while. I can't see myself going back to teaching anymore. I live as a recluse. And just as happy to do so without anyone bothering me. If I absolutely have to go out I make it as limited as I can.

Found out recently that my eyes are no good, and I need glassess. Can't afford them though. So everything is blurred as I type this. Leo,

I can sympathise with you. Somtimes the only reason I am dtill breathing is for my son. Yes, it does get bad, memory is terrible, and I do not remember what this thread was about? Just started reponding cause I saw some replies about autism.

My son will go into a program for adults age 18-22 . He is graduating from high school and will just recieve a certifficate of completion , different then a regular diploma.

when my son is at school I try and sleep as long as I can , like today is was nearly 2pm when I got up. Then listened to 2 vociemails left by my brother screaming at me, cause he could not reach me. Nice huh. When he does that crap he will turn around and asy just kidding. I swear to god my bro is only a nice person when he is drinking! Other times, most times he is a complete asshole , but when he drinks he is Mr nice guy. Had very strong urges to self harm lately , yes, I know why , too long to post.

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