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So sorry


soregretful
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I know you will probably all hate me, but in earlier years, I watched kids on the internet in speedo bathing suits and maybe at times pleasured myself. I never wanted to hurt a kid or anything, but I think it was just out of envy, me always having wanted a speedo and never getting one. No, I am so regretful and have stopped, but hate myself every day for having done this. I am close to suicidal. Is there any hope for me? I have lost sleep over this! Such an idiot! I am on the right path now, but having a hard time living this down. I hate myself so much! You can hate me if you want to and I understand if you did.

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Please someone help me! Any thoughts guys? I need a little support. I have told my family everything and they say that as long as no one was hurt, that you should be OK. I feel like a totally worthless person and just want so badly to die. I kind of had the feeling you would all hate me. I just wish I knew that someone who has had this problem could maybe offer some advice. I need a friend so much right now.

Edited by soregretful
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Hi,

I am not attracted sexually at all. I do not have any desire to have any kind of relations of that matter at all. I do not know what ever possessed me to do it. I do not know what the heck I was thinking. Now, I have to live this down the rest of my life. I don't really like that alternative. I think a shorter life means less pain.;) I am sure you are all thinking I am a pervert of some sort. I hate life! I feel there is no hope here! I have used "normal" things to stimulate myself too.

I am seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist. How am I supposed to feel anything but anguish? I am so ashamed of myself. Death seems so sweet right now and I am pondering it.

Edited by soregretful
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Here's the thing....

This was back in my stupid days of my youth. I have found a girl for the first time that I really love. I have been dating. It just seems stupid that one could hope to be a husband or a father having done what I did. God knows I love this woman and would do anything for her. It actually clicked like 10 dates in that I remembered I had done this! I love her so much and want to have a family with her, but how crazy does that sound? A husband or father who did this? I am having a hard enough time living with the guilt. I just had a dream that told me to go for it.....does this sound stupid to anyone else? Does anyone think I have any shot out there?:confused:

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Guest ASchwartz

Hello Soregretful,

Welcome to our community.

Sorry it took us some time to get to you. Occasionally that happens but we do our best. Again, sorry.

It sounds to me that its good that you have a psychiatrist and therapist.

No, we don't hate you. We are not in the business of hating anyone and we are not in the business of being judgemental. What I don't understand is why you have been so hard on yourself? Really, it makes no sense unless you are a very obsessional guy who finds it hard to let go of these things. You hurt no one.

Why shouldn't you be able to marry and have children?

Is it possible that there are other things that worry you that are really behind this?

Allan

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Allan,

That is what the psychiatrist is treating me for.....OCD. I just find this so hard to let go of. It seems life altering for me but to everyone else, it is no big deal. I never want to hurt a child, ever. I am actually a very loved first grade teacher. I already have 9 requests in for next year. The thought of even having done this makes wanting to live very hard. When I first told everyone I had a girlfriend, I heard things like "he is a great guy", "he would make a fantastic dad" based on some of the things that I have done in the classroom. And let me tell you, before all this set in, I am a dynamite teacher. I am not at all happy anymore because of having done this. I can't find happiness in anything. I feel so terribly bad, even though no one was hurt and I never had any urges at all. This was totally a speedo thing....I am positive. It involved kids because that is what I was when I started. One of the therapists who I saw called what I did child porn and that pushed me even further down. Like I said, when I started dating, I felt pretty good. This came back to hit me after like 10 dates. Now I am trying to find out how to live at all. I can not take this with me even though I stopped a while ago. I was actually excited at the first date with this girl and I know I have fallen in love with her, but I can't imagine anyone having kids saying "when I was your age" I looked at kids that looked like you and had a good time with myself. That is, if my reproductive system even works correctly. The same therapist who said I looked at child porn, which kills me, as I would never want to see a child get hurt, kids are literally my life, said I have about a 5 percent chance of being able to conceive because I trained my body to be sexually responsive to boys. Now here I am stuck with the girl of my dreams and afraid to kiss her because of what I have done. I so badly do not want her to get hurt. If it is all about obsession, how do you let it go, because all I have done for 5 months is wish I was dead. I still have dated the girl and know that I am madly in love with her. I think I have even been aroused by cuddling with her. I have gone to confession about this at my church and am going on a cross state trip to see a faith healer. Everyone seems to think there is a way out of this, but I have not been happy for 5 months. I believe in God, which is why I confessed, but it appears hell is also quite real. I am so in despair and have no idea how to get out....even doing the things I like to do is no fun because this memory is always there, where before it wasn't. I feel so screwed and I feel so bad for my poor girlfriend because I love her so much and would more than likely purposed under normal circumstances. Any thoughts Allan?;) Have you ever heard anything so backwards?

Edited by soregretful
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As long as you did not leer any child or touch any child then seriously . you have nothing to feel ashamed of. Quit beating yourself up over this. You did not hurt anybody, you were young, and liked kids wearing speeedo's, it is not that big of deal. your not a pevert, you have neve hurt a child, so I am trying to understand why you feel so much guilt.

Unless their is more to the story , you have done no harm. You have to let this go. So you can be happy, and have a healthy relationship with a woman. Perhaps, someday even have your own children.

Consider it a learning experience and move on. It is good that you are in therapy, and see a psychatrist. I hope you can forgive yourself. To me you did not really do anything wrong, against the law , or any of that. Their is noting to be sorry about.

Hopefully this has passed, and you are not interested in little boys. It does not seem so. You feel such deep regret. However, with what you have written here, I do not understand this regret.

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I feel like having done this prevents me from having a healthy relationship or being happy. Dear God, I would never hurt a child....I am a teacher...kids are my life! I just need ways to help me let this go because it is killing me and I am not as good as I once was. I am an awesome teacher but I feel like if any of the parents ever found this out, I would be fired and killed. :) I would love to be called daddy someday, but this experience seems so far from someone who could ever do that. My girlfriend is amazing. I love her and this came up after we went out for a few dates. Now I can't even live with myself.

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You have not done any harm to a child. I commend you for being a teacher you sound like you really care what our next generation will be.

You have said you have told your girlfriend before? The way you sound did she say it's OK at least you have told me. You want to be a daddy there is no reason I can see that you shouldn't. Just keep on going on to therapy it will wean itself out but like all of us it takes time it won't happen overnite.

Is your relationship OK? I am just worried that you want it but you have reservations because of your thinking. Rember you have done no harm to anybody at all!

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As I sit here and type this at 4:20 in the morning, I realize that no matter what I do, I have committed emotional suicide already. Nothing I can do will change what I have done, and even having kids would probably not make me all that happy. Nothing can make me happy. I am in a hole that I think will eventually be my grave. This is too much to live with. I do not think it is possible....even if it is just with myself. Everyone says to forgive myself...well, I can't. What I did is simply unforgiveable in my eyes, and I do not think that living with it the rest of my life is an option. Nothing that I do will bring me happiness anymore. I can not fall asleep naturally and my therapist keeps saying don't give up it will happen if you believe it. Well, I don't. I have thrown away what was a beautiful life and living a garbage life sucks. I don't know what will happen, but I can pretty much guarantee I will not be happy. Why did I not realize that I was killing myself at the time? I can not live this down, no matter if I am on the right path or not. Some things are unforgiveable, and this is one of them. I acted foolishly and only have two alternatives....live a crappy life or end it. I am already pretty sure which one I am going to choose. I can't believe that it has come to this!

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I need some encouragement, guys! I am so scared. I am afraid this will never go away. I can barely make it through the day without bawling. I can't believe this. I assure you I have never harmed a soul, but I just can't live knowing I even did this. Oh my God, I am so ashamed and scared. I can't go on living 50+ years knowing I did this. Absolutely no one was hurt, but just knowing I did this absolutely kills me. Oh, please, someone let me know this can be OK. I am so close to the edge. I actually have looked up places to buy a gun. I don't want to die, but how the heck can I live? I can't believe this. I am so close, but my family would be heartbroken. So, do I just live in misery or end it and put them in misery. I just want to die!!! People have lived just fine doing far worse than me and I know that, but I just can't live with myself!! OH MY GOD....I NEED HELP!! I don't know what I might do....the thought of it just puts me into rage and hysteria. I feel like giving up. How can I fight this? Oh, please....just let me die!! I am in such deep despair!! Any kind words would be appreciated. I just want to die and end this!!

Has anyone ever lived through anything like this?

Edited by soregretful
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Regret,

You're obsessing and you know you're obsessing. No one's reassurances will count, though every person who has responded to you here has been reassuring.

As you said, you need help. Can you contact your psychiatrist and tell them that you're in crisis? If not, would you consider calling the emergency phone number (911 in the States) or going to a hospital emergency room? The fact that you are researching the means to commit suicide is a bad sign.

Longer term, your psychiatrist might need to change your meds, and probably you should consider talk therapy, as well. Medications alone rarely solve anything.

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Okay bear in mind that right now my head is spinning like a top and my thoughts are doing the jiggety jog any which way but loose but I kinda checked out your post and I thought - woooh slow down brother. You make me look like a Lambo on auto cruise!

Your thoughts are freaking you out - flipping you over - sending you into a complete frenzy. Slow down, take a huge breath, count to twenty and get some help pronto - put in that emergency call or at the very least do anything to distract you from the way you are thinkin right now!!!!!!

There is no way in hell that what you did should warrant what you are predicting or doing to yourself right now. Man oh man - Ive done some super weird things in my life that I regret hugely but I sure aint gonna flip out about them - life's too busy throwing other punches at me for me to obsess about it. Oh and time for admissions - what the hell - no time like the present - I was molested as a little boy - kinda freaked me out for a while because it was someone from our church but hey Ive even forgiven the dude that did it and what YOU did doesnt even come close brother!!!

Chill out and call someone okay - we are all here to help you and right now trust everyone when they say - you have done no harm - stop beating yourself up - this sounds like it has far more to do with OCD than anything else.

Chill brother and know that you are amongst friends!

****

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You clearly regret what you did and have never had any desire to repeat it. No one was hurt in the process. I absolutely understand why you'd be obsessive about this. However, think about the good you've done for the world. You're a teacher, and clearly care about children. I can guarantee that you've done more good than bad. While you've never harmed a child, you've helped many. Isn't that what it's all about? You are clearly not a pedophile of any sort. There's no reason to beat yourself up about this.

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Thanks for the kind words. Not sure how to go about treatment. I just want to feel like one day this will be over. It is tearing me apart. I am hoping it will. Love you guys. Keep talking to me and I will keep up my therapy. U all have been supportive but I just hate what I did. I hope I can live it down. It is so not me and I wish I could take it back. Please God let me get better.

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It sounds my friend like you are succeeding.

It sounds like you're busy not liking yourself, or at least what you've done in this instance.

It seems you've got yourself quite distressed, for a worthwhile reason......trying to 'guarantee' you'll never do something that you feel would prevent you from a life, with a wife and children of your own.

You seem so focused/intent on preventing this, you've gotten yourself obsessed/unbalanced with preventing yourself from ever doing what you did, you'll practically stop at nothing but beating yourself up and scaring yourself shitless, in order to not ever do it again......The way out me thinks is in facing this irrational fear response habit, and finding someone who will lovingly assist you in re-discovering who you really are, and loving/trusting yourself again. hugs bw

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My problem right now is in living with myself. WTH was I thinking? I can't believe that my life is this right now. I don't know what to do. Everyone says I am beating myself up, but I think I have every reason to. Am I not seeing something that everyone else is?

Have you actually read/thought about what I shared?

Look to what you want. I suggest it might be useful to look to want for how to become more charitable, forgiving of yourself, and happier. If you are not, that is ok too my friend. There are no rights or wrongs, simply useful or more useful choices, and understanding the consequences of our mental focus choices. I suggest to write out, (which requires choosing to focus thusly) with detailed specifics, on what and how you REALLY want to experience your days and your life. Practice becoming more aware of what you are doing present tense with the image in the mirror. What any of us do, have done, we did with reason. It may not have been with particular awareness of what we'd be doing to our sense of self, but that was then, this is NOW...Look to and for how to Learn to accept and to forgive yourself, so that you can continue to be the Gift you are designed to be, for the world, your students, your wife and children to be.... love and hugs bw

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Sissa,

I agree with what you said....I had no idea of how this was going to affect me. If I did, I never would have done it! I feel kinda crappy because I go after a little happiness for myself and bam, this kicks my @$$!! I am trying to find a way to be more forgiving, but I can not escape this memory. If you met me in person, you would think I was the nicest, most caring person, but I guess I have this huge dark side that I wasn't even cognicent of until just recently. I know where I want to be, but being alive has to be the top priority. Right now, I am so ashamed of myself, I am working really hard on that one! I don't want to live in misery for the rest of my life! OMG every day is so hard! Luv ya!

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And that is all past tense, "i had no idea," and your working very well at making sure you never forget it. (shock, dismay, disgust)

Perhaps if you acknowledge it was simply because you weren't thinking as you are NOW aware you prefer to think, be, and experience life in your present? (gift) That was then, this is NOW. and work at acknowledging, creating the NOW, forgiving your absence of sense then.....let the sunshine of the gift you are come out from those clouds you've been hiding behind, my friend hugs

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I think it might be useful, you be the judge, (as each of us is,) to look to learn and embrace the fact each of us is ultimately the best expert on ourselves. We all do what we do, ultimately for a reason. A reason we were thinking at the moment we did, (whatever,) was best for us in that moment.

That was then, this is now. Consider if you will, knowing the consequences, emotionally you now have experientially experienced, if you were to be back in time, sd in 're-do', do you actually fear, or have reason to fear, you would actually do the same thing? No, I don't think you would. Why? because you are now conscious, and awares of things you were not then. That was then, this is now. It IS totally different.

Why, or for what benefit, usefulness, then, to continue to beat oneself up, for being ignorant then, of a better, more useful way of doing yourself then, because you just we're not awares of doing the moment more enjoyably...long term? hugs and love bw

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