So sorry

[soregretful]

If I look at myself, I have always been afraid/shy. That is why I reposted. I mean, I go to like a waterpark or something, and I will go into a stall to change clothes. So, that has me wondering...is that fear there? I have always wanted a family, which is why I started dating in the first place, but when this popped, all thoughts of that went away. My dreams are right there to seize, but the guilt is a weight attached to my ankle that will not let me run at them. I have heard so many things. In my heart, I think that I can kiss her, though I am terrified because my therapist said I had such a low chance. I just don't know.

[soregretful]

There are also a few other weird things that happened, but I don't think you will think much of me if I tell you those. My psychiatrist told me it is possible that what happened to me is a result of emotion, but who knows? He also suggested maybe it could be a fear of intimacy, now that I recall it. He actually challenged me to take this relationship where I wanted it to go. I have done my best to do that, but before I go farther, I just wanted to hear from you guys.

Hugs,

SR

[Sissagwaad]

There are also a few other weird things that happened, but I don't think you will think much of me if I tell you those. My psychiatrist told me it is possible that what happened to me is a result of emotion, but who knows? He also suggested maybe it could be a fear of intimacy, now that I recall it. He actually challenged me to take this relationship where I wanted it to go. I have done my best to do that, but before I go farther, I just wanted to hear from you guys.

Hugs,

SR

My thoughts? Why do they matter? Really.....Lets get to the nub of the issue. You are not accepting responsibility for or demonstrating much indication you want to 'take charge' of the quality of thoughts 'you allow' to develope your emotional feelings.

It may seem the other way around, but look at the facts. Stimuli: it rains. so what? thought/belief/judgement: this good or bad = Result the quality of feeling, possibly more thoughts/beliefs about the feeling, etc etc etc.

But the origins, the foundation, is ones thought/belief/quality of judgement, that takes/makes every thing, and creates the emotional experience my friend.

So..I suggest that if you take charge, beginning with examining your thoughts, what is useful for what, etc etc..Decide what you want, specifically, feeling wise, etc etc, dream about it, play with it if you will, emerse yourself fully in it......and i guarantee, if you fill yourself with what 'you want, vs distracting yourself with fearfulness, the results follow your actions. I suggest you attack this as you would anything you truly want, and you cannot fail..... love and hugs (work calls)

[soregretful]

So Sissa,

If I go for this...truly I want it......how can I avoid this memory attacking me at every waking moment? I want it to fade into the background. Like I said, this jumped up and bit me the moment I tried to get into a nice relationship. It is like I snapped! I know I can't change the past, but darnit, I can make my future!! Just trying to work through my guilt. Certainly other people have done far worse than I, actually hurting or abusing people. Something inside me is just saying "terrible thing" I guess. I want to tell that part of me to shut up because it is over. I don't want to be standing on the altar at wedding day and be thinking about this. I don't want to be trying to have a child and thinking about this. I know darn well what I want, but getting it with this running beside me is not easy to do. Wouldn't you know my phone went off again today....haven't charged it in 5 days. I really think God is guiding me, because I have atoned, and I know He wants me to be happy. Just have to find out how....working on that. I am tired of running from the past. I want to run toward my future.

Hugs,

SR:o

[soregretful]

OK....Easter egg day at school tomorrow! If you could see me teach, you would be in awe!! Anyhow, I know I can be better if I can get past this. If you met me in person, what would you say to me?

Just curious....this is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. It is so hard to do! Please keep talking to me guys!

SR

[IrmaJean]

I'm here and listening. Maybe there is a way to let yourself breathe in this and to let go. Let this go. Think of the love you have in your heart. Embrace your gifts and share them.

If you met me in person' date=' what would you say to me?[/quote']

Hello, SR, my name is Beth. How are you feeling today? Much as I would with anyone...

What do you think you need in this to feel better?

[soregretful]

About intimacy, IrmaJean, I have always been super super super shy. Even talking to people used to be hard for me until I became a teacher. I think if I really loved someone, I could be intimate, though I would be nervous. I remember having told one of my friends that I was afraid to be intimate before all of this happened. So maybe there is something to that. She even joked that she would be intimate with me if it would help me relax. Maybe, just maybe there is something there. In that case, maybe facing the fear would reduce the obsession? I just hate going from day to day thinking that I have done this....perhaps I am judging myself to harshly, but what I did before with little thought now seems to me to be the worst thing I could have done. I am not sure why the definition changed. Therapist says before I looked at it as a mistake can could be forgiven. Now I look at it like a sin and that is why I feel awful. I NEED TO find a way to let it go. I don't want to give up, but I am half the person I used to be, though you would never know that by looking at me. This girl I am with wants children and so do I. When I started dating her, I was fine. Maybe a little slow moving, but I was me. I miss me. I don't like looking at who I am. I want the old me back and this crap to leave my head. :mad:

[soregretful]

Right now, what I need is to never have done anything. I know that can't happen, but I just want to feel worthy of living. I do not enjoy anything anymore, but put a fake smile on so no one knows the anguish I am going through. My parents can't understand my guilt either and they know everything. They even saw what I looked at and said why are you killing yourself over this? I don't know...to me, it was just the worst thing I could have done. Surely, no parent has ever done this. All the kids that have me as their teacher rave about me...I have a great reputation. If I can't find a way to never have done it, I at least need a way to make it something that I can just let go of. Like I said, it has been a while since this happened, and I don't know why it is coming up now. Whereas I could live with it before, I just can't now. Wish I knew why. I wish I were anyone else but me!!

[IrmaJean]

What do you do well as a teacher? Try giving energy and light to your strengths, SR. Why the need to punish yourself?

I was very shy too...and have (mostly) worked through this. If I can do it, so can you. What do you think?

[soregretful]

Oh my goodness....I rule as a teacher. On that note, I had a horrible student teaching and took a data entry job because I was so down on myself. I came back to sub and they offered me a job immediately the next year. I have written plays, songs, and poems that feature my students names and help them learn. I developed a system of rememebering what numbers add up to ten by using your hands. I developed a system of subtracting that teachers say I should submit to textbook companies. It is freaking scary some of that stuff that I have done. I am a mathematical

genius. I can teach first graders things like how to multiply by 11 or 5. I can teach a little kid that 26862426802462x5=134312134012310 by noticing a pattern in numbers. I am extremely creative. On my classroom door, I have a spring door where you can drop eggs down a series of chutes into an awaiting basket at the bottom. I mean, it IS scary how good I am...and out of college I never thought I was. If I were to take my own life, the community would be SHOCKED!! Right now, however, I am operating at about 60% because of what is in my mind. I am not relaxed. My 60% is incredible though. On Mother's Day, my kids are going to star in plays for their mothers that I WROTE!! I have a classroom website that people from out of state have complimented me on. I LOVE LOVE LOVE teaching first grade, but hate that I can not get this junk to disappear. My theme song for life is "How Could This Happen to Me?" by Simple Plan. I have worked through so much adversity in my life, graduating Summa Cum Laude being told by my mentoring teacher that teaching not be for me. I have overcome so much, but this one has me puzzled. I don't know why I ever did anything so dumb!! I wish I could find a way to shrink this because before it life was so great to me!!!:eek:

[soregretful]

Sigh.....another day. Oh, well, at least my class will be happy tomorrow. I wish this would just melt away. I have been so much more good than bad. Why can't I feel that way? I wish I could just forget this.

[soregretful]

Good night, friends....hope you all have a nice day!

[soregretful]

I never thought that my life would be what it is right now becuase of an error in judgement. Can't get over the hump. I want to get better, but it feels impossible. I feel so bad because I am trying to go for the life that I want and then it is like all of a sudden, someone said, oh no, you can't have it, you messed up to badly. Did I really? I wish I could get a redo. Wisdom comes with years....I just thought being wiser would coincide with being happier. :confused:

[IrmaJean]

Try breathing, SR. You can have the life you want. You deserve the life you want. Why not give yourself the chance?

I can teach a little kid that 26862426802462x5=13431213401230 by noticing a pattern in numbers.

There's a pattern there? :confused: Math is not a strength of mine, but I am really good about being compassionate and caring. I choose to focus on my strengths (well, most of the time anyway ) and give light to that.

You sound like an awesome teacher. Can you think of all of the positive things you are instilling in your young students? Teachers can have such a powerful and positive influence on children. Don't you agree? If your students enjoy learning in your class, this will stay with them for life.

Why not consider the gifts you give?

[soregretful]

Hi Irms!

That is just it....I don't feel like I deserve anything. I know God is up there looking down at me crying saying the same thing you are. My girlfriend gives so much of herself. She is coming in today to help me in class. I have never ever had a person care so much about me. I don't think God would trap her. Someone once said I was just afraid to take the next step...maybe, but now I don't feel worthy because I will give her a false sense of hope according to therapist I went to. I was looking at that exercise on the post....If I had no issues with.....maybe I should try it. Even if I were able to get the life I wanted, would it still be racked with this tremendous guilt? I can't live day to day feeling so regretful. God knows I am sorry and I know He wants me to be happy. I am having such a hard time doing that. Maybe I am in hell on Earth. I don't know...others do worse and live a full happy life. I so badly need help because living is so hard, even though I have everything I need, or would appear to. I doubt anyone has ever worked through anything like this. I know what I want, but to me, it feels unattainable. Weird though how I got the dead phone to ring at the faith healing and slept the best the night I went out with her. Signs? Maybe...but I don't feel worthy of any of them.

[soregretful]

I hate this. Would anyone even miss me if I were gone? Life is so puzzling...one day you can be on top of the world and then pow. Living like this sucks.

[IrmaJean]

Would anyone even miss me if I were gone?

What brings this up, SR? You've written about a woman who cares about you and children who look up to you. Your presence is important to them, don't you think?

Why do you think you might be burdening yourself with this? Is it difficult to allow your own happiness?

I hope that today is a better day for you.

[soregretful]

Irms,

I just feel unworthy of anything. I feel like the rest of my life is going to be hell. I told my girlfriend I loved her today, and I do. She literally is the best thing that has ever happened to me. How is this supposed to go away and not grind on me every single day for the rest of my life? I want to go for it so bad, but this makes me feel very horrible. I am glad people look up to me, but I do not. I feel like that this was the most horrible thing I could have ever done. I need this girl, but if she found out what I did, she would probably hate me. How do I know....because I hate myself and the only authentic joy I will get anymore until I die is just by making others happy. I don't know that I will ever know true happiness again. Imagine the laughter in my room today when we colored eggs. 22 six year olds laughing and having the time of their lives. I even wore a bunny suit, which they loved. I could not even take a little joy in that. I smiled, but I am hurting so much inside. I feel like this may never get any better. I know God is with me, but my brain is just fried. I am trying so hard for my girlfriend to work through this, but I just feel like scum of the earth. I am totally deserving of all the pain I am in because I am the one who brought it about. :confused:

[Sissagwaad]

Hi Irms!

That is just it....I don't feel like I deserve anything. I know God is up there looking down at me crying saying the same thing you are.

let us look at just one item at a time.

Lets examine just one belief, (at a time)

How is it you pretend to 'make up' God to be, or what is it you 'pretend to know?'

I suggest if there is any sadness, or dismay, it is about you're making Him up as non-forgiving, and wasting your time feeling sorry for yourself. Does it help? How is it useful?

Do you really think God cares that much 'how sorry' you can go on and on about,

or is impressed by wasting the 'present' he is giving you, every moment?

While God walks with you, how or what choices can you choose, to acknowledge His Loving Presence?

Many presents, lay before you, which one will you 'play' with? What is your response to your Senior Partner?

hugs BW

[soregretful]

That's the thing, Sis.....I feel like I opened the wrong box and can't get the lid back on. Oh my gosh....I wish you could see the pictures from the egg factory though....so damn cute!!! I wish I were all there mentally and I could have enjoyed it more. Wore a pink bunny suit...the kids loved it. Wish I could get out from behind these clouds. I do love my girlfriend, and I am playing with that present, and she almost started crying when I told her.

[soregretful]

Any advice for me today guys? I will listen to all of it. Thanks!

Sr

[Musicman]

It's obvious that you would be missed if you were gone. Your girlfriend loves you, and you brighten up the children's days. Perhaps now, you can take joy in the fact that you have someone to love, and she loves you back. Once again, it all goes back to the amount of good you do vs. the amount of bad you do. You have clearly done (and strive to do more) good than bad.

Last night, I watched the movie "Crash." If I got one message from it, it's that those who seem to be bad people can turn out to be great (in some cases, even saints,) while those who appear to be good people can turn out to be quite bad. I think that the point I'm trying to get across is that you can't always judge a person from his or her past. One's future is not necessarily dependent on one's past.

You had a past that you are not proud of. Whether you want to know it or not, I am currently fighting the same demons as you. Although I've never done so with anyone, I'd like to share with you my biggest fantasy. I want to drop my pedophile ways, make it big in the music industry, and donate the majority of my money to charities that help children. The first part is realistic (and I envy the fact that you've already accomplished it.) The second part is clearly unrealistic. The third part (donating money) should always be a possibility for me.

I feel that out of anyone in this community, I am most similar to you. For that reason, any advise that I have shared with you comes directly from my heart.

[soregretful]

The guilt is going to kill me. I hate this. I feel so unworthy of any kind of happiness. This is just way to much to bear the rest of my life.

[Sissagwaad]

The guilt is going to kill me. I hate this. I feel so unworthy of any kind of happiness. This is just way to much to bear the rest of my life.

ok. so why do you do it then?

How you feel, is the result of your thoughts.

No one tells you, or makes you think anything you don't choose to.

The choices we make are because of the beliefs we choose to hold and sometimes worship.

Beliefs are changeable and chooseable...look into it.

What do believe it would mean, or would happen if you 'didn't do this guilt/self punishment thingy?' (so religiously), like gave it up, or forgot to do your guilt punishment routine? hugs

[Leo1954]

You are way worth what you think!

You sound like a teacher I wish my daughter would have had! You are a delightfull person I haven't talked to you I think but I do read what you have posted when I just saw your last post I had to respond no matter what I am going through I want to make the people here know that I am also reading on them I hope to respond on how I feel on what is going on with you!

You colored eggs with the kids in your class you said it was cute which made me smile and think what a delight to have teachers in this world that would be like you.

DON'T think or do anything drastic it is worth for you to stay the way you are.

It's going to take time. I'm sure you already know that and my opinion from me about you is commendable!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Take It Easy Please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!