I have a question

[texasgirl]

Thank you Mark, I came back because I didn't want anyone to think I was angry.

I wish you or anyone had a magic fix, but that is only a fantasy. Yes I am tired (figuratively) and probably fatigued, emotionally and physically. The nightmares and the S I have started again, after quite along break from them (which I do not understand) Guess I'll have to just deal with it again, whoopee!

[WinterSky]

Welcome back Texasgirl. What is it like to SI? Once when I was in my twenties, I felt self destructive. I drank shot after shot after shot of tequila and took a few of my pamelor pills (antidepressant), and I cut myself several times on my forearm. It had to do with self hatred and just wanting to hurt myself, or punish myself for just being me. I felt satisfaction to what I was doing. It was not my intent to kill myself. I figured I'd just sleep it off. Well I woke up the next morning in the intensive care unit. They pumped my stomach and gave me stitches for the cuts. But although I have felt like cutting since, I have not. Lately I think about perhaps cutting on my thighs but then my GP would see it if I got a physical. I get some satisfaction of pricking my fingers to test my blood glucose for diabetes.

[mscat]

mscat's apology is accepted, I'm not angry or whatever. Just tired, of me of SI, just sick of it! :confused:

I can honestly relate to you, Texasgirl.... The SI gets old, and I too have been in the same posiotion of just being sick and tired of being sick and tired!

It is no good place to be, and when it seems like nothing is changing for the better their is a helpless, out of countrol feeling that kicks in. such as, the Si is controlling U now, and well it never feel good to have something that is so huge take over ones life.

Also , it is a constant fight not to SI at times, because it never goes away ! It is always there, waiting to get me... Now, that is what is tiring, fighting all the time the urges not to Si... LIke there is no peace. That is what I want, is peace, peace within myself, and calmness.

So far none of the medications i take have accomplished the peace that i am so despartley trying to achieve.

To me, SI is a monster. Once in the life of someone it grabs a hold and does not let go.

[texasgirl]

Welcome back Texasgirl. What is it like to SI? Once when I was in my twenties, I felt self destructive. I drank shot after shot after shot of tequila and took a few of my pamelor pills (antidepressant), and I cut myself several times on my forearm. It had to do with self hatred and just wanting to hurt myself, or punish myself for just being me. I felt satisfaction to what I was doing. It was not my intent to kill myself. I figured I'd just sleep it off. Well I woke up the next morning in the intensive care unit. They pumped my stomach and gave me stitches for the cuts. But although I have felt like cutting since, I have not. Lately I think about perhaps cutting on my thighs but then my GP would see it if I got a physical. I get some satisfaction of pricking my fingers to test my blood glucose for diabetes.

For me wintersky SI is, the lowest low you can possibly imagine with a flood of memories and flash backs followed by a split second of a high then horrendous guilt and shame.

[mscat]

I believe self injury is A personal experience for whoever engages in it. Meaning that it's not the same for everyone.

My Si revolves trying to come back from unreality. Basicly i do not feel anything at all, nonexsistent. And my body is in parts, nothing is connected . and then I hear or see things , more so having to with an Eagle, or a cartoon character talking to me...

I engage in Self injury to feel real again and grounded . Things clear up, I am me again. My body is connected and I am not flying off to never, never land.

Sometimes, it may trigger an eposoide by stress, or just being alone . For me things get more and more hazy as time wears on, I become more and more disconnected, and unreal like.

The quickest way to end all of that, is to feel the pain of Self injury. I am real again, Hey there is pain , the body slowly reacts and the pain is undeniable.

There is not guilt or shame in it for me. Not in the least. Because I am alive , Hurray ! Needless to say, I do have too many burns and scars. However, since i am not a cutter, people just think I was in some kind of accident. I prefer them to think it was an accident.