Jump to content
Mental Support Community

what now?


notmary
 Share

Recommended Posts

i am thinking that the old thread "shame" doesnt quite fit me anymore. i dont know that i feel shame as the overriding emotion.

i dont know what i feel... i cant say acceptance although i do generally believe that the memories are real and that i can trust myself. i guess my emotions are scattered... i feel anger, grief, fear and unsure of myself.

i wish there was a road map of where i am supposed to go and what i am supposed to do and mostly i wish there was a guarantee that I would reach a point where i am whole and not these separate parts that I am now.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think this is a step forward on the path, Mary, and a new thread seems very appropriate. Maybe consider that you are moving forward at your own pace. Can you think of anything that might give you a sense of control and direction in this? What helps you to feel balanced? I hope you sleep well tonight.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Mary,

It sounds like you are getting there and although shame was not one of my emotions I feel similarly to you. I feel all over the place and I am contemplating my future. I am not sure I wish there was a ready made road map, I do wish I knew what way to go. I feel a similar mix of emotions, fear, loss, loneliness, and like you I am unsure of myself and my ability to get to where I need to be.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I dare you to start a thread that's just called 'Mary', Mary. :-)

Not only are you on your path, Mary, you're always on your path. One of my favorite Zen koans is "Wherever you go, there you are." {Okay, it may not be Zen; I know it from reading Terry Pratchett.} But for me, it has a lot of depth.

First, there's nowhere to run away from yourself. So if you find yourself trying to escape (some part of) yourself (as I often did), it makes sense to do something other than run.

Second, and more reassuring, there's always a "you", wherever you are. To me, that implies that there's always a path from Here to There. "You Are Here." Wherever you need to go, you'll go, just by being you.

Yes, it's possible all of that means that I'm insane. But it also means I'm happy.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

thank you for the encouraging words. i know that i am not the same person i was when i started the other thread. i feel like i have been to hell... trying desperatly to get to a place of peace. things have become so stressful and the leaving out of my body has escalated. the little girl is angry and scared and determined to tell her story. i am trying to keep myself together so that i can appear to function. having instances when she is in charge and i am not present/aware. i dont understand what is happening and of course my therapist still is not back. dont know where to get understanding of what is going on

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am no expert, Mary, but I would say it is about trying to knit together and at the same time it being very very difficult yet, so there is also the pushing apart. Would it help if you could build your ground, your safety, a little more? I know that fear is very big still, but is there an agreement you could reach with your little girl? something like, "Little one, you hurt and I hurt too. This is difficult for me, but I am working on it." and then allow her to have her dolly or pet your dog? If there was some connection she could count on having, maybe she wouldn't have to struggle as much?

I am so happy for your progress about the shame:o. I know that you are still really struggling, but that progress is something to acknowledge and thank you for letting us know :). We are here for you, Mary.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm sorry this is happening, Mary. It must be very frightening. :) If you were to have more information about what you have been experiencing, do you think that it might give you more sense of understanding and control in this? When she returns, your therapist should be able to help with this if you're interested. In the meantime, I do think there was a thread on dissociation somewhere on the forum, though I'm not certain where? :confused:

I hope today is good day for you, Mary. Take care.

Edited by IrmaJean
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have been out of contact because the little girl has been in control much of the time the last few days. she is hurt angry and very scared. i think i am going crazy it is taking all of my energy to try to grasp some control. things are ugly memories are flooding but they are real living memories that seem as if theyre happenig right now. i am afraid

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest ASchwartz

Hi Notmary,

I just want you to know that I often think about you and how you are feeling and I know I'm not the only one here. You have lots and lots of support, lots and lots of friends here. Always.

Allan

Link to comment
Share on other sites

my therapist called me and she will be back next week now i have to find some courage to go and see her even though it feels like weakness. I am trying to take care of myself but truthfully i am barely functioning. I think these are by far the most degrading and terrifying memories and they are so real... yet i am seriously questioning my sanity and whether they actually happened or not. I am very sorry for being so stupid and bad with this. I need to snap out of it but i am not doing that.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Coping under such duress is so hard, Mary!! :( :( What you know for sure is that you are hurting and struggling to function. Our thoughts can turn so negative at these times. We are standing with you Mary, and we don't think of you as weak or making things up. We see you in pain and in need of friends and hope. I hope things lift a little for you today!! :o

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
 Share

×
×
  • Create New...