notmary Posted April 15, 2011 Report Share Posted April 15, 2011 i am thinking that the old thread "shame" doesnt quite fit me anymore. i dont know that i feel shame as the overriding emotion. i dont know what i feel... i cant say acceptance although i do generally believe that the memories are real and that i can trust myself. i guess my emotions are scattered... i feel anger, grief, fear and unsure of myself.i wish there was a road map of where i am supposed to go and what i am supposed to do and mostly i wish there was a guarantee that I would reach a point where i am whole and not these separate parts that I am now. mereCereassog, Weibiaspifani, edittesoypots and 3 others 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted April 15, 2011 Report Share Posted April 15, 2011 I think this is a step forward on the path, Mary, and a new thread seems very appropriate. Maybe consider that you are moving forward at your own pace. Can you think of anything that might give you a sense of control and direction in this? What helps you to feel balanced? I hope you sleep well tonight. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Endlessnight Posted April 15, 2011 Report Share Posted April 15, 2011 Hello Mary. I am happy that you have made a new thread and gotten rid of the old 'shame'.I really do believe this is a good step for you. Remember we will be here to help you take those steps when and if you can. Take care. (((((hugs))))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Waiting Posted April 15, 2011 Report Share Posted April 15, 2011 Hi Mary,It sounds like you are getting there and although shame was not one of my emotions I feel similarly to you. I feel all over the place and I am contemplating my future. I am not sure I wish there was a ready made road map, I do wish I knew what way to go. I feel a similar mix of emotions, fear, loss, loneliness, and like you I am unsure of myself and my ability to get to where I need to be. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luna- Posted April 15, 2011 Report Share Posted April 15, 2011 Hey Mary. Nice to meet you in your new thread! Your decorating is very tasteful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
malign Posted April 15, 2011 Report Share Posted April 15, 2011 I dare you to start a thread that's just called 'Mary', Mary. :-)Not only are you on your path, Mary, you're always on your path. One of my favorite Zen koans is "Wherever you go, there you are." {Okay, it may not be Zen; I know it from reading Terry Pratchett.} But for me, it has a lot of depth.First, there's nowhere to run away from yourself. So if you find yourself trying to escape (some part of) yourself (as I often did), it makes sense to do something other than run.Second, and more reassuring, there's always a "you", wherever you are. To me, that implies that there's always a path from Here to There. "You Are Here." Wherever you need to go, you'll go, just by being you.Yes, it's possible all of that means that I'm insane. But it also means I'm happy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notmary Posted April 16, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 16, 2011 thank you for the encouraging words. i know that i am not the same person i was when i started the other thread. i feel like i have been to hell... trying desperatly to get to a place of peace. things have become so stressful and the leaving out of my body has escalated. the little girl is angry and scared and determined to tell her story. i am trying to keep myself together so that i can appear to function. having instances when she is in charge and i am not present/aware. i dont understand what is happening and of course my therapist still is not back. dont know where to get understanding of what is going on Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
finding my way Posted April 16, 2011 Report Share Posted April 16, 2011 I am no expert, Mary, but I would say it is about trying to knit together and at the same time it being very very difficult yet, so there is also the pushing apart. Would it help if you could build your ground, your safety, a little more? I know that fear is very big still, but is there an agreement you could reach with your little girl? something like, "Little one, you hurt and I hurt too. This is difficult for me, but I am working on it." and then allow her to have her dolly or pet your dog? If there was some connection she could count on having, maybe she wouldn't have to struggle as much?I am so happy for your progress about the shame:o. I know that you are still really struggling, but that progress is something to acknowledge and thank you for letting us know . We are here for you, Mary. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted April 16, 2011 Report Share Posted April 16, 2011 (edited) I'm sorry this is happening, Mary. It must be very frightening. If you were to have more information about what you have been experiencing, do you think that it might give you more sense of understanding and control in this? When she returns, your therapist should be able to help with this if you're interested. In the meantime, I do think there was a thread on dissociation somewhere on the forum, though I'm not certain where? :confused:I hope today is good day for you, Mary. Take care. Edited April 16, 2011 by IrmaJean Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
finding my way Posted April 20, 2011 Report Share Posted April 20, 2011 How are you, Mary? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted April 21, 2011 Report Share Posted April 21, 2011 I was thinking of you, too, Mary. How are you feeling? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notmary Posted April 21, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 21, 2011 I have been out of contact because the little girl has been in control much of the time the last few days. she is hurt angry and very scared. i think i am going crazy it is taking all of my energy to try to grasp some control. things are ugly memories are flooding but they are real living memories that seem as if theyre happenig right now. i am afraid Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luna- Posted April 21, 2011 Report Share Posted April 21, 2011 My heart just flew out to you tonight Mary. It must be very frightening to be caught in these memories. You are so brave to be dealing with this - even though you probably don't feel it, you are. Thinking of you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted April 21, 2011 Report Share Posted April 21, 2011 Mary, I am glad that you checked in. I'm sorry you're struggling so much right now. What can we do to help support you? I know that you are frightened. Is there a way to contact your therapist? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Endlessnight Posted April 21, 2011 Report Share Posted April 21, 2011 Mary, just wanted to let you know that we are thinking about you and although we can't be there in person, we are there with you, holding you, in our thoughts. Take care. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
finding my way Posted April 21, 2011 Report Share Posted April 21, 2011 Oh Mary:( ((((((( Hugs to you )))))))I wish strong love and protection for you tonight!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leo1954 Posted April 22, 2011 Report Share Posted April 22, 2011 DITTO!! From me on what everyone has said on here wished I could reach out to you and say It will be OK!!! Please Take Care & I Definitely Hope It Will Be Better Soon Like Now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest ASchwartz Posted April 22, 2011 Report Share Posted April 22, 2011 Hi Notmary,I just want you to know that I often think about you and how you are feeling and I know I'm not the only one here. You have lots and lots of support, lots and lots of friends here. Always.Allan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted April 23, 2011 Report Share Posted April 23, 2011 Are you okay, Mary? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notmary Posted April 24, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 24, 2011 no but trying to stay safe cant talk my words are frozen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted April 24, 2011 Report Share Posted April 24, 2011 I'm sorry you're hurting, Mary. We are here when you feel ready to talk again. Take very gentle care of yourself. I hope you feel better. mereCereassog and estageSkark 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
finding my way Posted April 25, 2011 Report Share Posted April 25, 2011 Can you call your therapist, Mary? when will she get back? I'm so sorry for this pain:( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
malign Posted April 25, 2011 Report Share Posted April 25, 2011 We're here with you, Mary. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notmary Posted April 26, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 26, 2011 my therapist called me and she will be back next week now i have to find some courage to go and see her even though it feels like weakness. I am trying to take care of myself but truthfully i am barely functioning. I think these are by far the most degrading and terrifying memories and they are so real... yet i am seriously questioning my sanity and whether they actually happened or not. I am very sorry for being so stupid and bad with this. I need to snap out of it but i am not doing that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
finding my way Posted April 26, 2011 Report Share Posted April 26, 2011 Coping under such duress is so hard, Mary!! :( What you know for sure is that you are hurting and struggling to function. Our thoughts can turn so negative at these times. We are standing with you Mary, and we don't think of you as weak or making things up. We see you in pain and in need of friends and hope. I hope things lift a little for you today!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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