notmary Posted May 7, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 7, 2011 I am sorry to post again about the same old shit. terrible night last night as a new memory broke through and like all the memories it seemed real and like it was happening again to the little girl as I watched from above. The fucking monster raped the little girl anally with a hair brush and I don't want to feel that pain and that humiliation and shame. During this time he had her forced over his lap and he used her body to stiulate himself and made obscene noises. The blood and the pain is so scary and she wants her mommy and her mommy is nowhere to help her and wont help her anyway. Now I am back in my body and the little girl is shaking and crying and I want to hurt myself to let the pain out and I hurt. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted May 7, 2011 Report Share Posted May 7, 2011 Mary, I'm so sorry you went through this. I'm sorry you were hurt. I wish I had something more helpful to say. I'm listening. I hear you and support you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notmary Posted May 7, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 7, 2011 I feel so dirty and ashamed. I am so alone and scared and I know that I need to get over this. I am sorry for being such a failure Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luna- Posted May 7, 2011 Report Share Posted May 7, 2011 You don't have to apologise for anything, Mary ... try not to expect yourself to just get over it? You're not dirty and nor was the little girl ... she was sweet like little girls are; some very horrible things were done to her and now you are living with the memories. Thinking of you tonight. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted May 7, 2011 Report Share Posted May 7, 2011 Mary, it is good to "hear" your voice again. What I see is that you're a courageous fighter. Can you see that about yourself? I hope the rest of the day is peaceful for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notmary Posted May 7, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 7, 2011 i am not mary i am a piece of trash a dirty whore who let the monster do disgusting things because i was bad Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted May 7, 2011 Report Share Posted May 7, 2011 Mary, I thought you wrote a beautifully supportive post to pseudome yesterday. I hear your voice and pain. What can we do to help support you, Mary? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notmary Posted May 7, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 7, 2011 i am afraid of the monster and i want my dolly i dont want him to hurt me again everything hurts i dont know why he was so mean to me Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted May 7, 2011 Report Share Posted May 7, 2011 Mary, it's okay. We're here with you and he can't hurt you now. Maybe you can imagine holding the doll. He hurt you because of his own mental health, Mary. You did nothing wrong. It's okay now. Try to breathe. you're safe. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notmary Posted May 7, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 7, 2011 i am afraid i dont want to be alone i am bad and dirty Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted May 7, 2011 Report Share Posted May 7, 2011 I know you're afraid. I hear you. I'm here, and it's okay now. I think that you're hurting and sometimes you turn that on yourself. There is a big space for your goodness, Mary. Can you find your way to that? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notmary Posted May 7, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 7, 2011 i am not mary i am the little girl the one he hurt the one mary leaves behind to get hurt i am the bad bad girl who let him do such horrible things i am the trash slut Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted May 7, 2011 Report Share Posted May 7, 2011 I'm here, and I hear you, but I am going to keep talking to Mary. I'm sorry this is so hard. I'm sorry that the child inside you was hurt so much. I hope that all parts of you heal, Mary. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notmary Posted May 7, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 7, 2011 mary is weak and scared and leaves me alone i wish i could hurt her to make her pay Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted May 7, 2011 Report Share Posted May 7, 2011 I think there is a place of vulnerability in all of us. I get scared too, sometimes. All of us do. I can understand that you have confusing feelings, Mary. I think it's good that you are expressing yourself and hearing those feelings. I'm here with you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notmary Posted May 7, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 7, 2011 i am sorry i keep splitting apart IJ. I feel so broken right now. I know in my head that this happened a long time ago and it does feel like it happened to someone other than me but... I am so hurt and ashamed Tuncenlalagef 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted May 7, 2011 Report Share Posted May 7, 2011 I'm so sorry you're feeling this way, Mary. I know you feel sorry, but there is really no need. I'm glad you are expressing yourself and giving your feelings a voice. That's important. I wish for you some healing vibes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notmary Posted May 7, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 7, 2011 I feel the need to scrub and scrub my body. It is so dirty and ugly. I wish I could not exist or not be me anymore. My spirit feels dead. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted May 7, 2011 Report Share Posted May 7, 2011 Maybe there can ways to feed your inner energy. What do you find joy in? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notmary Posted May 7, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 7, 2011 Right now I cant feel any joy and I cant remember anything that brings me joy. I am burning inside and it is so painful. I need someone to care for me but I cant bear the thought of physically touching anyone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted May 7, 2011 Report Share Posted May 7, 2011 Can you contact your therapist, Mary? Maybe it would help to have your H near even if you can't bear touch right now? I hope you are able to find comfort. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notmary Posted May 7, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 7, 2011 I need to go right now because I dont feel safe sitting here with my back to the room. I thank you and I am sorry that I am weak and pathetic. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CantGiveItAway Posted May 8, 2011 Report Share Posted May 8, 2011 Please Mary dont ever apologize for having the feeling to express yourself. Its not the same old stuff, every time you have these feelings it feels very real and present for you. I cant imagine how scared that little girl must be. Im sorry youre in so much pain right now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
finding my way Posted May 8, 2011 Report Share Posted May 8, 2011 Mary, how are you today? This is so very painful and difficult... please don't take it out on you if you can I hope this week is better for you!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted May 8, 2011 Report Share Posted May 8, 2011 I hope you are enjoying Mother's Day with your family, Mary. I hope you are feeling better today. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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