Luna- Posted May 9, 2011 Report Share Posted May 9, 2011 Please try and keep the blame where it belongs - on the monster? Little girls can't fight back against adults. You didn't "let him", he just did. I'm listening ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notmary Posted May 9, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 9, 2011 I am so freaking angry. How could it be ok that he did something so horrible to a little girl. The little girl was sad and lonely and missed her daddy. She wanted someone to love her. Instead she was treated like a piece of garbage and told over and ove again that she was a whore a slut and piece of trash. SHe has had to fight against these beliefs over and over again her whole life. She has struggled to be clean to be good enough and to be loveable but has never been able to achieve it. All because a sick bastard thought his needs his desire to humiliate and dehumanize a little girl were more important than her needs to be loved and cared for. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted May 9, 2011 Report Share Posted May 9, 2011 What happened to you when you were a little girl, Mary, was horrible and not okay. This never should have happened to you. You deserved to be loved and cared for and protected. I hear your anger and am angry with you.I hope that one day you are able to connect with feeling and knowing that you are lovable and deserve gentle care and respect. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hatemeds Posted May 10, 2011 Report Share Posted May 10, 2011 Wow sister I so admire and respect that little girl for surviving against all odds, she is awesome - can you? You should and then if you can give her a great big hug.You are wonderful sister.**** Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luna- Posted May 10, 2011 Report Share Posted May 10, 2011 It's good to see you so angry with him, Mary. What he did was despicable. :mad: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notmary Posted May 10, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 10, 2011 Oh Luna, if only I could keep the anger pointed at him. Right now it is square on me again. Why did I let him? What was wrong with me? why was i such a bad girl that he did this to me... the filth and shame are back therapist tonight hoping and praying for courage Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
malign Posted May 10, 2011 Report Share Posted May 10, 2011 Mary,I hope you can tell your therapist how this new memory is making you feel, and I mean, both ways: angry at him, and angry at yourself. That might be valuable material to explore, why the explanation in your mind for what happened keeps shifting.I can tell you there's nothing a young child can do to deserve, or prevent, what was done to you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Endlessnight Posted May 11, 2011 Report Share Posted May 11, 2011 Dear Mary, wanted to say that I and everyone here, love the little girl and know that she is good and I have my arms tightly around her, holding her and comforting her. I hope and wish that you will be able to feel that way about her too and put all the blame where it belongs...on the monster.Thinking of you Mary, and wishing you well....M. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notmary Posted May 15, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 15, 2011 I see you little girl and I feel your pain and terror. i am sorry that I didnt protect you and I am sorry that you were left all alone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
finding my way Posted May 15, 2011 Report Share Posted May 15, 2011 I see you both, Mary, and stand with you, and I'm so very very sorry for your pain:(. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted May 15, 2011 Report Share Posted May 15, 2011 Mary, I'm here with you, too. I'm glad you are recognizing all parts of yourself. I'm sorry that you were hurt. I hope that you find peace and serenity, Mary. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notmary Posted May 17, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 17, 2011 I dont think there is ever going to be peace with this. I think that I am damaged beyond repair... my ability to trust others but mostly myself, my ability to function without the monsters voice ringing in my ears... I dont see it ever being ok. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted May 17, 2011 Report Share Posted May 17, 2011 Maybe it needs more time to be okay, Mary. Did something happen tonight that upset you? Would it help to talk more about it? I'm sorry this is so painful and difficult. How can I best help support you? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notmary Posted May 19, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 19, 2011 IJ there is nothing new or specific. Just lots of bad memories continue to flood and I am trying to make sense of them. Therapy is hard but durning the sessions I feel safe and cared for, afterwards I feel like raw wounds all over me. It seems hopeless. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
finding my way Posted May 19, 2011 Report Share Posted May 19, 2011 Mary, I'm sorry it seems without hope; it absolutley is very very hard Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
malign Posted May 19, 2011 Report Share Posted May 19, 2011 Mary,Thank you for the "seems". :-)You will probably always have a "scar": the memories. In that sense, someone hurt you, "damaged" you.In another sense, though, you can heal. Many people have scars, yet the scars don't hinder them in any way. They still get to live, love, and be happy.And strangely, it turns out that physical scar tissue is actually stronger than undamaged tissue. I can't swear it's the same with emotional scars, but it does suggest that you may be stronger than you feel ... so far. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted May 20, 2011 Report Share Posted May 20, 2011 Mary, it sounds as though you are fighting your way. Maybe, in time, you can find ways to hold onto those safe and cared for feelings. I'm glad that you have such a caring therapist. Take care, Mary. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pseudome Posted May 20, 2011 Report Share Posted May 20, 2011 Mary-I just read through this thread for the first time today. I feel like I’m in a very similar boat. Reading your words wasn't easy because it's disturbingly familiar. You have all my sympathy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notmary Posted June 1, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 1, 2011 this memory... how could this have happened and why do i need to remember it? isnt enough that i lived through it once now i have to remember it too? my heart and my spirit are broken... i wasnt a piece of trash and yet you treated me that way. i wasnt an object for you to use, humiliate and punish. I am left here with my sense of who i am totally destroyed. not to mention you have left me with a warped and damaged sexuality and spiritwhat did i do to make this happen... and if it was just a random sadistic psychopath who crossed my path (that is how t. explains it) how do i ever feel safe again? just a rambling rant, sorry Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetSue Posted June 1, 2011 Report Share Posted June 1, 2011 Hi MaryYou did nothing to make this happen to you - nothing at all Im sorry you are hurting so terribly We are all here for you, and listening as you express your feelings (coz you are not ranting hun) Take care Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted June 1, 2011 Report Share Posted June 1, 2011 I agree with SweetSue, Mary. It's good for you to express your feelings, and it's healthy to express anger toward the man who hurt you. You didn't do anything to make this happen. This man's poor emotional health (sadistic psychopath fits well, I agree with your T) was the sole cause here. You were a little girl. You've written before of feeling safe in therapy with your therapist. This is progress, don't you think? Little by little, you can hold those feelings and offer comfort to yourself too. I'm sorry this is all so painful and difficult, Mary. We're here with you and support you in your journey on the path to healing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
malign Posted June 1, 2011 Report Share Posted June 1, 2011 Mary,You asked, how do you ever feel safe again ...Well, much has changed. If you ran across a "random psychopath" now, you'd a) probably recognize them as such, and have far more resources at your command to deal with them. There's a reason that abusers pick on children and put so much effort into convincing them to remain silent: they are scared. That means you have power over them.You also asked, why do you have to remember.I'm not as sure of my answer on this one, but maybe it's helping you see, more and more clearly, that he was the sick one. You are much stronger, and despite all the pain, healthier, than he ever was. Remembering means you know the danger, and that you're learning how to survive it without being broken by it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Verbally abused? Posted June 1, 2011 Report Share Posted June 1, 2011 Mary, I feel your pain. I understand. Read my blog for June 1 2011. I am here for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pseudome Posted June 1, 2011 Report Share Posted June 1, 2011 this memory... how could this have happened and why do i need to remember it? isnt enough that i lived through it once now i have to remember it too? I completely relate to this feeling and have similar questions about my own past. how do i ever feel safe again? This question isn't so simple to answer as it appears. As others have said, the fact that you are an adult now who knows more about people and resouces is something, so you are safer, but feeling safe is entirely different. Memories/nightmares/flashbacks can bring all the unsafe feelings back and it can be very difficult to override that with logic.Take care of yourself, mary. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notmary Posted June 2, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 2, 2011 Pseudome that is the problem... i dont know how to feel safe. The things you mention leave me almost paralyzed with fear. IJ I do feel that safety with my T. more and more. But after therapy and between appointments I dont feel that safety. I dont know how to keep it. As for the monster... I hate him but I am so afraid. If he showed up today, i would probably roll over and let him do whatever he wanted. Why? because I am weak and pathetic and so, so afraid. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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