IrmaJean Posted June 2, 2011 Report Share Posted June 2, 2011 Mary, what does your therapist provide for you that helps you to feel safe? Think about what helps you feel safe. You may be able to learn one day to give those things to yourself.Hard work can be frustrating, I understand, Mary. I hope you can be gentle with yourself and allow your strengths to shine through. I hear that you are afraid, but I also hear determination and anger. Keep fighting, Mary. We're here with you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetSue Posted June 2, 2011 Report Share Posted June 2, 2011 Hi Mary,Hmmm, I dont know if this will help you, but its what I do when I'm frightened and feel unsafe.......Have you got a favourite place, you know somewhere, where you can go that is peaceful and that you enjoy ?Anyway, what I do is find a nice quiet corner, get comfy, and then try and imagine that I'm back at my favourite place. I close my eyes, and visualise, everything in the tiniest of detail, what the sounds are, the smells, the colours - everything. It took some practice, to start with, but I'm getting the hang of it now, it also helps with my panic attacks, it might be worth trying Hun, you are neither weak or pathetic, fear stops us from doing what we would like to of done in them circumstances. I froze, literally, Oh yeah my head was screaming, screaming at me to do......... something ???, but my body was unresponsive to what my head was telling me. When fear takes its grip, it dosnt let go very easily Does that make me weak and pathetic ?Sure it makes me feel that way - but in reality, I was not, I was as strong as I could of been that moment of time, and did all I could do - even if I feel it wasnt enough - I survived. And that takes strength.You survived your ordeals Mary, that makes you a extremely strong and couragous person, you may not feel it, but the strength and courage are inside of you. Im sorry that you are hurting so deeply malign 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lagrima Posted June 2, 2011 Report Share Posted June 2, 2011 (edited) -------------------------- Edited June 4, 2011 by lagrima Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
finding my way Posted June 2, 2011 Report Share Posted June 2, 2011 The times I am not safe are when I am in deep deep confusion and no longer available to myself. I call that starting to dissociate, though I am no expert. The way back to safety is to get away from the situation so I can feel myself again. If I can't accomplish it alone, I need to find a friend. Sometimes looking into nature will show me the way back again. The most significant gains in finding my way have been with a trusted therapist, a trusted friend, and with nature. And sometimes a good book.Dear Mary, I am so sorry you hurt Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notmary Posted June 3, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 3, 2011 the monster told me i was a whore he called me dirty and trash and a slut... and i believed him and i continue to hear his voice as i grew older and allowed man after man to treat me like crap all because i was a whore. i never questioned it. then i met my husband and he treated me like a queen. but deep inside the whore, the trash remained. everything in my life has either been me reaffirming what he said or me fighting like hell to prove that he was wrong. even though i "proved" it, i still deep inside believed him. now i need to change that basic belief... how do i do that Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted June 4, 2011 Report Share Posted June 4, 2011 now i need to change that basic belief... how do i do thatGood for you, Mary. This is wonderful to hear. I think you begin by getting to know yourself through your own eyes. You begin by offering yourself gentle understanding, compassion, kindness, and love. You appreciate yourself. You value yourself. You make your needs known. You learn to love yourself little by little. Allow the positive thoughts to seep in and give them a chance in your mind. You are a remarkable and courageous woman. Mary is courageous and kind. Mary is a good and valuable person. Mary deserves love, care, and respect. Take very gentle care of yourself, Mary. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lagrima Posted June 4, 2011 Report Share Posted June 4, 2011 the monster told me i was a whore he called me dirty and trash and a slut... and i believed him and i continue to hear his voice as i grew older and allowed man after man to treat me like crap all because i was a whore. i never questioned it. then i met my husband and he treated me like a queen. but deep inside the whore, the trash remained. everything in my life has either been me reaffirming what he said or me fighting like hell to prove that he was wrong. even though i "proved" it, i still deep inside believed him. now i need to change that basic belief... how do i do thatthere are different schools of thought .one also that says - ' where you're worth nothing , you should want nothing 'this is sure to offend many . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted June 4, 2011 Report Share Posted June 4, 2011 Lagrima, once more I wonder what your motivation is here? You have told us nothing about yourself."Schools of thought" have little to do with human beings. If you have nothing of support to offer here, I would suggest moving on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lagrima Posted June 4, 2011 Report Share Posted June 4, 2011 (edited) ------------------------ Edited June 4, 2011 by lagrima Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pseudome Posted June 4, 2011 Report Share Posted June 4, 2011 mind explaining how you arrive at such a conclusion ?what about cases where depressed individuals ' cling ' to a certain ideology for support ?Mind explaining how posting vague phrases that seem completely irrelevent is supposed to be helpful? How about saying something solid and meaningful to convince us you aren't some elaborate spambot? Because I've seen this sort of thing before and I have my doubts...Mary-You again have my sympathy. I know how hard it is when your gut feelings seem so different from what you've rationalized. Hang in there! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted June 4, 2011 Report Share Posted June 4, 2011 (edited) mind explaining how you arrive at such a conclusion ?what about cases where depressed individuals ' cling ' to a certain ideology for support ?Mary's thread is not the place for such discussion. I'd be happy to discuss your thoughts, but not here. Why don't you start up a thread for discussion? This is a place to support Mary.Mary, we are here for you. Edited June 4, 2011 by IrmaJean Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetSue Posted June 4, 2011 Report Share Posted June 4, 2011 Hi Mary,Just wanted to send you a hug............ {{{{Hugs}}}}I hope that today is kind to you Take care Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notmary Posted June 6, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 6, 2011 feeling really shaky. Had a long episode of being "outside of me" today. Something happened that I don't understand and I am very scared. i think that I am having a nervous breakdown. I drank too much last night and I was intimate with my husband. I think that this might have triggered the separation. Usually I am sort of aware of what is happening when I leave myself... kind of watching from the upper corner. but today it was like it was a completely new unknown person and I wasnt connected at all. I am so scared and I want to hide away so that no one can find me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted June 6, 2011 Report Share Posted June 6, 2011 I'm here, Mary. I'm sorry you're hurting and scared. It's going to be okay. I'll sit with you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notmary Posted June 6, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 6, 2011 thank you IJ. I dont feel like it will be ok. I wish I could cease to be. I am so hurt. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetSue Posted June 6, 2011 Report Share Posted June 6, 2011 Sorry you are hurting :)Things will be ok hunTake care Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted June 6, 2011 Report Share Posted June 6, 2011 Mary, I am so sorry you hurt. You are a valuable human being. I hope the pain lessens. Sending serene and healing vibes. Can you call your therapist? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notmary Posted June 6, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 6, 2011 i dont know what i would say... that i am fucking crazy... that i am a ruined piece of trash that will never be ok because i am a dirty whore i think i need to recognize that i am too damaged Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted June 6, 2011 Report Share Posted June 6, 2011 Mary, I hope you can find the way back to being gentle with yourself now. Remember...his words were lies. You are none of those things. You're a good person. A valuable person. Keep fighting, Mary. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notmary Posted June 6, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 6, 2011 i am hearing his voice loud and clear tonight and i cant seem to drown it out i feel so dirty and i want to get him out of me forever Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted June 6, 2011 Report Share Posted June 6, 2011 Have you ever tried singing to yourself? Maybe something soft and soothing? Tell him to get away, leave you alone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notmary Posted June 6, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 6, 2011 i am going to try to sleep i am sorry for freaking out. i am disgusted with myself for what i did and for being dirty.thanks IJ... i am not worth it but i sure do appreciate you being with me. it helps when i don't feel so alone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted June 6, 2011 Report Share Posted June 6, 2011 Good night, Mary. Take gentle care of yourself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notmary Posted June 7, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 7, 2011 feeling like humpty dumpty but dont know if putting me back to gether again is worth the effort remembering hurts breathing hurts living hurts i hurt and i am a broken piece of trash Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
malign Posted June 7, 2011 Report Share Posted June 7, 2011 Mary,It's true that there is pain ... but you know, the way to break through it is the same as it is with physical pain. If you have a toothache, for instance, it will not go away the more you think about it. In fact, your best bet is to get as deeply involved in thinking about something else, in living, as possible.The same is true of painful thoughts, like calling yourself names. Sure, if you keep twisting the knife in the wound, it'll keep hurting. Maybe there's something else you could do?Honestly, he doesn't deserve nearly as much of your time as you give him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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