A Realization

[Waiting]

I think i figured something out today. In retrospect it seems obvious and maybe to you who know what is going on with me you will find it as no surprise.

Over the last few weeks I have had three instances of being calm and feeling pretty good. In each case they followed accepting something. In each case (other than the currant instance so far) this have dissipated.

The first time after hearing there was really no chance to get my job back, not because I was wrong, but because my issues didn't really fit anywhere. This was after I found my gf had left me six months ago. I decided to give up hope for any justice and I would accept what happened.

A few days later I took a similar approach with my gf. That we were no more, I would be her friend and what happens would happen. Again calmness.

Today it happened again. This time the focus was on what i could do to help her as a friend of someone with her issues. Again calm.

But this time upon reflection I realize the key element of all of these. It is moving the focus from my loss. I think that is the focus.

Many people have told me a need to be selfish, I must focus on me, but this seems to make me focus on what i have lost and aim to get it back. It makes me feel sad, abused, alone. if I focus on something else, like helping people here or simply being a friend to my gf then the sense of loss goes away. I remember during the first calm I was far more forgiving of other drivers.

I am unsure how this helps me or what will become of it in the log run but it feels very good right now and I am going to keep working on this.

[Leo1954]

Hi!

Waiting I have just read your post. You have been a very good person everything & I know you have responded to me quite a few times. I think you are focused on here because it does take your mind or try to take your mind and put it into others pain & help them you have helped me in quite a no. of ways. Now how can I help you? Everything I am going through somehow I have to shut my mind down to focus on here. This is the only support system & I want and will give you the support you need. Can you talk?

[pseudome]

Waiting--that sounds like an awesome realization. I've been dying for calm in my life. You've been very supportive of me since I joined a few days ago. I wish you all the best.

[pseudome]

Many people have told me a need to be selfish, I must focus on me, but this seems to make me focus on what i have lost and aim to get it back. It makes me feel sad, abused, alone. if I focus on something else, like helping people here or simply being a friend to my gf then the sense of loss goes away.

How do you get your head around this? How do you break out of bad thought patterns?

[Waiting]

Thanks Leo and Pseudome,

I appreciate your support very much. I can talk and am happy to answer anything you might like to know.

My story is pretty long but the biggest element is that my girlfriend left me. She did this to preserve her sanity. She could not love me, forced away from me with the fear I would go to prison. There is also a guilt element to this as well.

I can't abandon her as a friend and I don't want to as a partner either. I am caught between the grief of losing her and the hope we shall be again. I can't even legally talk to her so I have to wait for the criminal process to end. there is about two months left. I feel powerless to do anything.

There are more details in my blog, but it is a lot of reading.

[Leo1954]

It's hell to get away from patterns like I'm suppose to be smoking quit for 2 yrs.but, started back! I think only to break a pattern is try to keep doing the same pattern but it's like a addiction slowly change the pattern to somethingthat is similar but different. Now I haven't tried it yet but hey I'm willing. Does that make sinc or am I talking out of my ---?

If I am I'll think why I'm cleaning the house now that is a pattern I wish I could change!!

It kinda sounds like an addiction because I do it the same time every day hey great pattern to change!

Waiting I know you are wanting to be your gf friend. Do you think you can really be a friend without still wanting it to be the way it was before?

[Waiting]

Hi Leo,

I am not certain at all and I am not convinced it might be the way it was before. Lets just say at this point I am worried about her and want to be for her as a friend to help her. We will see how it works.

Before we were lovers we were the best friends and she was the best friend I have ever had. When I was with her it was the happiest time of my life and it was broken up by outside forces. On top of this I think she may be BPD. i realize that means a relationship with her may be hell, but I was there for two years and loved it.

The short answer is that I don't think I could live with myself if I just gave up on her now and I don't even think I could. I know she wants to be friends, so i will go for there. It may be intolerable and I will likely be painful, but for now I feel I must try.

[Leo1954]

I agree with you. You sound like you are a wonderful person to be a friend with.

I am also bpd I might be the opposite of what you are describing about her bpd. I get depressed & manicky. Hey it might be hell for you to have to deal with it, but you don't sound like the type that would give up easily. Can you find a group that can help with you to learn more about bpd. She I don't know but sounds like a person that is just I know a person like ME! It's hard I'm sure to have a relationship with someone who has bpd but, also it will work for you if you & you sound like you want to try even if it is a friendship!

Don't give up please you sound like you want it to work so go for it!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Waiting]

Thanks Leo.

I don't give up easy.

When we had a fight she would bring up so many hurtful things about me, but afterwards she would be good. She has run away and I followed always being with her. i never judged her. I always said it was not her it was what she had even though I didn't know what it was.

I do want to try. I would dearly love to be with her again, but if not I will try my best to be her friend. She has another boyfriend now, but she doesn't love him. Either way I will start as her friend. i think we were made for each other.

[soregretful]

Nothing wrong with focusing on yourself Leo. You have to take care of yourself...you have been good to me. Best wishes!

[Waiting]

You must take care of yourself, but in this case this is something i need to try. I can't just give this up without giving it my best shot. Not something I can live with.