But why shouldn't I SI? heavy triggering

[Darkness]

It isn't going so well for me now.

I started to again and my mom walked in on me... she at first thought I was masturbaing, until I refused to show my arm...

I later went downstairs and asked her if I could talk to her real quick. She was like "right now?"

I told her "Yes" Her expression I think was of disgust/annoyance, and I had a sweater in my hand I was going to get washed for school tommorow. I got mad and meant to hit the sweater on the edge of the couch and the sleeve accidentally hit my mom's stomach. She yelled and told me she was scarred of me.

My brother also told me that they may 'need to call someone' as a taunt when wanting to see my arm, as a subtle hint. I refused saying no one can do anything I am not a threat to anyone. He said "See we are not too sure of that."

Oh god I am sick of this idea that people who SI are suicidal/homicidal

damn stereotypes!

I'm going to try and find out my rights to not get treated if they call someone, or someone calls someone. I am NOT going to any place against my will.

[pseudome]

I know it's a stereotype and hence a separate issue altogether, but you were sounding pretty suicidal yesterday. Did your family know about that at all?

Also, what was it you were trying to talk to your mom about? Were you eventually able to talk to her? Sorry to hear your family is being so difficult.

The real trap, the real issue as I've mentioned above is not that we need a reason not to cut--there's plenty of reasons not to cut. The problem is that there are plenty of reason also to cut. We need to get rid of those reasons. Do you know what your reasons are? Frustration? Depression? Lonliness? (Sorry if I'm annoying--I'm in problem solving mode--trying to head into the night with a positive outlook...grinning till my face sticks that way or some such.)

[Darkness]

Ya I talked to her about it, explaining after so many years why I do it.

I know I was sounding suicidal a couple of days ago, I'm way over that. It was a in the moment kind of thing.

I know why I do it, what triggers me, and all that. That is part of the reason in the past I can be good about not doing it and doing something else instead, I understand how it works for me.

Though recently I have been doing it for some reasons I hav't as much in the past, but I know them.

I guess knowing is half the battle. Hold in there man.

[pseudome]

So what sort of things do you do instead when you can?

[Darkness]

I used to listen to an mp3 and bike outside around town. That worked best. A friend is good too if they understand and know about it, though it depends on the person.

Video games work too. You just have to try different stuff you like doing, and see what works best. Something that calms you down/eats up your attention. If you are one of the kinds that cuts when you feel bad you may notice that as you get caught up in what your doing the emotions, and with it the urge to cut, passes away.

It's mostly distracting yourself until you get out of the heat of the moment with something fun/attention sucking.

[pseudome]

That's hard to do though in the middle of the night when I don't even feel like moving. I don't know.

Trying to find my zen right now. Music going. Ready to hit the sack. If failure is emminent at any point during the night I might pop back on here.

Take care, Darkness!

[Guest ASchwartz]

Does your mother ever listen to what you say? Does she ever give you the chance to say it?

By the way, while self injury is not a good idea, don't you have any privacy at home? Your mother can just walk in on you, unannounced, and anytime she wants? It seems to me that your family may lack boundaries?

Allan

[Darkness]

The room I was in, is a spare bedroom I will often sleep in lately. We also keep the clean laundry in there, she was getting clothes for something. There is a latch on the door, but it's kinda broken.

I do not think it was really a boundary thing; but we may have that issue. When the latch started to work I played dumb and she came in, I didn't expect her to, and she saw me acting weird with my nearby jacket over my arm, and she questioned me. My brother clued her in earlier because he was suspicious.

Kind of my fault they found out, I dropped one really strong clue a few days before I started, being an idiot.

Though I do not think she cares at all why I do it, she just wants me to stop and be 'normal'. Yes, I have had problems my whole life and caused a lot of drama, maybe I am too needy, but hell, at least I have legit reasons for being clingy/needy, but it isn't that bad imo except when I get deprived.

You know what though? A dream I had last night clued me in; I'm just damn lonely but don't want to trust anyone.

[pseudome]

You know what though? A dream I had last night clued me in; I'm just damn lonely but don't want to trust anyone.

That's a rough place to be. Feel free to PM me anytime if you need to chat, man.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Darkness,

In my opinion, it is a boundary issue. Its interesting that the clean laundry is kept in your room. Why not your mother's room or some other room. As a woman you are entitled to and deserve privacy. It reminds me of a patient I had many, many years ago whose room had the only television. What happened? Everyone intruded into her space. The same thing. Why was the TV there?

Allan

[pseudome]

Darkness,

In my opinion, it is a boundary issue. Its interesting that the clean laundry is kept in your room. Why not your mother's room or some other room. As a woman you are entitled to and deserve privacy. It reminds me of a patient I had many, many years ago whose room had the only television. What happened? Everyone intruded into her space. The same thing. Why was the TV there?

Allan

I thought Darkness said it was a spare bedroom he sometimes sleeps in and not his actual room. Also, Darkness, you are a dude right? I'm pretty sure I wasn't just assuming this but that I read it on another post. Do correct me if I'm wrong.

Anyways, how are things with you today? I'm two days cutting-free myself right now. Hoping to keep on track. I've really messed myself up this go round.

So back to the topic of reasons not to cut would be what I see all over my chest when I look in the mirror right now, together with the pain of it all healing. Some of the cuts are deeper than others. Some are seeping. Some are a little inflamed. Taking a shower is killer right now. Just trying to keep it all clean and disinfected so it heals up. I feel like such a dumbass.

[Athena]

Whatever you guys do, don't label yourselves "cutters". Somebody asked me if I was a "cutter" today. I cringed. I think I am over it, thought about it momentarily the other day. Had a glass of wine instead. One is all it takes to get rid of the urge. I know it's not great to replace one unhealthy coping mechanism with another, but if you can stop at one glass and don't feel compelled to have one every night, that's a step up from cutting. Sometimes baby-steps are easier. Anyway, I think labeling myself would have made things much more difficult.

[mscat]

Whatever you guys do, don't label yourselves "cutters". Somebody asked me if I was a "cutter" today. I cringed. I think I am over it, thought about it momentarily the other day. Had a glass of wine instead. One is all it takes to get rid of the urge. I know it's not great to replace one unhealthy coping mechanism with another, but if you can stop at one glass and don't feel compelled to have one every night, that's a step up from cutting. Sometimes baby-steps are easier. Anyway, I think labeling myself would have made things much more difficult.

you are so correct. I tend to do this . Instead od self injury, I'll drink as much beer as I can with my brother, listening to music and singing songs> then going home taking my meds, just so I could crash hard. Always works. I tend to overmedicate myself at night, I guess thinking it is easier to not wake up ever again , a good way to go. I did take four more over the counter sleeping pills last night along with the reg. meds, and too many anxiety meds again. I got to quit doing that.

I was triggered real hard the other night when my niece came over wit her friend who accidently burned herself and needed help. of course she knew who to go to the right person for burns.... I help her even though I do not like this person who got hurt. this person lost her kids due to abusing them . So I am not fond of her. But helped her anyway. They were minor burns. No big deal, but knew they hurt, because the minor burns hurt worse then more seriouis ones.

it triggered me a little bit.

[Darkness]

I thought Darkness said it was a spare bedroom he sometimes sleeps in and not his actual room. Also, Darkness, you are a dude right? I'm pretty sure I wasn't just assuming this but that I read it on another post. Do correct me if I'm wrong.

Anyways, how are things with you today? I'm two days cutting-free myself right now. Hoping to keep on track. I've really messed myself up this go round.

So back to the topic of reasons not to cut would be what I see all over my chest when I look in the mirror right now, together with the pain of it all healing. Some of the cuts are deeper than others. Some are seeping. Some are a little inflamed. Taking a shower is killer right now. Just trying to keep it all clean and disinfected so it heals up. I feel like such a dumbass.

I've went about three days without cutting myself as well. I've felt the water against cuts before, I can't imagine how it is for you in the shower. Perhaps we are on our way out of this, I did it about three or four times in this relapse, and it would be great if it stays that way. I won't be able to wear short sleeves with the most obviously self-inflicted scars I have seen in a good while. I'll have to wait a couple of weeks for them to fade enough before I can wear short sleeves again.

Also, you are right. It is a spare bedroom, it isn't mine. There is a single bed in there which is used irregularly. My room I share with my brother, and we have a bunk bed. We never have problems with privacy, we share with each other a lot of stuff, I usually share with him mostly everything, bar most of the sexual stuff. I just prefer to sleep in a different room sometimes is all.

And even at that I didn't tell her to NOT come in, I was all like "uh, I don't know why it won't open, must be stuck." That latch needs fixed >.> The frame bulges out in the middle and the hole the bar goes into slides out with a small enough push.

Also, I am a guy. =D

[Athena]

Boy, gender is so tricky to sort out here sometimes. Thanks Pseudome and Darkness for clearing that up. You get an idea in your head from somewhere then find out you got it totally wrong. Hope I didn't say anything too stupid on a previous post.

[pseudome]

I've went about three days without cutting myself

Good stuff. Keep it up.

[pseudome]

bad idea bad idea right?

trying to not

[pseudome]

oops... fail...

[Athena]

But you managed to delay for longer, right? Pat yourself on the back for that. Baby steps....

[pseudome]

But you managed to delay for longer, right? Pat yourself on the back for that. Baby steps....

I don't know. It's a bit like delaying a drink of water when you're thirsty. Delay it all you want, you're still thirsty, and the thirst will not go away until you drink.

[mscat]

Yep, I have had to deal with self harm that would not go away, those throughts always there swirling around my head , until giving in . To those who Self harm probably knows how hard it is to fight off the urges . hat why it is said that SI is like an addiction. I know that , and fear once I do it it is not going to quit, no matter the pain of it all. It can be such an out of control feeling too, when trying to regain control in the first place. For me , those thoughts come and go, however, it is scary to be right on that edge , and want to so badly. I am scared, because I go at it badly, even too severely, and this is waht I do not want to happen again.

Take care of those cuts, make certain you do, because of infection. Summer is just around the corner, those fresh cuts will heal, and scar up, and possibly noticeable ... Just something to think about.

[Darkness]

i still havnt done it yet again, due to a lack of stressors and a weekend. hell I dropped out recently and am going in tomorrow to resign from the private school. so who knows if that changes soon or not.

And SI isn't "like an addiction", it is an addiction.

idk it's kind of weird, my relapses seem to only last for a few days before disapearing for at least a couple of months before recurring. I do not seem to do it like everyday for a long time. I used to do it ALOT for at least three periods of time (the first time and two huge relapses lasting months or weeks) but that seems less common now.

Is this an issue then if I only cut four to six times every 6 months? Or was I just caught in the moment? idk im tired its 5 in the morning and i am wondering how much i was worrying at the time or if i just found other things/something about stressors going away im tired ok bye niwwwwwwwwwwww

zzzz

wait sorry um. ya.

idk my mind is fuzzy wwwwwwwwwooooooooooooooooo!

ok ok. qIR,? WHAT? ok. lol sorry agian, i'm really tired.

anyway, just speaking out loud my thoughts from the top of my mind with no filter.

wait, ITS FUCKING 5:05 AND I HAS A PLACE TO BE IN THE MORNING!@!!!! lol dropping out shouldn't feel this good, but i dont like that place. yay for G.E.D. or highschool diploma from public school in a year! take my pick.

maybe it is a combination, im getting rid of school as a stressor, and am talking with this girl that may go out with me, shes expressed willing to do so some time soon. grr i feel bad now. GL psedume, you'll get there. you went that long without doign it again, just make it a little longer next time, and then again next time. baby steps as it was said.

[Darkness]

Almost cut yesterday, but my bro sensed I might I guess, he told me he was being serious, and he didn't want me to

he said

"Don't cut yourself."

"Go away."

"In all seriousness, please don't."

He sparked the part of a fight we had earlier with the family, I walked home from a store about 11 blocks from our house and I walked home cause of it. He brought up my school and I think he felt bad about it, maybe part of what I said in response about it being my life and it being my choice to drop out and get a G.E.D. IDK though... he doesn't tell people how he is feeling, he is introverted.

anyway, feeling down somewhat. might cut later if not for feeling dissociated.

[pseudome]

Dude, hang in there. Try to stick it out if you can. I'm sorry I didn't respond to you post a few days ago--been a little low myself. But it looks like you've made some big decisions, yeah? How are you feeling about leaving school? Out with old stress/in with new stress, or is it mostly what you wanted? Feel free to PM me anytime if you need to talk. Wishing you well.

[pseudome]

Been on a good streak, but the urge is getting reeeeeeaaaaallly strong. I feel like it's all going to come down to whether a nightmare hits tonight or not. It's not going to take much to put me over the edge. My first therapist appointment is in two days and I'm getting really anxious about it. I was filling out the paper work earlier and it's amazingly difficult to answer some of those questions. It's like I don't want to admit it to anyone. "presenting problem" What is my "presenting problem?" Can I put "I'm a dumbass" in that spot?