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I am tired of crying


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Today I drove home from a family get together with my kids. It is a pretty long drive: 1.5 hours.

I fell apart. I cried much of the way. I feel so lost. I am trying to convince myself that I will be the best friend I can be to her, but my heart is in tatters. I can't let go of my love. I know if we are just friends even our friendship will not be the same, not as she is. I know we were so good together and I know I can't control her nor do I want too. She was my best friend, my confidant, my support, my sanity. my love. She is not happy and I am not happy. We can't talk and by the time we can she will be be in another city. No matter what I have to survive for two months before we can talk. I am afraid I am too much in tatters for her connect to. I need to get myself together but I don't know how. I know this is only a possibility. I know that it may be too late. I know no matter what I need to get myself together, but i have been shattered by so much. I am in bits and pieces.

I try to reform m thoughts. I try to counter my anxiety, but anxiety is all around. I have no job, I could go to prison, my best friend / girlfriend left me, I have no child support, I have nothing.

I know I am smart. I know I am capable. I know I am a good person. I know people like me. But everything for two years has gone wrong and then gone wronger.

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I totally get where you're coming from. I'm desperately missing my girl as well. I'm so focused right now on getting her back getting her back getting her back. Every so often the thought that she may not actually ever take me back slams me like a mac truck and I can't breathe. My hope and my fear is that it hinges on me. If I get better she will come back. But what if I get better and she doesn't. What if I can't get better?

These words of yours say it exactly:

I need to get myself together but I don't know how. I know this is only a possibility. I know that it may be too late. I know no matter what I need to get myself together, but i have been shattered by so much. I am in bits and pieces.

I don't think I'm offering you much help... Except maybe to say yeah, you're not alone.

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Thanks Pseudome. Not being alone is the most important help there is at times. I was explaining to my 15 year old daughter as she didn't understand how I could feel alone among a large family gathering today. I explained I feel even more alone then, because he I am surrounded by people who love me and not one of them can help me. Not one of them really understands.

You do.

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I feel so much sadness for you. I forget sometimes that I am not the only person wiith unhappiness right now. Deep in my heart I know there is a survival instinct and that no matter how low I get or how much I have allowed others to hurt me this instinct will see me through. I feel very lonely in large groups of people and I always have and people look at me like I'm crazy when I say this.

Very small steps are better to imorove life. One hour at a time and one small change at a time and one day you will look back at this time and be all the stronger. I really hope that things improve soon for you. Take care.

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