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I am not quite sure what I´m doing right now


sadgreeneyes
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He txt tonight would I wait these 2 months and I said I think he will leave me and hurt me in 2 months, I said I was scared and that I have cried, he said really we should wait and said he might txt me he be back with me, so I said ok, he said thank you again and then he txt much about this trip, wanted to know which hotel and exactly the details when I arrive and leave back (even he will not come to see me ), he said he hoped I´d remember I´m still his wife ( like who is the one to say ), so much I have been grieving and still is, its not just to forget like Ns do. So he was busy I did not meet or talk with anyone, not go far, and cover my body, which is all fine. But why he care after divorcing me in the first place I just dont quite understand, I guess it is the control he wants and of course its true there are many bad people, but its very ironic to say, like he has been nice. He even thought I wasnt going to travel as he asked would I really go to jordan next week. I dont know why he has doubted that.

Like I want another man when I´m grieving the "loss" of my husband.

And just because he txt me I booked hotel and travel and I am not sure if I know what I´m doing, I feel in a fog and not in touch with myself quite, I am anxious because of little money, just enough to maybe survive the trip.

If it wasnt for him txt ( even he doesnt come see me) I would not travel. Now I travel because he lifted my depression in some way, and I dont lose the money for the trip, yet I feel very strange in some way, I guess I am anxious traveling without a goal to meet someone to be with. I am probably silly to make this trip, I cant think really properly. Just wish me good luck, I think I need it.:confused:

I feel I´m standing on a cliff, should I jump or not, scared will it be ok to jump.

Edited by sadgreeneyes
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Green eyes,

I don't know who you are, but please don't jump. Pains in the heart hurt really badly, but just like everyone here is telling me, there would be a lot of people who would miss you if you were gone. Maybe I am just trying to be altruistic because I am need myself, but step back from the cliff. There are certainly some people behind you that are willing to catch you somewhere. I am trying to find the power to love myself again too, and maybe by doing this, I can find a way.

Hugs!

You ARE worth it because you are YOU!!

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Hi soregretful,

oh no I didnt mean to jump litterally, I am sorry if I got misunderstood? I meant like scared to travel, like feeling I`m standing on a cliff to jump. Maybe it would be silly to travel but I think the only reason I travel is I have this tiny little hope he would show up. Just like others have told me and they are right, he wont show up for me. I am sure too he wont show up and it will make me sad I know. On the other side I think what if he did and I would regret not be there when he or if he should txt am I there. But it scares me. This is why I feel should I "jump" on this trip or not. Its scary.

Oh I am just a mess, wish things wasnt the way they are:(

Edited by sadgreeneyes
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Hi Waiting,

well, I am staying home instead as he said he couldnt come see me as I do this iddah. I talked with my sis and her male friend.

I told my husband nothing about this but said I had talked with this male friend of my sis, so thats why I was late answering him. I knew it would make him nervous even he said he didnt remember who this male friend of my sis was. ( the one who refuses me marrying him so fast) I think my husband remember him if he think a bit hard.

Then it was quiet for a while and the txts started coming on my phone how I had to work for him to be with me if we he should back with me. I cant work harder than the work office and I am not the authorities you know, I said.

He said he would work his best with his parents, when I said how we gonna be together if the parents doesnt accept me, he said they started pushing him after our case got rejected.

I must say its weird they want him to marry jordan woman when I am his wife, I can understand they want him to be near them, but how come he can live with jordan woman there but not me. I told him this, and yes it must be that I am white and not worthy and accepted.

What is the difference if he live with me there or with a jordan woman.

If they are not racists because of their twisted religion then there are no different.

Now he just switched over and tell me to forget everything else if he comes and live with me and everything will be ok. Like wiping all his words away.

I said yes if I get the money, I said everything is my work, that he doesnt help me for us to be together, and that I am trash if I dont have the right income and that I wished he would love me for me.

I am so exhausted and I dont want that pressure on me again, the money. He could have done something himself, but he doesnt even want break the iddah and chose to see me.

Edited by sadgreeneyes
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Hi Waiting,

yes it feels like it never ends, he switch back and forth, nothing is calm and stable, no support or help. I just wrote in other thread its unbelievable how he think things work, he sit divorced ignoring me while telling me to really work hard now for him and me to be together and all will be fine. It doesnt seems like he think for a moment that I have problems fixing this as fast as he wants and if not I will be discarded. But as a N/P they think they have the right to sit back looking how other people work for them without lifting a finger:rolleyes:

Edited by sadgreeneyes
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