Fear

[finding my way]

rubies, I am sorry for your pain I hope you are doing ok and are able to get some help:o

[Leo1954]

Hi!

Rubies

I haven't replied back to you but, I have been reading your posts. Please go into the hospital. You are reaching out and asking for help which is very positive!! Just pretend like it's a mini vacation. Put your mind into somebody's elses hand that will definitely help sraighten things out with you one on one if necessary. I think you are a great person. Hell I would like to scream but, I probably never stop![smartass comment about me]

Everybody on here is pulling for you and don't want to hear the pain you're in because we all want you to have some enlightment that you are due. OK?

Also I love your avatar!!

[rubies]

.......

[malign]

Rubies,

Whatever way you can tell your therapist is a good way.

I've known lots of people, many of them from this site, who first managed to communicate difficult things with their therapists by writing.

Just because people might have a right to call you names doesn't mean they should. And that includes the names that many of us call ourselves.

[rubies]

........

[Sissagwaad]

Last night I could sleep very well and I was able to start speaking again in the morning. When I met my therapist, I was smiling and her first sentence was ’Ah, I see that you are better now!’. I couldn’t tell her anything after it. My words stuck in my throat and I couldn’t ask for help. I couldn't even give my letter to her, I was scared of something. I was scared of that I will break her happiness.

I’m so sorry for that you all put this much effort into encouraging me and I couldn’t do it.

I wish I were in a hospital. I just can’t ask for it, something blocks me every time when I start speaking about myself.

I have to write an essay about my accident now and all the pictures and sounds came up. I really don't want to continue writing but I must.

Fear has attacked me again.

I used to be a very timid person too, growing up,...quiet...in away i guess afraid, not sure of myself. Learning to trust ourselves can be a lifelong journey, not all distressing, you will discover.

so, how did the rest of the session work out???

You surmise you'd be responsible for 'breaking her happiness?"

Yes, fear can really upset anyone, and tie them up, as it seems you are experiencing.

Know that you are surrounded by love. bw

[malign]

Rubies,

I hope you won't be too hard on yourself about this. You certainly don't owe me an apology.

Many of those people I told you about, who ended up writing to their therapists ... well, many of them had to try several times to get up the courage. It's okay to go at your own speed.

Your therapist was happy for you. If you weren't really happy, I'm sure she'd want to know, so that she could help. Can you contact her during the rest of the week, by phone or e-mail, maybe?

[rubies]

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[rubies]

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[CantGiveItAway]

You are not alone...Ill stay with you here awhile if you want.

[rubies]

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[spiritual_emergency]

Hello rubies. I can stay here with you for a while too. As you can see, there are many people who are willing to be with you through these difficulties. I'm wondering if it would be helpful if you imagined us standing between you and the other world. Maybe that would help create a barrier that would keep it away from you for awhile while you tend to your studies. Would that help?

~ Namaste

[rubies]

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[spiritual_emergency]

Okay. And if anyone on the other side wants to hurt you, I'll do my best to keep them away from you (I can be quite fierce in some respects). I think you're quite a remarkable person rubies and you deserve to live. Your circumstances sound very challenging and I'm not sure if I could do what you're trying to do right now, hold things together so you can finish your exams. It seems to me as well, that you're very intelligent -- I've not known many people who can speak a handful of languages. I'm sure this will help you with your examinations as well.

Anyway, imagine us standing there and let's see if that helps. Would you like to continue talking for a bit or would you like to return to your studies for a while now?

~ Namaste

[rubies]

........

[spiritual_emergency]

Oh. This was interesting. While I was sitting here with you rubies, I became curious about your name so I googled it to see what "rubies" means.

Keywords: Spiritual wisdom, health, knowledge, bliss, transition, change, choices

Metaphysical Properties:

The energy of Ruby is intense and vivid.

It is the chosen stone of Leaders, Kings and Priests for its ability to guide and help make wise and noble decisions.

It is said that the the power of Ruby is in its encouragement to follow your dreams and your bliss, helping you to change your world. Ruby will bring light to the dark places in one's life, bringing a spark of awareness where you might still need work, and giving you the opportunity to clear that path. Ruby also heightens our love for life, giving us motivation to choose wisely for ourselves and others.

Eliminates the "Martyr" syndrome, the underlying belief that you are somehow "less than" that sets you up to fail by thinking that you need to experience pain and suffering to learn. The Universe has all of infinity at its disposal to teach you, it does not need you to be its whipping boy.

Ruby's wisdom is in teaching you how precious you are. You were handcrafted in Love and meant to be happy.

For people in recovery, it is said to reduce the time needed for chemicals and toxins to exit the body.

Ruby stimulates the heart chakra. It helps you to change and make the transition from the person you are today, to the person you want to be, and you wish to be in your heart.

- Improves ones outcome in controversies and disputes

- Excellent protection stone

Source: The Meaning of Ruby

There was more there as well but I thought that was very interesting because some of those things seem very relevant to where you are and the challenges you face. Also, I liked the idea that a Ruby was a good protection stone.

[spiritual_emergency]

rubies: ... if I imagine you there, I can realize that they are just flowers. Although these switches of viewpoints are really painful. I don't even know how I can do them. Last year I couldn't do them, I remained freaked out of the plants and couldn't realize that they are just plants.

There are many things that are difficult to do alone, but I'm glad to know it's helping you to imagine people like myself and CantGiveItAway with you. Perhaps it would help to imagine everyone who has responded helpfully as lining up between you and the other world. Bear in mind that all of us want you to be safe.

My books seem friendly but I can't read now. I can't focus on anything.

Is it possible you're really tired? Would you be able to lay down and get some rest if we stayed nearby, if only as a form of benevolent presence?

[rubies]

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[spiritual_emergency]

I think I will try it and imagine you protecting me from the other side.

Yes. I've been to that other world too and it doesn't frighten me. I also have helpers I can call on to protect me so you needn't worry about me standing in between -- I will be fine. In fact, I'm listening to my music and I'm feeling very comfortable and content.

You lay down and get some rest. I'll stay here and continue to listen to my music. Oh, I also wanted to suggest that you create that protective circle within the square that we talked about before and maybe, imagine it filled with a beautiful ruby colored light for extra protection.

~ Namaste

[rubies]

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[spiritual_emergency]

Thank you for sharing that song with me Rubies. It's got a techno vibe to it. I'll listen to it as well.

~ Namaste

[spiritual_emergency]

Hello rubies,

I'm continuing to listen to my music and explore some of the themes we have talked about. I'm posting a few things here for you to read later, hopefully after you've managed to have some sleep.

Here's some more information as related to colors and chakras, specifically, the color of red...

Root Chakra ~

Sanskrit Name: Muladhara

Location: Base of Spine

Color: Red

The root chakra is the grounding force that allows us to connect to the earth energies and empower our beings. The first chakra represents our relationship with our physical bodies and with the material world. It grounds us in physical existence. When balanced, its energy helps us to blend the physical and spiritual, and to eliminate that which is no longer needed for growth. We enjoy physical existence. When unbalanced, we may be afraid of life, feel like victims, feel fearful, anxious, insecure, frustrated, withdraw from physical reality, or operate in our own interests only. Physical symptoms can include any difficulties with feet, hips, legs, lower back, sexual organs.

The root chakra is related to the anus and the adrenal glands. When poorly grounded, your spatial understanding is impaired. You may stumble around physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. Grounding enhances your ability to function effectively on a day-to-day basis....

Root Chakra Affirmation

The roots of a large tree spread deep underground, anchoring the tree into the earth, use your creative visualisation to imagine roots, going down from your body plunging into the depths of the planet and spreading out, just like the roots of that tree. Envision the prominent bulky roots extending downwards below the surface, broadening from the base of your spine. These roots are the essence that will, enable you to draw into your body the positive frequency of the mother earth. You are now beginning to feel the awareness of a reaction from the planet deep below the surface coursing into your space. As this occurs, you visualise the bulky roots that are beginning to entwine with the waters inside the planet’s core, these waters represent the unconditional love, healing the rarefied energy of the Earth. As your roots entwine with the Earth energy use your senses to experience the awareness of unconditional love.

Source: Root Chakra

This seems similar to some of the suggestions and grounding exercises that findingmyway has suggested to you. Here's a bit more information about the concept of grounding...

What do therapists mean when we talk about grounding?

Grounding is about learning to stay present (or for some get present in the first place) in your body in the here and now. Basically it consists of a set of skills/tools to help you manage dissociation and the overwhelming trauma-related emotions that lead to it. Processing done from a very dissociated state is not useful in trauma work. Neither is the goal to be so overwhelmed by feelings that you feel re-traumatized. Once you are present, you also need to learn other means of managing the feelings and thoughts associated with traumatic memories.

Every one is different. Different grounding techniques will work for different people. The following are some general categories and ideas. Exploring the pros and cons of various approaches with your therapist can be useful.

-Grounding often takes the form of focusing on the present by tuning into it via all your senses. For example, one technique could involve focusing on a sound you hear right now, a physical sensation (what is the texture of the chair you are sitting on, for example?) and/or something you see. Describe each in as much detail as possible.

-Diaphragmatic or deep breathing: Trauma survivors often hold their breath or breathe very shallowly. This in turn deprives you of oxygen which can make anxiety more intense. Stopping and focusing on deepening and slowing your breathing can bring you back to the moment.

-Relaxation, guided imagery or hypnotherapy techniques- folks with dissociative disorders are engaging in a form of self-hypnosis much of the time. The trouble is, it is out of your control! Some trauma therapists are also trained in hypnosis and can help teach you how to use dissociation in a way that works for you. For example: you can develop a safe container for traumatic material between sessions, create a safe or comfortable place (“safe” may not be a concept some survivors can relate to or may be triggering to some) 0r learn ways to turn down the “volume” of painful feelings and memories.

Source: Grounding Techniques

[spiritual_emergency]

I think it's possible that some of the things you've learned today could be added to your personal toolbox. For example, I love the imagery of you surrounded by a clear and beautiful ruby-red color. You might find it helpful to imagine that beautiful light drawing any negativity or poisons out of you and simply absorbing them.

I also like the image of that tree with its roots going deep into the soil. I've known some people who also find it helpful to dig into the earth with their feet or to work with soil and their hands as a means of helping to center themselves during a stressful period. This could include gardening or working with clay.

Water can also help some people to calm, center and ground themselves. A bath or shower can be helpful. Again, you might wish to imagine any negativity being drawn out of you and flushed away or cleansed with the water.

We also talked about creating barriers or containers and some different ways you can do that.

I have to log out now but I will continue to think good thoughts for you rubies. I'm really liking the imagery of that beautiful ruby-red light so I will continue to envision that around you as a protective force.

~ Namaste

[finding my way]

Thinking of you today, rubies!!! I hope you are feeling ok....

[rubies]

Hello spiritual emergency,

Thank you for sharing these grounding techniques with me. I found the one with water quite helpful.

I’ve decided to restart making bobbin lace because it really helps me to stay in this world. The action of creating something is a great power.

I didn’t mention it yet but I live in a dormitory on weekdays. I was at home for the last few weeks but now I moved in again and it’s extremely hard to live here at the moment. I’ve got problems which I want to hide from my roommates. We study all day long with one of my classmates so she can see every little move of mine and it is highly disturbing. I can’t study like she does, I often stop for moments of thinking, I often have to take a rest and do something else because my head is full of thoughts which I don’t know how to manage. I’ve got stranger and stranger thoughts day by day and it is really hard to keep a calm surface of mine. Acting like everything is all right uses all my energy up so there remains fewer and fewer energy for my battle between the two worlds. I’m afraid of that one day I will suddenly break in front of my classmate because of using all my energy up. This would horribly scare her and I would feel terrible after it.

The reason for that I stay here is that my classmate attended to all of the classes and I attended only to a few so I must use her notes to study for the oral exams. Also, the all time attention I get from her helps me to manage my thoughts about harming myslef. For example I have to go to the bathroom if the choking thing comes up on me.

We are friends with my roommates and we can spend time happily together but I feel so alone even if they are with me. Thank you for helping me in this battle, I think that if I would be totally alone in it, then I would surely fail.

Finding my way, your support means a lot to me (: