Fear

[rubies]

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[Sissagwaad]

I think that I should do something because I can't be this exhausted for a long time but the truth is that I can't see the options. Perhaps trying to turn his presence into helpful? I don't think that I could do that by myself... Then perhaps trying not to think about him? Well, I'm already not thinking about him, he is just there, I'm not consciously creating him.

I'm scared of the outer world and tired of the balancing but I don't want to go and hide in my inner world, I don't want to let myself doing that. Now I really don't know what I should do.

it is quite common to fear 'unknowingness'

As far as experiencing exhaustion, yes a fearful response is often quite exhausting.

Someone has said there is nothing to Fear, but fear itself. What do you suppose that means Rubies.

Why do you suppose many people fear, as in perceiving danger, what they don't know or understand?

I confess there is more i do not know, or understand, than I do.

Having acknowledged, taken ownership of my 'dumbness,' where does that leave me? Well, it puts me in an excellent position, if I choose to be, to be open to learning, open to choosing beliefs/notions, which support the quality of emotional experience I truly most want, albeit for the issue of 'fear' getting in the way, limiting me, and exhausting me, .....and, in my judgement this isn't particularly useful.

It's been said by current research experts that there are 13 or more levels of reality, as well as the accepted idea that we generally use perhaps less than 10% of our mental abilities. I recall a thesis on how we are, because of our fears, deletion creatures. That there is actually a lot more going on, in perfect harmony I might add, that we could be aware of, if it were not for our often phasing out input that just can't be made sense of currently, so it is not even heard, or seen. an example of this are 'rods' (check out national geographic if anyone is interested)

It does seem that you are daring to allow yourself perception of more than most, and at the same time, you are valiantly attempting to make sense of some of the many dimensions we could be privy to, if it were not for Fear/and being so deletion prone, (that's the rest of us dummies )

On another point, i always smile, admiringly when i reflect on your choosing 'rubies' as your handle. It is fitting and uplifting, because in my eyes, you are a rare-gem. love and hugs bw

as far as what to do about your awareness of other entities, is to attempt to dialogue with them, befriend them, love them, because ultimately they too are a part of the whole as are you. Like, why are you here? <smilingly> if you have anything challanging going on, ask or invite the powers that be, to continue being your friend, providing guidance, if they have any...etc.etc, making friends goes a long way to disolving sensations of fear, has been my experience.

[finding my way]

So much of your energy is needed for these exams. Can you be gentle with you about the rest? Perhaps later you can explore the programs that SE mentioned and try different methods for turning these realms into something positive. I know I had to have help at key points in my life, and some of it was from reading, some of it was from therapists. It is so hard to have the energy for it all with everything you are doing.

Hope you are getting some good rest today, rubies, that is so important

[rubies]

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[rubies]

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[Sissagwaad]

Hello Sissagwaad,

it is quite common to fear 'unknowingness'

Yes, but the strange thing is that I'm not only afraid of the unknown, I'm afraid of well known things too. I'm scared of everything lately. Perhaps the reason for this is that I'm feeling that I'm not in a stable condition now and can't trust myself. If I don't trust myself, than how should I trust anyone or anything other?

Someone has said there is nothing to Fear, but fear itself.

This sentence makes a lot of sense. The difficult thing is to truly believe it and to use it in everyday life. Even if I know that there's nothing to fear from, a feeling starts to dominate my mind and my rational mind gets trapped and gets weaker and weaker under this domination.

'fear' getting in the way, limiting me, and exhausting me, .....and, in my judgement this isn't particularly useful.

in my judgement too, this isn't useful. This is also an exhausting thing; knowing and realizing things while not knowing how to start acting in the right way. The things I realize and the things I feel are in a constant battle. Sometimes they mix with each other and I just can't find my way in this mixture.

as far as what to do about your awareness of other entities, is to attempt to dialogue with them, befriend them, love them, because ultimately they too are a part of the whole as are you.

I'm afraid of that if I started a dialogue with him, then I would sink too deep into my inner world. I have to stay in the outer world at least for a month so all I do is accepting his presence. His presence makes this world a little more comfortable. I still feel strange because of it.

I'm so very disappointed in my psychologist. She called me today and said that she talked with my psychiatrist and that they want to raise my dose of my meds and that she wants to tell my mum all of what I've told her.

So I made a lot of effort and started opening up to her and all I get is the raise of my meds just before my exams and that she tells my mum my innermost things. Lovely.

Right, and my sense is your psychiatrist is wanting this why? maybe because SHE is afraid. Afraid because she perhaps doesn't feel confident about knowing any other way to feel safe about her relationship as Dr.

Telling your family of HER fears, lets her in part off the hook partially, and inturn your family is going to pick up on her fears.

Idealistically she will simply let them know of your challanges, not to alarm them, and is very clear on this, that you are needing more than anything, loving, acceptance, supportive admiration, that you are doing an awesome job under the stress/worry/fears you are as most would experience, when allowing oneself to consider there may be more going on than we for the most part allow ourselves to recognize or to acknowledge. (Classic deletion/self-preservation)

As far as upping your sedative medications, which can have adverse reactions, you are the boss. Ask questions, Research. Don't blindly accept that because they went to drug company supported universities, that they automatically are experts on you. love and hugs, bw

[Sissagwaad]

Books can be incredible friends indeed. Particularly biographical ones from people who have walked similar challanging paths, and share how they found their way out of the pot-holes they found themselves in.

Yes legalized lethal drugs, can have lasting upsetting side-effects.

Current research attests to the fact that placebo's work just as well, without the extremely harmful side-effects, and for many horrendous withdrawl issues, which most psychiatrists, pooh-pooh as inconsequential.

(they're not the ones being subjected to these risks and effects)

[Sissagwaad]

I am not saying stop taking these legalized lethal drugs.

If one is on a program, and has been taking them, do not take it upon yourself to just stop. Nothing could be more dangerous.

do the research. Google your med's by putting in words such as withdrawl, side effects, problems, and see what you can learn about what is going on. Be informed, rather than relying on others to tell you what is good for you, what they believe, and what they think you should be doing.

supportively, with love....bw

[rubies]

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[rubies]

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[Sissagwaad]

and more power to you for doing so. (talking about it)

I like to believe, you are aware, at some level, that ultimately you are not at all responsible for your mothers possible actions.

Your first responsibility is ultimately to yourself. I see little to gain from having your mothers fears, and possible emotional imaturities adding to or further complicating your own.....At some point of course, when you perhaps are stronger, and clearer, you'll feel more capable to include her, from a place of less reactive fear from the actions of your Mum when you were little.

You've clearly got quite a lot of gifts, and quite a survival instinct, to have made it this far. Living and learning, learning to love...aka absence of fear. hugs bw

What i meant by 'you're the boss,' is I don't believe that legally they can force you on any legalized drugging, and skillfully they gain your acquiescence. I believe its only when one is considered an outright danger to themselves, can an order be made to deem one not capable of making their own decisions, and others have absolute control over medications. The more knowledgeable one is, the more intelligently one can engage and dialogue the mind-set of ones psychiatrist's direction of 'treatment.' Unfortunately for many it often evolves around administering a chemical straitjacket, rather than any authentic resolution efforts. imho

[rubies]

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[Leo1954]

HI!

rubies

I am so sorry but how old are you? If you are still a teenager you are way beyond your years. I also would like to know if you said is your psych. talking to your mom? Just because your a teen he/she shouldn't tell anybody if you don't want them it is still Dr. patient confidentiality. I'm also going to get alot of flack about what I'm going to say, I did a no. of times going into the hospital because you can forget what is going on in the outside world, & they care more for you and count you as an individual that made me feel when I had to leave I dreaded it. When I got home it just took me alot longer to adapt. With what you are going through you are just to young, I had a similar life but please don't let it destroy you because slowly it will. You have every right to your privacy especially therapy and they are to listen to you about meds. I was a zombie for almost 16 yrs. Then I almost died so make them listen to you & only you it's your body & fellings & mind that you are trying to get support for. You Take Care Of Yourself Ok!

[rubies]

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[Sissagwaad]

Like Leo and myself have mentioned, we don't believe this 'has to be,'

#1 Everyone has a choice, to 'go along with' experimentally increasing your meds, the adverse side-effect or any possible benefit being a complete unknown. Psychiatrists are in a bind as to their frustration and their fears. 'They' would feel safer if your symptoms were covered up chemically. To them they feel safer if one is 'safely' chemically straightjacketed. They are less prone to any liability issues if they 'do nothing' but walk with you towards fascilitating you straightening out how you are feeling emotionally about all the issues going on for you at any given time.

They'd feel safer and better if you simply tried this or tried that, regardless of the known possible adverse side effects, after all, it is not them that has to deal with them, and the almost assured weight gain/self-esteem, and increased frustration when one realizes the magic pills just don't work like magic. (perhaps this is in part why the risk of suicide increases with anti-depressants?)

Legally, i believe you are entitled, and psychiatrists can get themselves in big trouble if they insist or unduly co-erce anyone to take drugs, or betray ones wishes as to confidentiallity. You said you have two psychiatrists, why not tell the one threatening you that you wish for him/her to confir with the other, or you contact the other on your own?

[rubies]

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[finding my way]

So much goes into being comfortable with yourself and the world.... interactions with people that make sense, a job you can do that you also don't mind doing, health so you can function, a feeling of safety when you express yourself... For all its difficulty, there are many wonders to the world too! It can all seem so daunting at times for sure... Rubies, I hope you get to work with the doctor you trust, and I hope you get some rest .

[rubies]

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[Sissagwaad]

Yes, it can be all very bewildering and disturbing.

Attempting, and wanting, to find or make-up some sense of meaning, to attach to all this stimuli, is quite understandable and common........(you are not alone iow)

Having, who you naturally expect to be someone you can depend upon for demonstrations of simple love and acceptance, (your mom,) and having her only 'order you' what to do, rather than lovingly and supportively encouragingly walking with you, encouraging you to calmly explore your choices of thought, which oftenly might appear to be automatic, required, or uncontrollable.....and discover your inner strengths..... (never you mind dear, she is doing her best, she doesn't know any better, just like all of us

Are you saying you 'were' hospitalized, but are now at home, or having home visitation?

[rubies]

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[Sissagwaad]

I'm at home now.

I know that my mum is doing her best. It's me, who is not open enough. I can't tell her what's going on because I'm afraid of that she will be scared and worried. But if I don't tell her, how should I expect her to understand it? So I don't expect her understanding even if I know that it would be better for both of us to talk about these things.

She only knows the things my doctors tell her and I know that she can't make a clear picture with that little information. Even if I know this, there's still something that's blocking me in speaking. I have to work on it and it's a very hard work.

Yes, it can be perplexing. Your worried she will be increasingly worried or scared.......

Eventually though, if one wants change to occur, someone must change.

It's not your biz to change your Mom, thats for her to do.

Getting clear on that, might fascilitate greater attention to the choices one makes themselves.

When we get clear on dealing with our own choices, goes with respecting the fact that others are free to make theirs,....(Learning to appreciate and to accept this might free you up to share more openly what your thoughts are, and your sense of whether those beliefs are serving your goals or not)

It's your life to live and no one elses. Love and hugs bw

[rubies]

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[SweetSue]

Hi rubies,

Im sorry you feel like a stranger in your own body

I cant find the right words tonight, but wanted to say that I can relate to a bit of what you are experiencing, and that I truely hope that things ease for you soon.

Take care

[rubies]

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[SweetSue]

Hi rubies

Im pleased your working hard on getting better - me too, its never as easy as it looks written down infront of you, though is it ?

Minds can play some very strange games at times .

With help from therapy, medication and with support its possible to get to a stage in your life where things are less scarey, less complicated and you are more able to cope with what life throws in your direction.

I know its difficult, when you view the world differently to how others seem to see it. But things can and do get better.

Try not to quit, keep fighting to get where you want to be in life - you'll get there one day.

Take care