Pedophile or mistaken urges?

[Kai'ichi]

Hey y'all,

I joined yesterday after researching my worry on google and finding out your community is no stranger to questions in this line of inquiry. I'm a little anxious asking, but I could really do with some imput as this is a worry I've had for a couple of years now. It seems silly not being able to define it for myself, but I figure it'd be even more stupid to let that lack of defination continue.

I'm going to start at the beginning but I'll keep it as concise as possible. I'm 21 years old, and female; when I was in primary school I had plenty of boyfriends, but I don't count these as actual relationships due to being so young. In my mind it was pretty much a case of innocence and "yeah, alright." During this time I only really liked one person, and this was a girl.

Since then I've dated two people; a girl who asked me out and whom I felt nothing more than friendship, and a boy who I asked out and later returned to friendship with due to our different relationship needs at the time. Other than that I've only had two other 'crushes' - one was a female best friend of mine but I never said anything, and the other was on a 14 year old boy (I was 16 at the time.)

It sounds pretty normal, aside from the fact that since around the age of 15 I've had several urges (?) concerning children aged 2 - 14, male and female. Which I'd say is where it gets a little complicated. Right now I identify as asexual, cue the difference in what I wanted from a relationship compared to my last boyfriend. But the issue is that I'd wanted to do a little more than hug ('cos everyone likes hugging children) several prepubesent children. I'm repulsed by the very idea of touching children, to which case I've resisted.

I don't actively look for CP, and I don't view children in a sexual manner. If I so much as find myself thinking about a child in a less than innocent manner I force myself to stop. But there in lays my problem - I don't think about anyone age appropriate in such a manner, and I don't feel urges with them either.

In addition I'm fine with children most of the time, I can change nappies, play with them, get them dressed ect without feeling any desire at all. Although I do try to avoid anything which puts me in contact with a child not fully dressed in an effort to minimise the risk of any sudden urges. If I hear about a case of pedophilia it makes me feel extremely sick particularly with very young children.

I've kept this pretty non-explicit, but I think I failed to keep it concise. Never the less, what do you think? I myself think it's pretty difficult to mistake the desire to touch a child, but I really hope I am mistaken.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hello Kai,

It sounds to me as though you are struggling very hard with your urges and are trying with all of your might to push them down. That is very commendable. However and without being judgemental, I have the sense that the urges you are struggling with have to do with sexual urges towards children. It also clear that those urges make you feel guilty, also commendable.

I can't help but wonder what might have happened during your childhood to make you feel asexual but to have some of the urges you mention?

Have you thought about going into psychotherapy to help you with this?

Allan

[Kai'ichi]

Thank you for the welcome reply Allan; I was a little nervous posting this, considering what a sensitive subject it can be, despite having seen how other very similar topics had received only friendly and inquisitive posts.

To answer your second question I haven't thought about psychotherapy at all. There are several reasons for this, but the short of it is that I wouldn't consider it as an option. To me, I don't see how it could help, and on another hand I personally know somebody in that "industry" that is less than... private about her clients issues.

If I have these urges it follows that I can't be asexual - my identification as asexual is probably a result of trying to ignore inappropriate urges, while experiencing no appropriate ones. Ignoring the former then the latter would logically indicate a lack of sexuality. And an acceptance of that asexuality induces a positive mind set, reinforcing that identification.

I don't think I have an answer to your (presumably) semi-rhetorical question though. ^^