How do I learn to deal with this

[cindyh]

I posted this in the new member forum and feel it is more appropriate to post here. Any advice is welcomed. I apologize for the typos in advance...I typed this pretty fast

I met my husband 5 years ago, he was a virgin and I did not know that he was really into pornography until AFTER we were married. I found a lot of magazines under the spare rooms mattress. This was 3 years ago, and when i asked him about it he got very deffensive and pretty much said that he has been really into porn since his uncles introduced it to him when he was about 13. He admitted that he felt ashamed by it and that he often got in trouble sneaking it when he was younger so that is why he kept it a secret. Well at first it all made sense i mean I was new to the marriage and did not think it was a big deal because he assure me it was not a big deal anymore that we were married. Well a little bit of time goes by and I start finding "fetish" porn hidden on his phone or in secret hidden files on the computer, so again i bring it to his attention BUT this time he lies and denies it all even when I showed it to him...he went as far as to say I was trying to set him up! Well I tell him I can't be with a man who lies to me about something so little and that since he wants and has to have this in his life then i wouod leave him alone to be with his hand and his porn. I packed my bags and stuff and gathered my son and was going to leave when he blurted out that he would stop if it meant he was going to lose his family. By this point I was just starting to have insecurities about the porn because I felt it was replacing me because he would go to such extremes to get a fix. You see our sex life had always been vanilla so to speak but the porn was far from anything in my opinion normal or anything close to our sex life. I had even asked him many atimes if there were things he wanted to try and his answer was always NO Well back to me about to leave him, we sit down and discuss both of our feelings on this and he promises to quit because he feels it is an addition. Well for 2 1/2 years he stays away from it and instead of our marriage getting better our relationship really takes a turn for the worst. We start fighting everyday about nothing and say alot of things we do not really mean. i decide to go and see a counselor and they decide to put me on xanax which now I truly regret. Long story shourt the time I was on xanax was by far the worst time of my life, 3 wasted years...last month I decided to stop taking my medication because it was ruining my life...BEST CHOICE OF MY LIFE My husband and I decide we are not going to seperate till I have been off the meds for a while and see if my personality returns to normal...which it did almost instantly. He starts getting closer to me and things seem to be better, our communication is better, our family life is better and our sex life is better. THEN BAM I stumble across a hidden porn video on his work laptop. I comfront him about and almost like before he gets deffensive saying I shouldn't be snooping, which I wasn't I simply clicked the wrong movie file. I tell him i do not think it is a good idea for him to have it on his work laptop and he tells me it is none of my business what he does outside the house and that since he has not nor would he ever cheat on me I should not give him any restrictions on what he should be allowed to do such as he should be able to go out when he pleases and should not have to tell me first, that he should be able to look at waht he wants or go to strip clubs and that when he gets home from work he should not have to help out around the house or with our 3 year old who has autism. I am stunned by him saying this and feel like maybe he is right that because I have put him through an emotional rollercoaster while being on an anti anxiety med that he should have no restrictions. A little time goes by and my son walks in with a very explicit pies of pornography and I comfront him about and simply says so what it is just porn, I tell him it is not that it is the principle of the matter that porn should never be where a child can reach it, especially the genre he is into. He tells me I am overreacting and blows me off...well I am really having some ill feelings, but notice these feelings are not towards him but towards myself. When I first discovered his porn secret years ago i was angry but now the feelings were turning to insecurities I had never felt before. I decide I should talk to him about the feelings I feel from him watching porn and he tells me that it is my problem i feel that way and it is just porn. i respond by telling him a part of me knows and feels I shouldn't feel this way but another part of me is being torn apart and no matter how hard I try I can not push these feelings aside. I start to cry from a pain I had not felt before and he seems to click that I am really hurting and comes and comforts me and tells me since it hurts me so much he will stop and when i am feeling more emotionally stable we will talk about him being able to watch it with no restrictions. i agree to this because after all it is only porn...right? not more than two days later while trying to do something on his phone for him I stumble across it again...only this time the stuff is with much younger girls not illegal girls but barely legal and it is much more hardcore. i ask him why he feels he just can not tell me the truth and says because it is nothing, no big deal, it is only porn and he just likes it. i tell him if it was no big deal why is it such a secret and he does not respond. i ask him if he is getting everything he need from our sex life and he says yes that this has nothing to do with me and him that it is only porn. So the issue i have is if it is not a big deal why does he makeit seem like it is by keeping it secret and refusing to talk about it? Also how come I can not seem to move past the negative feelings him looking at porn causes me? Like I said I feel like it should not bother me but it does. Am I wrong for having these feelings? And should I look into counseling?? I feel so lost right now and all i want is to be the best wife to him I can be.

[cindyh]

I am happy to say that slowly but surely this is becoming less of an issue . My husband and I have spoken about all aspects of this "problem" and I have come to the conclusion that it is just my own insecurities that were bothering me. I was so wrapped up in the thought that my husband was wanting to be with the type of women in the videos, clips or pictures that it made me question myself. When in real life he didnt even notice how they look like or even focus on their looks instead just the acts. He finds me beautiful, stunning amazing, strong, and so on. We did however find out why he was looking/watching porn and keeping it a secret which to me is a big step We have come to an agreement and with that said porn is not completely out of his life (which is fine with me) it is just no longer a "taboo" subject in our marriage